my head hurts. i’m very depressed. i feel that fog descending on me again…
it’s 7:07 pm and i want out of this life. i want to be gone. i know it’s probably wrong of me to feel this way… i must be pretty selfish to even consider it. many people would tell me so… i mean, what about my family, right?? especially my mom… she would be wrecked if i did this to her… i am her ‘rock’, her only support. but, at the same time, i cannot help it. i feel this pull, this urge to go… i want so badly to go… […]
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feel
It’ll probably be some time next week. If all goes to plan.
I’m kind of excited, in a dark and twisted kind of way. It makes me feel more at ease knowing it’ll all be over soon.
I remember the last time I did this.
All the planning, all the secrecy. And in the end it came to nothing.
Bought a 300 pill tub of painkillers, took 2 because I had a headache part way through.
Bought 12 pints worth of beer and had one can, which was warm.
Bought a nice strong hemp rope and the beam above me wasn’t strong enough.
In the end I just fished out a razor […]
Been contemplating on the bus from school. What would my parents feel? What would they say? What would they do?
I was born in Surrey, British Columbia on an early spring morning. My mother, being accompanied by only her parents was resting from the harsh birth just hours prior. My mother was married just weeks prior to her admittance into the hospital and with some surprise, my father entered the room with another woman. He wasn’t one to stay with the same woman for long before he’d discard the relationship to move on. The first two years were hell, I was abandoned in my crib for elongated hours with nothing more than a sippy cup of apple juice. My biological parents were incapable of […]
I know everyone is caught up in their own life, and I get that. Still, people are so clueless to see when others are not well around them. They ask me if I’m okay constantly due to my demeanor, because I don’t smile or laugh anymore. I use to wear that mask for everyone. I’d go to work or visit family and put on that ”happy mask” and I’ve come to the place before my end, where I just don’t give a shit anymore. If they want to ask questions, that’s fine, they’re entitled to. Doesn’t mean I have to answer, but if I do […]
I just recently was discharged from a psych ward. This was my second hospitalization. I’m still suicidal and have been for a long time. My parents told me today that I need to “try harder to be happy.” I’m just sick of hearing shit like this.
I just feel like dying, how am I supposed to stop all of a sudden. I just don’t understand their logic. I’ve been struggling with depression and self harm for about 8 years now (since I was 10 years old). And haven’t felt happy to be alive in about 2 years. My suicidal thoughts / planning have increased and became […]
Have you ever just felt unappreciated? You go above and beyond for everyone and some way some how you’re always lacking something. Nothing you do is good enough, who you are isn’t good enough. It gets lonely at that point and all you want is someone who sees how rare you really are and appreciates it and holds on to you as long as they can because they know for a fact another like you won’t come along.
You begin to feel stuck and don’t know what else to do with yourself. It weighs in heavier and heavier, the depression, the sadness, the emptiness, and […]
Creo que todo debería haber acabado hace tiempo pero, no fui capaz de ponerle fin cuando tuve la oportunidad y ahora tengo que cargar ,no solo con todos estos sentimientos y situaciones, sino con la culpa de no haber sido suficientemente valiente para abandonar todo e irme por fin.
Espero poder conseguirlo esta vez.
I feel guilty for the way I feel. My life is good, most would call it easy and I have the nerve to be ungrateful. I try to put on a brave face but it’s so hard to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. It’s like every little thing someone says hurts me and digs in. It keeps burrowing under my skin building until I just can’t take it anymore and I know I don’t hide it that well but no one notices. I’ve tried to kill myself before and I take medication and I tell my mom that I just feel empty, but all […]
I was getting better, but I can feel myself slipping again. I feel worthless. I don’t want to feel like this anymore
I haven’t been on here in a while. I have had some up and downs. I’m thinking very strongly about this still. I’ve been seeing a counselor, I’m taking medication, I’ve done everything on my own to try and feel better, reach out… I will be sending my son to visit his dad in Aug. I think if by then I still feel the same, that will be the time to do it. I will have a few rough patches I know, things are still changing for me. Change can be good, and usually in my case, I’m ready for it when it comes around. I […]
I can’t feel anything I’m so numb and depressed I go from okay to this every hour or so my thoughts hit me like bricks and my anxiety keeps it coming
I’ve been doing pretty good with handling my emotions lately, that was until yesterday. I could feel the depression slowly start to smother me again in it’s natural repetitious state. I managed to get through work with only one break down. I work with a bunch of men (being one myself) so I’m always having to mask my emotions and depression at work. Sometimes it’s easy, and other times it’s really hard to do. I mask my depression and emotions at work because I don’t think they would understand, and I don’t want people to either feel sorry for me, think of me differently and […]
being a human is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to be. And i don’t feel like myself anymore. And i’m so sad it hurts
i wish someone would help
I’m working on a story and though I’ve experienced dark days and depression I haven’t experienced the overwhelming darkness for weeks/months/years. How do I explain it in the story? What does it feel like? What does it look like? Smells? Sounds? Analogies? How do others perceive you?
aj@merlynsquill.com
Perhaps it was the ghostly feel of it all as I walked the streets. Perhaps it was the guy who had the sign “help I’ve disappeared”. I looked in the mirror once again. The traffic, the people, the buildings all belonged in a different dimension. I was in a dream, I was in a nightmare, I was in my life. Hello, I said but was ignored. Don’t they know I’m here, scream, you must scream. Scurry, scurry, they can’t feel you but you want their attention. Couples walk hand and hand, a man smokes a joint, another person screams at everyone and everything – she […]
I havent been on here for almost a year, I wish i could say im a better person. The loneliness got so bad I actually decided to force myself to go to school. I lasted several monthes until I got so miserable I went back on independent study. I cant for the life of me understand why im so fucked in the head, in the time at school I actually made some friends. But of course, they slip through my fingers once I went on independent study. I did gain one thing from my time there, i met a girl. A beautiful mexican girl, we […]
I go to school and get called a ***** and a slut by some guy then I also have his friend threatening to punch me. This makes me feel like shit. Like I came home and cried. I dont want to go to school but yet home isn’t better. My mom is in a bad mood and she’s acting like a biych. She’s the one who said she’s a *****. Just repeating her. But she’s taking it out on me and making me feel like shit. Can I please just have a break..? Guess not..
anyone else ever get that mental fog… where you feel so out of it almost, but not in a good way? and you kinda feel like nothing is real, that everything going on is not really happening? -and you’re not all there?… i feel that way right now, and it’s messing me up. i wonder if anyone here can tell me what i suffer from, so i can have a name for it. because it bothers me not to know…
i feel so lowly and depressed. and dammit, i told myself i wouldn’t cry today…
When the narcotics… The pills. .. Anything mind altering is gone..is when I feel everything the most.. I’m 20.. I’m a addict…I had previous problems before mentally all that I already posted on it….
I’ve noticed… I still feel like dieing when I’m high and I still attempt. But I find my self sober being maybe more successful in the near future… Drugs make me feel numb.. I no that. Mind altering and blah blah. I just want to stay high all the time. To like literally keep shit off my mind. But its getting more and more intence… I can feel it coming soon. I […]