Lately I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night. i keep seeing my dads dead body when I close my eyes at night or I dream that he is still alive. It’s twisted because when I was still in the womb he attempted to stab me. I hated hearing that as I grew up. He was a drug addict, and had about 6 fatal infections leading up to his death. The flesh eating one is what killed him two years ago a week before my 16th birthday. We had a rocky relationship. From the age of 6-12 he abused me. I lived with him […]
Tag:
Coffin
This is my story from the start http://suicideproject.org/2013/07/my-story-161/ please reaad that first before continuing down so you will understand the bits that i’ve missed out.
So you have read the beginnings and the main depth of what happened in my child/teen life. Heres some that i have missed out like my eating disorder , suicide attempt and the visions and self harm.
Im going to start off with the visions i get when i have anxiety attacks or panic attacks i haven’t told anyone what i hear, see or feeling during these episodes. Not even my psychiatrist. Well i get flash backs of the that night i got […]
**Disclaimer: don’t do drugs mmkay. It is not my responsibility if you do, be safe, be careful, be responsible. Don’t do stupid shit.**
Guys I have been there. I want to show you what it is like but I can’t, I can only describe it. It was so intense, some might have been afraid in my situation, I thought even the bad parts made it better.
I took presumingly 140 microgrammes of LSD (well that is what the guy who sold it to me said). I took it at home by myself to explore my mind (not recommended, especially if it is your first experience with psychedelics. […]
Yesterday I went for a walk, somehow I felt a little better. I saw some horses and watched them for awhile. Walked in the rain, but it felt good, at least it made me feel. But last night I looked on the internet and there is so much – so much of the opposite of what I’ve always thought was beautiful. Gentleness, tenderness, sweetness, paintings that move you deep inside, someone that would help a neighbor, little children being allowed to be innocent, dreams, words that carry weight, words that mean something. I start to think I wish something had happened to me awhile ago, […]
Here I am one year later. Why do I even try to kill myself.. Â Well, recently I haven’t really tried.. I’m bored of waiting to have an opportunity. I’m bored of wanting to die.. Most days are better then others and death seems too…. sigh.. death seems too what? too…. the same. Like everything on this place. Most of you guys want to die.. but what happens next? As long as you’re gone right.. What if there was no heaven or no hell. You’re just stuck in your coffin awake for eternity.. Would you regret.. Would you lose your mind? A month ago I had […]
I’ve just accepted that I will never be the same, not that I was ever right to begin with. I know everyone feels like that. I know this will change. I know everyone is very “sympatheticâ€. I also know, none of this changes how I feel. It doesn’t make me feel better that everyone else feels like shit too- it makes me feel hopeless. It doesn’t make me feel better that you think this will change- it’s been eight years so excuse me if I’m not trusting your psychic powers to foresee my future. I know you care and “are there†for me- well of […]
So number two, my grandad.
I’ve already mentioned him briefly but I shall give you a bit more detail.
He was always ill, but it never seemed to phase him. I think in total he suffered 2 strokes, 1 “mini” stroke, a heart attack, several ongoing illnesses and probably some other things. For about the last five years he has been in about out of hospital and nursing homes for people recovering but he never really did recover. As well as being ill we think he had dementia, he often forgot where he was, who we were and even our names. That hurt, a lot. But anyway […]
aha gettit? Cause I’ll die. I hope you do understand the just of it because most don’t, they don’t understand the god damn fake mask, and quite frankly it itches and I want to take this god awful smile away when it’s not true. I will do it, either your in or your out. Choose, looking at my coffin or laughing beside me on the way down? I don’t want you to die…. Of corse I don’t 🙁 but you won’t let me go, without you too… And.. I can’t take it. Your life or the time in this everlasting nightmare
How do you really tell someone you’re in pain without it bothering them? Without making them feel useless for not being to help you? Normal activities will only take you so far. Should I return to pointlessly opening my flesh? How many OD’s til I get it right? When will this spit stay in my mouth? When will my body stop aborting itself? I don’t want to kick and thrash anymore. I don’t want to freeze in one state for minutes on end. I want my old life back. When I was a humorous person to be around, when I would laugh at myself even. […]
I can’t get this feeling to go away. I feel bitter, I feel lost, I feel helpless.. I want to drink myself into a coma. I try so hard to make everyone happy even though everything is literally falling apart all around me. My best friend’s sister died 3 months ago in a drunk driving accident, she was 19.  even though we weren’t that close, she was still like an older sister to me. and I have never seen someone so young and so beautiful be so still and so lifeless. she didn’t even look like herself at all.. it haunts me everyday, all I can […]
“I am my heart’s undertaker. Daily I go and retrieve its tattered remains, place them delicately into its little coffin, and bury it in the depths of my memory, only to have to do it all again tomorrow.”  — Emilie Autumn (The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls)
I had my first suicidal thought at the age of eight. Two years later, I had what I referred to as “my contingency plan”, consisting of a lethal OD of my mum’s prescribed potassium chloride pills. It was a strange comfort to know that, if everything ever became too much, there was something I could DO, something I actually had […]
Kill the lights because
The shows all over
And realize that
My time is up
The stage is set for
My own death
A suicide written by me
The pain of yesterday
Haunts me today
And I can’t live to see tomorrow
When all I know is hate
Disappear today andÂ
Leave the world to sway
In it’s cycle again
The list so long
Of things I’ve done wrong
Stapled to my note
Will show the world whyÂ
I deserve to die
All that’s left is to choose
Which method will remove
My spirit from my body for good
One last cut
One last smoke
One last glass […]
This song means a lot to me.. Not sure if anyone else can relate.
