Some background info for those not familiar with my posts. The daughter in the title is not my biological child, and I have no claim to her in a legal sense, either. She is my ex-fiancée’s daughter. We were together for 5 1/2 years, and she left me for no reason earlier this year.
She then proceeded to completely erase me from her life. And so have her kids. She has gone back to her ex-husband, who she left in order to be with me. I haven’t seen her or the kids since February 1st.
To this day I don’t know what I did to […]
And that’s being a fucking failure. I failed this semester. Couldn’t graduate. My parents won’t talk to me… even though I left them messages saying I felt awful and suicidal. I don’t have any friends, they’re really all I have. If they don’t give a fuck about me, who do I have? I bought a ton of dope last night, with intention to overdose and die. I was so fucking close. I woke up on my floor all disorientated, my limbs all numb because of the way I was laying on them for so long when I passed out… I FAILED AGAIN!!! I can’t even […]
The warm spring air calms my mind as my feet hit the sparkling cement of the now wet main street bridge. The hood of my black jacket hides my face as I make my way to the top. Its 2a.m. and the city is dead silent. My phone buzzes continuously in my back pocket, but I ignore it. My mind wonders as I stare down at the black waters beneath me. Who will miss me when I’m gone? Who will think of me? I check my […]
so my best friend has been really quiet for the past month and i just found out why. a kid in out grade tried to rape her on night. i was shocked when i found out. yeah the kid was kinda weird but rape? i didn’t think it could happen in our small town. to my best friend. i had done all i could trying to make her feel better and tell me what was wrong before i found out. i set up a scavenger hunt in her house for her, i told her that i was there if she ever needed to talk. but […]
I haven’t been on here in a while… OK so 4 weeks ago we (me, my mom and 2 brothers) left our house. My mom’s boyfriend was back in drugs and was drinking every night and coming home and would fight with my mom. He got into a fight with the neighbor and the neighbor busted his head open, My mom had enough. So we left and have literally been staying wherever. It was really hard, especially when trying to do your school work and try to get the thought out of your head that you don’t have a home, and friends would make fun […]
I keep bouncing back and forth on what to think of you. I want to see you for the person you really are. How you avoided me and just walked away when you saw me, how you didn’t come in to pick me up from the police station, how when I pushed you away physically when we were having sex and obviously was uncomfortable, but you kept going, and finally rolled over annoyed, sleeping at opposite ends of the bed, how you probably had sex with other girls while you were doing “business” and crawled back into my bed every single night. The thought of […]
I wish she could tell me that I can die id die a million deaths for her that statement would be met quickly with my death then she could go on with her horrible boyfriend and have a family I’d stop hurting and annoying people my thoughts and actions are unforgivable even if she left him my future with her wouldn’t be good enough I’d hold her back all I ever wanted in my life was the marines to die in battle she changed that but I’m not certified for shit I have no intention going to college I’ll just hold her back she deserves […]
Hi, it’s Astley. So on friday, I walked into parents room and my dad says “You’re wearing long sleeves” and gave me a look. I sat down on the bed and my three year old brother leans over and said “Let me see” I pulled up the sleeve with my cuts on it and he looked at me and said “Now the right side” so I showed him (no cuts on the right side) and he said “good job” then went back to teen titans…
I’ve been depressed for a while, and it’s been an up and down thing. Lately, I’ve been extremely stressed, and I’ve been on edge,. My boyfriend is depressive and schizophrenic and has been on edge along with most of the people in my environment. Long story short, after a few sequences of inconvenient events, I’ve decided I want to kill myself. And not in a sporatic depressive episode, but in a more organized form. The only thing holding me back is that I was told that If I killed myself, my other would too and I couldn’t stand that. Although it on occasion becomes my […]
I have done many substances in my short 22 years on this planet , overdosing several time. From coke to pills , but by far the easiest was heroin.
