In solitude, steadily moving towards what is not mine: a sense of tranquility. An artificial sense of gratitude steeps through the thought of tranquility, tranquility becomes a symbol of your demise. The feeling of gratitude to what is not wanted: it’s betrayal, that betrayal is present in the tranquility: the tranquility of the – ordinary! The ordinary is a distinction of your-self from the rest, they’re ordinary, you’re authentic. The meaningless feeling of tranquility they enjoy, cannot be a result of emptiness filled with the necessary elements that gratitude feeds on to manifest. Why you want that tranquility, you just can’t figure. In the end, that […]
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enough
Again. Another day. I hear my two youngest that share my home leave for work. My daughter’s little dog comes into my room after she’s gone to work and cries to at me to be picked up. I do, and she digs under my blankets and falls asleep.
Hour by hour goes by. I fight to stay asleep. Noon comes. Noon gives way to one o’clock. Then it’s two o’clock. I dread the searing pain of getting up. It’s the end of the third week of the month and pain meds are dwindling. Not enough. My bank account is dwindling. I should be up and looking for […]
I went to see my therapist a week ago. I told her I was starving myself, and that when I do eat something small, I purge. She looked at me and said I was fine. I don’t think I’m skinny enough anyways, but what bothered me was that she just glanced at me and in less than a minutes she decided I was fine. Is that normal for therapists to do? Or I am just exaggerating and I’m perfectly fine? My psychiatrist said the same. But everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself. I love seeing the number drop. I hate when it […]
Maybe this is my suicide note, maybe it’s not. I don’t know yet. I’m tired of feeling like there isn’t enough for me. I feel like I’m an accidental extra. I’m somebody’s mistake that they didn’t feel like taking care of. Almost 19 years ago two stupid idiot drug addicted teens decided they wanted a baby. 19 years later here I am wishing they hadn’t.
I will admit that right now there are a lot of things for me to be happy about.. but I think I’m too far gone. Too apathetic to them. It’s not enough. I try so hard to hold on to them. […]
I keep thinking I can’t bear it anymore. But I’m scared of the alternatives.
by thehusk
written by thehusk
I’m such an asshole. I hate being around people, especially at work. They’re always in the way. And I haven’t worked out a way to ask them to move without feeling angry. I try to be polite, but my face seems to betray me – ‘I hate you for not having the self-consciousness to realise you’re in my way, I hate that I have to ask you to move just so I can do my job, and I hate myself that this is how I’m spending my life.’
Or people try to make small talk. There’s reasons I don’t want to talk about myself. I feel […]
Could it just be to fucking perfect? Sometimes, I wish I was single, just so the level of pathetic I’m at won’t seem as bad. The New Year has come and I’m here, at home, doing nothing. Just sitting here, staring at the TV, fighting the fucking urge to go outside and freeze to death… Happy New Year and a kiss to my daughter. Thinking happily(or what’s left of the good side of my mood) that at least she is next to me.
This man, I say I love, is asleep, next to me. Hey, at least he sprung up 3 secs before the ball dropped […]
I’m so tired. I’m so tired of life itself. I’m so tired of not being good enough for you. I’ve tried so hard to be everything you wanted. It’s not enough. It will never be. And it’s torture. Everyday. To feel like you’ll never love me for who I am.
I feel that I have to hide a side of myself, that I have to pretend to be a person that I am not because it seems that society views people that suffer from a mental illness as being social outcasts, people that are dangerous or viewed as being weak.
It takes so much effort and energy just to exist. But, it seems that most people don’t see that effort as being enough. They don’t see that I’m giving 100% of myself to just be alive; they don’t see the daily struggle. To be a “normal” person I have to give so much more than 100%. It is entirely […]
I don’t want to die with myself becz my parent’s love me, but now situation is not in my control. i want to do lot’s of stuff but i can’t every time i try to do new thing just someone remind me that what i can’t do. i screw many thing in my past i want to fix them but i can’t because i don’t have enough strength to stand. i am weak, i pray to god please give me some strength, but nothing work.i am just crying and try to harm my body. please god give your worst hazard to me so that i […]
Christmas without you is hell…..we never had family to have over, or the money to have the “average” Christmas……but I miss going out of my way to get you a lot of nice gifts, because I enjoyed seeing you smile. And it always made your worthless scumbag of a husband angry bc the only reason why he even got that $10 gift card is bc you made me get him something…..a pile of shit in a box crossed my mind a few times……as crappy of a mother as you were, I always loved you with all my heart. You were my bestfriend. I knew you […]
Why are we always remembered for our mistakes? It’s like you do one bad thing and it sticks with you forever. I made a huge mistake and I regret it. I’m so scared that everyone is going to find out what it is. It’s bad enough that it made the papers. I don’t want to go to school because I feel like everyone already knows and they are talking about it. Like why can’t they just ignore my stupid mistake and think of the good things I’ve attempted. But wait society doesn’t work that way.
