it means nothing to me anymore. no one means it. its just a game now. idk who to trust. i dont even believe daddy when he says it. and when i do beleive one guy….he leaves me for some other girl. she is ten times better than me too. no cuts on her arms, no hair in her face, a smile across her face and to top it off she is miss popular. why does this always happen to me? am i not ment to be loved? love is not a reason i want to die…its a reason i am so depressed. but i will […]
Tag:
Game
The dire need of feeling pain, my mind no longer being sane,
Deep down inside, I feel as if I’ve died,
With each breath, I wish a quick death,
As I lay on the ground, without a sound,
With a reach of my hand, I gave into my internal demands,
Raising it to shine in the light, it gleamed as evil as the night,
With a cry, tears fell from my eyes,
The need for pain was driving me insane.
Gripping the sharp metal tight, I pushed down with all my might,
The stinging sensation, fueled my temptations,
Line after line, far from fine,
Push came […]
This probably isn’t the place to ask this question, but if there’s anyone out there who’s happy to be alive, can you explain how? There’s so much suffering, pain and cruelty out there… Even if you’re not a victim, how can you be happy knowing that others are? Misery will always exist, humans will always hurt and abuse others, this whole game we call “life” is rigged with injustice, corruption and pain. Just look around you. I’m not necessarily saying we should all kill ourselves, but why do so many people embrace life like it’s a gift?
So my 20th birthday was a few days ago and things looked like they were starting to get better. Wasn’t feeling depressed, as much, and looking forward to a new college course which starts on the 27th of August. Also got back into football (soccer) and even got invited to join a couple of teams after impressing in a game. Well, I played in a game tonight and I was awful! Got beat 3-1 and all 3 goals were my fault. I’m a goalkeeper by the way. Doubt I’ll get asked back. Birthday night out was rubbish aswell! Basically people used it as an excuse […]
I was looking through my deviantart today and saw some old poetry I had worked on up to three years ago and realised that so much has changed, but at the same time, nothing had. I decided to put it here because I’d like to have it in one spot to look back on and remember how far I have come and it just feels right (probably sounds weird). They are in alphabetical order, not chronological and not all of them are suicidal as such (most were written before I realised what it was like to be suicidal), but they all are from the heart […]
I was a liar. Am a liar. It’s the sort of thing that you can’t really speak about in the past tense. It started when I was really young, in elementary school when my parents got divorced. I would lie to both parents to get what I wanted. And I would get what I wanted. They weren’t big things like an mp3 player or a new toy or something, just small things that weren’t very important, non tangible things like a play date or some sympathy; a hug. Then they got bigger and bigger. I would plan things out, these huge deceptions and falsities, as […]
You’re sitting at your desk, and you know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it, you’re gonna look […]
“Non playable character.” Or to be more accurate, an AI. An artificial intelligence, played by the game or computer itself. No personality. They’re only there to add little elements to the lives of everyone around it, perhaps to make their gaming more difficult or to allow them to open a new door. I am fully aware I just used a gaming metaphor, and now you know how much of a nerd I am. Not that I am a gamer girl or anything, the only game I’ve played in years is sims. I’m just an idiot kid out of high school with no friends, no skills, […]
It’s around 4:30am, I have work in a few hours, I wanted to make a post about how I’ve been thinking and thinking of people who came and went in and out of my life. Why have I always been overly attached to those people?
In middle school I dated a family friend’s son. I was with him for about 1 and a half year? I never  grew attached to him like I was gonna do with the next 3 upcoming men in my life. I did happen to love this kid, but it never actually cried and ache for him. After that was over, I […]
My grandparents were gonna let me see my dad in California before I go back to VA but he can’t afford to get me back in time for court, so again, not gonna see him. This game that’s been going on between them my whole life. So I have a choice. Go back to VA early with my sister or stay the rest of the summer here and go back when we were planning to-at the end of the summer. If I leave early, I know it will break my mom’s heart again and I’ll have to be with my grandparents longer. But if I […]
So cut my wrists & black my eyes so I can fall asleep tonight.
by _PrincessSin
written by _PrincessSin
I hope everyone who sees this reads it, I am no one special, I’m an 18 year old girl with so much baggage. When I was 15 I met this guy & at first I didn’t let him in didn’t trust him or love him, but at some point my guards came down & I let him in, September 27, 2009 was our day and it all ended after a year & a half. Imagine me vulnerable & alone. In love with someone who promised me the world. Said he fucking loved me forever and ever and always and eternity. Then one day he didn’t […]
Dez, it is time for education…
Heat Sensors, Cameras, etc, etc etc.. who is in charge of it
all? some retarded american female and male. useless bastards
that have sex all day long and poop. nothing divine nothing special.
