lately, i am scared of myself. terrified of the idea that i’m not even sure anymore what or who i am. Â i find myself looking at my hands, my arms, my wrists and i feel like this is not me. that somehow, the “me” got lost in all of this. and i look back at pictures of myself as a kid, and i cannot connect with the person i am meant to be. not even in the pictures of my childhood i am smiling. i honestly don’t believe i ever experienced the feeling of “happiness” . sometimes i have no emotion at all, but there […]
It’s been a tough few months for me lately.
Some days i hide it well, others, not so much.
Some days I am sat on my own in my bedroom and I feel so low I have no idea where to go or what to do.
I consider whether my next breath is worth taking dozens of times a day.
Some nights i go to sleep and admit to myself that not waking up; well it wouldn’t be so bad.
Sometimes i will try to talk family or friends but they are always seeming so happy that I don’t want to spoil their day so I […]
Every day I wake up and go through the same shit, nothing necessarily bad, nut nothing good, ever.
Every time I think something good is gonna happen and make stuff better, it doesn’t, and I just end up feeling worse.
I have a lot of friends, and I’m pretty popular, but every fucking day shit gets worse.
I used to be laidback and funny and outgoing and just a nice fucking person but everyday my patience runs shorter and I’m starting to become so paranoid and I get losses off so fucking easily anymore.
This has been ongoing for the past 6 months and it really hasn’t snapped into […]
Depression is surrounding me again, I wanna cut.
I wanna feel something, I feel so numb.
Today is mine and my boyfriends 7 months.
And he’s currently looking at 10-20+ years for dating me.
He’s 21, I’m 15.
I’ve lost my best friend, and haven’t talk to him for a month and a half.
He was my reason for living.. my happiness.
And like everything else in my life it was snatched away.
I need to talk to him.. I’m slipping again.
I might break tonight.. I know if/when he finds out he’ll […]
To that little girl, smiling from ear to ear, with no worries on her mind and no demons in her head? Where’s the girl whose smile would light up a room, who laughed like there was no tomorrow, who would spend hours jumping in the rain, where’s the girl who enjoyed life?
What happened to me, what’s wrong with me? Now I am waiting to die, every second of every day just waiting. I’ve been waiting for 4 years now, when will it finally come to an end?
“When you grow up, your heart dies.”-The Breakfast Club.
It took all i had to make this. I couldn’t be any more proud. Days are still hard but I’m happy I reached this point.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can’t get enough
Pain, I like it rough
‘Cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all
You’re sick of feeling numb
You’re not the only one
I’ll take you by the hand
And I’ll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn’t work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can’t get enough
Pain, I like it rough
‘Cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can’t get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Just a couple of days ago my friend and I planned an amazing road trip! On Oct 22 we are heading to Los Angeles! I am going to meet an amazing girl I have met on the internet and then on Oct 25 we are going to commit suicide. A little messed up, but ever since the plans have been made…I’ve been happy. Well, about as happy as a suicidal schizophrenic can get. I smile more and I crack jokes more often… But the girl I’m meeting isn’t as happy as I am. Sure that’s put a damper on my mood, but I’m uber excited and I can’t wait […]
Today I’m going to kill myself. Â I’m going to finish my day at work and when I’m done, I’m going to kill myself. Â I’m going to take the bottle of muscle relaxers and drink the bottle of wine and die in the spot that the homeless man sleeps when he’s drunk. Â When they take my body, they will have to clean the area and that will be good for him.
Alex will be so sad but she will write great songs about her feelings and go on to enjoy lots more success. Â She will meet someone new that will love her better than me. Â Her life […]
I have posted here before, a while ago already.
Anyways, now I’m still in this mess, alone every single day, doing nothing. No one who cares about this, because “autism is the problem”. I will be starting therapy to deal with my autism in 2 weeks, so I guess that is a good thing.
Although i dont believe this is the “problem” I just let it run it’s course, I mean, all those psychiatrists are trained for it right? They sure must know it better than me?
Now I have been sitting home every single day, alone, for the past year, doing nothing at all. I rarely talk […]
I have often indulged in a bit of suicidal thinking if things in my life go sour. I think of it constantly during the day – and I never really thought it to be odd until my Therapist specifically made a point of asking me if “I thought of it everyday.”
