A shotgun to the head does not make people feel your pain.
It does not matter how long it takes you to make the decision. Because once you do it, it just happens. There is no God coming to save you. No spiritual battle waging in your favor. You pull the trigger, and BANG, you’re face is reduced to a flappy, bloody, hollow melon, with your bug eyes popping out of your cheekbones and your limp body sagging down lifeless in your seat.
God allows this because God is the devil. He doesn’t love you or care about you; you aren’t special. And […]
I feel like I give too much of myself to this world. I hope too much. Love too much. Am too much.
I can’t be what I want to be. I can’t live the life I want to live. So I want nothing. I want not to want anymore. I want there to be someone worthwhile in the space I’m occupying, putting it to good use. But that’s not something I can control.
I don’t want to devastate my family. I don’t want that pain for them. So I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to not exist anymore. Or to never have been. Or really, to have been someone different. But that’s not something I can control.
In order to not die, I have to live. […]
The feeling always lingers in the back of my mind… I cant remember a time where it’s been gone completely, even for just a moment. A dark and cold feeling. It’s hard to talk about because I’m not good at explaining it, and I dont want to bother anybody… but I cant just… let it sit, I guess, for very long. Fear, pain, a sort of bitterness, a horrible burdensome feeling. I have fantasies that killing myself will actually help the world somehow. Like a brutal sort of death I put myself through. I think about that pretty often actually. A sort of sacrifice I […]
is the biggest joke. That’s like saying drinking salty sea water will keep you hydrated.
We don’t even have democracy in our own country- haven’t had it since the 1980s. And yet we are “spreading democracy” around the globe, or at least that’s the lie told to Americans and most Americans believe it!! When in reality, what the US is doing is destabilizing countries around the world to steal their natural resources.
Anyhow, going back to American soil- America hasn’t had real democracy since 1980- our government has been completely bought and rigged by the oligarchy for a LONG time now.
This is […]
-Daily irritation in general due to my own situation.
-General reminders that loved ones and others have been through a lot of crap and that I’ve lived the good life in comparison, a lot of do better, you’re smarter than this talk.
-Me KNOWING and UNDERSTANDING ALL OF THIS, but at this point knowing that explaining myself or trying to tell anyone what goes on in my head is pointless and gets me nowhere except having people I care for angry at me for whatever the case is.
-Me wanting to get myself out of the situation, to stop burdening the few people who do […]
I feel like everybody is moving forward but me. people around me are doing things with their lives, maybe not the best things but at least they aren’t stuck like me. it’s like life is a road and everyone is going ahead and then there is me who is just standing still. even if I want to move forward I can’t because it feels like my feet are glued to the ground, stopping me.
I don’t have that many people in my life and that’s ok for an introvert because the people i had were real and true and honest. but now all of them have […]
There hearts will race with the drawing of the tide.
Nothing will come to save them.
Humans are cannibals, consuming one another.
A broken melody, falling from the mouth of Church.
How they would roil if they knew the pain done unto me.
A knife cuts through warm flesh, and a dog grows fat. Some dogs get murdered, and some dogs get fat.
Jesus climbed the mountain, and a prophet looked to the hills, but where are the mountains, and where are the hills?
In your mind! Close your eyes and pray, they say.
Pray into the silence. Look […]
(context: i am incredibly mentally ill and my brain swarms with thoughts that arent mine and are actively cognicidal to perceive and its pretty dope tbh)
So, it’s kind of just horrific! idk! There’s only so many ways I can describe it. My brain: isn’t mine! The thoughts: only get worse! What, will comparing my situation to Harlan Ellison make it any better? Will it really? Probably not! And just… Idk.
I don’t have a single reason to be alive; I actively do not want to! It is a putrefying thought to be alive, it’s anathemic to every single piece of myself that it can be, it’s […]
WHY in fucking September is it still 94 fucking degrees? For the past 4 fucking months, it’s been blisteringly hot and humid and disgusting. Sweat dripping literally 10s after you step outside.
THEN in a week, it goes from hot, sweltering summer 90s weather, to suddenly being cold, so cold that you now need a fucking jacket during the morning and nights. A week ago you sweated through your tank top and shorts!
And HOW is it possible for it to be both HUMID and COLD? WTF?
