So I made the noose today and hung it in my outside storage. So whenever I’m ready and I feel the urge… I’ve been cutting and purging for the last few days… it seems to help for a moment but not completely. I’ve been in the hospital twice and I go to therapy wkly and am on an antidepressant but I don’t remember a time when my depression and thoughts have honestly been this bad. I dunno how to control my emotions… I’ve been diagnoised with borderlin personality disorder and am very embarressed by what I’m going thru. I dunno if it will be tonite, […]
Tag:
Emotions
today i saw a new therapist and she asked me quite a few questions i was uncomfortable answering but i tried hard to answer. she said a lot of stuff that caught my attention. one question she asked me was “what motivates you?” and i didn’t like that i couldn’t find an answer to it. i don’t know what motivates me to do anything or why i get up and do the things i do, and that scares me. i remember writing something down in a diary/journal that i was afraid of becoming like a zombie, being emotionless and not knowing what keeps me going, […]
Do you ever get the feeling where you don’t feel dark or especially depressed, but your mind is fixated on suicide and it’s never far from the front of your thoughts? You’re able to function just fine and you don’t feel any sadder than usual, it’s just that you’re constantly planning and thinking about your own death no matter how hard you try to distract yourself.
That’s how I feel right now, and have felt for the past 2 years pretty much non stop. And it scares me, because I can’t help but wonder if this is all I am now, all I’m going to be. […]
I’ve always believed in giving everyone another chance and to forgive but not forget and all that, but what happens when the person who fucked up your life the most apologizes? The so called man who pushed your friend to commit suicide and your brother to attempt? The so called man who bullied and harassed you not only physically and emotionally, but sexually too for years before who took that final step and raped you. The reason you don’t trust, you don’t sleep and the reason you don’t even recognize yourself. Am I suppose to take the “right” way out and forgive him? Or do […]
So i find myself in my own hole again, im 21 years old and i’ve suffered from depression all my life as well as other disorders. i first started feeling depressed when i was a young child. The first thoughts of suicide that i can remember was when i was 8 and from that point i’ve been on and off many medications. I’ve had the ups and the downs and now i feel like im stuck in the down and i can’t get out. i spent a month in a psych ward in December and was released in January. i was homeless when i was […]
I tried to be happy[ish] and stop putting myself  down so much, but it didn’t really work out. I was relatively happy for about 3 months, but I don’t think I was happy at all. I forced myself to not think anything bad, and I would always push a ‘bad’ thought out of my mind as soon as it appeared. It was mentally tiring, I guess. So I gave up. If I am to be happy, I want it to be real and not me just being in denial. So now I’m back to being depressed. Although I have to say I am a lot […]
I feel so confused… One minute I want to die, and the next I wish someone was here to tell me everything is going to be okay. I’m so unhappy with myself and I feel like such a failure. I know it’s all growing pains but I’ve felt so sad since I was in high school. I hate these hormones, or whatever is causing me to feel so sad. It’s a cycle. I can’t eat because I’m sad, and I feel sad because I don’t eat. I can’t make up my mind whether I want to live or die.
The boy I live with, whom I […]
I guess I should just put it out thereWhen I was 10 I was sexually abused although it wasn’t rape it has always haunted me. I told my mom Nd my stepfather but they didn’t believe me. Then my stepdad started sneaking into my room in the mornings when my mom would go to work. I guess you can figure what he did from there. I would pretend to be asleep so I could tell myself I wasn’t so disgusting enough to let him touch me in all my snsesz I never told m mom about that. It’s not as if she would believe me. […]
Hello, my name is Viktor D.
I’m from Serbia, and I have a lot of emotional problems, along problems with people.
I am a metal-head and people who don’t know what metal is and how good metal-people are, and that they also have emotions, and can be soft and good to other people and nice, polite etc. but when I see other people who don’t understand what it is, and when I see them make fun of it and me and my friends, it makes me burst with rage, but then I understand that even if they somehow get better and start to understand, there are […]
So I had me an hour of sleep, awesome. Got to plaster on some emotions so I can blend into this dark landscape that’s my life and carry on one more day.
IÂ cut. A lot..
