I am tired of suffering. I just wish I knew how my life would turn out- I need a crystal ball to see into the future. I want to see if I should just kill myself now and be done with it, or struggle some more and maaaaybe life would be better/worth it at some point.

It seems rather pointless and a waste of time and effort if we try, and life still doesn’t improve. Then we might as well end our suffering now.

with our own depression?

i had wanted to become a therapist a while back, get my PsyD, and thought I’d learn psychology to help myself, and give myself purpose by helping others.

–if you’ve left the profession burnt out, i take it counseling did not help most ppl, nor did it help you lessen your own depression?

i had attended a psych panel and after listening to these apathetic jerks, i decided not to (plus grad school was $$$$ and it wasn’t free). the only one that had a heart and cared was the newest one to the profession. the longer someone was a […]

What if we’re not good enough?
What if we’re not strong enough?
Not confident enough?
WEAK.

What if we just can’t make good decisions anymore?

What if the reason we’re depressed is bc we’re too chickenshit- not confident enough and not brave enough, to go do what we should do? Whether it’s expatting overseas by myself, despite being sick and disabled and alone. Or maybe in your case not confident enough to ask a girl out on a date. Or insert any thing we haven’t done due to lack of confidence.

There’s many reasons for my depression but the biggest one is on […]

It seems those who are depressed are masters of self destruction. That apparently goes for me and I gather for some of you here as well.

First by being passive: depressed = no energy and no oomph to go after things / make changes / do stuff that improves one’s life. Now, it’s not that we want to be depressed, that’s just the nature of depression. When you don’t have the will to live nor the anticipation of a rainbow and a better life, one doesn’t have the will to push through to make the changes one needs to improve one’s life.

Then you […]

There is no such thing as hitting “rock bottom.” That’s a lie told to us so we can be “okay” with where we are, it’s ok bc after all, if we’ve hit “rock bottom,” things only get better from here, right? Well no, bc there is no rock bottom. However bad you think you are, things can and often get worse.

You think you’ve hit the worst moment in your life? Nah. Wait a few months or a few years. You’ll hit a low and lower over and over again. Until you hit the final “low.” […]

I feel an obligation to end the story of a particular bad episode. Even if I’m only writing it for me, I want to recap from a calm stable place. Because I’m superstitious like that, I don’t like the only thing I put out being when I’m in extreme pain. I’m not me then, not the me I want to be.

It may be difficult to understand, but coming back up can be the scarier part of an episode. Yes, feeling better is scarier than feeling like death warmed over. This is because this is the only specific situation I’ve lost complete control. Usually, the worse […]

I’ve been levitating. I’ve been in a strange wind current that my mind can’t stop. I’ve been not thinking, but feeling worst. I’ve been levitating. On music, on songs, on people, and on love. I’ve been levitating and just waiting to fall. Just wanting to finally fall.

There’s always a favourite. It could be argued with complete conviction that every guy has his favourite girl and every girl has her favourite guy. As of late I have had to go grocery shopping on an almost daily basis. During these hellish excursions I found my eyes wandering to a beauty who was always around when I just happemed to be walking by. To my delight I had noticed she could not tear her gaze from mine. Hitherto the oppurtunity to converse with her had not presented itself, that is until today.

One thing I would fear would being an old geriatric in a wheelchair […]

In 2015 I lost my father to suicide.

My life was irreparably damaged because of his decision, and to this day the pain he left lives on in my own heart and fuels my own Depression daily. The lives of my family were changed forever.

No matter what you think, what you believe, what you may see as evidence to fuel your decision, you will be missed. You will hurt others. You will make a void in the hearts of those around you. Your absence will be noticed. And mourned.

I live with C-PTSD and can barely work because of constant […]

Ope! I knew my time here left amongst the living was finite but I didn’t know it’d get this much more agonizing this quickly! You know the familiar beats of how this progresses by now. The thoughts are worse! my brain is less inhabitable than ever! there is less ‘good’ (and by good I mean ‘vaguely distracting’) left in the ‘wow, you call laying motionless and eating once every three days and doing absolutely nothing and talking to completely nobody because of the unbelieving excruciating trauma your brain puts you through all of the time a life?’ that I live!

