I’ve been drifting for so long now. Half my life. I wish I had some sense of clarity or consistency. Any kind of purpose to keep me going. Like, what the fuck am I doing here? What am I living for? I’m not trying to find a relationship. I’m not that interested in making friends. I don’t really enjoy other people’s company . To the extent that I have career goals, I don’t really care whether or not I get there. I don’t get much pleasure from any of my hobbies or interests. I have no drive.

The only reasons not to kill myself are not […]

3rd therapy session today. Got more into it. Our conversations seem to have an odd flow to them. Sometimes I don’t know how we get from A to D. He seemed more combative this time. More willing to push back against me. Usually when a therapist does that it annoys me, but with this guy I want to try and push back. Argue for my point. He did admit as much that he was more argumentative. I said I was fine with it. That I’m curious. I live in my head probably 90% of […]

As I write this, I can’t help but laugh at how the title could be uplifting if written a different way. However, this post isn’t like that. I’ve come to the realization I don’t want to compete in this giant rat race called life. I don’t want to live long enough waiting for this body to decay. I just want out. I have grown to hate the mortal experience and if cursed to re-incarnate, let me come back as something unable to comprehend itself.

Life is just one big game of Monopoly where the most selfish person is the winner because no amount of sugarcoating will […]

2am and I’m singing in the shadows
all the lights turned down and my eyes closed
searching for the right words to describe this
but nobody ever listens to the dark

5am I’m waking up and letting go
of all I loved and of all that I’ll never know
I hate my life cause I’m living at an all time low
if breathing’s meant for living, my lungs are in my throat

hide under the covers, crying to myself
so my roommate doesn’t hear my hurting mental health
shove my head into the pillows, life’s a lie no doubt
but f- it if i’ll do it again […]

I’ll say one thing for these dark periods, I didn’t know I was as morally flexible as I apparently am, but I’d do almost anything to get out of this god forsaken crap bucket of a town.

I was stuck in traffic, just starting to come unglued when I had the thought; if you commit a federal felony in another state, they jail you there, meaning if I could come up with a severe enough felony I could be free of this crappy town. Yes, I am at the point that a federal prison anywhere but here sounds better than here.

I’m open to other things, equally […]

I dont even want anyone to care anymore I’d rather no one knew of me at all. I’ll just deal with being alone. Like I’ve been. they just all need to get away from me now. it’ll all just hurt them and me in the end and while I’d deal they dont deserve that. I don’t have much holding me back anymore, and if I can just somehow get through to them I’m not worth it, then it’ll be much easier. I cant even look at myself. I’ve barely been out of bed. it’s getting so bad I dont even think I can get out […]

“Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown” wrote Shakespeare. Equally uneasy lies the head of he who has not paid a motorway toll. It had been on my mind for some time all thanks to a fucking horror story that did the rounds in May, the story went a guy received a 50 grand fine over an unpaid toll that had been accumulating for some time. My understanding was the toll has to be paid by 8pm the following evening and if not the toll doubles every day thereafter. The government acting in concert with the private company that runs the toll would be […]

Or actually, I should probably rephrase that since that doesn’t show the amount of responsibility present in that case. I’m more so the one who causes said “wounds” (in a metaphorical sense, no self harm, yet) to myself, and then other people are able to add salt to them as a result of that. Yeah, if I could reasonably list out how many of my problems would be self-inflicted, that would make more sense than it already does.

Of course, such a thing can only be most directly applicable to my case, but regardless, I’ve encountered some problems throughout the last 2 to 3 years. Some […]

What if we don’t have the strength to continue (or make the huge necessary changes to our life), but what if we also don’t have the strength to off ourselves either? Stuck in a life of not really living and not dead.

