I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I want to die, truly I do. I dream of plunging a knife into my gut and slipping into ethereal darkness. My brain delights in torturing me and I just don’t want to go on like this. I’m trying to help myself, but I am relapsing. My friends wouldn’t be able to help me, and I tend to think none of them would understand where I come from. My friend made a comment about overdosing on pills and a someone she hated, and I said ‘it’s not easy.’ A hint into my hidden past. She just called […]
Tag:
Brain
May 8, 2013
Today is the day that the (I guess you can call it “my”) story is written.
Now i’m 19 years old. My body a nest for scars and memories that should have been long forgotten. Not all scars have stayed with me, and i hope that one day i’ll be free from them all. The sad reality of it is that some of those scars will never leave my skin, and always be a reminder of what i have done. It’s been mere days shy of 6 months without cutting myself for the relief that i have so desperately wanted during this time. The […]
i don’t even know why i’m on here. it’s not like people want to know about me anyways, but ohkay. i’m cat and i turn 15 in november. i’ve been suffering with OCD, depression, anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). the body dysmorphic disorder is the worst because i got homeschooled because of it. i would sit there and stare at myself for hours and cry when i should be getting ready. i would punch myself in the face or wrists and pull my hair or skin. i started out just being constantly late to school, but now i’m so afraid of people seeing me […]
Where does depression come from? Is it an imbalance in the brain or is just our imagination filtered through our past, present or our future?
Every day I wake up wishing that I hadn’t.
I’m always tired. That fatigue I feel cannot be cured by a good nights sleep or a nap. Sometimes I feel that it will only ever truly be satisfied by death. Does anyone know what that’s like?
To wake up every morning sick to your stomach because you’re alive?
But-I try to bribe myself out of bed. I know that I have to keep myself busy-constantly run my brain because if I stop-those thoughts will catch up with me. I desperately try to find solace in the world. Feel the warmth of the sun, watch funny YouTube videos, draw…Â but it’s like trying […]
I’m pretty sure I am mentally ill. I can’t explain exactly how I feel other than it hurts all the time. I’m just losing my mind. My wife of 11 years left me and I don’t know how to keep going. I know that I’m supposed to want to live for my kids but I can’t help feeling that they would be better off without me. Â I have been made out to be a horrible person, and maybe I am. Â I don’t know how to deal with how I feel and she didn’t either which is why we are apart. Â I just don’t see the […]
I’m scared of life. I think about the countless number of days ahead of me and I feel trapped. Trapped living. Trapped in my mind. I feel insane. I’m dying to get out. Dying to be free. I wish it it was all over. I wish I had the choice to end it all. Why don’t I have the choice? It’s my life. I’m the one who has to live it. I don’t want to live just because everyone else thinks that I’m sick. YEAH I am sick. But I’ve been sick and it’s not getting better. Why the fuck can’t I just die. This […]
Actually I don’t want to know why. I don’t want to know why I feel the way I do. I don’t want to understand my depression. I just want it all to be gone. Suicide, for me, is unrealistic. Only because I don’t have the guts and I’m just too afraid of the pain. I constantly tell this to myself because I know it’s true that I won’t kill myself. But I want to, I just can’t. I’m trying to stay in the present, and I’m trying to think about now and not about the future and not about the past. But the past and […]
I am 17… And I completely hate my self … I hate the fact that I am black , that that I am female that I am tall…. That my mind is the most perverted thing in the world…. But I am so loney… I am not looking for sex just some one who I dont have to talk to, some one who gets me completely… Who shares the same view point of the world… I have a best friend and others friends but I can’t get my self to actually care about them … If they died today I wouldn’t even care….I had this […]
i’ve began cutting again .. it seems when the blood runs all my depression washes away with it. the open wound is like my soul beginning to glow shinning bright to destroy all the darkness. But the darkness still lingers, in my mind. Forever trapped, like a maze turning into every dead end. Searching. Looking. Finding my light that brings me out of this horrific nightmare. I feel like my mind has put walls up all around my thinking. I can’t think too much anymore as my brain begins to hurt and spin. The walls only fall down at night when i wish to sleep. […]
I’m dead. I don’t seem dead, I can breathe and taste food and smell flowers, and I don’t look dead but I AM DEAD. My mind has turned into decay, bit by bit it’s crumbling to dust. A lunatic lives inside here, a scavenger that feeds upon my decaying soul.
