Just walked in thinking everyone thinks im shit (which they do). Its better then walkong in all happy, and excited thinking im just going to be nice and maby make some friends. But insted they are just fake to me and talk shit about me behind my back. This way they cant hurt me worse then i hurt myself. ? Is it bad that this makes me calm.
Tag:
bad
What makes me really suicidal and want to give up is that fact that I have sooo many issues. If I just had one or two then they would be manageable but there is so many battles that must be won, only to have another one appear and I have to try again.
I dont think Im that strong, if I could win them I gladly would, I dont have the capacity and looking at life realistically tells me that I never will.
How can I overcome my social phobia, my addictive behavior, my fear of success and performance issues, my inferiority complex, my bad memory, my […]
Because I’m disabled and my allowance is very small, I have been on Medicaid. This has made my prescriptions affordable, and I’ve been very grateful for the help.
But something happened yesterday; when I got the notification that my prescription was ready to pick up, it gave a cost which was WAY too expensive.
It’s as if they cancelled my Medicaid for some reason. This is a giant problem, since I can’t afford any of my medication without it.
I only have four pills left, and then will have to abruptly stop everything.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, my right leg brace broke tonight, and I can’t afford […]
The past couple of days have been really good for me.
I’ve been hanging out with some childhood friends again and surrounding myself with great people.
I’ve been trying not to put myself down as much, and if i catch myself doing so then i try to focus on something else like music.
I’ve been training for my new job. I’m excited. It’s going to be better than what i thought.
I’m just trying to look on the bright side of life. I spend too much time being pessimistic. And life is wasted if the only thing you do is feeling pessimistic.
I know i’ll have bad days […]
I saw someone I know today that I hadn’t seen for a few years and they are and have been going through a much worse time than me.
They asked me how I had been and I lied and said ok because I felt guilty for feeling bad when their pain is so much greater than mine.
So now I feel sad for them, sad for my pathetic self that cannot handle things and angry that life is so cruel to so many people.
I can’t put the knife down.
I need a reason to live. Someone give me a reason to live!!
I love my mother. I love her so much, I don’t ever want to hurt her. My family is the only reason keeping me alive. But right now, I don’t really care about that. I’m too blinded by the pain, I just can’t take it anymore. I want to die so bad.
Cutting has gone this far. The pain doesn’t want to go away anymore. My heart is so heavy.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I saw my therapist yesterday. Surprisingly I opened up to her a lot about the voices (she knows about the other set which aren’t the Angels). The Angels weren’t there, so I wasn’t as nervous as I usually am in my sessions.
She did the number scales with me again. 0-10 on how likely I am to listen to the voices. The first was how likely I am to hurt myself because of them, I said 5 (it’s really a 8 or 9), but she was happy with that. And the other was how likely I am to hurt others because of […]
So I decided this time I was going to talk to my family about my being down the hill. I can’t remember why, it sounds selfish, but then no one may say I didn’t try it all…
My family is a mess. I grew up watching my mother crying in desperation almost every day because of her feeling lonely and impotent and not knowing how she was going to make it with so many kids (4). But we weren’t supposed to acknowledge knowing she was crying. I don’t remember what I though about it, but I remember it felt really bad. I remember that by then […]
Day by day I feel like a sand clock seen the day pass by so slow that I can’t even breath.
Since my grandoarents died I feel so empty that I can’t fight anymore I’m sick and I hate all the treatments. My mother day by day tell how much she love’s my brother and that she doesn’t expect anything from me. I hate these pain that I just want to die.
At the university I met my husband he is my best friend he wanted to take care of me so we married on august 20, 2015 on the civil court but he never touch me […]
Ghosts in the photograph
never lie’d to me.
I’d be all of that
I’d be all of that.
A false memory
would be everything.
A denial my eliminent.
What was that for?
What was that for?
What would you do
if you saw spaceships
over Glasgow?
Would you fear them?
Every aircraft,
every camera,
is a wish that
wasn’t granted.
What was that for?
What was that for?
Try to be bad.
