I think there’s such a thing as bastardized insanity. An insanity that you have no ownership of but it follows you around like a helpless stray dog panting for you to feed the pitiful thing. We all know what that’s like. Well, I do anyway. It’s something of a ball and chain. Forever fettered to this gargantuan weight pulling you down to an insecure comfort — walk the plank with your own personal anchor. The travails of purgatory begging to be acknowledged when all you desperately seek is one breath. One measly breath above the undertow. The heart of the sea, indeed, when water is […]
I’m sitting here in the living room, next to my mom and listening to her struggle to breathe. She has ALS, and for those who do not know, it is always fatal. Always. In the end, people who have it usually have to be on a respirator if they want to live. She won’t do it. So she just sits here and can’t breathe.
I can’t take any fucking more of this. I know damn good and well she will not be here next year at this time. At the rate she is going, she will likely not make it to xmas.
I am broken, aching, exhausted […]
Earlier in the day, my counselor mentioned something about “learned optimism” which I don’t comprehend. I don’t think being optimistic will benefit me when it is counterproductive to my desire. The thing I desire the most is sleep that will last forever; simply because I find living to be too troublesome. So, what reason is there for a man who cares not of human desires nor of universal events to breathe? In a world that shuns inactivity, happiness is only a delusion for people like me. I pray there is no one like me in the whole, entire world since this is a fate far […]
I can’t breathe, I want to scratch, claw, rub my skin but I cannot. I’m starting to crack open and the uglyness is starting to shine through. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep together this facade of normalcy. I’m breaking down in tears and lashing out at people around me, throwing things, wrecking things.
I’m trying to keep things smooth and yet I’m not sure how much longer I can possibly stay here on this God-forsaken planet when everything inside me is falling apart.
And yet I’m trying to take deep breaths, trying to breathe, trying to hold on to any hint of rationale. Impulsivity breeds […]
I’m not thinking rationally right now…the thing about being bi polar is it all hits you so hard so fast and you cant get away from whatever emotion is running you over and all i want to do is breathe help me please im drowning in me… I want to die please tell me no please tell me no its buring a hole in me i dont want this anymore please please please
I’ve come here as a man in shambles
Worn out from begging on my knees
Please, I’m just trying to keep my family together
Now, when you saw your lover wore a ring around her finger
Why didn’t you stop
I have half a mind to make you hurt
To make you bleed, to make you suffer
I swear if you’ve touched her
Oh, heaven forgive what I would do to you
You monster
Think about your children
They’ll never believe what you’ve done
Listen, I am begging you, back off
Let me rebuild the things you’ve shattered
She meant it
I swear that she […]
Is there ever a day that can go by without this desire? I have been this way for close to a quarter of a century….that I remember. I swallowed many sleeping pills in April of 1992. Oops, I’m still alive.
Suicide is selfish. It is crushing. People say it’s being weak. Well, that’s because life is too heavy and it’s too exhausting to carry it anymore. My burden is not your burden. Noone but myself can tell me whether I can stand it anymore or not. Noone but me can get myself up every morning and breathe.
So, people that I hear say things that dig at […]
idk why nothing gets better
it doesn’t
i feel so much pain in being alive so alone such a struggle so hard now every day it’s like trying to breathe can’t breathe literally sometimes
the list of bad things is too long, the past always knocking me in the eye
i know im going to die soon b/c i cant bear sexual abuse and it’s horrors all alone anymore the fb’s the depression the noise terrorism the paranoia the past running into people i dont want to see the stigma
and at this point im really looking forward to it
it would be nice if there had been god at all […]
you know that feeling you get when youre falling asleep, when your limbs are dead and heavy, well that’s me all the time. I couldn’t even get the milk out of the fridge. I’m so desperate inside, like I’m scrambling through all of this heavy darkness inside of me, I cant breathe. my heart is palpitating. I feel physically sick. and keep zoning out for 10 minutes every now and then and have no idea whats going on. councelling is shit, they even said they don’t know how to help. I just don’t know what I need. I cant. I want to, but I mentally […]
The days are made up of small moments. Today’s best moments come when I walk into the other room and the sun falls on my face. The worst moments come when I climb back into bed, moaning from the pain. Some moments are lighter: they’re surreal, empty, clouded, but the depression has lifted just slightly. Others are agony, like fresh knife wounds… some are in between. It’s a mess of drowning and rising, but never quite breathing.
