BRB my conscious is going to murder me right now.
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That’s because there is no one no one, no one, whose life will be even a tiny bit altered by my death. Not one person upset, except the people who will smell the stench from my apartment 3 weeks after I’m gone and the people who have to clear up the mess left behind and my rotting carcass. But sad? Nah. Not a soul.
I have no family left, no friends. I go months without uttering a word to anyone except perhaps the occasional post man ‘hello’ and perhaps thank you to the lady at the supermarket till.
Anyway, It’s been a while since I first posted […]
It was going really well for a while. There was a girl I loved, and she loved me back. I was happy with her. Then we broke up… She told me she had too much school work and anxiety over it, and that her mom told her to (this is 11th grade, mind you). I was completely fucked to begin with but I was okay. I thought I moved on with my life. Then, out of nowhere, she sends me a picture of her with a guy. The fucking *****. I hadn’t talked to her in a month (pretty much since the break-up). I texted […]
Though outwardly I may appear to be happy really and truly, I’m dying inside. There’s that one straw that breaks the camel’s back or so they say. If so.I welcome the straw and the harbinger of death. Waiting patiently for that straw. Then I’m gone and I will not suffer anymore.
I saw my therapist yesterday. Surprisingly I opened up to her a lot about the voices (she knows about the other set which aren’t the Angels). The Angels weren’t there, so I wasn’t as nervous as I usually am in my sessions.
She did the number scales with me again. 0-10 on how likely I am to listen to the voices. The first was how likely I am to hurt myself because of them, I said 5 (it’s really a 8 or 9), but she was happy with that. And the other was how likely I am to hurt others because of […]
Morning: I was sad and scared of taking the exams. I was feeling pressured too. And little. So I ran away.
Traffic. The driver made us go. I got some money back and walked. While walking I thought of it as a punishment for running away. But rode another ride halfway. I’m a half ass lol.
I stopped at a convenience store to get a drink. And walked home.
I took out the stuffs I bought yesterday. One of them is the cards from cardcaptor sakura. It is said it can be used for divination too. So, I arranged it. Somehow, I got motivated to do something. Like […]
Hello all, first time poster here, and I know not how long I’ll be around to post again.
I was born just as any other fortunate kid – to a loving family that deeply cared for me. When I was young, and growing up, I engaged in many of the same activities a kid from my time period engaged in: television, Nintendo, sports when the weather permitted, etc. I was never abused by my parents, and only received discipline when I stepped out of line (which I deserved). I was also a bit spoiled as I grew up – my mother brought in a salary of […]
..And sick fascination, glued to the screen of its descent. Binge watching the drama of your life unravelling, slowly, season by season. Gripping entertainment at its worst. No matter the warnings, ominous music threatening the hero’s demise, still you sit back with popcorn and watch it happen. Almost in a way, dysfunctionally, satisfied at the continuing destruction before you…”How much worse can it get? Ooo, lets tune in next week and see”. Somehow paralyzed, unable to gain access to the writer’s room and alter the narrative, however fully aware you know you own the studio, licensing and creative rights.. At least that’s how it feels […]
For three days I was all excited… the guy I really like told me that he’d give me a chance… if… I weren’t suicidal.
SO! I took that thought an ran with it. I applied for college after having the app on my desk for about a month, and started feeling more chipper. I rewired my room as I’ve been planning, sent out orders for my shop, etc.. I was genuinely on the up-and-up for about three days. until today…
Today I see him, say hi, and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. Likely busy or having issues of his own no doubt, so I don’t blame […]
I didn’t really know were else to come but here so…
I always feel sore somewhere, my hands have had problems for years, my back often gets sore as well as my feet when standing of walking for a long time. My knees can start to hurt too and sometimes my joints feel so uncomfortable, not in a hurting way though, just a weak way. Lately I have also been getting sore hips, or they just feel really weak.
I’m 15 year’s old and I’m quite athletic, I’m pretty sure I eat healthy (Healthy enough) and I am quite fit compared to most other people my age […]
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years because I have been suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts for quite a few months now; I felt I was dragging him down. He made sure I was serious and agreed to break up (not that we haven’t before – we frequently took breaks, always went back to each other and never to other people). However, this time, I got a text from his best friend saying that he went back ti his ex… that our two year relationship was infatuation -not love. That she’s his true love. They dated for 3 months and then she […]
Hi folks. I want you to know, you help me get by. I understand you, I feel for you, your stories resonate for me, I am one of you, here I belong. I was never a ‘happy smiley’, I never will be a happy smiley. In fact I militantly stand for the right not to fecking smile lol. I was the only one in my sixth form class not freaking smiling. And I’m not ashamed. I knew life and society sucked back then (though I was lamentably immature and naive in so many other ways). I wasn’t taken in by the hype.
So fuck faking it.
I let back in the most beautiful demon. He took all my trust, stability, emotions, happiness. But he came back and I floated up to the surface. I felt like living so he played his role and left and took the last piece of me that was clinging to my shell. How do you hold on when you can feel feathery oblivion right beneath your feet? How was I supposed to love myself when I watched everyone find nothing worth loving in me? I want to be back amongst the living but its too hard. I thought maybe it was all a test of my […]
You stopped the pain from carrying on
This is why I’m sitting here writing this song
You lied to me and ended it this way
Didn’t even have the guts to say it to my face
You’re just a coward a twit
All you do is is make my teeth grit
Fuck off back to your own life
I’ll just go back to my one true love the knife
Hello my deceased father, are you going to help me kill him or kill me? You’re standing in front of my bed talking to me in a voice I do not understand and sounds so foreign. The image of you is so clear it’s like you have been resurrected from the dead to see me one more time, I cannot tell if I am dreaming or awake, this is so surreal. I have to say it is nice to see you again father, even if I do not know your intentions.
Peering out my bedroom window to see my expensive exercise equipment on the lawn of […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It’s pretty late where I’m located right now. Normal people are sleeping. I should be as well, although I can’t seem to do that at this time. I need to get up for work in about three hours, and if I don’t do that, this day is going to be long, no doubt.
Do you ever feel like the silence is the loudest thing around? I’ve moved to a new area, and hardly know anyone. Sometimes I wish there were someone out there, maybe like a radio Dj, that one could listen to at these odd hours of the evening, and just let everyone know […]
Just yesterday I had a dream of my mother, she was drunk and throwing stuff around our home. In my dream I called her “a drunk” and then she looked at me and asked “what about you?” What was the box of wine I found in your room?”
That dream could not be more true, I’m not living at home but its true I’m drinkin as much or even more than she is.
Life is not working out at all, I’m 23 years old, never had sex, never had relationship. I seriously just want to die.
I hear comments from my friends every few days about how […]
Square one, my slate is clear. Took a long time to get back here. Thank you my friend! And now …I will begin again.
Monday is when I go back to college but I’ve been falling slowly now. My grip on life is getting weaker by the day. Yet, I realized I’m beyond saving, be it by my own strength or another person’s. At the beginning of this forked path, I’ll post every uplifting/encouraging Japanese song I know for a week or so. The first one is Only Human by K, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppINLeLEnFo. Here’s hoping it helps you more than it did me.