I was twelve-years-old when I had my first thought about ending my life. I do not think that there was a specific event that triggered it. I think it was just an accumulation of many different events and circumstances that left me feeling helpless and completely out-of-tune to the world and my life. I did not have many close friends in school, and my family always seemed to jostle me back and forth with their demands and expectations. People saw me, but it did not feel like people took the moment to look back and actually acknowledge me and get to know me. As I […]
Tag:
feels
I feel like I always fall short no matter what. Skills? Nope, so and so is better at this and so and so is better at that. I have nothing that I excel at. I’ve tried to meet my parent’s excpectations for 12 years. All my hope is dripping away slowly everyday. No body needs me. My family has my perfect little brother, my friends have their friends. After all, I’m just a tiny speck out of a few billion people. I don’t feel like anybody cares about me, but then I could be mistaken. So far, the only reason that’s kept me alive is […]
Everyday seems to blur by in a nonsensical motion that keeps me forever sick and tired. With each passing, I come to the realization that this life isn’t good enough. Living is just not good enough. It’s been that way for years now.
I can’t grasp as to why no one around me feels this way.
I see all these drunken smiles float by, while I still let myself believe my feet are firmly on the ground. I know they’re not. I feel myself falling more and more. I think of killing myself everyday now. My razor is always close by. I just want to […]
I hate living ,its so horrible and lots of problems ,how hard is heart feels. You love someone for live life along but are the once who sucks you most. Why you love some one ? to take of you but they act like animals and selfish . I never want to born again
These past few days I’ve been so different. I’ve been getting really irritated. I can just snap easily. Whenever I’m like this I feel like I have no control and that the person I used to be is long gone. It feels like the voices took over and I’m long gone. It’s so hard to explain. I’m a totally different person.
The other night, as I laid in bed, I started saying some prayers and I started talking to mom and while I spoke I felt evil. I felt like I was gone. Like the girl that I used to be didn’t exist anymore. I don’t know […]
I thought about suicide again today. The pill bottle was in my reach. All I had to do was grab it and walk to my room, but I didn’t. While I was walking by all I could think was “Life is worth living. You have to live.” Now I know I should have done it. The pain I feel everyday is like a whole getting bigger and bigger. It feels like someone is scraping the inside of my chest out. I just get so angry and I try to calm down. There is this method my Mom told me about. She always said “Count to […]
The air suffocates me, room feels like a prison, city – like a cattle-pen. Any form of entertainment does not fill heart like it used to, it merely makes me forget my misery for a bit. And when I am alone – I can’t escape thought of suicide. No one have to love me. But still, I hoped that someone would. I tried to be a best person I could, but that was obviously not enough. I have a plan of easy death, still need some tests, though, to do it right. To avoid more pain, to avoid failure. But the plan calms me. I […]
So at work yesterday just before I left for my other job, my mom tries to reach me after not speaking for over a year since her mom (my grandmother) passed away. Ultimately she said she had been afraid to tell me sooner, was sorry for her mistakes, and doesn’t believe anymore that I stole anything. Her husband (not my dad btw) passed away suddenly last fall and her last dog has been sick for a year and will be put down today. I feel bad for her and she feels bad for what I’ve been through too. I also braved it and asked the […]
Its been a while since I have made a post, but here I am again.
I hate the way the regrets keep piling up, it’s just feels suffocating, and every time I replay the situations over and over again until I break. Every time it just makes me want to run away to a place where no one knows me.
I’m tired of being alive.
I’m tired of trying to breathe in this suffocating world.
I just want to die.
Every single fucking time its the same thing and the same feelings.
It just takes some small insignificant thing to set me off.
Why the hell was I ever born.
Every since i was little i have had this feeling of something being missing or broken inside. Elementary school was okay because i wasn’t self aware enough to understand what i felt. I cried every day of middle school because i was weird poor and ugly and everybody i liked hated me. Writing that sounds so over dramatic but i think thats one of my problems too. I feel things so deeply. I dont know if its deeper than others but love and hate and sadness consume me when i feel them. I start operating off feelings and logic goes out the window. High school […]
I have somethings to say before I go.
my life is not a sad story, no big loss(except my drug addict father, no big harm), no love story, no being poor, no child working, no lack of attention, no lack of caring people around me, no lack of friends, etc…
and I don’t exactly know why I’m heading this road since I remember.