Derealisation has been on my mind a lot. Because of a couple of clearer moments I’ve had recently, I’ve convinced myself that it’s possible for the cloak over reality […]
The other day I found myself staring at the ocean.. Waves coming in and breaking over my feet and then going back out again. This process was constant.. never ending. I found myself thinking about the vastness of the ocean and how i could easily get lost out there. There was something so majestic and beautiful about the feeling of the water crashing around my ankles and the feeling of the coarse rocky sand moving beneath my feet. I could taste the salt in the air and I could feel the humidity sticking to my skin.
And yet, in these simply beautiful, […]
in honour of World Suicide Prevention day last week, I just wanted to share a success story; my story.
1 year ago on June 15, 2014; this was me.
and 461 days later I am still here ??
the bravest thing I’ve done thus far in my life was choosing to stay. to stay, and to keep fighting! life is messy, and it is damn hard, but you know what I also found out a rather hard way? it is REALLY worth it. […]
On Friday night I overdosed on burpion, this time I didn’t even mean to. I thought I ran out of my 350mg so I took 4 150mg to equal it to 450mg. Instead I took 4 350mg. As soon as I found out I did that I was having a panic attack. I didn’t want to tell anyone, I didn’t want to bother anyone and I felt like I would get yelled at. So I just went into my living room and watched some YouTube videos. After 2 hours of waiting I finally felt the side effects. I felt like I could not breathe, my […]
The tears just wont stop coming
Every day now – I cry
I ask God to take me – to give me some relief from this hell I live in
For a very short time, I thought there was hope
But just like everyone else, he left me alone
I was stupid to even believe in a glimmer of happiness
It never comes
I don’t want to be here anymore
2 nights ago I dreamed I was torn apart by a mountain lion – and that peace, that you only find in death – I felt that in the dream.
And then I woke up […]
I don’t know but it’s some place I didn’t ever imagine I’d be. I always felt like I got dealt a shit hand in life and that no matter what I did nothing good would come my way. I half ass tried and dragged ass through life aimlessly, I couldn’t even be bothered to care about myself. I guess I never truly felt loved or wanted so maybe on a subconscious level I felt I didn’t deserve to feel that for myself. I cared and loved in all the wrong ways for all the wrong people. I got hurt so bad that it felt like […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like a crippling black hole inside of me is sucking the life out of me. I feel so alone, I am so alone. I have two friends at college but they’re busy most of the time with work and class, leaving me in my solitude. I don’t want to go on anymore, I want to relapse on cutting when I’ve been mainly clean for nearly three years, but I don’t want the scars, the repercussions, the consequences. I just need something, an outlet. I’m so lost, so hopeless. I want to curl up and die, disappear, not […]
These past few days have been full of epiphanies, deep reflection and tears and a strange sense peace. Knowing that my ship is about to set sail into the unknown has created some serenity in my mind. I was tired of being motionless and receiving constant beat down. Relocated to the country, all I do is just breathe and watch the lush greenery. I am preparing for release.
“Life can be a setback, and death can be progression
Life can be a burden and death can be release
Life can be a problem and death can be a solution
If your life is death there can […]
I can’t take this pain anymore. I’m a young adult not even able to drink and my family disowned me. My boyfriend broke up with me and is already seeing someone else even though I still love him. I have no home and my only hope is to become a stripper to pay the bills and I’m not sure that’s even going to cut it. I don’t have a car either. I feel like I’m suffocating with nothing going for me. All I feel is so much pain and agony I can’t breathe.
Hi… this is my first post… I’m really young and stupid, but, I’m not interested in telling anyone my real age.
I had a few suicide attempts now, which I had no courage to continue. Yes, yes, suiciding is the coward’s way out, escaping and running away from your problems. But, it’s not as easy as you think it is. Well, I stopped those suicide attempts because I still care for the people around me… I was thinking, “What if they blame themselves because I killed myself? What if they think that its entirely their fault and choise to ruin their lives as well?” I know, […]
I need to seek, my Fairy or Godmother
Or where are you, my true, Brother
Ironic, so that I can be fixed
Drastic, will you hold-me with the heart
A light, cut from inside of
You all are, the gods of the world
This stricken and blank stare
Can you know
The poor-soulless, staring at the moon
I seek-to
Broken-one from the spectrum
You are such a beautiful aroma
That I can’t, breathe
I’ve been only, decaying in my monstrosity
Oh, comrade
Will it ever say
I found the beautiful music
But still, not you
I’m calling, fallen from the helm, now
From an eon-vast-ago