I was getting a breakfast roll. There was a girl txting on her phone, eyes down. I just started talking, one can’t stand on ceremony in this world, ” A breakfast roll with bacon,sausage, egg, butter and ketchup ” I said. She looked up from her phone ” what?” She said whilst blowing out bubblegum with a resounding pop. ” you heard” I said. “A breakfast roll with bacon,sausauge, egg and butter” she said bitchily. “and ketchup, the attitude on you,I’d say you give ur boyfriend a terrible time, don’t you, tell me the truth” I said. ” Actually I don’t have a boyfriend” she […]

I got raped last year I was 16 and a virgin it was by someone I really trusted he was 21 I had known him since I was 12 and he was 17 I feel stupid saying we were friends but that’s how it felt we would talk and hang out sometimes but we hadn’t hung out in a while before it happened. I have spent the past year struggling trying to deal with it a couple weeks after it happened I ended up dating my best friend. That came with it’s own set of problems because one of my cousins around my age that […]

I officially stopped playing video games on May 19th. Not sure how I feel about it honestly. Gaming is the reason I made some friends in college that I still talk to to this day. It helped me start to learn about how business operate through keeping up with gaming news and the like, and likely pushed me more into tech, which is what I currently am working on making a career out of.

I got sick and tired of the complaints that all I did was game, didn’t take care of my responsibilities and nothing else, and out of relative anger, told my […]

I have a problem. A reocurring problem. I get depressed, and then I lead women on to me so that they give me attention, and then I become obsessed with them, and then I know that I have to detach myself from them, because I’m not looking for a relationship, I just want to ease the pain of my life somehow. And then I end up, not just causing more pain to myself, but hurting someone else too. This time it’s especially bad though. Because this girl is 14 years old. I thought she was older, maybe 17, and I should have stopped leading her […]

Almost 6 weeks. More like 5 and a half. I’m finally starting to crack. Honestly I lasted a lot longer than I thought I would. So I guess that’s something to be proud of. Nothing in my internship is going right. I want to start ordering parts so I can actually do stuff, but every time I show my final design there’s something wrong. Either I put to much focus on something I shouldn’t have or didn’t think something through. I’m told to just go and do it fast, but when I do I’m told that I […]

I keep seeing these signs saying “suicide is never an option.” But they’re wrong, pretty much the opposite is true it is always an option…. Maybe a difficult option, one that makes people sad .. but an option damn it. Normally I’d try to hold onto it and vent later but this fact has literally kept me alive.

Because if you convinced me I was losing that option, I’d charge for that exit with all speed. Because otherwise I’m trapped. I can only keep procrastinating death, keep those plates spinning as long as the door out is unlocked .

It also brings up another issue: people seem […]

Something in me is continually breaking. Like falling down a ladder and breaking every rung on the way down. Even at my worst, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like this. There’s a crackling coming from inside me somewhere like a growing fire, but not the warm, comfortable kind. Not the driving kind. Not the motivating kind. It’s the kind that’s going to burn my house down and take me with it. I don’t have the energy to find the source and extinguish it. Every plan i make backfires. Every exit I try to take slams shut. It’s time to settle in. Lay down and […]

Wrote this back in October, but I still seem to feel this way, more melancholy but still:

It’s not working.
None of this is working.
It’s my fault of course. I am the one making the shitty decisions to fuck myself over. Over and over again.
Burdening the few people who give a shit about me.
I can’t keep going like this.
If I give up, that’s it. I’ll be forced to go back home and stay with my grandma or something, because I won’t have any money for anything else. Things will be the lowest they’d ever been, and that will be that. I will […]

I’ve written note after note over the last several years. Made plan after plan. Usually with the understanding that i won’t actually be able to follow through. Realistically, I know I still won’t. Tonight won’t be any different. So why am I stressed over whether or not to actually leave a note? Really its only for one person. Would my mom want an explanation? An apology? Will she know I want her to take my dog? That she’s the only one I trust to love him as much as I do? Or would all of that just hurt her more? Maybe i should just […]

Is the reality of the situation I find myself in. Self-inflicted of course, all week I have been sparking up joints at 11.55 am so it stands to reason I would develop a tolerance. Another joint following for the Euro 2024 Soccer championship at 2,5 and 8pm. Too much of a good thing always acquaints one with the law of diminishing returns.

