Ironically, I can’t actually describe what it feels like anymore. In September and October all I wanted was to forget and stop feeling- I was so certain that would solve my problems. Now I’ve forgotten so much I’m not even the same person. I have no idea what to say to people anymore. Writing is easier because you only see the finished product, you don’t see me daydreaming or imagining, or pausing; you just read this and that’s it. Face to face I find myself just sitting there staring. The only people I talk to are my roommate who is a self absorbed moron and […]
Tag:
always
Don’t read this if you don’t want to. I don’t expect people to do it. I just need to summarize the past months to see where I fucked up once again.
I started highschool, alone, like always.
People came to me asking why was I alone and if I wanted to be with them.
I befriended them.
I started meeting more and more people. They all seemed really nice.
Probably I fell in love with someone.
All my friends are “divided” into 2 different groups.
Group 1.
-The girl I accidentally fell in love with even when I know I will never accomplish anything.
-The girl’s best […]
They asked me if I was suicidal. Rather, they asked me if I was intending on harming myself or anyone else. Of course, I could never build up the courage to lay a finger on someone, let alone stab them or fatally injure them. But, I wanted out. And I would have escaped had I not been born a coward. If I weren’t such a goddamn coward I would not be typing this hoping I’ll get some answers. My story isn’t very long, for I am not very old, and I’ll only tell if you want. It’s nothing special; in fact I wonder how it […]
Reminiscing feels unhealthy. I am taxed with the question, “When will you settle down, get a wife, and have kids?”
I do not want kids… I do not want marriage. Why should I want these things when I do not believe in love anymore. The thought is beyond exhausting. I had always believed in giving someone all of my heart when in a “committed” relationship. Despite good intentions, best efforts, and more than several long term tries – it seems all I earned was heart ache;
• Incompatibility
• Incomprehension
• Infidelity
• Insincere Involvement
All that I am left with is • introspection… it must be me. My fault. It cannot be all of […]
I love you more than my own life… you swore to me marriage and a future… you swore to always love me… and now I don’t even know if you’ll be here… you may leave… please… don’t go… the millions of chances I’ve given you, just give me one… you PROMISED to work through this with me, no matter how hard… please… don’t go…
F is the cruelest letter
It tells you that it will never get better
That you are, and always will be
A failure, don’t you see?
This is your destiny, preordained
Molded by your own hands that have stained
Yourself, and everything around you
A deep, twisted blue
So do not aspire, do not dream
For life does not burst at the seams
With joy, mirth and green
Because for you, only one thing is foreseen
An end, a quiet end
So that you may send
Yourself to deepest black
Which shall take all that you lack
And consign it to silence
A most fitting penance
For a fool such as you
Like the title says; i have lost ALL interests. There are still some people whose companionship I prefer above others but one hand I prefer to be alone but still need people around me at times. Currently I get this at work and after work it is enough; this is exactly like in my high school years.
Again I am reading a lot.
I am reading mostly read about older civilizations and technology.
My issue is how the world is being run. What they say about dictatorship is that most people prefer it because it is simply less messy. But we need one in the […]
Hi, my name is Melissa. I’m very new to this, I just wanted to share some stuff about my life.
Ever since I was little my mom and dad always had problems so, they’d fight a whole lot and my mom would kick my dad out of the house. My mom would kick my dad out of the house, because he’d always be drinking, and they were always fighting with eachother. I remember hearing my mom cry outside at 3 in the morning, my dad going outside and asking what was wrong when he was the problem.
I would get depressed, because my dad was […]
It makes not since.. Back at one..
You told me I meant so much to you, yet when I try to do something to benefit you because I know if I didn’t do what I did, you’d be in serious trouble… you turn everything around and pin things on me, to make me seem like the bad guy.. I can’t say I don’t have any mistakes, we all do.. But I never do anything to hurt you, and if I have it’s not intentionally.. I have only ever cared for you, more than I think I actually know how to care for myself and my […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA1Xvgauffc
Let me begin to say that my stomach is in knots. Just the thought of killing myself makes me want to throw up, yet all I think about is killing myself. The fact that I will never be happy and “normal” (if you must use that word) again frightens me. I want to get better so badly and yet I am still the same person who won’t ever do well in life, I am always going to be the person I have always been. A monster, a monster is the best way to put it because I scare everyone and my sadness and feelings I […]
Everyday I get up and I go to work or I clean my house and all the while I’m faking a smile.
