First, I would like to say acknowledge that the title sounds like it would be great as a metal song or band name.

Moving on from that, does anyone else have sudden urges to self-mutilate at times? I’m not talking just cutting, btw. I mean some hardcore horror movie-type of stuff like eye gouging or tearing away flesh. Yes, I know my inner darkness is showing… I’m just curious if that feeling is just a product of my own insanity wanting to see if I’m not completely numb yet or if other depressive people have these dark periods meaning I’m not alone.

I cant take much more. I’ts like I’ve ruined all of my relationships and somehow my rock bottom became even deeper. I am constantly thinking about dying. But I know it would harm everyone in my family. But how much of a difference would it make because Im always selfish anyways. Ive tried to change and just when I thought I made some progress its like I go 10 steps backwards within a day. I don’t want to try anymore. I’m exhausted. I want and don’t want to die at the same time. I am constantly at war with myself and my emotions, all the […]

remembered a little bit more about what an old friend was actually like, yet there are still odd contradictions in their behavior.. it’s just like, i’ve been trying to predict it, and it’s been driving me crazy. other things too. i’ve been trying to figure out our lack of free will. what our individual psychologies are. been getting so much better. i needed to do this from when i was younger, not waste so much time trolling someone who wasn’t really thinking about a lot..or so i know. i only caused myself to go a bit mad. existential dread has been at the root of […]

Wow, 2 weeks ago my TM was hacking up a lung and decided to come down to MY unit- while she was SICK and COUGHING. What kind of idiot does that shit? No apology, no care about MY health. And sits in the living room where her coughed air can come into my unit (my door is right below the living room). No concern how SHE can get ME sick.

Well I checked into the hospital 2d later and recently came back from the hospital and I’m coughing. She immediately goes up and stays upstairs in the bedroom and keeps the door closed. […]

I applied on Monday, maybe it’s expecting too much to hear back by Thursday, especially on a holiday week

all the same, I think I might have to start doing two or three applications at a time. I don’t want to, it’s not what I promised myself…… I’m okay today, but if this time tomorrow nothing comes up….. yeah, I might need to expand my search

Part 2 possibly the real motivation, also unrealistic things I want way more than I should

As stated many times before, this is my solution to the two post a day recommendation, if what I next have to say is even remotely […]

Have you realized that society has never taught us anything useful? Especially us folks who grew up in the cities. If something actually were to happen, we’re all fucked. SOME rednecks gonna survive but the rest of us?

1- Do we know how to hunt? Fish? Forage for food? Know what is ok to eat and what are deadly? – NOPE
2- Do you know how to build a shelter, like even a canopy in the woods? Or hell, even a city/state park? – NOPE
3- Do you know to fix a tire and fix your car? No […]

Is the girl saying she bought one for 23K?
I so want one!

Though one needs LAND + the land has to set up somehow so you can have electricity, plumbing, etc.
Wouldn’t know how to get it all set up though even if I had a plot of land…

There’s many options in Asia for these, and I assume they help you set up the water, electricity, plumbing for you if you live there. They will ship to America it seems, but how come I’ve never heard of these capsule homes? I’ve heard of Tiny Homes here in the USA/AUS/etc. I imagine it’ll […]

I am not strong enough to deal with everything.
Not physically or emotionally strong enough.

I need HELP.
I need PHYSICAL HELP.
I need FINANCIAL HELP.
I need COMPASSION and CARE.
Someone who gives a damn about me.
Something/Some reason for me to keep plodding onward in life.