my friend shot me with a huge dose and I immediatley lost all connection with reality. I could not feel my body I could hardly see , I couldn’t hear or taste . My senses were literally taken from in an instant. You would think this sensation would he scary but thankfully I remained somewhat oblivious to my state. Looking at the panicked expression on my friends faces. My conscious was pushed to the back of my […]
I can’t cope with this anymore. Everythings falling apart. Nobody cares about me and the only person that does, the girl I love with all my heart doesn’t anymore either. I’m a wreck. I break down, I get so angry, I cry, I can’t sleep and it happens everyday. I want to end my life so bad. Nobody will care that I’m gone. It will end all the pain I’ve put on people and they wont have to stress about me anymore. I have a plan. I’m going to write a suicide not explaining everything, I’m going to sneak out when everyone is asleep then […]
For the first time in a long time, my anxiety is back. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. I’ve felt like I can’t breathe for the past two days. I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
I felt better for a while and then it rushes back. Like a long lost lover with a toxic relationship. A battered person unable to leave the relationship with the abusive partner. I struggle to breath tonight as suicides embrace becomes stronger. I want to let go, give myself over to these strong clutches. I am exhausted living in denial. Seeing through the fog unknown memories. Struggling with childhoods demons.
Three times. Three failures. Twice. I will explain.
This is not only the third time I have raised a loaded gun to my head. It is also the third time in the last 3 weeks that I was ready only to back out.
First things first.
The first time, back in June 2012, it was purely impulsive. No plan, no thinking. I was faced with an impossible choice. Either give her up or give up everything else. This will be the common theme in my suicidal journey. Someone trying to take her away from me. Obviously I chose her.
The second time, January of this […]
how do you care or support for someone who asks for your help but then treats you like crap? Especially if that person is family. You can’t talk back to your parents or speak up for yourself because the world has tauught you since you were a kid to not talk back to ‘authority’ or ‘elders’ or ‘parents’ or ‘carers’. Then there are people who teach you that you should speak up for yourself, tell them what your thoughts or idea or opinion is….when you finally do it, it just seems to go the other way and you give up….stop trying, not bother, be pushed […]
Why do people have to be so heart less this is the second post i have put on hers and i really dont know why im telling everyone my problens because i hate taliking to people my x left me back in September because i wasnt the person i used to be after i got hurt and i found she had been cheating on me for awhile and im in constant pain i live on pain killers and other meds for my heart rate and blood pressure they say its because of the pain and i admit im not the same person im tirectired all […]
Well It looks like I’m all alone once again in my dorm room tonight.. Worse part is I walked down to the lobby of my dormitory and saw a big group of my friends playing a card with a group of guys. Said hi and they said hi back the rest just look at me awkwardly and do I say anything no. Thinking about reopening some old scars on my thighs with one of the spare razor blades in my dresser drawer to cover the pain for a while and just move on…. Much better then break down crying and maybe get some sleep.
So what […]
My cat is my best friend and my mother, my children are awesome but live with their mom, big accomplishment from a 37 year old male! Been completely alone for a few days and have spent much time pondering the remainder of my crippled life. I survived a motorcycle accident in 2011, have T.B.I. that has affected motor skills on my right side. I can go on about how drastically my life has changed in what seems a blink of an eye but who really gives a fuck! I do not want this existence, I’m %100 cognitive, very intelligent but everyday I stare down the […]
So, does the question remain
Ah, sweet melody
I need to study, to talk about my life
So we can put the puzzle together
The daredevil night, my heart sinks at the bottom
I will do that needs to be done
To maybe someday, you’ll see
Falling down to be
My heart sinks to the bottom
Like the raining sky
I will go far away, and bring everything back
The music is not over
Permaculture
Little brother and Minotaur
And my best friend, his name, is Mecton
And he’s got two Pythons and likes candy and he’s my homie
Walking back together, thrashed by the […]
Here is what I dreamed last night, unedited, unabridged (However, I left out the first hour about go, nodejs and perl over at Joel’s house).
Going down for a tour of a nuclear plant. Gary, Joel, Ryan, Ben and Me.. Its a
long way down. Gary decides to take a shortcut in the vehicle we are in. soon
we are flying through the air. More like Mario cart than anything else. Trying
to land back on the road, or so I think. We pass many on-comers, until soon we
look at each other in the back, realizing we are drifting further and further
from the road. […]