I shouldn’t feel any of the things I do right now, but I do. I’m in a situation I can’t change with a man I can’t stand. I’ve made so many excuses for him. “It’s not that he doesn’t care. He’s just forgetful” Yeah maybe

“He was only seeing someone else because I was being difficult, ” yeah.. yeah I was being difficult while I miscarried..

Ugh. I could make a list a mile long, but it doesn’t matter. The thing is.. I wanted to die long before I met him. This is nothing new. The difference is that now it might be my only […]

of course I realize the egocentrism of the whole thing. So, if you don’t want to indulge that impulse in me, for which I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest, off with you. There are many other intriguing things in this world, I dare say probably more enriching to your life than my sick mind.

The first 18 years of my life I was surrounded by adults trying to figure out what I was, or what I would be, and they never did. I can’t say I have had any better luck. I wrote an earlier draft of this, it focused a bit more on the […]

it’s been a long time. over 2 years, i think. many things have happened since my last post, and i am just about to explode from frustration and just, feeling bad in general.

i started a relationship, actually. it started and it also ended, both things happened because i chose it to be like that. basically, my partner cheated on me while we were long distance. i can’t lie, it was a punch to the gut, i never thought i’d end up like this, and i truly never saw it coming. after we had a few issues regarding communication and just me ending up at the […]

I find myself constitutionally incapable of making the best of things. No matter how many times I remind myself to focus on doing what I can to improve things,  a part of my mind will inevitably fixate on the one thing that is actually impossible for me, that I cannot change. And it’s the only thing that feels meaningful. And the weight of the regret, longing, sadness, it drags me down. And I have to ignore that. Ignore that the one thing that I really want in life is beyond my grasp. Ignore the sadness, longing, regret, despair. And try and function, try and seem […]

I mean career wise. There was never any doubt that I was coming back alive, sadly.  Wouldn’t that have been cool? A bit of daring do? Risk of death? No such luck.

I did almost quit today though. Which is kind of impressive. Drugged up as I am. Laid back as I am, bought in as I am. Just…. they managed to tick me off that much, and here is how. We’ve been running fake cases on the computer all week. It’s a slog, not fun even a little. I’m sick of it. Yesterday they said we were done with it, and I was kinda happy […]

On May 31st at 4:40 a.m. I told my mom and stepdad I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It had been a long night, they were screaming, fighting, mom was throwing shit everywhere. Phone calls were made. This was all after, of course, we had packed everything into the U-Haul because we had to move due to money and just their issues in general. Stepdad would change his mind every few minutes, but I think his decision was made. He’s back in New Jersey, probably with our cats and dog, that I’ll probably never see again. The day before I had held mom as she […]

Things will only get better if I actively make it happen. And the truth is I don’t have it in me. I don’t have the hope, the ambition, the drive, the energy, the will. All that’s left in me is craving, regret, depression, sadness, resentment. I’m tired all the time. In low-level pain all the time. I don’t talk to anybody, rarely even leave the house or see anybody. I just do my work, eat, rot in front of the computer and occasionally sleep. And have weird mixed up dreams of people I used to know, back when I was still a person.

So nothing will […]

~30s

I’m so happy right now. It may not seem like much but to be able to understand what I’m studying means a lot to me. I used to think I was too dumb to learn things like Chemistry but I’m slowly making progress everyday. When I first started, I couldn’t understand how to read the periodic table of elements, now I know all kinds of things. Avogadro’s number 6.022 x 10^23, electron configuration, electromagnetic waves, photosynthesis, how to convert moles of an element into grams of that element and vice versa, etc. On a surface level this doesn’t seem like much but for me it […]

Fourth week starts tomorrow. A quarter of the way through. I’m trying to figure out which strike I’m on. I feel like I haven’t hit 15 yet, but I think I’m pretty close. Too many screw ups, too many instances of embarrassing myself, too little thought into what I do. I feel like my mentor at this point has just given up on me. Everything I try to do, I mess up or don’t think through. So like I said I can’t go into specifics because I’m pretty sure corp Z is watching, but my job was to […]

by which I mean I could definitely need stronger drugs or be rendered unemployable again really easily. It’s weird, getting it shoved in my face this directly. FYI, there’s only ONE approved drug stronger than what I’m on, and I’ve been on it. This whole journey to health started a year ago when I started getting off of it. I wasn’t employable on it. It was lithium. I don’t mean to be mysterious, this is how I talk.

I’m back, BTW, so if you’ve been replying to me and I haven’t been replying, it’s because I’ve been holed up in a hotel room in a strange […]

I think a large portion of depressed ppl are depressed bc we spend all our childhoods in school, till 18 or 22 for most ppl, then we work a dull job for shit pay for ~45 years, then “retire,” only to have nothing to show but poor health and little money. Sure that’s not everyone, but that’s a large, significant portion of the population here in America.

Are there opportunities? Sure, for a few. For the middle class and rich. But being born poor or to poor parents, what are your options? Meritocracy is like a leprechaun at this point. […]

Starting to feel like I’m having imposter syndrome in life. I’ve made some improvements bit it’s nowhere near enough. I’m finding myself getting more and more irritated in general. Sick and staying home today, so I’ll be here, just reflecting I guess.

What do I do when I’m not working? Read up on computers and networking related things, try to improve my ability with Linux. I stopped the video games so the most I’d do with that is watch the occasional gameplay videos to try to calm down.

Idk I’m tired of my life it seems. I can’t keep going like this.

I’m […]

No matter what I do, Of course I’m back here again. I cannot see my therapist anymore because he’s become more of this conspiracy theorist who seems to try to convince me more and more every time that I can just think or just make whatever I want just happen just because I want it to, but then the more that he invalidates as to why I am so negative and pessimistic all the time, when everything’s just going like hell lately, he just keeps trying to convince me that he’s not invalidating me and that all he’s trying to do, is try to prove […]

I just finished my school year. Great! I should be happy, but instead I’m in complete panic mode because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with all of my sudden free time.

Look for a job? Write a book? Do gardening? I suppose they’re all valid, the only problem is that I have a terrible and constant upper back and neck pain. It would probably be fixed by something, but I don’t know what that something is.

Last week I attempted to occupy myself, and I just overworked myself and apart from that, I’ve been thinking about my past a lot recently because people […]

I just found out that Amazon sells apricot kernels. When did stores start to carry edible poison in higher doses? Then again, stores can sell alcohol which can become toxic in high amounts. I am so tempted to buy some and eat the entire bag. Painful way to die be damned… I notice now I hate living so much!

Yup, I’d choose Bear, hands down.

~60s

Week 2 is over. Week 3 starts tomorrow. The second week was a tad bit rough. Kept making dumb mistakes and tripping over myself in front of my mentors and other engineers. Still trying to chip away at it. Still not entirely sure how this is going to end. Any of it. Been going to lab on Saturdays to try to chip away at the other stuff. Making a tiny bit of progress, but I want to be in there more to work on it. I can’t with my current commute. Get up at 5 […]

I feel like I’m flipping inside, like a rock in a tumbler; dutifully polishing myself to appear so smooth and beautiful, to invite the curious touch of the world around me.

But the barrel is dark and the grit is slowly whittling away at all that I am, making me smaller until I am not the stone that caught your eye any longer.

I fall into the mass of other beautifully polished people worth no sharp edges or variations in texture.

-————-

the image is another random poem I wrote. I don’t know if I like it much yet.