Versus the world – Love every scar
I fell in love every scar on her wrists
And sad eyes told a story of every
Great thing that she’d missed
She doesnt call here anymore
She didn’t even say goodbye
Just a kiss blown to
The wind we didn’t catch in time
This can’t be right the night has just begun
And I already feel like I’m dead
I know I shouldn’t hate myself
I should be blaming this on you instead
Instead I’ll rewind these weeks in my mind
And I don’t think I’ll […]
I don’t want to die-on most days. But sometimes I get so depressed it seems like a good solution. It just passes my mind out of the blue when I’m crossing a river or crossing the street. What if.
I thought I’d had it all figured out by now and it’s not like that. Not knowing what to do with your life at 20 isn’t a good idea. I feel like I’m gonna screw up, alone with a boring job I hate, surrounded by people I have nothing in common with, my parents are going to be so disappointed.They are going to die and I’ll […]
oh how i want to go down 6 feet and be free
ill be away from this world and the hurt its caused me
so its selted, ill force a bullet right into my heart
ill end all the pain from the place it had to start
ill be in bliss and euporia and maybe feel okay
“i was too weak to go on”, ill make sure my note will say
im sorry for the confusion, you raised me right mom
it was me who chose to do this, so please try to stay calm
i know this is hard for you, seeing me in crimson
but one day youll realize that this was […]
Anger rising, rushing through my veins
Thoughts racing, running through my brain.
I can’t take this, all this hate.
I don’t want failure to be my fate.
I am unable to give a f*ck anymore,
So please go walk out that f*cking door!
He and she is no longer we
And I don’t want it to be!
Just let me go, say goodbye.
Let me go and watch me fly.
Hopefully I’ll soar up to God,
Or maybe just get beaten by a metal rod.
F*ck this life, I give up.
No more strife, put my ashes in a cup.
Spread them in a forest in the fall
Or maybe dress me […]
I want to commit suicide as a project, but I don’t want nobody to know… how do I do that????
there are pros ans cons ok.
-I have money to finance anything!
-I don’t have friends, don’t have girlfriend, never had.. plus have been traveling for the past 11 years ALL ALONE around the world
-My family:we are 3 guys and 1 girl, mom and dad, my dad has another family, he got remarried, he recently had a child, 2 of my brothers are married one just recently had a child, my sister is getting married next year. we never had a healthy relation in our family, my mom […]
Yes I’m suicidal, hence my username. That may explain the dream of me seeing a documentary on TV about a boy who commit suicide and was dead but lived? ( yeah my dreams don’t like logic) anyway, I watch the entire documentary; it showed where and how he grew up and how he killed himself and his funeral ceremony. At the end the boy who committed suicide was alive and grown up saying theres hope for all depressed teenagers. That was when I broke my eyes away from my TV and realised that I was sitting in my living room which had a mahogany coffin […]
It would be such a relief if I just died right now. It’s all I am craving. I had a dream in which I was lying in a coffin and everyone came to my funeral. I felt so peaceful because all the pain was gone. I wish I really died in that sweet dream.