I don’t want to be this anymore. I’m pointlessly miserable. And I don’t know how to stop. I’ve made myself so fucking alone & isolated. I can’t relate to other people anymore. Not really.

I just want to stop. I’m so sick of myself. These thoughts, these feelings. I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate everyone. I hate reality. And that’s fucking pointless. To make yourself miserable over things you can’t change. But I can’t stop.

This life is for nothing. All it does is delay the inevitable. Delaying the leap into the void. On the off-chance that there’s something beyond death, and maybe it’s […]

I feel trapped like I’m a prisoner inside my body and I want to escape

I am a logic-based person, so things like “curses” aren’t a real thing- except in this world it seems like some people really are cursed. I, for one.

I mean, logically, it’s bc ppl who are down-trodden get even more stepped on and ignored and screwed in life. The more bad that’s happened to you, the more bad that gets piled on, and the less “normal” ppl want to help you out or want anything to do with you (be friends, etc).

1- why are there only 297 dislikes?
2- Assholes like Matt Walsh (popular right wing podcaster in the US) will spin this into “drs killing the poor victims.” Right wingers never want ppl to have the freedom and agency to control our own body. The sick will never be allowed to escape our misery.
3- Maybe, just maybe, if we had proper health services and social services for the poor, disabled, depressed, better wages, better opportunities, affordable food and housing, etc.- less people would want to end their miserable lives. But nah….that’s too much logic.

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Right winger mentality-

-abortion bad, make it […]

Faith based rant, completely irrelevant if there is nothing beyond this existence, which may well be the case.

However I keep coming back to that if there were such a thing as a god, or gods, or entities more powerful than humans. The thing is that most people don’t get how dramatic the impact humanity has. It’s awful, we’re still cleaning up. So when you invoke a _Higher Power_, understand what that means. Humans have it within them to travel within the solar system in my lifetime.

_Higher Power_ could correct for mistakes is what I’ve always thought. It doesn’t always, and that’s a complicated situation.

I don’t […]

I’m always so bad at starting these. What else is there to say, anyway? I just feel the same way I always do. It’s been a very long and exhausting week. Had to go to a funeral yesterday of a family friend’s – which really sucked, as expected. I’ll really miss the guy- he was an important person in my childhood. I don’t know if I was all that significant in his life- his family gave my little sister a bowl he made because he had talked about her all the time, I guess. They didn’t even remember me even though we’ve met a few […]

I wake up. I mourn the loss of my partner. I struggle through the work day. I cry. I weep. I have no idea why I’m not gone when I have nothing. When I am nothing. When I should have driven off the road ages ago. When I should have slit my wrists.

I miss self-harming. The adrenaline would dull everything else. The physical sting would quiet down the mental anguish. And yet I can’t bring myself to break a several year streak because my friends would be “disappointed.” No one would even notice, surely.

Maybe one night I’ll get drunk or high […]

I think I broke my sense of morality a long time ago. Possibly when I was still a child. And I’ve been trying somewhat to artificially re-construct it for a while. I have some of the vague reasoning mapped out, for why what everyone else seems to believe is actually reasonable and valid. But that doesn’t mean I actually feel it. At least, not most of the time. A lot of the time, I want to do the worst things imaginable. Like they seem incredibly appealing. Beautiful, even. Essential. Life-affirming. How could something be evil, when it feels so good?

For a long time I’ve assumed […]

Now that’s comedy. My school has these mental wellness days every few weeks or so. Basically just a holiday. Didn’t even realize it until today. Guess where I was? In the lab working. This robot refuses to work on every level. And it’s killing me. Even if my PCB hadn’t burned out I probably still wouldn’t have made it. I’ve spent pretty much every day working on that fucking machine. An undergrad who is doing a project sponsored by our lab asked me if I ever leave that place. That’s how bad it is. […]

Always my weight is the problem.
I’m a burden this. A ***** that.
No common sense. but some book sense.
I keep thinking I just need to leave this place, move in alone, and just survive with the bare necessities at this point.
I feel so useless, and I’m just too damaged to have a girlfriend or a family of my own, or to support my family.
What does a mess like me even do?

Hi, it’s me, I’m the problem

I don’t sincerely believe it yet, but that’s the framework I have to adhere to until I get out of this wackadoodle place, or until I’m dead, whichever comes first.

because I had to use the restroom

THE AFRONTARY, having bodily functions, AT WORK, like some kind of HUMAN

I asked for an afternoon break every day too, such things aren’t done. Also, I don’t love the very shadow of a certain person who they are all fond of.

I’m being overdramatic, I know that.

I got a little steamed about that, I was going to walk, until I remembered that I don’t have any […]

It feels like no one in this world is truly trustworthy, especially the people around me. I say this because those closest to me have proven unworthy of my trust. Selfishness has consumed them. Why do people adopt such a cheap attitude towards others? The betrayal by someone I trusted has caused me immense pain.

Selfishness always seems to take the upper hand. It’s astonishing to see how people can change over such trivial matters, revealing their true colors. I mean, why? Isn’t it wrong to betray someone or break their trust?

I still haven’t found a disorder for it, but when I get to a particularly dark spot awful song lyrics show up in my head, like the title to this post. I’m aware that I’m old and a fair amount of people aren’t aware of this song, or Nickelback, lucky people up until now, I’ll fix that.

Nickelback is one of the worst bands ever to exist, and this is one of the worst songs ever written, in terms of encouraging the worst behavior in persuit of ends that you absolutely won’t be getting.

The why this song is in my head is the more interesting bit […]

If you are easily offended by matters of a sexual nature, go ahead and skip this post (not like anyone reads these anyways.) Also on the off chance that you are reading this, could you please skip this post sinner? I don’t want you to think less of me, and you definitely will if you read this.

I am just blowing money on p*rn. Like down the tubes sort of stuff. I would occasionally splurge here and there and alot if things were real bad, but it got kinda bad when I got my internship. Which is fine because I got […]

It took me three hours to get to words, it was that bad of a day. I almost quit. I may yet. Wow am I in a bad mood deep down. The discontent, it ferments deep.

Start, the fire alarm went off the third time. The third time, and I’m still trying to get the same client checked in that I was trying to get checked in the FIRST TIME. The SECOND time another client  commented that this was an inhumane working environment, I agreed.

Clients are leaving, food isn’t worth this to them, imagine how bad that has to be. They’ll be back tomorrow, so I […]

I’m stagnating. No friends, no family, no girlfriend, no chance of getting one. Life is pointless.

~1min short

Just goes to show what a load of crock psychiatry is

I feel like I’m behind tinted glass – I can see everything out there. Life, the people around me day to day… but I can’t break the glass, and no one out there really sees me. It’s okay, I guess. Maybe it’s supposed to be this way. Maybe I’m just not meant to be out there because I’ve already messed up enough. But it’s lonely here. Lonely to a point I feel sick.

I don’t blame anyone but myself. I just… didn’t get to where I needed to be. And I keep fucking up, over and over again… just constantly in the way, a burden to […]