If I had the same view of ppl/the world like I used to (when I was in my 20s, innocent and hopeful)- I wouldn’t be so damn depressed and hopeless. When you’ve seen what life is really like, it’s hard to have a “positive” outlook on life and pretend everything is good or good things will happen.

I kinda wish I was a happy idiot. Instead, I know too much and seen too much of what this life is really like, and how shitty ppl really are. Yeah yeah, there are still some “good” people left, but there’s not many to begin with.

IDK- […]

How Do We Stop Being Depressed and Actually DO Something to improve our lives?

I need to do what @heartlessviking did- he busted his ass, application after application, interview after interview, to finally land a good job that pays well.

I mean in my case, I am too disabled to work (can barely even bend all my toes) but I need to gtfoh and go overseas. But I literally fucking struggle to even get the basic things done, like getting food, changing my bedsheets, cleaning things, etc. I wake up already tired and sick (health issues) and if I manage to get ONE fucking thing […]

FML -_-

I just had a bad dream where my dad was arguing with me and my 2 other brothers in the car. I can’t remember what he was yelling at us about but he started driving aggressively. To be honest, nothing was out of the ordinary in the dream as all of this was happening, that’s how my dad is in real life too. Anyway, we eventually reached one of those loops that are raised high, in the dream it was extra high, like a good 300 feet. As he’s yelling at us, he starts driving off the road and we’re suddenly in free-fall. The car […]

It’s not fair that I’ve had to have such a shitty hard life. Not just hard but I had to work-in-a-sweatshop-since-I-was-7yo kind of HARD. And no, I did not grow up in a shithole 3rd world country. The shithole country I grew up in was here, in good ol’ USA. Land of capitalistic vultures who run our country and screw it’s citizens. Yes, that one.

People (and Presidents) call other countries shithole countries, but but even those “shithole” 3rd world countries like Mexico give it’s citizens universal healthcare. But not us. Not good ol’ USA. Nope.

Anyhow, I was […]

So presenting yesterday wasn’t too horrible. For one thing my advisor was busy so he didn’t show. The other labmates who were there didn’t seem as judgemental as I normally percieve them to be. They actually gave good feedback. Something even more unexcpected happened and my team members helped out when I had a hard time explaining my thought process. CLARA is my main project with it being the focus of my thesis, so the others only really offer input from time to time. Lizzard is where we all try to work on toghether, but that’s been kind of […]

I feel scared to do so. These guys helped me out a bunch. They accepted me with all my flaws. There was nowhere to hide at rock bottom.They saw the real me and to my surprise, they accepted me. It was the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere, like I had friends.

I don’t know, maybe they’re not really friends but more like allies. Are those 2 the same?

Before I left, I got all their contact info and they told me to email them, text them, or call them once I got out.

I still have […]

Right, so for the last however many months Tuesday at 1 PM has been my therapy time. I let my therapist know I didn’t know if I could keep the time, I had to talk to my supervisor. I don’t exactly have a lot of assertiveness in this situation right now.

But things worked out, I got the time off, and I showed up, only to find I had no appointment. The issue ended up being I didn’t have the time or energy to investigate why. My current therapist is moving on, getting a new job out of state, good for her… . but I’m supposed […]

I tend to question my mental state.

Today for instance, was just having to look up some apartments. Need to find a new place to live soon. Wasn’t finding any appointments for today, which makes sense considering a lot of people would have setup in advance. But I’ve just been going at it, finding a couple places and calling to see. Nothing yet, but I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Suddenly, I’m looking up if I’m a high fuctioning autistic person and the like. I’m very frustrated with myself.

I feel like I’ve gone off the rails for years now. I’ve never gotten any kinds of definitive […]

According to the NIH:

>At what age does brain shrinkage start?
“It has been widely found that the volume of the brain and/or its weight declines with age at a rate of around 5% per decade after age 40.”

I’m over 40.. -_-

So I updated my team mates and advisor that I didn’t hit my deadline. He didn’t say much but said that my design probably wouldn’t work. I’m not really sure what to expect anymore. It seems like every turn I make I end up just face planting. I never think things through. I wish I did but I never do. I really don’t know how this is supposed to end. Wish I did, but I don’t. Presenting on Tuesday. That’s going to be extra fucking painful. Don’t know why I bother. Recently I told […]

Even during other depressive low points in my life, I was still able to have SOME joy briefly, even if it was for 5min- in stupid things like eating junk food, cakes, ice cream, etc. Now, not even food gives 5min of joy. And playing games at best distracts and keeps the mind numb.

No joy. Not even fleeting moments of happiness. Like zilch. Nothing.

Everything sucks when you have nothing to look forward to.

Life sucks. -_-

is it that some ppl have to have shit lives while others live happy cushy lives? -_-

Do you think you’ll ever achieve happiness, or do you think you’ll be depressed for the rest of your life?

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being suicidal and 10 being blissfully happy, where are you on that scale?

Was what I treated myself to at noon. A roman candle of euphoria exploded in the brain pushing the pleasure to the whole body. I had a few hours to sober up from this joint, six to  be precise, before I would be driving to pick up some more, not something I would advocate, but when sensational shit is available one has to stock up while the going is good. Of course the only problem with a nice joint is it can provoke a desire for a second nice joint. I decided that five hours to sober up would be sufficient, once again not something […]

I read all the old posts I’ve written over time, last night. Didn’t realize I sounded so whiny. So childlike. It makes me cringe even now. Don’t know how anyone read them and took them seriously, including myself.

I’m sitting here. Again. Sitting and rotting as usual. My leg’s still throbbing from what I did a bit ago. I try to focus on that instead of what I’m feeling now, which is just… not well. I can’t even put it into words. Came here thinking I had a lot to say but I just don’t. It all just… stings I guess. My worth or lack thereof […]

Yes I know, it’s unlikely to ever happen, and wishing isn’t going to make it happen, but I wish I could have a miracle.

I think about this one line from Fioana and Cake alot about how life is a cycle of learning and unlearning and learning again. I don’t know why that just really stuck to me. I think I have regressed. I was in a place where I was somewhat efficient and felt like I was somewhat comfortable with everything. Now it feels hard to be in the same room as some of my labmates. Like I physically can’t stand it. I need to be alone in the lab. So instead I run away from my problems. Like my […]

I have no idea what to do or who to ask, so here I am. I have a friend, one of my best friends, although I haven’t known her for long, we have just recently gotten really close over these past few months. I have known her for about 2 years as more mutual friends. I have noticed recently that she has been really insecure about her looks, her body and anything about her, and has also recently been skipping meals. I know the signs, as I had previously a few years ago really struggled with depression and an ED. I am mostly recovered now, […]