All i remember from my childhood is fighting. There was so much hatred in my family…in elementary school my parents got so bad i was scared i’d come home and my dad would be dead. He used to threaten it all the time. I remember things getting broken and walls being punched along with windows. My mom would constantly take me and my siblings away and threaten to not come back we’d stay at her best friends house but i began to get absolutely sick of it in 6th grade my parents were arguing so bad my dad walked to my brothers elementary school and […]
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fighting
I’ve been extremely tired all day. All i’ve wanted to do is sleep. Sleep and not wake up. Just dream the night away. If it happens to be a nightmare…it’s okay because i’ve master lucid dreams. But it’s 1:25AM and I’m wide awake. The part before drifting away to the dream state is the hardest for me. It’s when all these thoughts come to my mind. All these people that have hurt me. All the words I’ve been told. All this negativity I seem to reminisce about. I want it all to go away! I hate hurting because of all the BS i’ve caused myself. […]
What in the -Before I get into this, be warned, I am very vulgar- endless cosmic cluster fuck happened to SP? I mean, seriously? It seems after the visual change everyone just kinda changed into argumentative assholes. Well not everyone, but anyway, it seems as though this place has turned into a war zone. It usually hasn’t been like this (Since I found this site a few months ago), except for a few disagreements here and there. But it almost never got like this. But alas, fighting is in human nature. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention; Like I said before, I found this site months ago and […]
Im 17 years old, male, in a small town. My parents have been fighting non stop for what feels like since I was a little kid. i dont know what to do. im lost in what direction i should go, i need to get out of here, my home feels like a prison in which the guards are all holding guns to my head and im begging them to pull the trigger, i cant stay with friends, and my closest family lives one city over 300 miles away. i want it to end and death means i dont need to feel anything ever again…ever.
my dad and i got in a fight last night about my Spanish grade. i told him keeping my grades up is hard because i get stressed. he yelled at me for having a low tolerance for stress. he said to me back when i was a kid i can handle all you go through and more. but he never had to go through what i do. feeling worthless and stressed all the time, being picked on for being different, getting yelled at every night by a drunken asshole because he wants me to feel bad about myself. i used to like myself when i […]
Today as been one off the best days I’ve had in months so far I feel there is hope for me I can give so much to this world. my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) don’t know if you have them in the us? but in the uk we do. Well he said that I will be starting counselling next week I’ve been waiting for this for months as they have  a very long waiting list in my area where I live. I still feel down I still fell like ending it. but it is less today then it as been its mead me think my […]
I watch, with dry eyes, as my freedom, my one true escape from despair, burns before me. The fire roars and crackles, spitting out white sparks wildly and furiously. I feel my eyes turn pink and my skin dry and tighten as the remaining happiness lifts from my body, like the heat rises from the flame. I try to grasp my freedom, and save it from the torturous fire but my fingers blister and burn with the slightest touch.
Why must this happen to us? Instead of being strong and fighting for my freedom, like the majority of others, I give up after the first […]
like fighting fire with fire
I love this song. Always on repeat when I’m in one of my bad moods. (He swears, so if you’re offended by that then look away :P)
stop.
why can’t I stop playing this in-between. I’m not getting any better, I CAN’T get any better until certain things happen that just aren’t happening, that are out of my reach. And I can’t end it either. Why the fuck can’t I just do one or the other?
NO it’s not a matter of positive thinking. NO it’s not like I don’t know what I need. I know what I need and I can’t fucking GET it. That’s the problem. Why don’t I just MAKE the attempt so that they HAVE to listen?
