I have been feeling severely depressed for the last week & a half. I think it’s a combination of things…been keeping a secret about getting back together w/ my on again off again boyfriend. Finally came out to my friends about it. They all hate him because of what he has done to me in the past. Severe betrayal that I won’t go into. One of my best friends is no longer talking to me. My other good friends dad recently died. He was like a second father to me growing up. That’s been tough. She didn’t even call me. Then I had my birthday […]
Tag:
back
There are a lot of things going on in my life and I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. I blame my mom for everything and my whole family are just judge mental. I’m never good enough for anyone or anything. The guy who recently told me he “loved me” I found out he danced with another guy at a gay club and got his number. I thought he was the one bc I love him. I think in the back of my head I knew he might be gay or bi but I don’t want to believe it. I’m scared on how […]
Hi.
I hate my life. Nothing has any use… whatever I do, It’s never good enough. Life always seems to bite me in the ass. When I think I’m happy and my life finally goes well, it just stabs me 5 times in the back….
I just don’t know what to do with myself…. This is the second time I’ve been thinking of actually killing myself.
I’ve had these thoughts many times before but I’ve only once actually tried to plan something. A few years ago something happened that made me plan out my suicide. I already wrote letters and I was going to order all the things I needed […]
NOTE: This is my personal story. Thoughts about antidepressants were from a slanted point of view of life at the time, and actually I’ve gained a little knowledge in how they actually help people. Trigger warning: this details pretty explicitly my first foray into self injury, as well as fragmented memories as they came about during this time of my life. I don’t appreciate glorifying suicide, and I intend to keep writing my experience on here as a hopeful path to something better than the urge to end it all. It’s disjointed, but it gets my point across how I want it to be.
In Vitro–2007
Ice […]
Everything has become so fucked up. I use to be so good at holding my emotions in check, tucking everything away in a forbidden portion of my psyche. That all ended tonight. I cried tonight like I have never cried before. And while it was a much needed release, it was bitter sweet.
Maybe it was the alcohol that triggered all of this. Maybe it was the insurmountable guilt that has compounded over the years. I honestly don’t know.
You see, I wish I hadn’t held these feelings in for so long. I wish I could turn back the unforgiving hands of time. I wish I told her […]
good god, what a depressing reality it must be to never grow out of the mindset that keeps you stuck like you are. I am a survivor, I am hopeful, I am powerful. I am strong enough to know, the world isn’t so bad, you need to change cities, change jobs, do something drastic, besides hurting yourself or others. You haven’t even experienced the world yet, trust me things change all the time, in 5 years things won’t be so shitty, and if they still are change something! Do something, I’ve found what helped me, was helping others, giving my love out for free knowing […]
it’s funny how i’m just a natural listener and talker. so many people are just one or the other, but i need to listen to other people so they can get their feelings and problems out and also talk about my own problems and just about dumb shit that is important to me. i wish i could just pick a side, but i can’t. i listened as my roommate talked to me about her concerns about her academics and her friends back home which I thought was nice. i tried to be as responsive as possible so that it would seem more like a conversation, […]
I’ve tried to not give up and started living again, but I come back to my dark side. Fuck this, fuck all of this, it’s not gonna get better, no signs of improvement are showing. I’m destined to be alone and a failure, everybody ignores or leaves me and I’m gonna be a fuck up, I have no hopes, no dreams,they all died along time ago, why am I even pushing further, when I don’t have the will or effort to even do it. Enough is enough, I’m gonna kill myself.
morning folks, here we go again. the overwhelming urge to end it has passed, finally. and im back to sort of functioning again.still have all the problems though. no job, facing eviction, no food. why kill myself quickly and comfortably when all i have to do is wait and slowly die of malnutrition and hypothermia? oh well, guess meathod dont matter if the results are the same. i have learned some things this past week that i didnt know before. #1- this website- wow, wish i had found this long ago. reading the posts is like reading my story. #2-feelings- surprise, surprise. who knew. i […]
I am one of those hero-to-zero types, and I cannot bear the disappointment and shame I’ve put on my family. I wake up every morning wondering why I am not dead. If I wake up at kike 3 in the morning, I get hit by a tsunami of sadness, because I only have 2 hours before I face the world. Face the ones I have disappointed.