I look in the mirror and I don’t see my silhouette anymore, all I see is this thing that’s consuming me and my shadow behind it like a forgotten whisper of who I was once upon a time. I’ve shredded everything that has made me once me, my faith and my imagination are gone and […]
All day long its the same thing. The same boring classes, the same horrible people, the same note plastered on my locker. “DORK”. The same 2-3 hours sitting all alone at home, the same rest of the day being yelled at and being told to shut up when I try to start a pleasant conversation. The same insomnia, trying desperately to fall asleep but my brain wont shut the fuck up, the same exhaustion I feel when I finally shut off my alarm the next morning. Im so tired of this, Im exhausted and bored. I think Im finally done.
Hello. This is my first post here. IÂ don’t really know why I’m writing this. I guess I just want to spill it out. May be it will help me to cope with my feelings.
I feel so angry at myself for complaining about my life. I mean look at the world around us. People are dying from hunger, from war, from diseases, from cancer….and here I am. Safe and sound…well…for now…
I’m almost 18. Feel like 12 years old to be honest. How did I even get that old. So fast.
I dont have anything to hold on to. Relationship with my family is…how can i put it…not the one […]
A close friend of mine did something similar to this on his page so I decided to try it too. The difference is I guess my suicidal thoughts and low self esteem started long before online friends or dating.
I grew up in a family of eight plus. We did foster care for two kids so there was sometimes an extra girl in the house. I was always biologically the oldest though. If you’ve grown up in a big family, then you probably understand where I’m coming from when I say it’s like survival of the fittest. And when the three oldest siblings are you […]
It’s an oxymoron; I know. Because by definition a suicide note is representative of something horrible, and the word perfect means lacking in flaws or defects: so you really cannot have a perfect suicide, can you? I don’t know if it’s possible or not. But I want to come as close as I can. My name is Rachel. I am seventeen years old. Some might say I have my whole life ahead of me, but one day really soon, I am going to commit suicide. What follows is a draft of my suicide note. Read it. Comment. Help me make it perfect.
If you are reading this, […]
Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why do I put on a mask and hide my emotions? I can almost feel a curtain come down, blocking my soul from whoever may be there.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck,trapped oddly enough by my family. My husband has too much at work, and I don’t know how my kids would handle me having a second stay in the hospital in one year. That’s why the permanent solution keeps rolling around in my brain. Just be done with all of this. There’s a […]
Whether that be through a botched surgery or adverse effect to a medication? Â For me personally my life was ruined by my dentist who removed my mercury fillings without using proper precautions and exposed me to a shitload of mercury and basically destroyed my brain. Â I then got tested for my mercury levels but for some reason they showed up at “normal” levels whatever that means. Â I know I’m poisoned though so psychologists/psychiatrists called me delusional and gave me the diagnosis of schizophrenia. Â My life is over and has been for quite some time. Â Is this all there is to life?
Waking up–that’s the hardest thing for me to do. I find myself tired all of the time. It’s not so much that I am physically tired as it is that I am mentally tired, and my brain transmits the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and restlessness to the rest of my body. My dreams are a blur… images of things that I can’t get to make sense, my meaningless days played back and forth for my mind to review. Scenes for my brain to recount so it can ask itself, “What went wrong?” and “How the hell did we end up here?” Sleep is supposed to […]
Doctors tend to ask if you are suicidal. I’m not. I accepted a while ago that I could not bring myself to do anything that intentionally hurt the people I love. Since I first wrote this sentence down, a close friend of mine took his own life. Before this, I had begun to feel increasingly like my desire not to be here anymore was beginning to outweigh my desire not to break my family’s hearts. Because, much as I don’t see the appeal, I have to admit that it would. I struggled, in the wake of my friend’s suicide, to understand how I felt about […]
I can’t  cry. I can’t read. I can’t write. I can only think. What am I? A mute? A social deficit defiling the medium? I don’t want to talk about it, because then it doesn’t mean as much. I can only keep myself moving.. barely. Going through the motions. Why must the motions take so much away from everyone around me? Why must I have problems with eatting? Why can’t I be beautiful and healthy? Why is there no normal to be attained? I even put on our song to evoke the rolling storm, but the tears never came. They did the exact opposite actually. […]