The temperature has dropped significantly during the morning and night, and it’s quite chilly now, but […]
Why is it that some ppl have to suffer so much while others have it made, without having done anything to deserve it? Some ppl win the birth lotto- 99% of your life is determined by who you’re born to and where. Who your parents are and how much wealth they have (or not) 100% determines your fate. If you were born in Africa, you’d be screwed (yes i know, not all parts of Africa are bad off). If your parents were selfish assholes and never treated you well since a baby, well, you’re in for a lifetime of mental issues/depression/trauma, […]
There is no meaning of life. We just exist, and die. And life goes on, and on, and on. For million, billion of years, etc etc etc.
We are just a speck of dust in the vast universe, in the grand scheme of things.
Of course, 90% (or 99%?) of people (human beings) will always try to find or give ‘meaning/purpose’ in their own insignificant lives, because the reason is simple: it’s survival instinct. Human beings (people) will (usually) try to keep living, keep surviving, no matter what. It’s evolutionary. It’s in human nature.
Even if it means people (humans) will create anything as their toxic positivity […]
I wish I didn’t stay up so late. No one to talk to. Everything starts suffocating me. I’ve been so low for months, years, unable to seem to take care of myself hygienically for so long. Especially my teeth. My teeth are starting to crumble and crack. I know I must have multiple cavities. My 2 front teeth are coming out in bits in pieces. It’s pretty embarrassing. I just feel like a failure. An embarrassment. I guess I’m going to the dentist soon. More money wasted on me for appointments. As if eyes weren’t enough. Yay. I never really enjoyed the dentist. Scared, even. […]
I do not know how not to be alive. At the same time; I am not, in many ways! Emotions and thoughts and feelings and opinions and identity are all eroded like chalk cliffs in front of a roiling coastline and they are hewn to the rotting bone and they are diseased and dying and scraped away entirely. So, I’m kind of a non-person!
But I keep doing a few (very few, as I’ve mentioned I barely move, I eat rarely, I do not engage in any activities, I have not talked to my last two friends in so long) person things. I do a farce […]
So the short version is this:
I was in a guild in this money-sucking game.
1- The Guild Master and the top SIX members left suddenly, without warning and without notice. Basically dooming the guild and everyone that was left.
2- So I joined another guild. That guild kicked me out after like less than hour. I ofc hadn’t done anything. No decency to even message me as to why I was kicked out.
3- So I joined another guild but that guild was a baby guild and there’s no one on my level to do Adventures with.
4- So I left and […]
The stereotype of the old crochety senior citizen is true- I’m now “middle age” but the older I get, the more people and things annoy me. And the less I patience I have with humans and things in this world.
1. Crying babies / screaming toddlers / unruly little shits
Holy shit- I can’t take the screaming little brats. I just wish I could go and smack them. *whack!* lol I swear, kids were MUCH better behaved when I was younger. Previous generations smacked their kids if they misbehaved or were […]
There was this sci-fi episode- possibly an Outer Limits episode- where the Father in this small town had the ability to make anyone and anything disappear. They’d get transported into this other “dimension.” The Daughter turns out to be even more powerful than the Father as she is able to bring people/anything she sent away back.
Anyhow, I fucking WISH I could make ppl disappear. Or at least send them to another dimension so that they’d fucking behave when you let them back.
OFC, this only works if you are the only person that has this ability. If more than a few ppl […]
If you are feeling particularly low about the world or on the edge of going through on it due to the state of the world then perhaps skip this post…
Imagine “winning” the lottery only to find out you have to win it again with similarly steep odds to actually recieve the cash. I guess one could find solace in the fact that we weren’t asked to enter the first game anyway. In fact we find that those who didn’t win were the lucky ones. I speak of course about being born and then having to clutch at straws to be allowed to actually live.
Lets be […]
People ask, where do I wanna be
What do I wanna do
Where do I wanna end up
And I don’t fucking know
I feel like a Toy Story toy, I’m nothing without someone else playing with me, putting me in construed situations, pulling my strings, I’m happiest and most myself when I can go limp and silent in their hands and at the end of the day be put back in my place
My selfhood and my drive, my determination and my will, my so-called creativity, all are brief battles
Tumultuous unguided and unpredictable bursts that only […]
20 hours ago, I decided to start lessening my night meds some more, because I had an appointment across town at 9 AM, so I needed to get up by 8 AM. Hell of a night, not in a good way, I tossed and turned and maybe got 3 hours of sleep. But when I woke up I wasn’t that tired…. and it was just, I’ve been sleeping an average of 9 hours a night. I don’t buy into the modern humanity trend of undersleep…. because sleep is like a dry run for death, it’s literally the best thing.
but I figured I could get away […]