There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
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Dale swerved his car drunkenly up his long sloped driveway, barely stopping before the big oak tree at the top. He stumbles out of his car, barely able to find his own legs. His family dog, Conroy, lays coward while tethered to the porch. Conroy’s tail tucks underneath him as he whimpers, sensing the state of of Dales condition.
“Shut up mutt” Dale slurs, approaching the dog in an aggressive, albeit staggering motion.
Suddenly flashes and streaks stream around in a whirlwind. Somehow louder than a sonic boom but quieter than a whisper. Conroy’s gone. Dale mumbles, rubbing his eyes. Still no Conroy.
Thinking he’s […]
I’m seen from a window high in the sky, when i dive into this scene that i live through frame by frame, each isolated, but in each i can see feel and hear any and everything, i can hear fingers plucking guitar strings, how the grease from them stick to the strings and pluck them off-tempo as fingers release pressure. I get lost in a pink haze of stage smoke while i’m hypnotized by voices and sounds. To look then into the past and remember that constantly I get the reflex of eating with my elbow up, It hit me whilst i ate something in the […]
Do you ever feel like there is nothing left for you to do,
That everything inside of you has been let go of and you can’t fix yourself anymore than you have tried?
Believing in yourself had an expiration date for me; the day I was born.
Or maybe it was the day I realized I could never be a kid in my family. That I would always have to be some part-adult to take care of the adults around me. And with all of this responsibility I lost myself along the way, I was eliminated and there was no telling to what I had […]
8am- scheduled wake up
10am- actually woke up
10:02am – ah fuck late again
10:05am begin caffeine/nicotine regiment
(Blank area)
12pm- work starts to go to hell
12:30pm- spouse is in melt down
(This continues as a back and forth on which gets attention, which sucks the life out me more)
2:30pm- spouse declares I’m the problem, relationship is over (not hopeful, never is)
3:15pm- work days fucked, with 10 hours to go, isolation is creeping in, the sun is too shining, happy people piss me off with their happiness.
4pm- me: here’s the issue
Boss: no that issue […]
Some song lyrics I wrote awhile back, without music I guess it’s a poem. Only sharing because I think some of you will enjoy it.
Part 1:
My shadows gone, today.
My own reflection, just looks away.
I’ve lost something, somewhere,
Down the road.
But it’s hard to remember,
what you didn’t know. . .
Part 2:
Sitting beside myself,
We didn’t recognize us.
So we parted ways,
Left myself in the dust.
Searching for answers,
No questions at hand.
Been looking so long ,
Forgot where I am
Part 3:
So I pour out a shot,
But I drink from the bottle.
And I figured it out ,
Somewhere near the bottom.
But when I woke up,
I’d forgot it all again…
I hate my life and wish i was dead , My wife is a piece of shit and i hate her and am only sticking witth her because we have a baby together. Im soooooooooo sorry i had a baby witth her . If i could go back in time and change things i would. I find myself sacrificeing my happiness for the baby because i want him to have a better life than mine . I feel like crying everytime i look at my son , i feel horrible bringing him in this world with the person i did. Everytime i look at my […]
We sometimes need to be reminded of once-happy moments of our childhood. And sometimes you just need to take a walk down a quiet forest path, or on a calm clear beach, just a place to be away from all the noise. That is what my experience was sorta like seeing this sorta clip of nature. The ideas brought into this video, the feeling of peace has helped bring back those memories for me. If you’re in any moment or feeling of distress, I hope this can somehow calm your senses.
Suicide runs in the family. Dad killed himself almost 8 years ago, then my cousin who most identified with did the same a year later.
I know have had some form of bi-polar with major depressive episodes throughout life, and for sure major anxiety, but somehow have always been able to pull through when times got bad.
I have faced the darkness and abyss of just wanting to die and slowly pulled myself out of it, maybe it was easier back then, being younger, in college, more involved in people’s lives, my mother still cognizant and father still alive.