In my  most painful moments, my mind staggers towards a bloody, morbid mess of images, as if to soothe me. They are unusually sharp and vivid, unlike when I am not experiencing emotional pain.  And pain – it seems that I have almost come to depend upon it to tell me what’s real. I  keep […]
Writing helps calm me down.
I don’t know why, but it does.
I’m writing right now, because I’m under severe stress.
They’re still fighting as I’m writing this lol
Well guys, let me tell you my story :v
I mean if you bother even to read it haha
Well, my Dad’s a gambler. he lost all the money in the household and now we’re broke. Like BA-ROKE.
My mom’s suicidal. She always tells me how she just wants to stop living and attempted suicide multiples of times infront of me, and my siblings.
Well, me, I’m just a kid going through highschool
I have a little brother […]
Has anyone ever kept years worth of emotion bottled up to the point where you’re afraid to release it anymore? to the point that you feel every ounce of rage you can muster suddenly flare whenever the slightest thing irritates you?
This is my third post. It’s been a couple weeks since my last and I’ve gotten a bit better; my first two posts would’ve persuaded any psychiatrist I was ready and willing to commit suicide. I’ve gotten better. Things have started looking up a bit. But that pain still lingers. And with it, an anger I can’t even begin to describe. All my life I’ve […]
Strength. Courage. Love. Happiness.
I thought I was strong, but these past few days have shown me otherwise. I’ve slowly been changing each and every day…and not for the better.
A few years ago, I used to be suicidal. I would only wake up in the mornings to think about death, cutting, and hatred. I hated the world around me and it hated me back. I had accepted that. I got no support from friends or family surrounding me so I had learned to depend on only myself. It took a few years, but I was able to get past all this. I had finally believed that I […]
It’s always the same.
The feelings of being lost, worthless; having no purpose in whatever life I’m trying to create. Trying to feel alive again. Begging to feel happy even just content. Why must everything feel so cold and dark? When did my view become like this?
My skin holds my confusion, pain and frustration. Every notch on it reminds me of the lost soul I am. Yet it makes me feel like I can be found. Is that even possible? So many question but they cannot be answered.
I need a release, to feel like I am here; that I have emotions. My smiles never hold true, […]
I thought I was past this, I thought she was gone, or at least frozen for a while.
I’d been content (never happy) for a while, but all suddenly again the world is dark.
It makes me cry to look at my face, to look at my body, gives me hope when i cause myself pain,
each thought containing something that may lead to happiness is tainted.
Each opportunity handed to me, each gift of love shared with me I care little for and ruin.
I feel worthless, I feel ashamed, this is the 19th night in a row i’ve cried.
Im so much more ugly when I cry too.
God why […]
ok so first and foremost im going to tell you a little story about my life.when i was in my elementary years i was being bullied by everyone i always feel like nobody loves me and i know it’s not just a feeling i know that is real.everyone said that i stink i have body odor,bad breath and a loser and other stuffs that can hurt my feelings i was always so emotional way back my youth and now that i am 17 i am contemplating about my childhood,reminiscing that eventually i figured out that i never really had one.and now that i’ve grown it’s […]
Everywhere I go, every place I look, I see people. I see love; I see happiness. I see what could be best described as a form of ignorant euphoria. Guys strut through the malls with their girlfriends, people just sort of hang out around places. Fuck. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. What I do know is that I am feeling a sort of pain that cannot be rectified, minimised, or mitigated, due to its constant presence.
I will never experience love beyond that of my few friends, or that of my parents.
To be perfectly honest, I’m tired of my parents, particularly my […]
I love her because she’s perfect. Contrary to popular belief she is absolutely perfect. From the way her hair looks in the morning to the way her feet are always warm, she is perfect. I love her for being that person who looks into my eyes – who reaches into my soul to bring out the hope and happiness. I love her for the way seeing her smile, can bring tears into my eyes. I love her for her heart and how it’s big, compassionate and kind. I love her for her soul, which everyday shines brighter and brighter through her eyes. I love her […]
Trying to kill myself was the best thing that could’ve happened. Because if I hadn’t tried to and if I hadn’t failed, I wouldn’t feel the urge to change how I felt and I wouldn’t have gone to Four Winds. It was tricky, I had just enough of the Nortatryptaline to go into coma but I just ended sleeping for a straight 48 hours. I then didn’t leave my house for an entire week and was drinking so much, I decided physical pain would have been the answer to everything. I cut the word help into my arm and cried myself to sleep that night. […]