This past weekend seemed miserable much of the time but later last night i had another good moment and talk with the guy I love. Im trying not to takke it personally. So he doesnt believe I’m really attracted to him because I’m the only person who is and he feels shitty about himself for being fat. He has a lot against being fat, and is stuck on society’s opinions of stick thin equals beauty. So he showed me pictures of himself when he was 200 lbs vs being 290-300 as I’ve known him. He does look a bit different but hes still amazingly gorgeous […]
I really wish I could talk about this with anybody, but I know it’s not a good idea. It never was. It will never be. Empathy and caring are just fantasies or lies people tell you to make you feel you are living a better life.
I see people of my same age around me that excel at one thing, or even more. They can do whatever they like. And then there I am, a good for nothing fuck. Every time I try something, I fail. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just never meant to be. I could write a book with a list of […]
just posted my happy, hopeful goodbye letter this morning. i knew it wouldn’t be so easy. to be positive and live happy, that is. already crying, hopeless. sucks. good night
Or maybe I just need to drive my car into that tree off of the highway.
Nothing feels good anymore
When I’m wrong leaving pieces where they should be
I left high school because I was having social issues then I decided to go to Lincoln tech so I could get a good job and not be a looser and I end up getting a 3.0 at the cost of having two guys try to fight me and another pouring a soda over my head I start a job… Hate it conditions are terrible switch fields get lied to on a daily basis about advancement opportunities that don’t exist I meet a beautiful stripper by the name of Mandy real name Tiffany we texted a lot and I felt she may have been playing […]
This is my current muddled understanding of my situation.
A part of my brain (we’ll call it the emotional part) constantly tells me that something is wrong. I am not what I should be. I do not relate well socially. I do not have social status. I do not have real friends. I do not have a mate. I do not have children. I do not anticipate this changing. This is a problem, apparently.
Why is this a problem? The only reasons I can give are evolutionary – that my brain is a product of a process that elevates those who can maintain good social standing, relate […]
Three months ago I sold my house. It was a perfect house and I was able to make the payments. I struggled for 7 years since my divorce to stay in the house. I filed bankruptcy. Finally last August I came out of that bankruptcy and started living life. My girlfriend urged me to sell my house. Telling me I would be better off with out it. Lower my expenses and finally be able to move in with her. I wanted to have financial security in my life and finally with two good incomes I could have that. The catch was that I could not […]
I wanted to kill myself this coming Friday. But then I got this email offering me some work. I don’t like to let people down. the work is scheduled for the Monday after my planned Friday. And I have all this “hope” inside that I can make things better, That should be a good thing, but I’m scared. I’ve gone through this cycle so many times. And after hope comes despair again. So many times have I decided on suicide but then decided against it only to come back to it again. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.
Im a couple months away from being 30 and i have felt like dying every single day since I was 12 years old. I remember the exact day i realized i didnt want to live. I have friends, i date, i have things im passionate about, a good job. Nothing traumatic happened to me in my youth. I just dont have whatever biological imperative that makes people want to live. My closest friends and mother know about it. My mom is the reason i havent, ive begged her to let me go. I dont want to transfer my pain to her, i want her to […]
Girls don’t like me I’m average looking maybe better than average to some girls. They don’t like me. Guys don’t want to be friends with me girls don’t want to be friends with me people don’t want to hang out with me because I’m not cool enough for them. That being said I’m a nice guy I give money to people I buy ************’s coffee at Starbucks I give money to hobos I treat people with respect I’m companionate why isn’t that enough?
Tristeza turns twenty three today. What can I say?
She’s older and wiser.
She’s compassionate.
She’s supportive.
She hurts.
She helped me.
She probably helped you.
Wherever you are, Tristeza, I hope this day is a good one. Know you are loved …as much as federal law will allow. 😉
so I met someone about a month ago and since then we’ve met and hung out a few times and talked consistently. All is well, and I don’t care if it doesn’t escalate. I’m happy being friends.
However, I feel like I’ve worn out my welcome. Conversations have become shorter and less frequent. Less uhh, ‘lovey dovey’ style. No more emojis or flirtatious conversations. Talking in general has almost come to a complete halt.
And by all means, it’s fine. Her life is not mine to keep. But still, it sucks gradually drifting especially with all the effort I try and put in.
I guess what I have […]
As of right now I list a lot of things that are going wrong with my life. I put in my two weeks at a job I hated and when I put in my two weeks they started telling me not to come in everyday so I’m getting no hours, I still haven’t found another job despite applying at tons of places and I’m financially screwed. I was forced to move back in with my family in order to get away from the latest in a string of abusive relationships. I owe my college over $3,500 for dropping out and can’t go back to school […]
Today I was moved from CBT to Counselling, is this seen as a good or a bad transition?
you know, I spoke very prematurely when I came out of the psyche ward. In hindsight, all it did was trigger my desire to make friends. Once they all rejected me, it brought out my Borderline Personality Disorder (which was what I was diagnosed with in the ward). I have attachment and rejection issues. What a load of garbage. I wish they would have just sent me home the next day after my suicide attempt. I wasn’t suicidal a day after my attempt and I’m not suicidal now. If I would have just went home instead of going to the psyche ward, I’d be just […]
so I decided to invite 5 friends over
xanny #1
xanny #2
xanny #3
xanny #4
and xanny #5
5 good friends for a lonely night.
i was ok yesterday, then i woke up this morning. i wish i could go back and stay there. i dont care if i was in a bad place then i still felt good i didnt want to do anything bad. i really should not have been born. i was a mistake. i literally cant do anything without someone hating me for it, especially now. almost every person i come into contact with hates me. everyone talks about me behind my back but they never say anything to my face. i get fucked over all the time just because. for the past year ive had […]
It’s been … Around 3 days since I stopped taking my medication.. I’ve been feeling really lightheaded throughout the day and I guess it’s something normal? I stopped because I dont think it’s doing any good to me or changing any thoughts of suicide and self harm. Of course my family and doctors don’t know that I’ve stopped, but my family has noticed me not feeling too good so I just told them the truth that I’ve been having some headaches and feeling lightheaded and whatnot but they don’t really give it too much thought. I’m going back to lying to my friends and family […]
Well am I ? My home life sucks I know every1 says that but it’s true all my parents do is fight and one second they are in a relationship then they ain’t but they still live in the same house and my mother keeps going on about me not being in a relationship and the only this I think of is them as an example and it real relationships are like my expme the I’m good the the 27 cats and dogs. and if someone gets to close to me all I think is run b coz it’s not going to end well of […]