Do not talk to me about heat sensors or any of that stuff.
i am the master of codes and hardware is simply not above
codes.
codes are below everything but it guides everything dez.
it is the quantum reality, at quantum reality, we spend pennies
to run tests dez, and tests suggest , this game is mine to win
yours to lose if you do not hire me into […]
today I feel incredibly weak. I’m trying to get on track by forcing myself to eat and work out and keep busy but today I feel like I’m staring at the finish line, hesitating to cross it.
Work is tedious, there’s too much of it, keeps me overly busy. Leaves me with large gaps of time to think about the idea of working and how stupid it is for me to be doing it considering that I want my life ended.
I think the same thing about my life; why bother, because I don’t want any of this? I don’t want to save my game, but just […]
I’m 15. I’m a female. And here’s a story that really changed me.
It was a sunny day. Me and my friend were excited so we went riding with our bikes around the block. Lame, I know. But we were only 10. Anyway, some of our classmates lived on that block. We were talking and riding when one of our classmates, Daisy, sees us and yells, “Come! Karina is here!” Karina is another one of our classmates and a close friend.
We went in and we saw that she was there with 4 guys. Let’s name them Tom, Bobby, Chris and Daisy’s brother, Matt. We thought […]
Ok my teacher went on a rant on how suicide is for selfish cowards. And I don’t understand how she can say this, yes its a bit selfish but I think its more selfish to make someone live when they have so much happens to them and they have been strong for so long don’t they understand there is only so far you can bend before you snap? Also how can they say its for cowards they have never had to pick up the blade, tie the knot, gag on the pills. They don’t know how much courage it takes to end your life to have the […]
all of this pain…it didnt just come alive inside of me. it brought on throughout the years. i remember myself being such a happy child. i remember loving life and i remember i hated thought of dying. then i got to 5th grade and thats when everything started to change. people started to make fun of me because of my weight and because i wasnt all that smart.6th grade was the worst. the kids in my class tricked me into thinking that this guy really liked me and after a while i started to really like him too. then they told me that he never liked me […]
That’s it. I said I’d wait a month before I made a decision, and I did just that. But now the time has come and the decision has been made. No more strings attached. No more saying goodbye and no more lies.
I have the date and, my method is a sure fire. I can’t afford to screw it up this time around. Besides I doubt I’ll get another chance like this…i hope the people around me who actually gave a damn can forgive me one day, but i figure that I’m doing them more of a favor this way then by sticking around. I’m not […]
You come from a family that throws the word love around like it is going out of style. Hugs and kisses aplenty. Very stable as far as emotional content. Ah but there is not always food. You have to attend school in rags. Your friends enjoy their toys and games but you have little or none. Not because they lack, but to teach you independence. To teach you discipline. To teach you responsibility.
Oh and when you are attacked an abused on multiple occasions over several years, you are told to suck it up and man up about it. Because you are a boy and not […]
Hold back your teardrops
Don’t cry on me
I can’t be so numb with you here
My emotions rise up insensibly
Understand that I’m gone
I’m dead but my heart still beats
And my lungs still breath
Understand that Death has won
Don’t care for me
I can’t be saved
Don’t ruin yourself over me
You can’t reach me beyond this grave
I hate to see you suffer
The one person I would live for
But it’s too late
If only you’d come four years earlier
Then we could have shown the world
We could have beat the odds
We would have owned the world
They would have been […]
This was posted on Tumblr but I felt like it was worth sharing on here:
You’re sitting at your desk, and you know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, […]