The absolute gall of my family members is atrocious. They berate me for everything I do (of which I do very little since I try to mind my on bloody business).
I went through absolute mental hell this year for my final year at uni, for some effed up reason, I managed to pass (seriously have no idea how), so imagine my utter disbelief when I get my uni assessment marks in the post and find out I passed everything, I was on the verge of disbelief, sorrow, joy and all other kinds of bewilderment but overall was generally approving of the situation. My ass hat family […]
im tempted to take these tablets maybe theyll help the hurt go. maybe if i buy more, space them out over a couple of days make it look like an accident like i didn’t mean to do it. idk.
From the looks, I appear to be a runner forever running away from my problems. Nobody understood why I run and where I am running from.
I am actually running away from my goals, dreams and interests. It is a pain having them. Being autistic, these dreams, no matter how unrealistic they are, attack you everyday, Everyday you are reminded of the fact that it is not your interest, goals, dreams that matters. What matters is whether I am good enough to achieve those dreams.
I have fought many years. The Christians say that God has a better plan for […]
See, after the last girl that seemed crazy about me turned me down and wanted to be friends (and I was stupid enough to believe things would be different this time) I want to know, how do I get a girlfriend? Should I just make my standards so low I can’t possibly get rejected? Just go for people with no self-esteem and don’t actually look like girls to begin with? Is that the key, just have no standards whatsoever? Or should I just say screw it and end my life, because I’m sick of this.
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I’ve been really busy with work and such.
Things are going rough and I on’y have until the 30th of this month to turn things around or I’ll lose everything.
These are my choices:
1) Default on my storage units and lose all mine and my late husbands possessions.
2) Sell my body to come up with $400 by the 30th.
3) Chain myself to a tree in the middle of nowhere tonight in soaking wet clothes and freeze to death.
Out of those options, which would you choose and why? What do you think I should do?
I’m working, but I don’t […]
I’m going to keep this short and sweet.
So I’m a freshman in college 6 hours away from my home town. About a week ago my sister tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills.
I found out about this from her boyfriend, her best friend, and my mom. (I also found out from her best friend that she’s had drug abuse problems recently.) I was able to contact her because she didn’t have her cell phone, but the day after she called me from the hospital. The gist of what I told her was that she should never try anything like that again. First off […]
I lived alone with my brothers while my parents are living outside of country for 5 years. I miss the total privacy I had before doing all these attemps.. I used to lock my door and no one would even ask me why I did and I really miss that for a reason that partial suspension is my only way out.. could’ve taken all the time I want in my room to do it and get done with it with my room locked but I ruined this chance for myself.. I’ve done other attempts, ***** attempts (with pills) and now that my mom lives with […]
Possible more darkness in my tunnel. Is there even any light anymore?
by BrokenAngel8
written by BrokenAngel8
2 years ago if you would of asked me I would of said something similar to that i felt like the happiest and luckiest girl in the world to be his. Now all I just feel is broken, hurt, betrayed and confused. I feel betrayed by what he said about me behind my back a few weeks ago.
I knew we had issues in our relationship I thoguht we were both strong enough to get through it but I guess I was dead wrong. Instead of confronting me about how you felt you t alked behind my back about it its bad enough that i found […]
I don’t feel much anymore. It’s like I’m floating just below the water, aware that my lungs are burning, but I’m unconcerned. I see so much and nothing at all. I see that I am likely to end up alone. I see that I cannot have children. I see that I am about to graduate college with a useless degree and a fuck load of debt. I see fires and wars and disaster and hatred and guns and knives and cars accidents and pain in the world. I see that I should do something. There I begin to see nothing. There is nothing to do. You […]