I’ve lost my believe in Allah (muslims’ god) and then any form of god by the beginning of highschool, my father left me and my mom a year after, spending his Shit money on the drugs; we were waste of money and […]
I Dont know what to do anymore my life’s fucked no one cares about me and they say they do but it’s all lies! I’m a 15 yr old girl and I get used all the time boys use me say they love me then do stuff with me and dump me I want to start valueing myself more buy all I ever think is why would anyone want to b with me they can do better an that’s because I hate myself · I was really close with my nan and grandad and they got put into a care home recently an I feel […]
Just watching the sand trickle down the glass. Feels like time is short. I’m not afraid anymore. There’s not even any anticipation. Just a feeling of inevitable fact. Like punching in on a time clock, knowing you’ll be punching out on that same time clock shortly. Just a perpetual circle that is fated to be broken. Maybe I will be back, maybe I won’t. Either way, will it even matter. Going to try to ride out the next few days and attempt to ignore the eternal fishing pole that is calling my name. It’s getting harder and harder to drown out and I know I’ll […]
I’m sorry, my baby…. I’m sorry that I feel this way. That I feel like you don’t love me anymore. I’m sorry that I still want to kill myself because I feel so inadequate. I’m sorry, my love. I’m sorry that I was never good enough for you. I’m sorry that I haven’t made as big of an impact on your life as you try to tell me I have. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up. I’m sorry that I’m not good for you. I’m sorry you still can’t see that. I’m sorry that I’m clingy, that I’m possessive. I’m sorry that I can’t wait […]
So this morning I woke up, shaking and I couldn’t breathe. In my head I was telling myself “Your okay, your okay, why are you being so dramatic?!” and I couldn’t stop shaking. Breathing became extremely hard. I couldn’t move. I felt trapped and honestly, every time I have a panic attack I feel like i’m in hell or being buried alive. It feels like I’m dying, it feels like I’m being attacked. It feels like I am going to die. It’s terrifying, and I can’t do anything about it.
I’m stuck and I can’t seem to pull myself together. Each day I wake up it’s a gamble. I never feel happy, it’s either thoughts of suicide and tears or just being idle.
I miss the place when I was the life of the party. I used to feel great. I had friends and did many activities.
I have always had a void inside myself and filled it with things. From a boyfriend, shopping, working and even drugs. The past year that void feels like a gun shot in my soul and all the things that filled it don’t work anymore.
I feel empty and broken. I was […]
Simply put I’m not a well man (mentally)
I’m a psychopath point blank.
I’m no killer or anything but I can’t honestly say I won’t be in the future.
I wish I had an ability to empathize with people on an emotional level but I simply cannot.
I wish I were not a coward who shrinks at life but I am.
I wish I did not have a sexuality that bounces around more than a basketball at an NBA game but I do.
I wish that I could generate my own ego functions like an emotionally healthy individual would but I cannot.
I wish my mind was not warped but it is.
They […]
Im done. I just dont have the courage to end it and it frustrates me. I am just numb to the world and every day that passes just makes me feel less human and more numb. I am lonely but seem stuck this way as i seem unable to connect to anyone even at the most basic level. Socializing seems so foreign, it feels fake. I am tired. I was raised catholic and any faith i had has long since eroded. I wish it were just this one thing but it is not. It is a million tiny little things that just tells me i […]
I get a lot out of this website. I remember during my darkest years I never wanted to talk about suicide with anyone even though it was the only thing on my mind. I never wanted to talk to them because I felt like their first reaction would be to talk me out of it. I’m not at all angry at them for reacting this way. I know they loved me and they didn’t want to lose me but I never wanted to talk about suicide because….I don’t know. Maybe because they would never see it as an option. Because they would have their own agenda. […]
this has become ridiculous, im not sad anymore im just angry.. why must i bare the burden and fall apart while he roams the night…
i am dreadfully tired of explaining time and time again why i am angry, WHY CANT YOU SEE?! its YOU, its always ever gonna be you. i love you with all that i am, you are my family, my world, my everything, youre all i have left in this life so imagine my disappointment when i hear on more than one occassion from the people in your life that i should watch out for you the most, that youre my greatest […]