Well, they wanted to throw me into the bin. Can’t blame ’em. I think it’s in the psycho protocol that when a patient tells you he’s gonna do this three days from now, you’ve got to report him. Of course, I was talking bullshit. I know nothing will happen on Wednesday. It will be like any other day, at least, on the surface. No one in my house will overdose on pinkies on Wednesday. Only on fucking blues.
Tag:
blame
Is there really light at the end of the tunnel, or do our eyes just adjust to the darkness?
by Cheshire
written by Cheshire
I’m fairly certain I come from a long line of diagnosed and un-diagnosed mental illness. My maternal great-grandmother committed suicide when my grandmother was eleven. Unfortunately, I never really took the time to ask my grandmother how it effected her as a child and an adult, and now she’s recently passed. I have been diagnosed as bipolar by two psychiatrists, but when I returned to one of those doctors recently after a couple years gap, she seems to be rethinking that diagnosis. I’m not seeing a professional right now because I have a hard time justifying spending $50 to see the therapist every week, plus […]
Got a new antidepressant. Trazodone, starting with 50 mg = one pill.
Feel like reading a book? Forget about it, you’re tired as hell.
Feel like going to sleep? Forget about it, you’ll end up gazing at the ceiling.
Feel like having sex? Forget about it. You can’t come.
Plus migraines, headaches (which are actually mild migraines, I think), I have the need to piss too many times a day. And dizziness, fucking dizziness.
So yeah, professor, I think I am getting well. That’s fucking helping.
Note: I wrote the above out of pure rage and I know that the professor is not to blame. It also may […]
Maybe no one cares, and i really wouldn’t blame you.
its not like i have some sad story, a problem people can pitty me with. no.. i have never seen some of the troubles alot of other people have.
but its not pitty that i want either. more of a understanding from the people around. an explanation for why i always wear long sleeves, even in 100 degree weather.
why i NEVER want to hang out, because i dont have the motivation, and would rather be in my room sleeping all day.
I want to tell my mom so bad, but every time i bring up the subjects she […]
Many people blame us for not letting them in.they blame us for us being alone.they say how are they suppose to know if we’re sad or happy or mad if we never open up.im tired of hearing it.to all you who dont understand.WE CANT.even if we wanted to.we wouldnt be able to.its not that easy dammit.instead of blaming us for us being alone.why cant they look deeper.if you look close enough…you’ll see so much more.pay attention and you’ll see our true feelings.look deeper and you’ll see…
It’s 4:am.
countless cigarett and broken thoughts, and here I am again. Awake in the dead of night, alone in the darkness. It’s quite scary actually, the things you can get used to. My thoughts are running wild…my thoughts are running deep. I can never run away from the way I truly feel. The days are okay, I just run on rutin. Breath in, breath out, go to school, eat,drink, speak. Life is just a habit, I just do the things I need to do. Don’t think. Don’t feel. I’m shut down. I’m disconnected. My life is my rutin. It’s weird how little remains of me.
I […]
The king is dead
Once apon a time, he walked the streets a king
Happy,proud
safe and sound
Life was a joy
His home was his heart
He loved so much
No hatred in his thoughts
He was happy in his home
He was living his dream
Now life’s got him down
Chained through his knees
No turning back
He’s to tied to this place
Stuck
Roaming the same streets
No crown on his head;
The king is dead
Responsibilities like cement to his back
Never ending nights and no one’s up late
The world he once loved
Have turned him it’s back
The days are the same
Through his […]
I feel so empty
No, thats a lie
My thoughts fill me
spilling from my mind
Is everything a lie
Will I ever get the truth
Wasting away my time
Trying to help you
Im the one to blame
I saw it flash before my eyes
Visions of this happening
Before it came in time
Please just take my life!
I need to dissapear!
