I was think of attempting suicide again 2 weeks after my last attempt. I was wondering if this is too close together?
I’m a 24 year old guy and I’ve been in so much pain emotional for about a year. I’m financially struggling and in debt. I’m going to be starting college just now at 24. I have no job. I am also ashamed of my body because I have small wrists and only 5’4 tall. I moved out of my apartment and live in the basement of my aunt and uncle’s place. I don’t hang out with any friends and don’t talk to them much anymore. I feel like such a loser! The girl I care about has changed so much within 2 and half months. We used to talk on the phone, text and Snapchat but now she found some other guy and won’t even talk to me as a friend. I have shared so much with her and she used to talk about her problem before but now she doesn’t want to even talk about her problems with me. I opened up my heart to her and she crushed it and she doesn’t even realize it. She has known this guy for about 2 weeks and she is treating him so much better then she ever has with me. Now when it comes to my personality I’m a gentlemen and always put others before myself. I can’t stop thinking about her even though she keeps treating me so badly. When I have enough money I plan on buying a tire inflation kit with the tank that has pure-******** and going to buy a simple oxygen mask so i can breathe the pure ********, lose consciousness and die.
I got all my hair off yesterday, so now it’s a pixie cut. I’d planned to wait until summer, but I just went to get it done without a second thought. I don’t really know why I did it. I suppose part of it was so the Others don’t recognise me – I’m dyeing it tomorrow, too. The other part is just because through all my racing thoughts, this one stuck.
I did that stupid scale thing with my psychiatrist today. 1-10 for mood, and over the last four days it’s been an 8 or 9, and for my energy it’s 10. I didn’t bother bringing up the Bipolar thing my aunt suggested since it was in a good mood and didn’t want to make the session weird. That, and I was distracted by anything and everything. So my answers were extremely vague the entire hour. Although, my mum literally said, and I quote, “she’s acting very manic all the time’.
I think my mum is getting pissed off with my energy. I talk constantly and too fast for her to understand – which is weird considering I usually talk stupidly slow and quiet. And I’ve been throwing anything into the trolley when we’re shopping, so she ends up spending way too much than she originally planned. But my psychiatrist is alright with me and my safety, so I don’t see her for another 5 weeks. And I see my therapist in 2 weeks.
I’ve had roughly 6 hours sleep for the last 4 days, and I’m so energetic I don’t feel any sleep deprivation at all. I might get the first half of this painting finished tonight, since I doubt I’ll get much sleep again due to racing thoughts, Bree and other things. Oh well.
It feels so nice to say these words and actually mean them.
I just came out of the psych ward today. It wasn’t bad in there. I met a few souls whom I spoke to and connected with on a very different level.
I know I’d been saying all along that the one thing I feared most was being admitted there and being seen by my classmates. But when I was there, I actually didn’t give a fuck. I was there to fix myself.
I’ve made a decision. This is a very serious and important decision for me and I hope I stick to it. No more attempts for me. I’ve played around with pills, knives and a rope long enough. I’m putting them all down.
My family takes priority. I know I should say ‘I’ take priority, but I feel I’m not deserving of life. I have this life to better their lives. When I will actually say I want to live for me? I don’t know. Do I want that day to come? Idk.
I feel free. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I need to thank someone for this.
Mr Angry… Thank you. I don’t know how you’re doing with all the shit you’re carrying for me. But thank you.
I can breathe again. My head is clear. Suicide thoughts are still there, but not as intense. They are right at the back of my mind. Pain is still there, but I can see something beautiful beyond it.
I feel alive again. I don’t feel like a Zombie anymore.
I’m not sure where to from here. I guess right now I should take things slowly. Go easy on myself. The most important thing for me right now is studying for an exam I have in 2 weeks time. I’ve already missed about 2 weeks of school. I have a lot of catching up to do. But I believe in myself. I truly believe that I can make it. I’ll put in as much effort without over-exerting myself.
I CAN STILL DO THIS!!!
I succumbed to texting my ex. It’s a been almost 2 weeks since we vaguely texted each other. I told him that I need to be his friend and I asked him if he still even cared. He said “Yes, of course”. But he doesn’t act like it. He never asks me how I am or how my life is. It feels as if he is not my friend, not even a stranger on the street. Why am I hanging on to him like this? I’m actually starting to be completely turned off by him, sexually and in a friendly kind of way. Maybe this is what he wants. For me to just go, but he doesn’t have the heart to say it? I asked him to just say it, but he didn’t. Like if he just doesn’t want to know me anymore…. that would actually be more comforting than pretending or forcing a friendship that isn’t there.
I don’t even really feel sad, or depressed. I’m kind of pissed off. What kind of person just basically ignores you, when you try to have a friendly connection. And I honestly feel there now. Like I could be his friend… platonically. I feel as if I’m completely okay with him even dating. I just want to be his friend. To feel close. To laugh. To text and talk about things in a friendly manner, like friends do!
