Im 17 years old, male, in a small town. My parents have been fighting non stop for what feels like since I was a little kid. i dont know what to do. im lost in what direction i should go, i need to get out of here, my home feels like a prison in which the guards are all holding guns to my head and im begging them to pull the trigger, i cant stay with friends, and my closest family lives one city over 300 miles away. i want it to end and death means i dont need to feel anything ever again…ever.
“I loved you. I still do.” Tears run down her face and drop from her cheeks. She looks at the lifeless body, the closed eyes and takes one hand, as she used to. It feels cold and limp. “Do you remember as a child, when you came running towards me, jumped on my lap and gave me long hugs whenever I wasn’t feeling well? Now, when I need you the most, you are not even here to hold my hands.” Her voice was weak and she stuttered, but she knew he could hear her. It was then when she noticed how peaceful he looked, as […]
So, if you read my previous post, “A New Low”, you’ll understand the title and the following post.
So, I wasn’t fired from my job. Instead, they have decided to make my life so unbearably miserable that I want to quit. Today, literally, no one spoke to me. I would initiate conversation or ask a question and no one would respond. Unless I died and I just haven’t realized it, I would think that the least people could do is answer questions so that I could go about doing my miserable job. If i’m wrong, by all means, please point it out. I’m not being provided […]
I feel like I’m constantly lying to prevent anyone knowing how I really feel. I feel like a failure and don’t know how to start again. I wish I used my past opportunities better, but this horrible depression feels so debilitating that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. No one knows I want to kill myself. Suicide, Â it’s always in the back of my mind like a comfort, that if things get worse I can always get out of this life. My life has become that trivial to me now, that the thought of dying is a comfort.
I feel like, i’m the only one that feels like he’s being tested.
I feel like, this world is so absurdly fucked up, how could this be the real thing?
How can we expect to ever live in TRUE peace and harmony, if this world is a result of humans putting their heads together?
How can this world/life/dimension or whatever, be possibly real?
I’m no religious fella, or floaty supernatural type, Â but if this is it then i really, really hope there’s life after death.
Because how can a person that has “woken up” freely waddle carelessly through all these working slaves we see as people?
I’m not sure if i’m […]
It’s been while since last post. I have been trying to keep myself a little hope that everything goes better but it is just fucking big lie. I dont know anymore who I am . Feels just whole time that this is a nightmare. Back in time I was very socially but now just shy and most likely I just want to be in home where I am safe but same time afraid. when i look outside of window for people’s talking each other or running all over the places i Think how they survives whit black in their mind’s and why i just get […]
this is me. ive changed so much learned so much. been through so much. ive tried more suicide attempts than i can actually count. everyone goes through shit. everyone feels like theres nothing left in life. but thats okay. everyone is stronger than they think. and thats why ive been on this site for 2 years, come so close to death a few times. but maybe im still here for a reason? were still here for a reason. sadly, life’s complications push you down, […]
How am I?
Funny how no one really asks you that question because they assume that you are fine when in reality you are breaking and crumbling every day and no one notices.
Weird how the fact that, that I’m the first person to ask How I am in some time.
How am I?
Broken.
Shattered.
In pain.
I get more nervous now so I bite my lip, but sometimes it makes it bleed.
I lick my lips a lot more too to try and calm myself down, but sometimes it doesn’t work.
I breathe faster now trying to control my anxiousness around triggers.
Normally […]
When I look in the mirror,
I don’t see me
I see failure and no beauty,
I see ugliness and sorrow
I used to be so happy
A bubbly joyful girl
I used to be excited for school and my friends
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Now I dread seeing myself
I fear breakfast and tea
I know my friends watch me
To make sure that I eat
They scan my arms everyday
Checking for new cuts
Their faces falling at the sight of crusted blood
I know they’re disappointed
I see it in their eyes
Some seem to understand
Some over-react
Some look disgusted when I show them the scars
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Long sleeve t-shirts are the new ‘in thing’ for me
Jeans with pockets to hide my fingers
Rough […]
On Thursday, I was discharged by the ‘Home Treatment’ people at the hospital after a month of getting my meds changed. Took me off the Zopiclone and Citalopram and switched to Tradazone.  I still get to take Lorazepam.