It’s not much but it’s hard and it’s leaving its mark.
I pretend I don’t hurt because that’s what they deserve, but the pain never fades and my guilt only stays.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try to atone for my sins because the slate can never truly be cleaned.
There’s this pit in my stomach and my conscience is grim.
How can I be happy when you always remind me of my sins.
These transgressions pull at me and when I’m […]
Sometimes when you are lonely or afraid you seek solace in the one place, person, or thing, that comforts you and calms you down. That sanctuary you enjoy is euphoric, you feel safe, secure, and free. But what happens when it starts to trap you? When it becomes a prison you can’t escape? What do you do when the one person you should be able to tell every fucked up emotion to doesn’t want to listen to the things that hurt you the most. What about when no matter what you do you still feel alone? Just keep trying right? Ignore it? Pretend you aren’t […]
It’s hard to remember that there is never truly a ‘right way’ of dealing with suicide, whether it’s you or a family member that has attempted. People will always get hurt, there will always be those feelings of shame, pointing fingers, those that will calls us melodramatic and say things that could tighten the noose a day sooner.
So knowing that, why not just buck up and take on that added shame when you reach out? I tell myself. Why am I so afraid of uttering my deepest secrets to the person that I’m expected to do that with?
Because the moment I do, he will […]
I don’t think I’ve ever done this before. I can say right now this is going to be a really long post because I’m pouring myself and my twisted emotions into this. I don’t expect anyone to read this fully. Or even at all. I’m not writing this expecting I’ll get help on here. I’m doing it for myself because maybe if I put my thoughts in words it will help me in getting through this confusion, even though I detest writing.
I am a 20 year old female. Right now I’m living in the city away from home. Right now I don’t have a job […]
Tonight after I get to see my kids I will end my life. I have bought them a gift that will always remind them of me and how much I love them. It is my time to go to end my pain. I love my children and hope they will understand as they are 9 and 10. My two daughters are and always will be my angles!
What I wouldn’t give to have a woman one time tell me she loves me before I go. All I ever wanted was to be loved and be a good father. May those that are here find peace in […]
why is that I am always that last kid to be picked for gym of for a group project the teacher has to put me into a group and everyone has to hate on me because they were happy with their friends before I showed up.. I am always such a burden to everyone. Even my mom says that I am a burden. So why am I still here if no one gives a damn about me? and being the last pick of the bunch or the “thing” that no one wants. I am the ugly duckling and no one really gives a damn. I […]
Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve thought of killing myself on multiple occasions. Most of the reasons would be because of feelings of inadequacy, helplessness and frustration. When I was a little girl, I would often think of running away from home. I would plan which bag I would take, which clothes I would take away, and would decide whether to take the bus or a taxi to wherever I was going to run away to. I have been planning my escape since I was nine.
I am not an only child. I was not abused. I did not come from a poor family; we […]
Just two days ago, my dog had to be put to sleep. As I’m typing this, I should be getting some sleep myself. It’s 1:30am, and I don’t want to, nor can’t I, sleep.
The worst part? He was my only real friend. From the moment I owned him, even to this day, I had, and still have, a grand total of zero human friends.
All my schoolmates did was one of three things: say hello once a month, ignore me, or see how far they could push me, if they could make me snap.
It must have been their favourite game: Push The Freak Until He Breaks. […]
I cut class for the first time today. I can’t take it anymore I can’t go on living like this college jut started and the only thing I’ve done this two days is cry. I’ve always been scared of cutting class because I don’t want to be a burden on my parents which I already am but I’m so depressed and suicidal that Im staring not to scare if I fail college. What’s gonna happen? I want to die anyway. Some days I feel OK like this pass days but now that I have to go out and be out all day and deal with […]
I guess you can say I know what I want now. Lately I have been trying to be the social guy that gets invited alot and talks to alot of people. I wanted to make myself think that that was the way I can change for “better.” But in reality thats not me. I am the guy that is really quiet in class and when I go home, I go straight to my only friend. My computer. Thats all I want now. All I want is to be the quiet guy that no one talks to, the one who goes home and find his only […]