I’ve done it for about a year. I swore to myself I would never harm myself like that, but look where I am now. I have an arm and two ankles covered in scars and cuts. I think of cutting as a stronger way of crying; i feel so weak just bursting into tears, so intsted i cut, it shows i’m strong enough to deal with pain. But now I know I need to stop. People who mean so much to me tell me I need to stop. I’m loosing people because of it. I nearly went to hospital because the bleeding wouldn’t stop. […]
So this will be a long one. I am 20 years old and a trainee hairdresser, I had Meningitis when I was 4, I live with my boyfriend and my housemates in a house share, I have depression and anxiety and I cannot cope with my emotions. I suppose things started to be difficult for me when I was 8 years old, I had a pyscological issue where everytime I got in the car I needed to go to the toilet desperately, this was also at a time when my Dad hit me quite frequently. I saw a therapist about the problem and it was all […]
I don’t know why I am so alone in every way, well actually I suppose I do, it’s just that I have been repressing it for far too long- out it comes now, oh dear:
The people who tell you that things change when people grow up and you go from lower to higher schools and onwards are not always right. People might change, but their attitudes towards those who were once 11 year old outcasts remains… and even if it isn’t verbalised, hostility is an emotion easy to pick up on when directed at you, it truly is. Do you know what it’s like […]
‘Well, I know the feeling,
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge,
And there ain’t no healing,
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge,
I’m telling you that, it’s never that bad,
Take it from someone who’s been where you’re at.’
Damn, I love Nickelback.
Anyways. Feeling depressed :I and obviously suicidal.
Did i tell you guys about the day before my birthday? Well, I didn’t really know much about Daniel then, I just knew that I had a voice in my head that was driving me crazy. For some reason I thought I could release the voice inside my head by scratching at my hand until […]
I purely and thoroughly hate myself. There’s no sugar-coated layer to hide the fact of the matter.
Ever since I was a kid, clinical depression has lingered in every thought I’ve conceived. In public, I have it all: grades, musical/athletic talent, friends to fuck around with on the weekends. Reality? I’m smart, but totally unmotivated. I can answer questions in class and still not account for shit when it comes to my work. Music takes up my whole time, so what’s left for sports? I don’t want to get any unhealthier, but Jesus, my motivation spectra is as broad as the water level in the Saharra Desert. And sure, I have friends… Even that’s subjective, […]
I keep having mental and nervous breakdowns over the stupidest things. For one, when ever i think of my job (subway) i wanna break down crying because i hate it so much. Just having the dog pee on my bed will set me off into a huge crying and sobbing episode that will last for hours. I have panic attacks when that happens. I am seeing a psychiatrist and i dont know how to bring up the fact that i think i need xanax or ativan or something because when i have those episodes i become very suicidal. I have bipolar by the way so […]
I enjoy life, but life hurts and abuses me. I smile and laugh at the little things, while being degraded and yelled at. I smile every day because I forgive and forget, everyday I am mentally abused and given a new reason to cry. However, I can’t cry with my eyes so my heart hurts for me in exchange for my smile. I laugh and things seem to fade away and release me from my worries, but he knows exactly what to say to crush me.  Everyday I trade my pain for a genuine smile, I let myself forget, I let myself go on without letting it […]
I bought a rope and there’s a bridge not far from where I live ..
I’ll be waiting for my intuition to tell me it’s time to go through with it
I’m tired of living just because others want and expect me to
I’m tired of living to preserve my relatives precious bubbles .. I’ve almost reached my breaking point
I’ve been trapped (1) in a body and (2) in this world for too long
I’ve lost interest in figuring out what my purpose is (assuming there’s even one)
my presence on here must be an error, I have no choice but to fix it
once I’m dead: no more struggles, […]
Hello.
This is my note. This is the only place my note will ever be, because I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with this.
I’m nothing, I mean nothing to myself. I would really rather disappear into nothing. Scatter myself into a thousand and one atoms, floating peacefully in space. Instead I’m stuck here, in this colourless hell. The only person i can talk to won’t listen, I can’t tell her anyway. I love her too much to let her bear this.
Anyway, my name is Sian. I’m nearly sixteen, I have blonde hair and brown eyes. I’m a dancer, that’s how I define […]
I posted a while back explaining a lot of what has been happening that has driven me back into a depression i had finally escaped last summer. I’ve been trying to figure out who i am to see if maybe i can convince myself that i actually deserve this life i’ve been given. But i honestly don’t know who i am, and i don’t think i ever did. I put a mask on when i was young so no one would see that i was slowly dying inside, and i lost whoever i was to this mask. I feel almost no emotions anymore, i force […]