God, 1 year ago, I would have laughed at myself for being so emo. I can’t laugh now.
My father is so disappointed in me; it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know what I’m doing writing this here…I haven’t told anyone, […]
I’m comfortable with sadness. I wonder if my life will always be like this. I wear sadness like I wear a shirt, always with me. I want to be happy, but happy is unfamiliar. How is it that sadness has become my comfort, my home? If I reach out my hands, happiness is just in reach. But I cling to the darkness because it is familiar. I don’t think I deserve to be happy. Its like when I personally take 2 steps forward my home life knocks me back10 steps. So I’m back to the beginning again, back to feeling worthless and stupid and ugly.
I wish I could go back 11 years a go and be 5 years old again. I use just to play and not have any problems and in that time if I cries the reason will be my doll is broken or I was playing and I fall down even school we use to learn how to color and cut a picture and all our friends in 5 years old were the true because they were still young and they are not wild. we use to be scared of darkness and monsters but when we grew up when you there are many things that […]
Believing in Jesus ultimately helped me. Not too long ago I was very suicidal and broke down. I prayed to God and asked him to help me. The next morning the morning news aired a story about TMS to treat depression. Soon after that I attempted to partake in a medical study that offers TMS for depression. I was screened out of the study which disappointed me and I never got the treatment that I cannot afford. Before the treatment I had to get off 2 medications I was taking to treat my depression. It made my condition worse. When I was screened out I […]
Welcome to your life
There’s no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on mother nature
Everybody wants to rule the world
It’s my own design
It’s my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
There’s a room where the light won’t find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I’ll be right behind you
In a couple days I will turn 21 and when I do I’ll have fresh cuts on my body. I can’t help but look back on the long list of failures In my life. Yesterday at a fast food place strangers at the table next to me were laughing at me and I heard them say “he looks like the hunch back of Notre dam” and I cut myself a lot over that. On my birthday I have to see and know there are dozens of fresh cuts and old scars.
There isn’t enough time in the world to go into depth of how much I […]
I am getting closer and closer to the end now. I have already scouted the location. Its very high and easy to access. There are no fences or anything to prevent me from jumping, which is odd because i wouldn’t be the first one to commit suicide at that spot. At the bottom there is concrete. I will try to hit it head first. Should be the fastest way to go.
I have put my affairs into order as best i can. I have written a suicide note. I will probably do it this week. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow night. Seems almost inevitable now.
There are a […]
Every day it gets worse and worse, not quickly though… slow, like an hour glass that seems to never end but it does, just so slowly that it seems like it never changes.
Some days I don’t think of it too much, other days are a nightmare and other days at it’s worst i cut. When I’m alone its at it’s worst and yet when I’m alone is the only time I don’t feel alone… if that makes sense, its like when I’m around other people I feel more alone than ever because no one understands, no one wants to know or care and I don’t […]
I always wanted to kill myself ever since my dad got lung cancer and passed when I was 10. But the thoughts of suicide got worse when I started to get bullied in school at 11. Every year it got worse and worse. I started to cut myself and snap rubber bands on my wrist till they bled. I never felt good enough for anybody. I always felt out of place. I’m twenty now and working. But I began to get bullied there too for being skinny. Its not just the bullying that bothers me, its being single and lonely. I’ve been used […]
Lately I have been thinking, I am not the person I used to be. The fact that I can’t get it out of my head makes me so fucking sad. I think back at the person I used to be and now that things have changed… Many, many things have changed. It makes me so mad and depressed about it. It sucks too because I just want to not think about it. But they won’t leave. I can’t think of any way to stop thinking than to just “stop existing.” Because why else should I even be here, if I am just going to keep […]
I know in the back of my mind it won’t help but it’ll at least help me forget.
or give me the confidence to finally kill myself. I need to feel less guilty. Then I’ll finally do it.