I’m just so exhausted with life…but I don’t want to die not having lived a happy life and not having accomplished anything. If I quit now while I’m miserable, I feel like this stupid shitty universe has “won,” and I can’t have that. I would only live and dig a better life out of spite- like fuck you universe, […]

I’ve mentioned this before, but lately random memories pop up in my head at the oddest of times. Playing on the Wii with my friend in elementary. That crummy star wars game where you waggle the controller and some how you’d hit the other player. Embarrassing things I did or said in middle school or highschool. People who I haven’t thought of in years. This one time a girl I thought had a very attractive figure was sitting in front of me in Spanish and we had a nice amicable relationship. I had my foot propped up on those […]

and I don’t mean death. Imagine if our depression/loneliness/self-hate/guilt/anger/fear/etc all dissipated and we became happy well-adjusted productive members of society? I know, not gonna happen, but…sigh…wishing shooting stars did grant our wishes O_o

Well…technically…shooting stars COULD grant our wish- if our wish was for Earth to get obliterated. 🙂

I found myself and it feels so good to be human again. I’m not afraid to feel anymore.

I didn’t want to confront the pain all these years.

I found truth and love in my own personal hell. I didn’t think I was worthy of it but complete strangers saved me when I was at my lowest point in life.

I remember all their kind deeds. Some might claim their actions weren’t all that helpful but to me, those actions and their words meant everything to me.

And now I’m here at my new job after having lost over 36 of them. I find that I’m not afraid to […]

While dreaming, upon coming face to face with a former childhood friend, I apologise for being like the person who hurt her, the one who messed her up. I repeat multiple times that I wish I wasn’t what I am. At least in that moment, I think I meant it. I honestly repent of who I am and what I’ve done. But there’s no going back, there’s no undoing what’s been done, so…

Except now, I’m suddenly lying face down, and the bed drops out from beneath me. And I’m falling, fast. It’s kind of exhilarating, almost like flying. And the thought fills me that maybe […]

Organs nearly taken from living man

~3min

1- NEVER just blindly trust a dr or nurse- hospitals and drs and staff lie to patients ALL the time. Either they intentionally lie, or they’re just incompetent AF. And 100% don’t care.
2- It’s not like drs are ever wrong, are they? *sarcasm*
3- The ENTIRE staff (slews of drs and nurses and attendants) just flat out IGNORED the “brain-dead” guy thrashing around and trying to push ppl’s hands away from cutting him open. JFC.
4- Sure the hospital staff was either evil or stupid af, or both, but NO ONE is blaming the […]

Oh but I WOULD.

People who say that haven’t been screwed enough by someone.

I had another therapy session with my psychiatrist. I basically told him all the stuff I say on here. Pretty much verbatim. He did say that my suicidal ideation is just a weird defense mechanism. A way to “calm” myself because thinking it means I always have an escape exit. An escape exit I never take, but still an escape exit. This is pretty accurate. If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be 8+ years worth of posts on here from me. There would be like 1 or 2 and I would be in the ground. […]

Oh city to which I was not born, and to which I never belonged

Oh city which never had place for me, always found new ways to charm and decieve me

Oh city, you are the city I both love and hate the most, and perhaps will always be

Oh city, which hates children so

Oh city, which hates the elderly so

Oh city, which hates the homeless so

Oh  city, who pities the rich, prosperous and Christian

I should have been your favorite, but I suppose I reminded you of what you despised.

Oh city, which provided for my mental health

Oh city, which once offered so much in terms of hope and […]

Does anyone else not necessarily have much concern for things like family, having a family, getting a significant other in whatever sense, and possibly maybe even friends in the traditional way? Not necessarily fervently avoiding them outright (although due to various things I guess you could say I am), and still having interactions with people whenever necessary, convenient or maybe even pleasant (depending on what counts as those things for you all), but really just not seeing the point of bonds that overstay their welcome, or usually turn out to be sour/regrettable, all of that stuff.

Of course, I wouldn’t say that healthy relationships aren’t possible […]

Two people I thought were dead, about two or three months ago, around the time I really came unglued. One online, the other my oldest friend……….. that is incredibly sad to me. That she’s my oldest friend, because ten years is small potatoes in the world of friendship. Thirteen years, and she’s one of the only people I’ve ever loved nearly unconditionally. All the friends older than her are either dead, out of state or pretending they never knew me these days.

Today at lunch I found out she was still alive, but barely, and it’s always barely. She has a heart defect, genetics are cruel. […]