But he just isn’t there…even though he says he is. I’m so mad at him. And I hate begging, literally begging for his friendship. He was SUCH a deep part of my life for months. We spent nearly every minute together. And now it’s just… done. I don’t want to let go of some of it. I need his friendship or I don’t want it at all. I’m so close to just deleting our text messages. To just blocking him on the phone. To just staying away from him.
For those of you who have taken the time to listen to me.
I got my three month test 2 weeks ago.
My results came back negative.
Fuck you Zak, I hope you enjoy having hpv 2. I’m glad I didn’t catch it from you
I’ve been depressed for about 6 years now, I’ve tried medication, Alcohol, weed and more. Nothing works longer than 1 day before it comes back. I’ve planned my suicide many times, and I have always just delayed it, with the thought “What’s next?” in my mind.
Everyone I have ever met always dislikes me soon after, if not immediately after meeting me. I have felt so lonely for so long, and it’s killing me; I met this girl online, We’ve only been speaking about 2 weeks now, but I’ve always hoped she liked me. She lives in different country than me, but the hope was/is always there; Lately though, I’ve been running so many different scenarios in my head all depicting that she secretly makes fun of me with others and/or secretly finds me annoying and nothing but a burden.
I just don’t know what else to do, everything is becoming too much, and I don’t know what’s real any more.
So I was brave, and went to my doctor for help. I did it. And since I did that, my friend who took space came back and is being completely supportive again. Which is good. We’ve actually talked a lot more then we did before, and it’s not always so dark like it was. I have actually been able to help him with stuff he is dealing with. So that front has been good. And he’s been honest, the only thing he won’t stand by and watch is me constantly not going to appointments and missing 3 months worth. And he said he would be more vocal, and not just when he’s walking away. So I can do that. Now the issues. My doctor found anything thing wrong with me. So another drug I have to take, and I have to be on it for 2 weeks before I can be given anti depressants. My roommate who gets money for me is refusing to buy them. My mother told me to get over myself and get a job for them. I can barely get through 3 days straight without an extreme headache that kicks me to the ground for the rest of the day. How am I supposed to work when I would barely get in 2 hours and be off for days. Nobody would hire me. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, just like I was in December.
This is honestly just a post to get out my thoughts because they just keep clouding my head.
Anyways, I’ve been so emotionally drained the last few months. Like, there are some occasions where I’ll feel happy, sad, or angry, but if it’s not any of those, then I’m literally numb to it. And even when I do feel those, I don’t know how to react to them. I just don’t feel anything; it’s like my whole body is disconnected from my feelings. I just don’t seem to care anymore about anything. My grades are getting worse & I only have 2 weeks to fix them, but I just don’t see the point in doing anything to change it; I have zero motivation for anything. I’m surprised I even get out of bed sometimes. When I wake up, I just want to roll over & fall right back asleep. The only good part about waking up is being able to fall asleep again later. That’s all I ever look forward to.
I feel like my friends don’t even like me. They never seem to want to hang out with me. Am I really that bad? All I do is try to please them but apparently I’m just annoying them, or at least that’s how it feels.
This post was pointless, & I’m sorry for wasting your time if you read it.
Found it so difficult today. Have barely had the energy to move.
Slept most of the day managed to just about get myself showered and washed my hair. (After doing neither for 2 weeks…disgusting I know).
Feel like I could sleep for forever. Wouldnt that be nice? To not have to agonize over methods of suicide but to just fall to sleep and never wake up
I can’t silence the screams to jump, to crash my car, to cut so deep. The comfort I find in driving over a bridge, seeing a tall building or any other method of death is exhausting me.
I’m sorry for people reading this. I just needed to write it somewhere.
On fluoxetine. Loss of appetite and constant buzzing in my ears aside, my anxiety has subsided and breathing is bearable. I am supposed to take these meds for 2 weeks after which I’ll go back to see my therapist to assess my condition. What’s your experience with fluoxetine??…. That’s my sad depressed face.
What a sunny day. I’ve waked up after long dreams and I’ve realized that I want to be alive. After several days of rain today it is sunny. I got out of my bed and went in the garden to smoke my cigarette. It was sunny and beautiful outside. I felt the nature and the sun of october. It was beautiful.
I like to compare the afterlife to the world of dreams. It is a chaotic world. There is less pain but also less life. When we dream we may feel lost and dizzy in that chaotic and endless world. And a long dream feels like it never stops. When we are alive we feel more life and we can have such moments of october beauty.
I’m so frustrated with how tired I get. I want to sleep all day, every day.
And I’m so annoyed that when I FINALLY get up the urge to clean my room, do my work, etc. my parents give me so much crap.
It’s like them giving me crap about my room isn’t enough. They have to give me crap about when and how I clean it.
It makes me soo angry!!