On Saturday I got my discharge papers through the post. I study them and see they have given me a new label.
Now they say I have an ‘Unstable Personality Disorder.’ I look it up online and that equals Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Before that they told me I had a SchizoAffective Disorder. Before that Psycotic Depressive. Before that Schizophrenic. Before that and before that I lose track. I know mental […]
I guess life never was that lively after all.
Everything feels so strained and useless.
I drag dulling razors over my skin, just for a taste of existance. Just to fucking feel. I need to know I’m still alive. I’m breathing but decomposing inside. I cannot see any point anymore. Better off taking some asprin and cutting in the bath. Because I’m completely over all this. I’m over blood clots, I’m over this numb base line seeping farther and farther each night, I’m so fucking over all of it.
… how much I hurt my ex, I feel suicidal.
I feel like if I were dead that things would be better. Yes, I know this is irrational… but, some part of me feels that if I didn’t exist anymore, that she wouldn’t be sad about me not being with her.
::sigh::
It’s  almost to a point where I wish I was dead just to end the nothing. The deadness inside. So much pain. Pain is all thats left. Pain and more pain. I cling to the pain like a life raft. I’ve shut out to feeling anything else. Its like being colorblind. More like LSD. Pain is like LSD. The colors are brighter more vibrant when tinged in LSD or pain. Every other feeling is like normalcy. It feels dull. The world just isn’t as vibrant. Happiness doesn’t feel as happy. Its tinged. It feels like the difference between color TV and black and white. It’s […]
I cut because I want to feel. I want to feel the sting of the blade, and then you know how you’re arm feels limp and dead for a little? I enjoy that. I like running my fingers over my cuts, and feeling the bumps along the way down. I don’t cut my wrists; I cut my upper arm. My upper arm is like a journal now, telling stories of my pain, anxiety, and frustrations. I started cutting about a week ago, and I’ve already lost count of my cuts. I hate to say it, but you know when you read that some people get […]
Nice to meet you. Or really, everyone on Suicide Project. I have been reading several stories for the past few days, and… I love this place. It’s a place where we suicidals can tell what is going on in our dark, lonely, minds. We suffer mentally, really. We are doing so much wrong, but it feels do damn comfortable. Well, this sounds like quite a thing you guys have here. I’m Poison. This world has me going mad; to the extent of cutting my own damned skin! Anyone else really tired and sick of society’s crap? Cause then you are welcomed to be my friend. […]
She is 20 years old. She is an Italian & African-American Female.
She goes to school full-time. She she has no time for a job.
She is TRYING the BEST she can to make something of herself, to make a living for herself, so she can live comfortably above the poverty line that her & her family have been stuck in for years.
But she is tired.
She’s looked for God and she believes she found him. She’s seen him in her dreams, she’s seen him hide in nature, she feels him when the sun comes up. Crazy as it sounds, she believes he is all around, and she […]
I’m alone. and maybe it’s better this way. I told the guy I’ve been in love with for almost a year now. to leave me alone. I’ve isolated myself from my family. I can’t even find the strength to get up and go to school for the last two days. I don’t want to go back on anti depressants. but I don’t know how to be okay right now. a part of me feels like it’s missing. I said things I didn’t mean but I know they were better to say then try make people understand the truth.
i still don’t want to live. i still […]
how good moments before sleep feels. i feel like finally its ending, finally i’m going to be unconscious. i feel like tomorrow is gonna be totally different; i’m gonna be totally different. actually i feel glad that tomorrow is not gonna be ‘me’, it will be somebody else who will wake up and face all the struggles. me is ending today. its almost like suicide, only there is no fear or selfishness attached because of trust. and yet its me who wakes up again, with all the same sameness. do i anymore belong here? is this a new escape trick my mind is playing?
Why cant they just understand, just listen to me and how this feels
You dont have to deal with this so you cant fully understand but can you at least try?
Stop telling me to JUST BE HAPPY
Beacuse i want to be happy on my own without the pills but right now i cant
Just please try to unserstand, please im begging……..
I feel like I’m losing you but you’re not even mine.
You’re going far away from me and I can’t reach you. Not even a little.
You’re the sun. And I’m the moon. 
When you’re up I’m down.
And it feels like dying. It feels like hell. 
I guess, I need to let you go away.