After another day wasted trying to remind myself of the reasons I shouldn’t kill myself, I’m back at the same old place. All that I can do now is try to focus on ameliorating the circumstances that lead me to feel that my life is unbearable. And I honestly still have no idea how to effectively do that.

The longing I feel for connection and acceptance doesn’t seem fixable. I can’t be real, with anyone, because the truth about me is repulsive. So if I involve myself with anyone I’m effectively tricking them into liking me, pretending to be someone I’m not. So I inevitably feel […]

Snakebite vs gunshot.

I’m not accepting this anymore. Any of it. I’m tired of this painful, lonely life. Everyone hates me now, for no reason. (Supposedly) You know, I read that Gaga was pretending her name was Lee… My dad’s name was Lee. I found him when he died. I just thought it was a coincidence how at ThyssKru, “Joe” said nobody cares if you drink poison… Just nevermind. A spiderweb virus didn’t do that too, did […]

Good feelings faded for today. I feel like dying. Just dying, dying. At least most of today was a fun day. I’m very tired and sunburnt. My legs hurt to a point I could cry. Worth it, in the end, I guess. But now I’m stuck in the car with grandparents arguing and it’s always bad when these grandparents fight because it always gets loud and scary. It’s like I’m surrounded by the rotten sounds.

I miss him. Despite everything today, and the past 2 weeks, he’s still in my fucking head. The silence. It’s been over a month, close to 2 now. And I cant […]

I got a lesson a while ago but for some reason I refused to learn from the lesson, so it was going to be another lesson until the message got through.

I entered a shopping centre from the third floor entrance, an A4 paper prescription in my back pocket. My mind was on other things (suicide) so I cannot claim I was careful enough. Just as I was walking into a pharmacy on the first floor I checked the back pocket and the prescription was missing. I fucking panicked, it had fallen out somewhere in the shopping centre. I knew instinctively that a story involving someone […]

Man, if linking whatever new conflict appears in my life with something I already wrote was a monatizable skill…. I’d be capable of earning money, ha.

there are things I can’t fix though, and that’s the current theme of my life. I wrote the devil outlet bit earlier…. and I still stand by it. It’s just, does anyone else get those posts about not cluttering up the site? It feels like it’s important to the site admins, and so in the interest of conserving the public resource of front page space, sometimes I just add to an existing post.

Compared with the devil outlet though, there are […]

Lots of little knives in my head, clawing and ripping my brain apart into little chunks of rotten sadness until it is no more. Lots of fists and knives in my heart as it tears itself apart and leaves me broken. But for what must I suffer this punishment? I yet not know. The drain in da brain drained away all my ambitions and dreams. Makes you wonder, hm? I’m left stuck here in a limbo of sorts. No one notices. Nobody notices that the dreams feel more real than the reality, and my disconnection here. No one no one no one.

They left me out […]

Really fast.
It’s all up from here.
Eventually though.
I hit the ceiling.
And there will be no place to go but down.

When you stop eating, at first there’s hunger pangs, but after some time, they go away. But when you start eating again, that pesky desire to eat comes back, and you’re forced to eat again and again. Eating USED to be enjoyable- hell, it was the only “enjoyment” in my life. But now? Eating is a fucking chore. -_-

How do we not let regret keep us stuck? I don’t mean minor regrets on stuff. I mean LIFE ALTERING choices or decisions that were made (or not made).

So many things have gone wrong in my life, and so many people have done so many bad things to me, over and over and over again. It’s hard to let go of that. Logically, I know getting stuck on the past and on emotions doesn’t do me any good. But on the other hand, when your emotions are stuck, no telling yourself to “get over it” is gonna get over it. […]

When you don’t sleep, night after night after night. and even when you do, it’s only a few hours every night, and you NEVER make up the sleep deficit. Imagine you pulling an all-nighter, except it’s an all-nighter EVERY night and you’re not allowed to pass out and sleep 10 hours and wake up all good and new.

