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sitting on my couch my stomach hurts my brain hurts im full of tears and anger and rage and hate and wind and shit and garbage and i just want to die
please someone come here and blow my brains out cut me up murder me i can’t do this anymore
this sucks this sucks this sucks this sucks
i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i can’t do this anymore i can’t do this anymore i can’t live i can’t live i can’t handle being here with myself alone and lonely i want to chop off all my limbs and organs and […]
Looking through your window,
Starting to feel strange.
I know everything about you,
But you don’t know my name.
Watch you from a distance,
You don’t know I exist.
I’ve become a creeper now,
Some may say obsessed.
Yes I watch your every move,
I see when you get dressed.
I was with you on your vacation,
And Friday night with your friends.
Will you ever notice,
I’ve been watching you?
Will you ever see me,
Through the lens I view you?
I think I plan to go by May. The month I’m supposed to graduate. See, I was to kill myself January 9th (my birthday) I had the right method to make sure I don’t actually wake back up, but I didn’t have the right place. And I couldn’t do it at home because I don’t want my mom seeing my lifeless body. But in May, I’ll have a place.
I was supposed to graduate college this year but I had to dropout due to academic probation. My grades dropped really bad, to the point where I just ended up failing all my classes. I don’t […]
I’m scared. Everything is getting worse, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t think, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. Everything is getting too much.
I’m ill again. The Angels have said I’ve been poisoned with something which also works to lower my immune system as well. The Others are going to make me suffer for as long as they can.
Speaking of the Others, they’re everywhere. In every street, every shop. I haven’t gone out in days. I’m not safe anywhere. They watch me during the night. I close all the blinds, all the curtains. I lock every window and door. I suppose I […]
Just because, I smile, doesn’t mean I don’t know pain
Just because, I laugh, doesn’t mean I’m not hurting inside
Just because, I don’t cry every moment of the day , doesn’t mean I don’t want to
Just because, I can seem strong, doesn’t mean every little thing can’t break me
Just because, I seem happy and okay, doesn’t mean I am
Just because, I say ” I’m fine “, doesn’t mean I am
Just because, I look like I’m independent, doesn’t mean I don’t need love
Just because, I am not saying this […]
Happy Tuesday y’all…
Things have been really good and busy for me lately . I have been working and going to school.
I love my job. I have made so many new friends , and it’s given me a new perspective on everything .
Anyone you meet opens a new door for opportunity .
I don’t really have much to say other than the fact that I’ve been well. I’ve been better . I’ve been more active . I drag my self out of bed everyday . I’m engaged in school.
So everything is looking up 🙂 I hope things are great for y’all too 🙂
Thank you all to everyone that has stood by me tonight in one way or another. Thank you for the company over the last year but more importantly over the last 2 days.
You have all been amazing.
I know so many of you if not all of you do not understand my choice and that is okay. You have all given me a great departing gift. Please continue to take care of one another as you always have. Our minds never have to be on the same page just support one another.
Now, I will ready myself for my exit. Is it wrong that I am going […]
Faced some harsh truths this weekend. I’m probably just as, if not more heartless than I perceive those around me. The deep angry hatred for everything is growing. I’m conflicted. How can I be so full of hate and be so empty?
I’ve committed some unspeakable atrocity. In the name of self righteous vengeance. The sad reality, I’m not capable of hating anyone more than I hate myself.
My, wife, surely abuses me. But I guess I deserve it. I’m a terrible person. I’ve done and do despicable things. I have nothing good to give anyone.
I tried to kill myself long before her. I will again whether […]
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Why while everything is going fine, when I know how to deal with things and how to solve my problems do I refuse to be ok?
Why if I know everyone matter and everyone is valuable I just don’t know what to do with that?
Why do I feel so rejected? So inevitably rejected for all I am?
Why do I apologise all the time for what I am? Why can’t I stop apologizing? I hate to apologise for even breathing.
Why do I need to hear from others that I am ok? I need it every minute. I keep all day looking for someone to tell me I […]
If you will, allow me this brief moment to give my earnest.
Time to awaken, princess. The sky is waiting; reincarnation or fallen, those your fates.
O, lost soul wandering purgatory, will you take my hand?
