I’m stuck. In my head. I can’t
I don’t
Help me
My words are choking me
I want to get out
I’m afraid and hurt and so fucking angry
and I don’t know why
I don’t want to hurt them anymore
Every time I bleed, they cry. When I drink, they scream.
Am I hurting them by trying to help myself?
Is what I do wrong? I can’t deal with anything and the things that help me cope bring so much pain to those around me.
Should I suffer to save them from myself?
Who will save me?
Am I even worth it?
So I was in my orchestra class yesterday. I was talking to my friend. And I pretended to shoot myself. He grabbed my “gun” and said playfully that he would never let that happen. This kid that I’ve had a crush on since the first day of Freshman year turns around and looks at me, then looks at my friend, and says, “She wants to kill herself?” and kind of gives me this look like he might know what’s up (which he probably wouldn’t).
I’m just sitting there like, ‘shut! up! shut! up! shutupshutupshutup!!!!!!!’
And I wanted to scream ‘YES I’M FUCKING SUICIDAL!!!’
…
So I just kind of sat there and […]
Hello, I’m portuguese, I’m fourteen years old, and I have pretty much whatever a fourteen-year-old kid would want: I have a PlayStation, a PSP, my own laptop, but I still feel like I have nothing.
My parents had a divorce when I was just eight years old, so my mum is allways saying bad things abou my dad, but on the few times, that my dad calls me, to ask if I want to go lunch with him, he never says anything bad about my mum, and that really makes me angry with my mum.
But I don’t think that it was it that makes me feel […]
I don’t really try to be. It fucking sucks that I have to be around people who usually would make me feel better, and not feel better.
Wednesday I decided to do what most of you told me to do, travel. I went out, got a boat ticket, and went to Puerto Rico. No hotels, no houses, no other people.Just me and my car. I was having the time of my life speeding in the hills and going round corners like a mad man until i heard 3 loud bangs and the engine turned off…. when i lifted my bonnet up my engine was fried, my battery was soaked in yellow liquid, and my exhaust was cracked…. The one thing i looked after in this world was dead….. I had to wait […]
Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything because since March I have been trying to find ways to get by. I’ve used every goddamn coping skill you could think of. All of them and sure they relieve how I feel but it doesnt change it in the long run. I was stupid when I tried to die. I was supposed to jump. That was my plan initially, but I got fucking scared of being stopped, being seen, so I found an alternative. I should’ve known it wouldn’t work. I should’ve thought of what would happen afterwards. I admit since going to the hospital I enjoy […]
I don’t really talk much about my suicide attempt but when I do, I get choked up and cry. She didn’t know much about it but today, at her house she happened to be looking through my blog and read what I wrote on my day back from the hospital. I couldn’t even look at her. She held me as I cried, and she did nothing but hold me for a while. I don’t know how she does it. How she can be around me, someone so broken and torn between life and death all the time, and still manage to fucking smile. How she […]
As you know I have a very rich grandmother who is quite snobby and verbally abused me when i was a child. Last week I was talking to her on the phone and my plan had slipped out and i told her by mistake.. She tried long and far to stop me but i said no to everything… For some fucking stupid reason she decided to give me a mil to enjoy before I pass away…I now this would sound really fake to the average person but i don’t care if you believe me or not. All that matters is what should i do with […]
As of right now, I’m at the bottom of the pit. If you look at my charts, I should be doing okay. But I feel so utterly depressed. I haven’t smoked weed or cigarettes in a month, and I’m not abusing my medicine. I’m also seeing a therapist and have hung out with my friends more often. Well, my clean friends that is.