Im not comfortable in my own skin
I need to get out of here…
Watch as the bloods spills
Razorblades been stained
Take some more pills
Quiet the pain
You know how sometime you wake up thinking for once it might actually be a decent day maybe even a good day. You have that unusual glimmer of hope. I got about 30 seconds of that. Most of my friends would say “its no big deal. So what your mom and her boyfriend got in a fight.” Back when i was little my parents fought all the time you’d think i’d be used to it. Especially the way my dad was. Strong with an uncontrollable temper and a jealous mind. In all honest that just makes it all worse. I wasn’t exactly “planned.” Im the […]
every single time someone looked me in the eyes and asked me why I couldn’t do it, I would tell them it was because of you. I couldn’t imagine putting you through that. I never wanted you to have to worry about me. I was suppose to take care of you, I was suppose to be the one burying you, in many, many years. but here I am, the rope already tied. I’m going to use the chair I’m sitting on, it’s from the kitchen table I hope you don’t mind.
don’t blame yourself because you did everything you could. and please don’t mourn because we […]
As I walk through life I imagine it’s one big knife. At any second I can slip and watch my life end. I can imagine the pain I would cause if I went, but I can only blame myself. I try my hardest to get it out of my mind but there’s always that one thing that puts me on the edge. That one person who pushes things to far. That one person who makes the pain not look as bad. That’s why they say time heals all wounds but sometimes the cut is just too deep.
I have not yet accepted my defeat. I shall complete myself, whatever it takes. in my this journey yet i have explored many forbidden zones. the deeper i go the more forbidden zones lose their holiness/untouchability. and a mere touch of me crumbles their whole fortress that they created in thousands or millions of years. And now i shall move one more step. Once social connectedness preserved the species and it was called the highest good. But what is species preservation to me? My suffering has paid all my debts and i owe nothing to nobody. Tell me, what makes another person more worthy to you than […]
So I know I have been posting things like this a lot lately. But yesterday I finally pushed the one person that was really holding me around. I told her that we can’t be friends anymore or can’t date or nothing. I know a lot of you will say why would you push someone away like this or do something like that. Well I don’t want her to take blame for if or when I do this. I don’t want her to hold the fault for the rest of her life. Cuz it’s not her fault and she should never take the blame. And I […]
Well I feel today is the day I end my life. I just got rid of a person out of my life who was there but wasn’t much anymore. I made a promise awhile ago that I wouldn’t do anything to myself. Well I got rid of her out of my life that way she wouldn’t blame herself for this. So I feel it’s time I end it today. Thank you everyone for all the help and support
She speaks to me
All the things I want to hear
In an angels voice, too soft to be real
Amazing grace, from times that stand still
In my mind
Can I keep this for all time, she asked, when I said yes
And she claimed..
Then again..then again, there might be something more. And I can’t only stop and stand. I have to leave the life I know.
I cried out for heaven’s hold. Please take me away, oh lord. I’m ready, willing. These days grow old. A breeze pushed me over. I looked up to god in vein..and said..
Then again…then again, it’s […]
I changed my mind.
It’s the worst feeling in the world being blamed by your own mother for her stress. It hurts what doesn’t she think i have things going on to. That maybe i hide it so i don’t cause her more pain than i already have. Does she not think that maybe i just want a hug and to know that i can talk to her not just the blame every time i do something slightly wrong in her opinion.
I love you truly do deep down I just try my best not to feel it anymore. I know that we messed up equally that neither of us is solely to blame for this disaster. But I feel like I could have been better, tried harder, supported you more. I didn’t mind hurting myself or loosing myself but loosing you the idea of hurting you it kills me. Because I can accept failure in any other aspect of life just not with you. So to be honest I’m not ok, I’m not happy, I lied about everything that I’ve said. I do want you still, […]
Living hurts. The people who used to make me happy now tear away at my sanity, even without meaning to. I watch tons of porn daily, and whenever I go a day without porn I spend it being a lazy fuck. HOW DID I EARN THIS LIFE? HUH? ANSWER ME DAMMIT!!!! It’s like death is a release even if I do go to hell I’ll at least know why. I go to a therapist, take happy pills, and fantasize about me dying. I like to think that I’ll die quickly but brutally so I’ll go out in kick ass way. I pray every day […]
Just thought I’d poll thoughts about this.
No note could create legal problems for others (i.e., wondering whether someone had a poisoning motive). The absence of a note may leave others wondering, which may be good or bad.
Leaving a note may be a means of providing reassurance or useful instructions. (I’m not talking about the kind of note designed to blame and hurt others.)
Thoughts?