I was active on this site for a while beginning last fall, but haven’t been here in a couple of months or so. Quite a bit has happened since then, mostly on the job front. I left my workplace of eight years during the first week of April and things have been a bit of a whirlwind. People who have read my previous posts or spoke with me in the past may remember that my job was a large source of my unhappiness. I’m now working somewhere else and it’s a better job per se, but there are plusses and minuses. Strange as it is, I’ve found myself […]
The decision to keep going for the hope of a better life even though I have been hopeless for multiple years and staying for the only 2 people that have ever cared about me in my life (my parents) or to be selfish and just enter peace where I end the years of suffering every single second of my life where I am not sleeping. I am tired of crying and just want peace. Decisions, decisions. A decision that will mean life or death.
I’ve had an okay life, better than some worse than others I guess. Thirteen years of confusion, pain, anxiety, love, depression, loneliness, among many other emotions. Even from the start though I never saw the point in living, my first thought of suicide at the age of four; they weren’t too serious though, I was just wondering I guess. After that I didn’t really think much about suicide for a few years (I’m pretty sure), the next time was probably just occasionally during grades 4, 5 and 6 when I was getting bullied by people at school and persistently beaten up by my brother when […]
This is the crap in my head. It will probably never go out to anyone but maybe if I post it here it will help me.
I cheated on my boyfriend with my supervisor. After being with him for 10 years and begging him for marriage and kids, after he broke up with me twice I cheated on him. Through the years everytime I felt neglected or ignored i’d get depressed and flirt with guys around me. I never actually liked, was attracted to or gave a shit about these people but the attention was like a drug a quick hit to make me feel better. […]
How do I do this? How do I say the things I want to? My whole life I’ve been told I come second- to everyone and everything else. Not even second, dead last.
I’ll never be good enough for anyone, no matter what.
I’m just a mistake. A failure. I’ve tried so hard, but I’ll never make it. I’m too lazy and stupid and selfish and stubborn.
I’m not a good person, at least not anymore.
People might have called me kind once upon a time, but that’s long since been replaced by ‘cruel’ and ‘arrogant’.
Heck, I […]
I’m here for the same reason most everyone is, I’ve given up and I thought suicide was the only way out. Just a few days ago I posted something, but since then I’ve done some thinking. If suicide is the only way to find peace, then why have we held on for so long? It’s not because we love the pain we are in, it’s because one day we hope we wake up and hope the world will treat us better. It might also be because we know if we go we will be hurting our friends and family. Things may never get much better, […]
I feel like I always fall short no matter what. Skills? Nope, so and so is better at this and so and so is better at that. I have nothing that I excel at. I’ve tried to meet my parent’s excpectations for 12 years. All my hope is dripping away slowly everyday. No body needs me. My family has my perfect little brother, my friends have their friends. After all, I’m just a tiny speck out of a few billion people. I don’t feel like anybody cares about me, but then I could be mistaken. So far, the only reason that’s kept me alive is […]
Man, I feel like I for once was right about something. This website is already proving amazing. My previous vent helped me through the day, and upon logging on again and seeing a couple encouraging comments, I feel I can fully breathe again. Well, at least for today.
Tomorrow is a different story, but we’ll talk about and deal with that when we get there. Seriously though, this website is my new go-to place. I’ve kept diaries in the past, but my older sister snoops through them and at times would have the nerve to leave comments she believed encouraging. On the contrary, they were quite […]
Everyone I know left…those who don’t will eventually do…everyone does…everyone leaves eventually it’s just a matter of time before they get tired of telling you that you’re going to be better or even things will be alright…they can’t stand being with someone who lost too much in their life…they can’t stand knowing that words are just not enough to help someone like mesk…so one who is broke into a million piepieces and having the broken pieces shattered by those who I thought wouldn’t leave…in the end all you can think of is that all of them are better without you…because just face the fact…in that […]
I went to doctors yesterday and have gota mild eating disorder because I have a fear of gaining weight 🙁 it’s kinda hard cause I also have depression and get a lot of thoughts and everyday is hard. Social worker contacted me yesterday saying if I was safe and I feel the doctor has told them stuff I told them all my levels of trust have gone 🙁 I feel major down and I’m in pain a lot with my back and have cluster headaches a lot too I am also anemic so I bruise easily and I’m quite pale. I have about two friends […]
Hey I’ve decided the plan of killing myself on the 25th is not going ahead. In my other post I talked a lot about a guy who I lost only to find out that he got with another girl 2 days after we broke up.. I was sad about it and it made me think that he couldn’t of loved me that much :/ it would of been a year I was with him but hes moved on and I’m kinda happy for him because hes happy.. I have this guy friend who’s like my bestfriend he has been there for me a lot through […]
I’m pretty sure I listen to it at least 5 times a day. A while ago I could say whatever I wanted to say, now I can’t find the words for anything. This song though, the lyrics describe my current state better than I can. And now I’m going to stop typing before this turns into a rant.
I am sick and tired of it all.
The only thing that is sort of positive is that I’ve been organizing and getting rid of junk that has accumulated over my lifetime.
I pulled out the pictures of me, but I got rid of school yearbooks. Some I torched, some I put in the trash. Didn’t even bother recycling them.
I have a bible, still kept it in a box with a bunch of other books, but I don’t really give it much weight anymore. I’ll probably get rid of it in a couple of days as part of the whole process.
There are some things that are still […]
I think it’s healing. It looks somewhat better than when I first got it. Btw, It’s been covered up the whole time. I put band-aids on it so it doesn’t get infected or just so it can heal faster. I don’t know. I don’t want people to start asking dumb questions.
I thought I was getting better. I’m fighting so hard. I’m on meds now but all I feel is sick and spacey. Why can’t I find the strength to end my life? I’m so lost.
Sometimes when I mentally torture myself I actually feel God but right now it’s torture because I’m at the exact theatre where I watched a movie with the love of my life. And it was a he. I’m depressed sad angry. Idk anymore. If I died I’d be happy hopefully a better life afterwards. Sometimes I wanna die so bad sometimes I think an think what I could’ve done better. I have a plan that will put me in a place where I can no longer hurt anyone. There’s no God no Jesus Christ. Only a devil who lives to torture us. I’ve revoked my […]
I woke up in a better mood than usual today, and I can’t tell if that’s good or not. Like the calm before the storm of something like that. I hope it’s not. I want it to just be over.
Anyway, I just wanted to post that it was a good day and I finally started my short story. It turned out to be easier than I thought once I got the ball rolling. It still isn’t really a coherent story just yet, more like a bunch of scenes that I finally typed up. But I’m working on it. Wish me luck.
I told myself I wasn’t going to post here until I started my short story, but I found an old journal of mine and felt like I should post anyway. I was flipping through it and I was kind of startled at how much I wanted to die. Not because I’m better, but because I have made absolutely no progress. If anything, I’ve gotten worse. I’m more isolated now. I feel things less. I’ve lost any bit of hope I had before.
Damn, usually when I see these types of things, people always say how much better they are, and I’m jealous. I don’t want to […]
God is boring . boring God .
why human’s imagination & fantasy is better than God boring reality ?
why God is boring ?
I hate this world . I hate this life . I hate life .
This world is so boring , boring world !
This life is so boring , boring life ! life is boring .
Why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, […]
today, I was suppose to go out looking for community service hours but no dice. everything I’ve been doing to better myself keeps backfiring some way. I don’t know how much longer I’ll have before I blow up mentally. there’s just so much a person can take before being pushed so hard… that they don’t even have the will to live anymore.