And then when I tell them how annoyed I am. They’re just like, “Well it only takes 5 minutes to clean up your room. I don’t see why you can’t just maintain it, blah blah blah..”
Um… NO! It doesn’t take 5 minutes when you actually organize and not just stuff things out of sight. I can barely clean i every 2 weeks, how do you expect me to maintain it?
I have school, a job, I look after the kids, I clean the rest of the freaking house.
When do I have time to do stuff for me?! I barely have time to sleep!
I get a maximum of 4 hours of sleep a day. That means that I’m only getting about 30 hours of sleep during the week. A week is 168 hours!
Do parents just expect us the be freaking superman or something?
Yours, Forever and Always
The Girl Who Needs An Anger Management Class
Been going good for 6 months now. That i when i started going out with my girlfriend. I was finally happy and felt blessed to have her. The last 2 weeks have been horrible between us. We actually broke up 3 days ago but got back together the next day. I felt like i could fix this. Felt like she was trying as hard as me to fix it. We were ok for a day and a half. Then i got a hold of her phone and went through it a bit. I found that one of her new friends was upset with her for getting back with me and my girlfriend apologized for it. I’ve taken so many hits the last few days and i didnt realize the source was her. Never will i take a bullet for someone again
I’m thinking about taking my own life. My mom is my only family member and tonight we had a bad arguement. I said a lot of really mean things. I feel I was justified in being irritated, even angry, but I shouldn’t have been so mean. One of these arguments happened only 2 weeks ago. I have caused my mom so much pain with the mean things I’ve said over the years. I’ve also put her through so much with my mental and physical health problems. I honestly feel I should have never been born. When these fights happen with my mom, I seriously consider taking my life. I also suffer from depression and borderline personality disorder. I also feel like taking my life due to the depression. I’ve had many therapies, but they haven’t helped much. Anyway, I don’t know exactly when or if I’ll go through with suicide. I think eventually it will come to that.
I know killing myself would cause my mom more pain, which is one reason why I haven’t done it. I honestly just think I should never have been born. I feel stuck because I want to die, and as stated, I think I deserve to, but it will cause more pain.
I’ve been manic for the past 2+ weeks but on a major come down and feel absolutely crap I saw my cpn yesterday when I was bad with my voices and his coming again on Friday.
I’m so fed up with how I am I just car’t deal with it I don’t mind being minic as I’m happy but that the only time I am
I’ve got a loving family and bf who cares I just don’t want to hurt them but if things don’t change I know i will I’ve suffered from mental illness since I was 15 I’m now 25 I just don’t want it anymore
I’m a prisoner in my own home I just wish things would get better but they never do and if things do improve its only for a short time
I don’t thing I can go on but I after to for my loved ones but I’m scared that it will get the better off me.
Ugh. I hate coming back to my parents house. There always just fighting all the time and just keep reminding me how disappointed they are in me and how much of a fucking freak I am. Thanks mum. Everything here just stresses me out an I feel like I’m gonna explode.
Cats are here though. Hugging them beats staying back alone at my apartment for 2 weeks while I’m off uni I guess.
I tried to commit suicide 3 months ago. I survived. I hated the fact that I couldn’t get it right. Now 3 months later I am more excited about my life and the future than I have ever been before. I booked myself into a mental health institute for 2 weeks after my suicide attempt and I learned more than I can imagine about myself…and more importantly how to cope. My situation has worsened in the past 3 months yet I no longer feel the urge to end it all. I have a strong urge to survive and put my experience to good use.
what bullying and would you consider this bullying?
alright. since the start of the year I have met these group of girls (I am a girl) who have made me felt very upset. I am quiet and shy and normally don’t speak up about these things. it first started when they just stared at me, they would laugh at me and try to humilate me. 2 weeks after I had met them they would speak really loudly bad things about me then laugh. it really hurt my reputation and now I have no friends. I was recovering from self harm and it made me want to harm myself even more but I managed to control myself. they always exclude me from things and when they do that they ask me why I’m not doing anything. most of the people I meet at my school do that whole thing where they ‘look at me and whisper and laugh’ or they’ll fight over who sits next to me. most of my teachers treat me differently and I’m not sure why. before all this I was just a normal person who had a little incidents here and there. I’m really not sure what to do and I can slowly feel myself becoming angrier and sad. should I be telling someone of a higher authority this? if so what should I say
“Happiness can be found, Even in the darkest of times , If one only remembers to turn on the light.”
I thought I would start off my update with one of my all time favorite quotes. Well I’m still breathing for one. I just started at my new college 2 weeks ago. Things have definitely been getting better for me. Though I’ve had a few bad moments including clawing and slitting my arms to the point that probably be marked for a good while. I could never handle stress well. My depressive thoughts have decreased though, Though I haven’t felt more alone in a long time then I do now. It hurts .. I miss my friends from my other school. I have made new friends but I still feel so alone like a one woman wolf pack.