the things we do just to keep ourselves alive.

I can’t get this feeling to go away. I feel bitter, I feel lost, I feel helpless.. I want to drink myself into a coma. I try so hard to make everyone happy even though everything is literally falling apart all around me. My best friend’s sister died 3 months ago in a drunk driving accident, she was 19.  even though we weren’t that close, she was still like an older sister to me. and I have never seen someone so young and so beautiful be so still and so lifeless. she didn’t even look like herself at all.. it haunts me everyday, all I can see is her face in that coffin. what sucks even worse? less then 2 months after her death, my brother got into a car accident and was put in the ICU. I later found out that not only were him and his friends on Synthetic Pot, but they also killed a nine-year old girl. I can’t even begin to imagine how much pain her family had to endure.. and it was my brother and his friends who did it. yes, he wasn’t driving, but that still doesn’t mean that it wasn’t his fault.  I don’t know how to deal with something like that. I can understand why my best friend gets angry that I talk to him still.. but she doesn’t get that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. I can’t just push him out of my life after something like that happens, I don’t want to lose him to. My mom already disowned me, My dad is depressed and tells me in detail about how he wants to die, I hardly even talk to my sisters anymore. We used to be such a happy fucking family. Why the fuck did everything have to change so fucking quickly? take me back to when they were still together. take me back to when I could smile with a meaning.. all I ever do now is smoke my life away and drink until I black out. I could care less about “finding a boyfriend,” I DON’T WANT LOVE.  I have pushed so many people who have cared about me right out of my life. before my grandma died in 2009, my whole family would go to Christmas and the holidays and EVERYONE would be there. Now we don’t even HAVE Christmas as a family. I don’t talk to my aunts or uncles because I know they are disappointed in me, as well as my cousins and mom’s parents. I pushed them away, and I continue to push them away even when they try to help me.
Even though my mom and my sisters rarely ever want anything to do with me, I know they love me.. but that’s not good enough. They have every reason in the world to not want anything at all to do with me. They don’t know what to do with me anymore.. they’ve given up.. and I don’t blame them at all. I hate seeing them hurt, but there’s really nothing that I can do. Recently, my dad and I got an apartment after him and his ex-girlfriend broke up… she really ruined our lives.. for four months my dad wasted over 10,000 on her. he would go through 1500 dollars a WEEK just to try and please her. now we’re practically broke, and she’s pregnant with what she thinks is his kid.. but my dad wasn’t even home around the time she could’ve gotten pregnant. you see, my dad works on the road at nuclear power plants for months at a time. although my dad’s ex-girlfriend claims to be pregnant with his baby, he was gone at the time it would’ve been conceived. It’s practically tearing away at him.. I can read him so well, and I’m pretty much at the part in the book where I can’t read anymore because It kills me inside just to look at him.. he’s an alcoholic and I don’t even know when could be my last time with him. I’m absolutely terrified of losing him… i just want to start cutting again. ):

i feel like i’m at war with myself, and i’m finally losing.