Imagine that even when you do sleep “6” hours, that it’s not deep sleep. I do not get deep restful sleep, so when i wake up, i’m still fucking tired. it’s literally like being a fucking zombie, and NO sleep drugs don’t do shit. […]

I wouldn’t trade these days for anythinggggg. I’m so grateful.

In the next few hours/days, this will be the first time I ever have to “say goodbye” to someone in the hospital. Yet I can’t help but feel like the most despicable person for not only having my last words to her be something she even acknowledged I never said to her when she was well but wishing I had more time if only to ease my own selfish regrets… It’s things like these that make me feel like I’m a wretched creature that is better off dead and never remembered.

I was just there to buy soda for my prediabetic ass. We walked in the same time and I tried to give you the lead so you wouldnt think i was following you. I reach the soda aisle and youre there looking at candy. I panicked and went down the adjacent aisle to skip to the end where my soda is. I bounced. Oh shit youre at self checkout and about to walk out, so I talk to old coworkers to delay myself so you wouldn’t think i was gonna follow you to your car or some creepy shit. I don’t know why im […]

I need to stop being depressed and take ACTION to better my life. But atm, I am battling stupid shit like forcing myself to eat and pushing myself to go get food. Simple basic things like that are difficult. How can I push myself to start doing things to get myself out of this shithole country when I can barely get a grip on feeding myself??

I NEED to start doing stuff to fix my life. I NEED to quit being a bum and doing nothing. But I would have to be NOT depressed to start taking action. I […]

I keep having these moments of “I can’t wait to tell A about this” or “Only A would know how this feels” but then I suddenly get shaken back to reality: I remember that A fucking killed herself. What does that say about me, that the only person who felt the way I do about life chose to end it? It’s like seeing 2 of the same person but one lives and the other dies. Who do you suppose got the raw end of this deal

So it’s yet another day, and hunger pangs have come back (ate once yesterday and once the day before). But I still don’t want to get dressed, go out, go to a store and get food, come back and shower, and then eat.

I mean, shit, it’s not hard. I used to do that when I was 7. But somehow, doing something so basic as getting dressed, going out, getting food, then showering, is hard. Like WTF is that shit?

I don’t mind eating if there was food in my fridge so it’s not like I’m purposely trying to starve. […]

When money, power, fame love won’t grant me happiness and I hate every single thing related to being alive, how do I become happy? I know my only “cure” is the end I so desire but am I truly the selfish one for wanting to be “happy” even if it is in my own twisted way? Please someone tell me, am I to suffer being unhappy until natural causes or freak occurrences strikes me down!?

I’m not talking about celebrities or motivational speakers who claim on camera they beat it. As we see with celebrities, they often post positive messages, even write books on ‘recovery’ but eventually succumb to the darkness anyway. I’m also not talking about people who pop by SP saying “it gets better”. More often than not they seem to spiral back to depression soon enough.

I’m talking about someone whose life made a real turnaround and they lived a full life and died of natural causes at age 86 with a smile on their face.

Just 1 credible example of recovery might offer a little hope.

I’m actually in […]

I have more interviews coming up. Today, I think I bombed one. I didn’t prepare and froze. It wasn’t anything huge. It feels better getting out of the house. A new face. I enjoyed it. I was lightly laughing at myself inside. Haha, improv, not my thing.

I drank poison a couple days ago. I feel small. I feel embarrassed. I feel exposed. That Gaga spread so many rumors about me because she felt like it. And said “Drink it” when I confessed how I […]

I just can’t. I’m battered and broken. IDK what to do. Every day is hell. Torture.

I can’t take much more of this. NOTHING in my life ever gets better, only worse. And lately I’ve been dealing with toenail fungus that’s spread ALL over my body. FML. Been dealing with the toe for 4 years and the skin spread for the last 2 years. I can’t fucking get rid of it! And no, going to a dr to get some prescription cream does not fucking work.

And that’s in addition to the daily torment the shit fucker […]