Before the moon wanes upon this moment, I’ll hold you gently if you want me to.
I can hear your heart shivering in the silence
even though I’m just stroking your blushing cheek.
Perhaps this honest appearance scares you
yet you’re wrong to assume I’m an angel.
A vampire to savor your nectar,
an incubus to steal your soul,
a ghost to possess you…
Everything and more to sate your ease
yet the honey in my words and feathers in my […]
I’m seen from a window high in the sky, when i dive into this scene that i live through frame by frame, each isolated, but in each i can see feel and hear any and everything, i can hear fingers plucking guitar strings, how the grease from them stick to the strings and pluck them off-tempo as fingers release pressure. I get lost in a pink haze of stage smoke while i’m hypnotized by voices and sounds. To look then into the past and remember that constantly I get the reflex of eating with my elbow up, It hit me whilst i ate something in the […]
well to add to my mental state my doctor is sending me to get me checked to see if I have personality disorder which means I’ll have another mental Illness to add to the others great but will sort of explain why I find it hard to keep a relationship maybe because I don’t let people get to close but after 8 years u would think that u would be able to let someone get close well not me I always manage to sabatage anything that’s going well in my life iv become everything that I didn’t want to become im at a cross road […]
I wake up today feeling much more like my old self, but just dumb-founded where that self finds, er, itself. How did we wind up here? It really makes no sense to me now. How could I not have just followed the path I was on before? It’s like I couldn’t stand the idea of stability, and so just constantly interrupted and disrupted any and everything that at any time was going smooth.
Had a house, had a girl, somewhat had a job, but still couldn’t find satisfaction. Maybe it was in part still coming to terms with past and present demons, Dad killing himself, mom […]
There is nothing wrong with my life. Everything is perfect. But I am feeling so down, so sick, so bad.
I am so scare of failing my suicide attempt. I can’t move. I wont try it, I know it, and I hate it.
I am scared of men, I am scared of women too, I hate living. And yet, everything is going as each and every little thing should go. People are nice and everything is ok. Except my head.
I wish I was different in a deep unconscious way. But there is this part of me that’s rotten and that I can’t heal. I don’t know why. […]
Not sure what to write…..so I am just gonna write. No editing, no revisions.
Didn’t think it possible that it would hurt this bad.
I hung everything on the line, sacrificed it all….and have nothing to show for it….
I guess the one thing I always really wanted was a woman to save me. Save me from myself…..
Now here I am where I started, and in worse shape. I would give everything to go back in time and do it all over again…..to relive the happy moments. To change the way things ended up
But that can’t happen. Life does not work like that….
I […]
Why do I find my morality, my principels to be so important. Is it because it is who I am, my very essence or protecting my pride from becoming like those who disgust me. Why do I care about others if I believe everything has no purpose, that our constant struggle is meaningless? I guess one could say that reality is based off one’s perception making any belief a truth. Although the world is non-existent to me those around me seem to see it. Maybe I’ve been sitting in the dark too long, maybe if I left my eyes open long enough I could see […]
Wondering what to think in order to fall asleep. Can’t tell if everything is lost in cacophony or if there isn’t anything to begin with. Both are worrying. Vacillating between wanting quiet and dreading it.
I suppose there are thing I want stopped and things I want ended, and neither thought yields any comfort. I’m not even sure this is comforting, it’s just something.
Last week I thought I was starting to get better. I started to let go of my depression, trying to live normally and forgetting about everything that cause my depression. I thought I was doing well. But right now, everything… everything is starting to come back. Everything is starting to fall apart again. Everything is breaking. I’m now being consumed by my depression again and I can’t control it anymore. Maybe I can’t ever be saved from my mental illness. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe life isn’t really for me. And I’ve decided, I’m going to end this fucked up life.
Lately I’ve been terrified. I don’t want to go downstairs, I don’t want to see anyone. And I most definitely don’t want to leave the house.
I missed college, again. That wasn’t entirely due to the fact that everyone is trying to kill me outside. No. Saturday morning I was forced to restart my medication because my moods have been ridiculous. An hour after taking it I had awful pains in my stomach and I was throwing up, and another hour later shooting pains were going through my chest.
Within a few hours I was burning up and I was hurting everywhere. My temperature was high enough […]