Most mornings I wake up wishing I died in my sleep. Why? Because this life sucks. I weigh over 300 pounds, I have never had a relationship, I have a grand total of 4 friends that I have known for over 15 years. I had no family except my mother and stepfather who are always nagging me to get help for my depression. Who wouldn’t be depressed if they had my life? I get up, I go to work, I come home, take a shit, eat, jerk off, sleep. Repeat. I was happier when I was getting high and banging hookers all the time. Now […]
Tag:
home
As soon as I leave my place the world is against me. I can’t take it anymore. Stigma of mental illness and suffering. I am still six years old and highly sensitive. I long for a family and someone to care, who is there anymore. What is the best way to go home, I ask myself.
I’ve got to find a way to be ok, and I cannot.
So I went to my first party, a friends party, after a long time of not going anywhere, socially that is. As I am at the party I meet two new people and they end up inviting me to a party they are having soon. After all of this I come home and look at my phone feeling like shit. Like, I had a wonderful time and now I just come home like, “Time to take off that mask!” I don’t know what it is keeping me from enjoying myself but I will force myself to that party, and I will fucking enjoy myself!
I’ve been dealing with suicidal tendencies since I was in high school. TEN YEARS AGO
Obviously it hasn’t been continuous over those years. There have been days where keeping it a secret is easy and my “happy face” feels normal.
But these thoughts have been VERY strong over the past month of so.
I HATE my job. The people I serve (I work in food service) are RUDE. I’ve been laughed at, sworn at, and just generally treated badly. I serve the same people every day so I’m constantly dealing with it.
I am so unhappy in my apartment. I rent a room and have no say in who […]
…
If her tears fall with no one around
Would you still be able to see it?
Somedays are hard
Others are harder
Choices are made that change her world
They can never be replaced
The love she had now fades to grey
As the passion she holds smolders to ash
All she can do is wallow and cry but,
If her tears fall with no one around
Would you still be able to see it?
The bitterness of life is unbearable
The pain that continues is crippling
She wonders if it ever subsides
The answer turns to no And everything continues
They go about their day knowing they are loved
She goes home […]
I don’t know what I’ve done to be exiled by all of my friends. I’ve been home a week. I haven’t been home in my house over 24 hours straight in a few years, I’m always out doing stuff with them. This is the third time this has happened in the last 10 fucking days I’ve been home. My best friend straight up ditches me day after day and then tries to blame it on me, making up stupid validations or excuses, and somehow I’m the one at fault. My other friend begs me to hang out with her because she’s bored, yet never calls me […]
my parents left on a trip and I feel like it’s my time to leave this world
by treefrog
written by treefrog
I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. I struggle with mental illnesses, one being chronic suicidal ideation. I’ve lost everyone, no one understands me. My parents told me to do it, just not in their house. So I’ve found a place where I won’t disrespect my parents or their home. Just one problem. I have two beautiful, loving, loyal cats who have saved my life on multiple occasions. I don’t know if they’ll ever find a home with someone who loves them more than me. I’m not saying that cuz I think I’m anything special, but they are my very best friends. I […]
ever since primary school I had been cutting. I dud it because all my ‘friends’ were horrible. One day they were all friendly the next day they would be holding me down and throwing footballs at me. Bow I’m in secondary school. And it just got worse. I was alone again. Then people started commenting on my appearance. I began starving myself to make ne skinnier than I am. I gate being ugly I hate it. One day I decided I was gonna do it. I had enough. But then this boy stayed up all night trying to stop me. He was the kindest person […]
it is very tiring to feel like the only one, to blame yourself for everything, to see choices that you made that are set in stone in a cruel world. it is very tiring to now have physical symptoms due to stress and feel it is your fault, it is very tiring to be alone and constantly struggling to get around seen by no one in this cruel ass world
ptsd and sexual abuse and no family and loneliness and self-blame and no way to get around and no one who truly cares is a recipe for going home
god doesnt care either b/c god has never […]
At the age of 14, in my first year of highschool, I tried to take my life. I hid under a bridge, without anyone knowing in the morning on October 27th, and I swallowed 60+ pills. The pills were pills that I was prescribed to from my doctor. Before all this, I was clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I had thought that I would get better, but seemingly, I did not. So, that morning, I took pills, and waited. My legs were numb, and I was freezing cold. My whole body was slowly shutting down, and I could feel every little part of it […]
I sit at home alone everyday .. When my sister gets home she bombards me with nasty comments about how I do nothing with my life and I sit on my fat ass all day .. Sometimes she calls me a depressed annoyance and how one day shes gonna slap me.. Maybe I should just kill myself . its not like they are gonna miss me. My mom constantly yells about how the dirty dishes need to be done while I’m thinking about how I should kill mysf tonight . I’m tired all the time… I have no friends. . is it true that it […]
Hey (goodbye).