Try to be bad.?
Maogwai.
I am fairly certain about my misery and my mental illness. I know I can’t be cured. Well most of the mental diseases can’t be cured. Even doctor said that it can be manageable. Manageable not cured. Fuck manageable. I am tired of this shit. All the time living in fear that I am gonna collapse now. I am gonna freak out now in public and What to say about the demons. Thankfully they are at rest now. Even without them life is so miserable. I wish them to wake up now. So I can end this pathetic miserable life.
Every fucking day/ at some point/after […]
Depression is usually caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. My depression is often triggered by negative thoughts. When I have a bad ride or receive a low grade on an assignment/test, I often begin to think of myself as a failure. I have been working on this with my psychologist. Instead of saying I should have done something, I try to apply to the future. For example, I will spend more time studying a specific chapter or section or I will work on keeping my horse’s attention. This way, I’m not beating myself up for the mistakes I have made. Instead, I’m learning from those […]
My arms and wrists itch and burn. I relapsed bad last night. Can you even call it a relapse if you never tried to stop in the first place? I took pills, too. I can’t stop taking them – both in large quantities and small. I think I’m getting addicted. I’m ill. Everything hurts. And I’m stuck I college. Class starts in 7 minutes, and I feel awful. Despite the pills, and how many I took, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just needed the pills. I needed to get rid of the pain, and I couldn’t cut at that exact time. Surprisingly, my […]
I tried to kill myself last Tuesday. I don’t remember anything except waking up in the hospital. This was my third attempt. How do I keep surviving? I pray so much that my prayers are me actually begging God to help me. Still no answers. Am I here to be punished? People speak of a hell after we die. Does it really exist or is this really hell and there is nothing after this. I want to believe so bad there is something good after this hell i’m in on this earth.
I get this strong sensation quite often. An emptiness of positivism, a desperation, and a need to hide and stop thinking and feeling. Several things trigger it. But very few can make it disappear, and those are never the same. Like if the damaged part of me is always defeating the one that is trying to feel better. Little victories that wont sum up. You see, it’s as if I wanted the damaged part to win, but then I don’t know where the other one comes from. So the reality is the fighting one is stronger than I thought. But this battle is taking away […]
In this moment i wish i could die. So all the pain and memories of pain could disappear. So id never feel all the anger and hatred and my needless existence could disappear. Im sick of seeing triggers everywhere. Im sick of society at large. Im sick of having little self worth. Im sick of being different. Honestly im only still here because i failed at suicide hundreds of times. Im alone and uneccesary. But that said im not going to attempt. Im going to get up and go to the gym and continue to do the best i can do. There is a part […]
I am tired of everything. Tired of going to school everyday and have bad grades because I can’t focus. Tired of making efforts to have friends and in the end being alone again, tired of trying, tired of keep going, tired. I am tired of living, breading, eating, sleeping and being tired.
They say it’s because I am shy that I don’t have friends, well I try and yet the exclude me. I try to talk but or it goes wrong or they talk over me or I am just ignored. And I can be like one month without talking to anyone that nobody searches for me […]
They say it gets better and I want to believe that. I have fought with depression for so many years I hardly remember before I had it anymore. Yes there are times when I dont feel like blowing my head off. But time after time the feeling comes back. It seems to be my brains “go to” thought whenever Im even the slightest bit upset. I have tried depression medication…. Many kinds…. But they dont seem to do anything for me but make me a tired zombie. I stopped trying to find one that works about 8 years ago.
My husband cant grasp why I feel […]
Lately I’ve been having medical issues. Serious, taxing, stressful medical issues. Issues that my mom, who works with a doctor, could clear up. She could tell me what the hell is going on but she chooses not to. I see a specialist tomorrow. Ever since I got my bloodwork results back, I’ve been stressed and anxious. Well, moreso than usual. These two things make it harder for me to focus, making my already difficult high school courses even harder. This quarter we talked about suicide in Health, and that’s the first time I’ve ever shown a serious emotion in school. I had a breakdown. I […]