I think I’m going to kill myself soon. I’m not sure when, but I’ve started to formulate a plan. So many times before, when I’ve thought of ending it, the people I loved and cared for held me back. I don’t have that anymore. It just hurts knowing I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to get an education, to travel, to own nice things, or have other people love me unconditionally. My entire time on this planet has just been reinforcing this idea the entire time. I’m tired. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
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Haven’t sleep ok in months. Neither tonight. But this morning… the cold seems to be gone. My dog’s head is on my arm. Somehow, the world seems to be quiet, and birds start to be back. For almost an hour, I slept like a child. Time to wake up. I’m still afraid of talking to people.
But for an hour, everything was ok.
I keep thinking about going to therapy again… it never helped me before though… I dont know what to do… i dont exactly have cash on hand for an appointment… Admit myself back into a hospital???… ive never been with a bunch of other adults though… just adolescents… im too terrified of the adults there… would i have to stay for a really long time??? how much would i have to pay for it??? is it even worth it at all??? a knife or water can end it all much faster for me with little to no major pain… id be free, well, sort of… […]
Who would go to my funeral if I did it, if I really went through with it? Would they cry, spend a day mourning me like they did him? Or would I be another statistic in this world, another person put through the machine and spat back out? Would they think I was weak, would they respect me, would they talk about me, would they feel guilt for all the thing’s they should’ve and shouldn’t have said? Would my cousin cry? Would she? Would he? Where would I end up, who would lay me down to rest, and who would speak the final words, what […]
My depression is continuing to get worse. I’ve reached a new point where I find that I’m actually starting to enjoy this feeling of despair. I’m starting to enjoy all of the emotional pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, the sorrow. It’s strange, just a few days ago I hated it and all I wanted was to be happy. But lately, I’ve been craving it. It almost gives me a kind of high. I think maybe it’s because I’ve been like this for so long, that it’s starting to grow comfortable. Happiness feels so foreign now, that I just want to crouch back into my dark […]
I am terrified of my parents. I don’t know why. They’re good people, I just hate telling them anything. Whenever I get a grade back, I never tell them unless it’s really terrible or unless they haven’t seen a grade in the class in a long time. Like, sometimes I want to show them a grade, good or bad. But I get so much anxiety from just showing them; approaching them and saying ‘hey I got my —– test back’. I get so much anxiety that I wake up during sleep and my stomach gets that nervous feeling. I have no clue why. I just […]
I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time. I’ve started seeing a new therapist and though I can’t tell him everything he’s really been helping me. For the past three days I’ve felt happier and calmer than I have in a long time despite all the crap. I really want to rekindle my relationship with my (ex)boyfriend. He’s been dealing with a lot and I kept my distance because he doesn’t need to deal with me on top of it all. I’m waiting until I’m better to try and be with him again. We were perfect together until the old feelings came […]
I find myself just waiting.
I’m in the world’s longest queue and just when I get to the end, I’m redirected by a version of myself back to where I started.
I’d say things were going better because to everyone else, it appears like my life is picking up again. I’m talking to friends, showering, sleeping fairly normally and going the gym regularly.
But it’s not okay. I am useless at pretending to be okay. It is not a skill I have mastered.
Went to a different therapist the other day. She really was a lovely woman, but I told her exactly what she wanted to hear. Just like […]
It’s a funny question.
I question myself if I am suicidal … I’m diagnosed with major depression impulse control disorder and anxiety. But when I got discharged from the hospital again my second time I was okay… But after a couple of weeks so many people weren’t there for me.. I feel no need to live, because I’m not important… I also don’t want to go back to the hospital again and I don’t want attention I’m just tired
I’m a loser , I am a loser in this cruel boring LIMITED real world , reality , real life
by niki
written by niki
I’m a loser , I am a loser in this cruel boring LIMITED real world , reality , real life .. !