I’m kinda messed up right now, I’m feeling pretty bad though I could probably stop feeling this way; I just don’t want to. I’m not sure why but I kind of enjoy feeling sad, I guess in the same way that I like self-harm; maybe it’s the same thing. This probably isn’t healthy but I’m not, so it might be alright. I guess I’m just fucked, I hate myself and I think I might kill myself tomorrow not that it matters.
I’ll go to the student services room at school, sign off there, catch the train home and hang myself.
I’m sure it […]
I was always alone as a kid. I never knew my dad (I’m pretty sure I was artificially inseminated), my sisters ran away from home, and my mom worked two jobs and vented her frustrations on me. I never really knew how to have friends, but I always tried to talk to other kids. It never worked.
I saw people who had “best friends” and big brother, and I wanted those things so badly. I’d go home and just imagine what he’d be like: strong, smart, funny, and like all the music and video games that I did.
When I was turning 17, a mere 10 days […]
It’s funny how I ask to be normal. I wanna do normal shxt.
Like I wanna have a normal day. Get out of bed, shower, eat, go to work, come home and go to sleep. I can’t even do this.
My day is more like wake up crying [cause I wish I were dead] cry in the shower and don’t wanna eat. Call in because I’m too sad to work or go to work and cry. Then have insomnia all night.
Ppl take for granted the ability to have a simple day.
It’s hard to deal with this as a Christian. I feel so guilty…
by SilentScream
written by SilentScream
I know I’m supposed to forgive, or else I won’t be forgiven. I know I’m supposed to pray for those who hurt me, but it’s not always easy. I’m having flashbacks of things my parents said to my brother and I
No one will ever want you
When you move out, don’t come back
You’re trash
You’ll never be anything
You’re a motherfucking piece of shit, you know that?
And did
locking him in a closet
making him sit outside for hours as they kept the door locked
“Spanking” us until they saw blood
And more. I don’t want this to affect the rest of life, I want to forget, but I can’t . I […]
nothing is worth it anymore. I fuck up in innumerable ways without even trying. Turning to alcohol just makes it worse, causing even bigger failures. I never thought my life would turn out like this. Yes, I am smart, I have a future, how could I be so selfish, I have everything handed to me. I’m a wreck of human, inadequate at life, I have no purpose, no reason. I have messed up nearly everything and don’t want to wake up to face my consequences of anything. I’m reckless, and very soon I won’t be here any longer, unless the cats I work with this […]
I try so hard
But you never go away
I try so hard
To forget your face
Your smile was brilliant
It lit up the room
Your body resilient
To the deepest wounds
Skin like silk
Hanging from ivory bone
Holding you still
As you suffered alone
So strong and so quiet
Your heart was my home
But the beating grew silent
And so did the phone
I should have begged you not to go
I shouldn’t have tried to let you go
Now I’m broken and so alone
Incapable of loving another soul
Heartbreak I can handle
But this is much more
You were my anchor
Maybe I should just give it one more shot. My last time I was successful, well a combo of drugs and the lq withdrawls, either way, it did work, so it’s my time.
The other day some dude was talking about jumping, he had rented a room. I am super afraid of heights, but I hate wasting money, so I would just HAVE TO JUMP. Vodka will give me courage, unless it makes me sick, or worse I just fall asleep. I have the money right now to get a room and alcohol. I pray, many times a day, I pray for others and that I’m […]
I wish there was a pill that killed me. I just want a way out. But I’m too weak to do it myself. I always think “what about my dog?” Or “how will anyone find me if I kill myself at home?” Those are things I shouldn’t be worried about. Am I truly ready to off myself?
Last night I lost control over my feelings. Couldn’t stop crying. My family went out so I stayed home alone. I turned off all my bedroom lights and went and sat in my closest. Started crying; weeping. I was thinking about cutting again. I was saying to myself “You promised. Don’t break the promises you made.”
Although I promised, I turned on the closet light and looked for the blades (2). As I was holding them in my hands I kept thinking of my friends and the promises I made.
After a while holding them, it was hard but I put them back and got up. […]