I read all the old posts I’ve written over time, last night. Didn’t realize I sounded so whiny. So childlike. It makes me cringe even now. Don’t know how anyone read them and took them seriously, including myself.

I’m sitting here. Again. Sitting and rotting as usual. My leg’s still throbbing from what I did a bit ago. I try to focus on that instead of what I’m feeling now, which is just… not well. I can’t even put it into words. Came here thinking I had a lot to say but I just don’t. It all just… stings I guess. My worth or lack thereof […]

Yes I know, it’s unlikely to ever happen, and wishing isn’t going to make it happen, but I wish I could have a miracle.

I think about this one line from Fioana and Cake alot about how life is a cycle of learning and unlearning and learning again. I don’t know why that just really stuck to me. I think I have regressed. I was in a place where I was somewhat efficient and felt like I was somewhat comfortable with everything. Now it feels hard to be in the same room as some of my labmates. Like I physically can’t stand it. I need to be alone in the lab. So instead I run away from my problems. Like my […]

I have no idea what to do or who to ask, so here I am. I have a friend, one of my best friends, although I haven’t known her for long, we have just recently gotten really close over these past few months. I have known her for about 2 years as more mutual friends. I have noticed recently that she has been really insecure about her looks, her body and anything about her, and has also recently been skipping meals. I know the signs, as I had previously a few years ago really struggled with depression and an ED. I am mostly recovered now, […]

It’s an issue, when you’ve been in therapy over two decades and in behavioral health as a career for more than a decade, you know all the buzz words for self help and trying to change for the better. There are benefits to that, of course, I’m trying to learn to do this, when I identify a flaw, also admit any strength in a thing, try to see the totality and not let negativity or positivity dominate. So I’m also an A+ rationalizer, all the tools to rationalize are right there, and all I have to do is be a little less critical, sounds easy.

Anyway, […]

I have this constant longing for a relationship. And I don’t think I’m capable of being in one. Not just right now, but ever. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to become someone that anyone would want to be with. And that’s the part that really sucks – the hopelessness. When I was young I could tell myself a positive narrative about the things I lacked in life. That I’d grow as a person, overcome my difficulties and get there in the end. And that puts your mind at ease. It allows you to be ok with it. Whereas now I still have […]

Last night, I couldn’t sleep for hours. I had the same thought, same urge, over and over and over for hours before that. I’ve had it before, though never did it. Well, last night, I did. It still hurts. I did it earlier tonight too but it’s not near as bad – kinda quit in the middle of it, got distracted by something. Can’t remember what. The pain is nice compared to the other stuff. Someone came over – my mom’s mom, the one who causes nothing but shit for us all. Pulled my hair and got mad that I reacted negatively. All I thought […]

Shits been going good, but it’ll come down soon. At some point, someone’s gonna keel over and I just fucking know it’ll be the end of me. I finally have most of what I wanted all my life and it’s not gonna last. I can speak at ease with my father, and I have friends to talk to. I have savings, a job, and my own skills. But sooner rather than later, someone is gonna die, and they won’t get to be there if I have kids, find a woman, enter a career, leave a legacy. All because whatever bastard made this world put everyone […]

It’s really late again. I have an exam tomorrow, and I’ve been studying in bits and pieces, but mostly wasting time smoking with a variety of people. The result is I haven’t studied much. I’m pretty sure I’m going to do average at best tomorrow. It doesn’t even matter that much to me anymore. I’ve stopped being able to care for grades. I’m considering going home. I found a train with tickets available. I realized it’s the city I miss really. Not home. I’m not sure I should go, and sacrifice attendance just to swelter in the heat. It’s the rain I miss. Summer is […]

I miss home. This is the third monsoon I will not see. I feel like utter trash. I miss it. But I can’t go back. I have till June. Then I can choose to for two whole months. But I won’t. I sleep in the guest room when I go home these days. The family computer is in there and my parents work in it in the day. The pull out bed has wheels and a crack that you fall into in the middle. Any personal effects I want I have to shuttle back and forth. An overnight train and so much public transport in […]

I think after a while you start to recognize patterns in yourself. Ticks that you see in your own behaviour. So when bad things happen you are more aware of how you handle them. Thinking back to a year ago where I was doing everything in my power to avoid the lab and my teammates and how I was so sure that I would flunk out after my first semester. That same sort of detachment and flight instinct I seem to have at the end of every semester. But I feel like I’m rounding a curve where things are going […]

I just… want to feel something- anything- other than this. I’ve been like this for months now. And it feels like it’s only getting worse- that I’m slowly sinking. I can’t bring myself to do anything, it’s nearly impossible to find joy in anything. I’ve isolated myself from everyone. I don’t have any energy to talk, no energy to come up with good lies or excuses when people on the outside ask about things. So I just kinda sit here. And I sit. And I rot. It’s so hard to bring myself to care, but when I do I just feel embarrassed, and ashamed. Knowing […]

I’ve been getting closer to a girl from one of my classes. Today, we walked to the buses together since our final periods are across from each other.

She tried to make conversation with me, and I tried to engage with her, but I had to repeat myself so. many. times. because I kept stuttering and stumbling over my words. I gave up eventually and we walked in silence the rest of the way.

I feel so stupid and embarrassed.

I’m probably being overdramatic. But I can’t help but feel this way when I am struggling to do things that normal people can do without a second thought.

I […]

Yeah, that’s how I feel in society I am an alien, I am alien to mankind and feel like I don’t belong, been given the feeling I don’t. I feel alienated to what people have become – or always have been? I don’t know. How come ‘humanity’ is this disgusting mess of people torturing, murdering others indifferently? We have genocides, wars, hunger, murder, the inhumane exploitation and slaughter of animals in numbers almost 10x as high as our entire (out of control) 8 billion population (excluding trillions of fish). The world is burning, literally and in every regard, and somehow no one cares? Or at […]

Nobody helps. People just do their own thing. I wish I could take some happiness pills that don’t have bad side effects

GM

~3min

Tesla
https://www.vox.com/technology/2023/4/6/23673339/tesla-camera-privacy
—-

Welcome to 1984. The dystopian world is here. Most newer cars come with cameras, so it’s not just GM, Onstar, or Tesla. How do you know your car is not spying on you?? If it’s a new or new-ish car, it probably is.

Also, everyone who uses Alexa or Siri- they’re definitely listening to everything, 24-7.

I can’t really make sense of my mind. It has bizarre quirks to it that make life so much harder to live. Obsessions that I can’t get over. Irational fears that hold me back. Nonsensical dreams and idiotic personality ticks that end up screwing me. I think the worst part of it is that I am at least somewhat aware of all this. Got little less than a month left. And my stupid fucking robot is still not done. I’m procrastinating even now. Man am I screwed. I can tell everyone thinks so to. […]

~10s

lol in what world do Suicide Hotline workers get paid $60/hr?

Hiding

Of

Painful

Events,

Living

Endless

Suffering

Silently,

Never

Ending

Stabbing

Silence.

Are men seriously getting this kind of dating advice? No wonder everyone’s single nowadays! O_o