I am a 33 years old Asian guy, who used to have so many beautiful hope & dreams ,
and many people have told me that I’m a smart, multi talent , very creative, & wise person
but now the more I see this cursed world, people, humans beings, and this reality, the more I lose hope in humanity , losing hope in human beings, and also lose hope in myself & my future
you see ,.. Reality / real world / real […]
Its been a very rough past few months for me. Hell who am I kidding, its been a very rough past 7 years. I just havent been able to catch a break. It’s been one thing after another. When it rains it pours? Yeah it’s been absolutely pouring down on me with no signs of stopping. Still looking for that ever non existent light at the end of this tunnel. Yet everytime I get to the point of no return I somehow am still here to live it all over again the next day. I have wanted to die for quite some time but I […]
I always have my mind on this same wish. If only it can be true… My wish? I want to go back in time and tell my self “Don’t fucking do that! DO NOT FUCKING DO THAT! You will fuck up everything and dwell in sadness and regret if you do that!”
I’ve been toying with what I think is my favourite memory recently, just letting it play on repeat behind my eyes. It’s kind of a double edged blade, because when I’m in it, I’m happy. But happiness leads to overthinking, a sword I think many of us here at SP fall on regularly.
Okay, so it’s his 20th birthday. It feels like only yesterday but it was a lifetime ago now. We threw him a party at the house and so many people came. A testament to how loved he was. Scratch that. How loved he still is. I was actually enjoying myself being around other […]
I feel like there is no point to living this life anymore, I have lost everything so why not my life too
It’s days like today when I hate you the most for leaving us all alone…it’s days like today when I hate myself for hating you and everything you’ve done. I can’t change the past, I can’t bring you back, and I have no way to get to you because death is just too far away. She brings your light back into the world but it’s days like today when she’s a screaming crying hurricane that I wish you were here so you could quiet the storm, just hold her one time but you can’t even do that. It’s days like today when I hate you […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK5dHqXCLbo
Well I just joined this site.. I read a few different stories and figured I’d write one myself.. I am 21 years old I have my own house and I live with my dog. I have severe depression issues. I find it hard to keep going through life knowing I will never amount to anything. I consider myself a decent guy I don’t get angry or violent I just kinda say or do whatever I have to to get through the day. Every day for the past 6 or 7 years I’ve thought about death. Even now I’m just thinking what is stopping me from […]
Trying not to break down but yet starting to slide into the cracks at the same time…. No one understands my pain or whats on my mind right now. Maybe this is a bad point one someone says there’s only one you because you are unique. The knife is still in my back not going in any deeper but still hanging in there leaving me numb except for those raw tears I’ve been crying of misery, pain…. Just wishing to get out of it like a butterfly leaving its cocoon. Late at night just to get a little shut eye. But even when I’m asleep […]
I’m new here everyone. I came upon this site because I was just messing around on Google searching suicide stuff and now here I am. Well first off I wanted to post a little insight on what I should with what situation I’m in right now. I live in Oklahoma, I was born in New Mexico but I moved back and forth until my mom decided that we should move here for financial reasons and because she didn’t want me going to middle school in New Mexico because of the bad influences. Anyways, I’m only 15 and I would say I have had a tough […]
I’m on Zoloft. I started when I went to the children’s part of the peninsula hospital. Is there something wrong with me? Is wanting to go back there bad? I was good for maybe a week after I left and now ever since then I’ve just wanted to go back. What else can I do. Life sucks even though any other person would love my life. Everyone talks about how perfect my life is and I’m just ‘acting’ sad and depressed for more attention. Just because my life seems perfect doesn’t mean it is. My life should be perfect. I have everything I need but […]
I remember when I first started posting here, I was lost, very depressed, and lonely. I always thought, “I am not going anywhere in life. I just want to turn 20, live on my own, and kill myself!” After being on here for a while I started to feel a bit happier, soon after I began therapy and started to fell more happy, more confident, less lonely, I started being more hopeful about the future and had plans for what I want to do. But here I am again, a few months later and I am back to being depressed, I have isolated myself and […]