Well. I’m on academic probation..
I don’t really know how I feel right now; the suicidal thoughts don’t come in ’til much later in the evening. Does anyone happen to have stress-reduction advice and possibly some motivational insight? I’ve got 100 pounds I need to drop.

*bangs her head on a wall*

Well today suck again! I cry since lunch. Every time someone says are you alright i start to cry again. I hate my life and everything surrounding it. I knew i wasnt strong enough. Im so weak its pathietic. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I dont know if i could even live on. Crying without a reason? Im fucking stupid. I couldnt even controll one simple emotion. Im one fuck up person v- v. Ugh i cant wait to drown myself so i dont have to deal with it anymore.

A girl from my school jumped in front of a bus today. I’m actually home sick, so I wasn’t there when it happened…but, holy shit.

She’s going to survive, it sounds like, but I question how she found the courage to try, when I’ve been mustering up the courage for the last 10 years…

Yesterday I realized that I have panic attacks when I’m near trains or train tracks…probably due to a combination of factors. The girl who killed herself by train not too long ago…and my own plans to do the same…but I worry that when I find the courage to do it like I want…I’ll […]

I feel like just taking my wallet and leaving.
I could get pretty far.
I know people I can stay with.
Even if it would be his dad I’d be staying with.  He’d let me..
If I needed to go, he’d let me.
I’d have it made.

I don’t give a fuck if it wasn’t true.
Right now just watching blood trickle down my skin.
I’m happy I had a real reason.
Even if it wasn’t so real.
Oh well though.
I’m just happy I had a reason to drag that blade across my skin.
Even if it wasn’t real.
5 seconds was enough.
Enough to […]

It seems as if the years have gone by so fast and yet so very slow. I am now 61. Healthy in body, fit, but sick in the mind. Depression has its ups and downs. Sometimes forgoten for a period of time. It has a way of rearing its ugly head when all should be the best I could wish for, almost. Two daughters I have not seen for 14 years suddenly visit me. One I have not seen since 3 months old finds me and is going to visit, I go on a skidoo and have a school of dolphins swim under while one […]

Ok so I aM almost ready to go, but reading some failed attempts on here is making me nervous. I have the helium hood from GLADD (which btw arrived in 5 days) and 2 baloontime helium tanks. I’ve watched the Final Exit DVD and he makes it seem like it will be simple and painless but I’ve read otherwise on here. Advice or suggestions? Anyone know of anyone who successfully committed this way?

This is my last post on this site. No, I’m not commiting suicide. I just decided that I have so much I still need to do before I die, I have so many people that rely on me and look up to me, I can’t die now. So I hope that at least a few of you come to the decision that I have, because sometimes, and this is just me, when you are dealing with the lows of depression, coming to a site like this one ain’t gonna help you. It just kinda magnifies the pain. Instead, I shall be drowning my emotions in […]

 My Soul is a china shop

that a bull has already run thru.

What’s left on the shelf,

teetering and fragile,

will fall at the slightest move.

– – – – – – – – – – – –

My Psyche lies broken

into a million pieces on the floor,

in order to clean up

and put things in order,

you have to walk on the rubble, making more.

– – – – – – – – – – – – - 

The door is open

and I’ve finally chased the bull out.

There ain’t much left

and the resulting mess,

has left a lot of concern and doubt.

================================

Once again, thanks to all for you encouragement and kind words.

This is just a rant full of thoughts from a restless night.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Even if you found all the pieces

and discovered how they fit together.

Would the time and effort involved

be worth the painstaking trouble?

If you get the puzzle finished,

how could you keep it this way?

Without knowing the picture it paints,

why would you even try?

The pieces are better left scattered,

your time better spent somewhere else,

this picture ain’t pretty

and will only fall apart again anyway.

=============================

Rant over, thanks for the cyberspace – FTS

Last night is a good example of why I wrote the poem about sleep. I didn’t get much and that’s all I really wanted to do. Just go to sleep and be numb/immune to the demons. As a result of my restless night, I have more prose 🙂

============================================

“BLENDED”

=======

I feel like I’ve been in a blender,

dazed and confused, with mixed up emotions,

a psyche so fragile and tender.

– – – – – – – – –

Bruised, beaten and battered,

cracked like glass, I don’t dare move

or my Soul will certainly shatter.

– – – – – – – – – –

Achingly sore, not numb,

pain so intense it constantly hints,

that […]

Interesting analogy

I have read an article by stephen hawking and some posts on here linking the human brain to a computer.

does this mean that i’m that program does not finish installing or website that doesn’t run properly and no matter how many times you try to reload the program or refresh the page it always ends up getting stuck at the same point and you have to start again? kind of like a really scratched CD that won’t play passed a certain point no matter what you do. Because it sure does feel like this. I even try rebooting the computer to fix the problem but that just makes […]

I’m living in a closet. When i try to stretch, my feet bump into the wall.
When i try to stand, my head hits the wall above, and my mom and i barely fit in the closet. With no windows and not even a door.
My mother is getting sick because of all the dust the closet starts making.
I and her are getting sicker because the guy who rents us the closet has a family of 7 people. They are noisy ALL day and all that noise goes into our closet. Its so noisy that we can’t even hear ourselves think or hear our […]

If i ever kill myself,
i want to drown.
I want the water to fill my lungs.
My eyes to see the sky and water
as i sink down below.
I want people to know
that i am ready to go.
That i had to do this
all on my own.
It was no one’s fault
and it will never be.
Im just tired of it all
feeling sad over nothing?
Why am i even here
why was i ever alive
in the first place.
Im just wasting everyone time.
Like i said
all i want to do is drown.
Maybe i would finally
do […]

Will someone in this world please find me attractive.  My other friends have had at least one girlfriend.  But me? No.  I have never had the validation of being attractive.  For all I know I’m nothing but a hideous freak.  Well maybe I am, I might be a freak, I might be the ugliest monster in the entire fucking world, but I’m a nice monster, I want to have a girlfriend who I can tell she’s pretty. I want a girl who I can treat like a queen, but instead all I get is a tear soaked pillow.  I wish someone would tell me I’m […]

i sit here in the drak.. only light coming from this screen. and im thinkin of wat life has to offer me… and i see nothing.. i screw up anything and everything. and i know im gonna screw up this.. the best thing that ever happend to me.. is her and i know im just gonna mess it up so wats the point in trying anymore cause i just fucked it up i think already :/ soo i think tomorrow on my way to work my jeep might just slide off the road into that big maple tree at 90 and get smashed to bits with me […]

the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay…

The blade gets cozy, driving against my skin.

The warm, thick, crimson liquid dripping and dripping down my arm.

Wanting to bleed it all out.

Having me, slowly slipping away.

Falling into the best I can be.

There’s blood on my hands

i slit my throat and as i scream only blood comes out. sorry mom i didnt mean to make a stain. you were right theres no benefit of having me in your life. i hope your happyom ause im finally gonna do it. im going to kill myself.

Here I lie
Staring At
Clouds IN Shapes of
dogs and cats
I hear a woman
Start to yell
“Oh dear God, I think he fell”

I’m the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell.
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down.

A priest is rushing
To my side,
Begins to read me
My last rites.
Father you’re too late
My faith is weak
So won’t you save your
half-hearted speech.

I’m the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell.
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down.

A man bends down […]