I was going to be flash about it, evidence…. then I thought about how I hate how that looks these days. Okay, I know, science grad of me already. Hey, I told on myself up front with that title.

The point of data is relational though, not quantitative necessarily. Of course in quantity of occurances it can be quantitative, I’m not saying it can’t work that way, where was this supposed to be going again? I’m a little bit smished. Playfully.

Anyway the main thing I wanted to record is this data point in employer relationship, Three months in, which is a pretty good place to take […]

I hope this makes him angrier at me. I hope he tries to fuck me over more. Worst god damn day every. I go to work and make almost zero progress. I end work and immediately go to lab where I make almost zero progress. I go home and I’m tired and I just want to make some food and go to bed because I’m going to use the train tomorrow because I want to go to the arcade after work and get drunk. And I lose my fucking phone. From the walk to my car to my […]

Fuck. Okay here we go. Maybe if I write this letter out again, it’ll give me some relief. If not, well… see ya(not really. I’ll wuss out again I’m sure.)

To the ones I loved,

    I’m sorry. Nobody caused this. Nobody pushed me. Nobody but me fell short in any way. I made a very long, traceable string of decisions that put me in a very difficult situation. That paired with general depression I suppose was just a little too much. I’m not blind enough to think this was unavoidable. There are about a million things I could’ve done to improve my mental state […]

I shouldn’t feel any of the things I do right now, but I do. I’m in a situation I can’t change with a man I can’t stand. I’ve made so many excuses for him. “It’s not that he doesn’t care. He’s just forgetful” Yeah maybe

“He was only seeing someone else because I was being difficult, ” yeah.. yeah I was being difficult while I miscarried..

Ugh. I could make a list a mile long, but it doesn’t matter. The thing is.. I wanted to die long before I met him. This is nothing new. The difference is that now it might be my only […]

of course I realize the egocentrism of the whole thing. So, if you don’t want to indulge that impulse in me, for which I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest, off with you. There are many other intriguing things in this world, I dare say probably more enriching to your life than my sick mind.

The first 18 years of my life I was surrounded by adults trying to figure out what I was, or what I would be, and they never did. I can’t say I have had any better luck. I wrote an earlier draft of this, it focused a bit more on the […]

it’s been a long time. over 2 years, i think. many things have happened since my last post, and i am just about to explode from frustration and just, feeling bad in general.

i started a relationship, actually. it started and it also ended, both things happened because i chose it to be like that. basically, my partner cheated on me while we were long distance. i can’t lie, it was a punch to the gut, i never thought i’d end up like this, and i truly never saw it coming. after we had a few issues regarding communication and just me ending up at the […]

I find myself constitutionally incapable of making the best of things. No matter how many times I remind myself to focus on doing what I can to improve things,  a part of my mind will inevitably fixate on the one thing that is actually impossible for me, that I cannot change. And it’s the only thing that feels meaningful. And the weight of the regret, longing, sadness, it drags me down. And I have to ignore that. Ignore that the one thing that I really want in life is beyond my grasp. Ignore the sadness, longing, regret, despair. And try and function, try and seem […]

I mean career wise. There was never any doubt that I was coming back alive, sadly.  Wouldn’t that have been cool? A bit of daring do? Risk of death? No such luck.

I did almost quit today though. Which is kind of impressive. Drugged up as I am. Laid back as I am, bought in as I am. Just…. they managed to tick me off that much, and here is how. We’ve been running fake cases on the computer all week. It’s a slog, not fun even a little. I’m sick of it. Yesterday they said we were done with it, and I was kinda happy […]

On May 31st at 4:40 a.m. I told my mom and stepdad I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It had been a long night, they were screaming, fighting, mom was throwing shit everywhere. Phone calls were made. This was all after, of course, we had packed everything into the U-Haul because we had to move due to money and just their issues in general. Stepdad would change his mind every few minutes, but I think his decision was made. He’s back in New Jersey, probably with our cats and dog, that I’ll probably never see again. The day before I had held mom as she […]