Of course there’s a dark side though. I started drinking again. It’s not a lot, but I know it’s not good for me. Honestly though, if I don’t have a piece of the old me, I fear I’ll go insane. The thing is, […]
Here I am
Here to stay
Fucking happy night and day
Your words mean nothing
Effecting me in no way
Because I am me
I am here to stay
Bully me yeah…that’s okay
I don’t listen anyway
You are big…
I’m not afraid
You Bully me
Call me gay
Hell yeah I’m gay
Gleeful everyday
You pick on me…if I do say
you’ll get it back soon one day
Yeah I’m a nerd
that’s all I get
that’s considered a compliment
I’m not like you an idiot
But do your worse
I am up for it
In conclusion
And in the end
Here I am
And dammit […]
I fucking hate my life. So I shit around, help other people with their lives in order to forget about my fucked up life… I know that won’t change anything, but I hate my life. I loathe it. I want to give up. I want to fucking give up everything. I can’t decide nor choose anything in my life. It’s all fucking manipulated by my parents even after highschool graduation. I hate living. I hate my family, I hate everything that is me. I just want to fucking kill myself. I a fucking useless shit infested with self-hatred. The judges won’t like me. I won’t […]
ive had a killer headache all day. even though my morning started off pretty good and ive had a low stress day i just feel like shit and dont feel good at all. it dosent help people asking me if im ok when they dont want to know the answer. dont ask me something if you dont want me to tell you the truth. you only like the happy, stoner, party side of me so dont try to get to know the real raw me no one sees. yea you used to know me but then what happened, you put me in a fucking mental […]
All the time I see these extravagant programs for Veterans with PTSD, or any other ailment they might have…
What about regular people…there are more non-militants in America that suffer from mental illnesses. About 1 in 3 to 1 in 4 adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder or disease in a given year. This amounts to about 70-80 million people out there alone and helpless. According to records, about 8% of American citizens will develop PTSD sometime during their lives. In 2005, 1.77 million American males committed suicide. 450,000 American females committed suicide.
There is little to no help for people in this situation, and I […]
You know what is just HILARIOUS? Please allow me to share.
What’s hilarious is when you are dating a guy and your guy best friend fucks your boyfriend.
What’s hilarious is when they both lie to you about it and hide it from you.
What is really fucking hilarious is when you find out, and your friend starts crying.
What’s even more hilarious is when you try to leave your boyfriend after it and do nothing but cry and cut the next week.
What is just fucking hysterical is when you have so much self hatred that you believe that no one could ever love you, and your now-ex is […]
i cant. everywhere i turn his name is mentioned or brought up. Everything reminds me of him. everyone knows him. i try to seperate myself but i cant. I LITERALLY CANNOT FORGET YOU. I loved him so much. I LOVE him so much. if i saw him idk what id do. id break down sobing. id run up to him and jump on him. id slap him and curse at him and let him know how much he hurt me. how much he is hurting me. i cant breathe when i think about him. i see pictures with him and his new girl on fb, […]
Well here goes nothing. the car is started and I’m taking the easy way. full tank of gas and airtight garage. I really loved life. I did. I had all the promise and every opportunity in front of me. But couldn’t stay away from drugs. been clean 3 years but a felon with a history of abuse is just a piece of societal garbage. I really am justired of failing.  I’m fucking scared. But I’m done. I hope I get another chance to do it right. I won’t waste it. What a pathetic way to go out, I just am not strong enough to  do […]
I’m so tired.
I’m tired of telling myself that my life worth living.
Just wait. Everything will be alright. You will survive.
But no.
I can’t take it. Not anymore.
I’m so tired of my mother.
“Don’t open your mouth you’re little stupid shit.” I’m sorry but I’m 18 I’m not little silly girl.
‘”You’re not going to achive anything in this life”. Okay.
”You’re fucking useless I’m so tired of you.” I’m sorry.
“I’m just worried about you and your future.” Hell no if you cared you wouldn’t say things that always let me down.
I’m just so t i r e d.
I agree with my mother, I know that I’m useless and […]
I just can’t do this anymore. My “life” is nothing but pain after pain. Please give me physical pain. Anything but this burtal self pity/ emotional bull crap i’m feeling right now! I hate this. I hate myself for feeling this!
I have come to a point where i just don’t know what’s left for me anymore. I’ve experienced things, that humans want to. I’ve loved  both mentally and physically and i’ve been brought up in one of the world’s greatest and most beautiful cities but … Why do i still feel like this? There’s only one conclusion and that is; i’m fucking selfish as hell!
As […]
I went to my old high school today. It was awful. I arrived and I couldn’t find anyone for a while so I just decided to randomly walk around the building for a while. I got made fun of for wearing my sunglasses indoors by some random dude (really? REALLY???) who apparently thought I was ‘trying to be cool’ (in reality I was just really fucking stoned… how sheltered are these people?)… I eventually ran into an old teacher of mine who found one of my old friends and I went to sit with her and two other visitors (apparently, she’s really popular??). I was […]
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