So what am I to do! […]

I’m so desperately lonely. I want to know the feeling of being held again. I want this bullshit in my head to fucking stop. I just want to know someone doesnt find me fucking annoying, apparently, because everyone around me acts like I’m the most annoying inconvenient person to be around. Even if its supposedly a “joke” like my stepdad saying that yes I am annoying over and over again and I kept apologizing but he wouldnt stop… And I know it’s a god damn joke to him because he takes nothing seriously it seems, which is another thing entirely. Maybe its projecting because I really am […]

I’ve thought of something truly awful, probably my worst idea ever, some really evil actions that would feel amazing to execute.

but they’re all bad ideas. Why? because I had them. I’m wrong, I wake up in the morning wrong before I even thought, because I thought, how dare I?! I tell you I’ve got a lot of nerve, with all this thinking.

To be fair, it’s entrapment, I was told to think. All my training led me to believe that solving problems was a way to decreasse suffering. So even in my awful ideas, I’m trying to decrease pain, if not mine, someone’s.

I feel so inept, […]

A shotgun to the head does not make people feel your pain.
It does not matter how long it takes you to make the decision. Because once you do it, it just happens. There is no God coming to save you. No spiritual battle waging in your favor. You pull the trigger, and BANG, you’re face is reduced to a flappy, bloody, hollow melon, with your bug eyes popping out of your cheekbones and your limp body sagging down lifeless in your seat.
God allows this because God is the devil. He doesn’t love you or care about you; you aren’t special. And […]

I feel like I give too much of myself to this world. I hope too much. Love too much. Am too much.

I can’t be what I want to be. I can’t live the life I want to live. So I want nothing. I want not to want anymore. I want there to be someone worthwhile in the space I’m occupying, putting it to good use. But that’s not something I can control.

I don’t want to devastate my family. I don’t want that pain for them. So I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to not exist anymore. Or to never have been. Or really, to have been someone different. But that’s not something I can control.

In order to not die, I have to live. […]

The feeling always lingers in the back of my mind… I cant remember a time where it’s been gone completely, even for just a moment. A dark and cold feeling. It’s hard to talk about because I’m not good at explaining it, and I dont want to bother anybody… but I cant just… let it sit, I guess, for very long. Fear, pain, a sort of bitterness, a horrible burdensome feeling. I have fantasies that killing myself will actually help the world somehow. Like a brutal sort of death I put myself through. I think about that pretty often actually. A sort of sacrifice I […]

is the biggest joke. That’s like saying drinking salty sea water will keep you hydrated.

We don’t even have democracy in our own country- haven’t had it since the 1980s. And yet we are “spreading democracy” around the globe, or at least that’s the lie told to Americans and most Americans believe it!! When in reality, what the US is doing is destabilizing countries around the world to steal their natural resources.

Anyhow, going back to American soil- America hasn’t had real democracy since 1980- our government has been completely bought and rigged by the oligarchy for a LONG time now.

This is […]

-Daily irritation in general due to my own situation.
-General reminders that loved ones and others have been through a lot of crap and that I’ve lived the good life in comparison, a lot of do better, you’re smarter than this talk.
-Me KNOWING and UNDERSTANDING ALL OF THIS, but at this point knowing that explaining myself or trying to tell anyone what goes on in my head is pointless and gets me nowhere except having people I care for angry at me for whatever the case is.
-Me wanting to get myself out of the situation, to stop burdening the few people who do […]

I feel like everybody is moving forward but me. people around me are doing things with their lives, maybe not the best things but at least they aren’t stuck like me. it’s like life is a road and everyone is going ahead and then there is me who is just standing still. even if I want to move forward I can’t because it feels like my feet are glued to the ground, stopping me.

I don’t have that many people in my life and that’s ok for an introvert because the people i had were real and true and honest. but now all of them have […]

There hearts will race with the drawing of the tide.
Nothing will come to save them.
Humans are cannibals, consuming one another.
A broken melody, falling from the mouth of Church.
How they would roil if they knew the pain done unto me.
A knife cuts through warm flesh, and a dog grows fat. Some dogs get murdered, and some dogs get fat.
Jesus climbed the mountain, and a prophet looked to the hills, but where are the mountains, and where are the hills?
In your mind! Close your eyes and pray, they say.
Pray into the silence. Look […]