My life is so fucking difficult, I can’t take it!
And I am ex-military and I never complained about anything back then, even when things were very insanely difficult (female and at the time a measly 94lb). I was able to endure everything that came my way. But now my health is gone and I can hardly […]

TLDR- The ER Dr scheduled a CT scan for my leg edema/veins but when I was transferred to the hospital and saw the attending physician, he was a d**k and just cancelled the CT scan bc he was in a bad mood and I had the audacity to ask what the scan was for and if I needed to have the dye. Now I have to wait eons to get an appt and get seen, then once I get an appt, have to wait eons to get the scan. And by then, my symptoms would be gone, or to a point where they […]

How could you
how could you?
You’ve known me all my life
You watched me grow up
how could you
You disgust me
I can’t stand your face
All the memories we shared are tainted
You never cared
I’m Disgusted by the lies that you painted
The minute I wasn’t what you made me to be
I was nothing
And you toss me to the curb like trash
Did any of it ever mean anything to you?
All the respect all the bowing in begging and pleading
I knew what I was in […]

Two books arrived today, there was no way for me to know beforehand they were brothers, two sides of the same issue. Ah, but should I really bore you with the Dane-Zaa or the specifics of my quest? Enough to relate the process, and no more. That’s key to some of their teachings which focus on the value and power of knowledge. It’s like nothing else I’ve ever read, because it resounds in my heart as true. It echoes in my head. It allows me to transend the thoughtcave I’d been trapped in.

My entire life I’ve been seeking answers, whether it be in philosophy, history, […]

and i can

I’m exhausted with life.
I’m tired with constantly dealing with illness and health problems.
I’m tired with life NEVER working out for me.
I’m tired with ALWAYS getting the short end of the stick in life.
I’m tired of everyone being shitty to me.

I just want an existence that isn’t constantly mired in misery. Is that too much to ask??

They are all shit. They all know I am sick, disabled, can’t walk, and even worse now after the bacterial infection fucked up my leg. I showed them pictures. It was nasty. All bc mom’s house is fucking disgusting (think hoarder house). OFC NO ONE told me how bad and how disgusting her house was BEFORE I got here. If I knew, I wouldn’t have come up here.

They KNOW it’s bad, but is anyone helping me even the LEAST bit? Fuck no.

No one offering to drive me to dr’s offices, to grocery store, to drop off food. Hell, […]

Today was the day I’d set myself, that I’d get back to work. I applied for a second Child Welfare job, keeping with my commitment to do one at a time, and focus on that. The stakes are a little higher, this time instead of 40-50 minutes away the office is 17-25 minutes away, less than half. Heck, even though this isn’t in my county, it’s closer to me than my county’s offices.

It’s MLK day, so I wouldn’t hear back today anyway. The sucky part is that my books are sitting at the local post office, and I can’t get them until tomorrow.

I was never […]

Is this the reason for apathy these days?
Tragedy overload…

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/a3MJG3wuO_M
~1min

Wow, and here I thought it was just a game I used to play at meetups. It’s crazy what this game demonstrates.

~1min

Let me ask a question to all of you: Are you tired of the board game called life? Are you running on empty after being emotionally, mentally and physically-drained by this one-player game set at the highest difficulty with no save points? I wish I could quit because playing “humanity: the game” stopped being fun over ten levels ago and there is no way I see myself getting to level 100, let alone 50…

Sorry for the gaming reference, some of my favorite gaming youtubers retired this month and it’s causing my depression to weigh like a ton. Game Theory won’t be the same without MatPat…

My existence is utterly meaningless.
I don’t believe existence, itself, is meaningless. I don’t think I’m *that* much of a nihilist. Other people mean something to other people. I witness it, and it’s beautiful. I watch from afar as people are celebrated for being themselves surrounded by people they love and who love them. There’s beauty in this world. Other things mean things to other things. The natural world is beautiful. I am only a witness.
I am a void that can move, consume oxygen and resources and shit and piss.
I have no value as a person. I hate talking. I hate […]

Completely agree with the guy speaking @4:00.
Especially at the @4:25 mark when he starts talking about “why bother.”

What you do think?
There’s many Gen Z’ers on SP. I myself am a old millennial. And we got screwed bad as well. Graduated right into a recession, pay for almost all jobs cut across the board by a whopping 15-25% on average, then had another recession, and pay was cut yet again and workload doubled yet again. 1 person now does the job of 3 ppl, with no benefits, no job security, and yet we’re supposed to work like a dog and be […]