Mom has alzheimers now, I uprooted […]
I think they are a waste of time unless you have very specific grievances to name. Nevertheless, I caved in and wrote one so maybe my dad won’t feel as bad…
“I know you love me, but you can’t force someone to stay alive just to make yourself (any of you) feel better. This did not happen because I need to take more antidepressants. No, it’s not because I need more vitamin D. No, it’s not entirely about Bryan. NO, this was not a rash decision I would take back. Do you know the lyrics to the M*A*S*H theme song?
Thru early morning fog I see
visions […]
Wading through bureaucracy is sort of like having to sniff Satan’s armpit sweat through a really long straw. It’s unpleasant no matter what method you use, but hey, the rules and regulations say you HAVE to use a straw… and the straw has to be blue, and it has to come from one particular office which is only open on Tuesdays from 3:00 to 3:02 pm.
On a related note:
I got the Medicaid problem sorted out.
There was a computer error; someone hadn’t sent my information through all the right channels, and that’s why stuff wasn’t showing up as being approved.
But it’s fixed now.
I got […]
It won’t leave my head. Maybe writing it on here will give me a bit of a rest.
Before my neighbours eventually managed to finally kill my brother, they had been trying for a few year.
In 2013, after yet another harassment from them when I was coming back from school, my mother told my brother about it. Of course, it pissed him off. He decided to confront them and ask them exactly what they wanted from me.
I was not home that day. When I got back, things were upside down, and there was so much blood. My parents were not at home. They had taken my […]
So it has been a while since I last made a post on this site. Some of you may know that I was in a severely fucked up state. I came very close to trying to kill myself again but being on the edge of the abyss allowed me to do something I wouldn’t of been able to do: Lie with all I had.
Some of you may be confused by my last statement, let me try elaborate. I had completed my degree in IT, majoring in Software Development, over a year ago but in my final year of uni I suffered a mental breakdown and barely […]
Just walked in thinking everyone thinks im shit (which they do). Its better then walkong in all happy, and excited thinking im just going to be nice and maby make some friends. But insted they are just fake to me and talk shit about me behind my back. This way they cant hurt me worse then i hurt myself. ? Is it bad that this makes me calm.
last time i wrote here was on my 15th birthday, probably the worst birthday ever because no one showed up to the party. There was this nice guy i think, seesmith, who really inspired me with his words- he told me to be my true self even tho it’s a painful process. So that’s what i did. I took a step back. I didn’t talk to my “friends” for three months now and no one cares how i’m doing. The people i called friends doesn’t really care. I feel really lonely. I eat nothing and sleep all day so i can avoid the loneliness. My […]
pushing through the days somehow ignoring that nasty voice in the back of my head(sometimes at the forefront) that says I should die, that death would be easier, that death is sweet, that I should cry until I die. I’ve gone to the doctor lately who tells me she’s concerned about my weight gain and my liver. I googled diets that could help my liver and maybe i won’t drink as much anymore but im so sad and there is so much liquor in my fridge/freezer.
I’m at work pushing back the tears because they won’t help. I bumped into a friend from college and another […]
I’m so self destructive
things start going good, then I do as much as possible to ruin any progress I make and get myself in a worse situation
The end is coming soon, at least I have death to look forward to.
I feel terrible for pushing him away; for the way I push and shove and keep him at a distance.
I’ve done this dozens of times. He won’t let me do it to him, he says. I laugh because they all say that.
I self-destruct. I don’t know what to do with my pain, and so I turn it back on myself. I make them leave, then I tell myself I deserved it, that it was bound to happen.
It’s been three months. Three months of calling me beautiful, inside and out. From stopping my wounds from bleeding out with his bare hands. Telling me he can handle […]
Protected: Today’s one of those days where I feel like everybody’s laughing behind my back.
written by whiskered-fish
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Reading some people’s posts here sometimes makes me think that I don’t have it that bad, if things are written on paper. At the same time I think thought that I personally am much worse. People here have attractive personalities and can socialize so well, they say creative things and go back and forth with each other so well. In contrast I just feel like a lurker, a package containing all the negatives of the human experience who found the ultimate worse addictions, feeling sorry for himself and reading about people who truly struggle with real problems.
I wish I could communicate better, and I’m not […]