No, I’m not making it up. No, doing fucking yoga isn’t going to help. […]
Maybe means I don’t know
Maybe means I think I’m giving up
Maybe means somewhere deep inside I’m still fighting
Maybe means yes
Maybe means no
Maybe means goodbye
Maybe means hello
Maybe means everything
I didn’t kill myself today, no thanks to you. I survived today and everyday before leading up to today on my own. I did that for you. I know you want me to be here, even if I don’t. But if it’s so important to you that I be here, even if I’m in pain, even if every minute is a struggle, maybe you could stop fighting for the other side? It’s hard enough to fight this on my own, by myself. Having to do it in spite of you only makes it harder. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this, […]
have you ever noticed that we suffer only when we know that “We” are suffering. you wanna own suffering, just like you wanna own anything else. oh this feeling of existing, of being alive is great, so tempting that one is ready to give his life for it. oh the lust of life! in me these two desires keep fighting simultaneously – to get into life (and thus suffer) and to get out of it. i have no reason to choose the former one, not a single reason, and yet somehow that lust is so much that i give in to it. i know a […]
suicide is not easy, and it is not cowardly. cowards may commit suicide to get out of the trouble, but for the majority its hard, scary and the final option….hopefully painless. I give up.  I am so very tired. Life just isn’t worth fighting for any more. Tired of being a victim. No matter how I fight back I just keep loosing. Keep getting pushed back and down.  I was sexually abused as a child….lots of therapy …..oh, I forgot, I am supposed to be a survivor. the wicked never rest and no rest for the weary.  These bits and pieces may not make too much sense, but wanted to put […]
Note the sarcasm in that post? Yeah. Loaded.
I am bringing him up on workplace harassment charges. Today I learned, in addition to him calling me a dumbass in front of everyone, that he’s been telling the guys I work with that he and I were VERY intimate. Uh, no. Never happened. Not even close. So now I know why I few of the guys are being suspiciously nice, and why the one very religious guy almost literally runs away at the mere sight of my face. Let’s make this clear, I’m a virgin, not a goddamn whore. I get promoted because I work my ass […]
She Is….
Stumbling through the corridors,
Banging on the walls,
Everything’s so big
‘Why am I so small?’
Curled in the corners,
Rolling ‘cross the floor
‘Where are the lights?’
Learning to crawl.
She’s rocking on the landing,
Dancing not to bore,
Smiling at the ceiling,
Hiding behind the door.
Fighting in the darkness,
Drowning in the scorn,
Laughing at the lampshades,
Dying as she’s born.
Lurking in the cupboard,
Screaming in the hall,
Listening to the echos,
Company for us all.
Choking in the silence,
Shadows on the wall,
Spitting at the owners,
Smiling at their calls.
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/To-Write-Love-On-Her-Arms-Time-Will-Fade.mp3
Dishing like the wishing well
Granting wishes but wishes never granted
It’s all i’m taken for
A ride through hell and back
To reality – I hope this isn’t some kind of spell
Binding pain keeps me trapped inside
Out of the frying pan and into the
Ready, aim , fire!
The smoke burns my eyes
Wide open spaces hold me captive
Audiences can’t turn their heads from the fight
To the finish! I run until my legs are broken
Hearts sinking, eyes flooded with tears
Blood and sweat […]
wow, i just stumbled upon this site… amazing… i’ve struggled with suicide since i was a child. i’m 23 now. and i’ve been planning to finally succeed this weekend. just getting things in order, getting my paycheck on friday so i can buy what i need. i thought i was a freak of nature, a psycho, and now i know i’m not alone…
i feel so awful for the pain i know i will cause my family and loved ones, but i literally cannot bear this anymore. i live in torment, i have no reason to be unhappy, my life has not been unpleasant and i […]
My mom doesn’t understand that she is only making things worse for me. She says she’s going to get me counseling and that I need to talk to someone about God. I just want her to listen and accept me without trying to force religion on me. I do believe there is a god, but I have questions. However, who doesn’t? She screams and yells at me for things she doesn’t even understand herself. She tells me that I need to talk to someone. Well, the only person I want to reach out to and tell them why I am the way I am is […]
A little about myself.
I’m a 24 year old male from the UK, and I have suffered with depression on an official basis since 2009 after a failed suicide attempt, it began in 2005 I think. I work in food retail (Don’t do it, it’ll make you want to kill people). And I’ve done it for over 5 years.
But what about the title I see you ask, why “Fight or Flight?”
Because I feel it’s the only two choices I’ve got left. See recently I returned to the workplace which was a huge contributing factor to my mental break down I had back in December 2013, the […]
Theres an asshole in my school that’s pushing buttons that he shouldn’t push. First, he jokes about Death, asking one of my closest friends if she wants to die and trying to convince her that she wants too. Then he starts insulting cutters, when one of his friends and many of my friends cut. None he says that the stage is where I dahlias be, not answering a call that informs me that my friend has gone back into a coma. The ONLY thing saving this ass kisser is that the show is next Friday and Saturday.
Then, we will fight. My background makes most boys […]