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I have been living a lie

by anonym254

I can’t stop shaking.

I’ve been lying to my parents for 3 years. They think I’m about to graduate from university when in fact I haven’t been going to school. My parents are so proud of me. It’s all a lie. I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I have no friends, I have nobody except for my parents, where do I even begin to pick up my life? The son that they love is a complete lie, he doesn’t exist. i have had really bad social anxiety and depression that i haven’t been able to even get up and go to class.My life has just been a downfall because in 2015 i was in rehab for 3 months (for which i dont regret because i met awesome people in there who drugs really messed their life up) for smoking cigarettes and being “untidy” (my dad almost beat me before i was taken) and my parents looked at me like an outcast. I joined uni in 2016 (different university because i dropped out of my first one which i joined in 2013 because of rehab and had missed alot of classes because of bad anxiety and depression) and they were kind of happy that i was trying to turn my life around. For the first year i was able to go some classes but eventually my anxiety kicked in and from 2017 i started missing classes .In one semester i was even able to attend all my classes but i didn’t take the exam because of my anxiety. I became depressed because of missing classes and not doing shit and havent been able to do anything since. I continued to lie to them and now its the final week to graduation and i dont know what to tell them and how to say it to them. i know im fucked and there is nothing much i can do except the truth but having an abusive father as i have knowing he could kill me, i might as well do it before he does. The only person who could help me is my mom and after this she wont want anything to do with me. My family looks at me weird and both of my sisters hate me. Also my sister is graduating this year and my elder sister has a masters and that even adds more disappointment. I really want to finish school though and purse my other career which i have been focusing on for the past few years in music. But it looks like this is the end of the road for me so if you dont hear any feedback from me in the next few days or at least a week.. it was nice writing this down for someone else to read and i hope no one ever gets in such a shitty situation. I put my final piece of music that i was working on because i dont know of my future. Its an instrumental (im a producer/audio engineer) Thanks and Goodbye.


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Cause of Death: Suicide 11/19/2018 - 2:09 pm

Uh, I appreciated your story. I didn’t ever make it to college because I didn’t want to live a lie. I had planned to commit suicide as soon as I graduated high school at 18.. that didn’t work out so now I’m 24, I haven’t accomplished anything but I spend every day trying to find the way to end my life

PatheticMale 11/19/2018 - 2:26 pm

I am on my way to your situation. I should be graduating high school this year but I rarely even attend. It is so painful to get up in the morning. And sitting all day in school literally feeling as if someone is shitting right into my brain isnt any better.

anonym254 11/19/2018 - 3:03 pm

What i can say is, just try and impress your parents if they want to be impressed and finish school or college. After that just focus on yourself and things will be okay. Its advice that i wasnt able to live upto.

BehindDeadEyes 11/19/2018 - 8:15 pm

If you do decide to go on, don’t take any abuse from your family, especially your father. You said he’s capable of killing you. Let him know by whatever means necessary that he isn’t. A father, or any family member for that matter, who is that violent isn’t family anymore. I’ve known so many people that have put up with physical and/or sexual abuse from their parents that I’ve lost count. If they had put their foot down, they would have at least had a little more self esteem as well as sparing themselves some grief. There’s more than enough of that going around without adding anymore to it. If you do decide to end it though, I hope you find your peace. Life is a cruel hand to be dealt.

WITHINtheShadows 11/20/2018 - 11:21 am

I liked the music…your desperation soundtrack ha ha ha
Chaos… but music please! <3

Man what a shit you did.

Lie a bit more and say you are changing to another course and then start studying truly. So you gain some time.

Or tell yoir parents you are not good and need help…

Or you keep lying and master it or you confess.

If I was your parents I'd try to help. Only a sick person does such a thing.

You are mad! 🙂


ShatterStar 11/24/2018 - 11:28 pm

First off, you’re really fucking talented. I had to record your song and put it my playlist. This was the first post I saw on this website and I couldn’t just leave before trying to tell you to stay alive.

Don’t drive yourself to suicide because of what your family may do and say. It doesn’t matter if they don’t approve of you. At least from my experience, the only way to truly get in control of your depression is to love yourself more than those around you. Be selfish right now. Once you’ve come to love all of you, then you can take the opinions and criticisms from those around you with a grain of salt. Especially family, because family have the potential to greatly improve a person’s mindset or completely destroy it. In order to live, to truly live, you must have a barrier between your thoughts and the thoughts of others.

Death doesn’t necessarily guarantee peace. Peace can be achieved on Earth. And I want you to live and find your peace. If you love making music, put yourself out there. If you want to try college again, go ahead. If you don’t, then don’t and find another way to do what you love. Just because your sisters have degrees doesn’t mean that you have to hop on the train and get one to. Decide what you want to do, then tell your family. Or don’t tell them. You’re an adult, so you don’t owe them anything now. But you owe yourself a chance at obtaining peace in whatever form you find it.

I hope this reaches you in time. And I hope you give yourself a fighting chance on Earth, despite all the bullshit life throws at you.

Hiccup 11/26/2018 - 1:22 am

Your song is amazing! Stay alive for the music

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