Ive posted a lot on this site and though the battle to end my life has been unsuccessful im thankful for the days i do get with my family and hope i fail this time to though i think i may succeed this time.i have something called a conversion disorder which means mental stress converted into physical symptoms so temporarily i can’t walk or move or sometimes even speak based on stress and it’s gotten worse as my suicide date comes closer i believe its a sign that i may not make it this time and that is scary yet i cant stop at least […]
Tag:
im
Things were going so well yet in the span of three days it has all gone to shit. Im worthless, a worthless piece of shit. Three fucked up days/nights in a row was all it took for things to come falling down. I don’t want to be here anymore.
The majority of posts on here seem like a cry for help, if I’m being honest with myself I’m just here to vent.
I don’t plan on committing suicide tonight, but one day soon I will. I’ve been depressed for 8 years which is a third of my life and all of my adult life.
I’ll never understand why some people are challenged in life more than others, why some people can live long happy lives while others suffer every waking moment.
I’ll willingly admit there are people out there who have it far worse than I do, but I am at a constant struggle to find a real […]
i didnt know what to title this so heres the song that im listening to right now.
its interesting how we all attempt to comfort each other when we all know how the other person feels. when someone wants to kill their self people say no, because its wrong, a sin, selfish, or simply “not worth it to end a beautiful life”, and thus try to prevent a suicide. but if you truly understood how they felt ten why force that person to live in misery?
now im not saying that everyone should go commit suicide but when a person is at their worst and wakes up every […]
i wake up but I never truly wake up.
What at I mean is that my eyes open and my mind is awake to the idea of knowing it’s a new day and I need to get up. But my body is physically drained. My mentality is dead. My heart is tired and my motivation to get through another day is just nowhere to be found.
I am just so exhausted.
I have a job which I love but the motivation to get up is just…. I can’t. I hate it. My feet drag, my eyes water, I’m so tired, always. And it’s not a lack of sleep […]
im really hurting today. i know my health issue doesnt have to be permanent, and that when i save up money, or get the right doctor, i can be fixed. except im poor and live in a small city. i am very educated, but work in a poor job. im 30. im tired.
Two years, a recent attempt. A short trip. I get released just as easily. A mistake in calling, not knowing the trip would happen, or that it would be mandatory. They make me feel like shit, but at this point much anyone and anything does that. A rock could do that. Im too sensitive and not in a good way, I remain bitter. I try to operate from a place of rightous anger. At this moment, I’m surrounded by people I am aware do not like me. I was supposed to accept it, but when you feel… like that sort of weird, unapprochable person for […]
I still think of you
more often than I’d like to admit
it still hurts to hear your name
i wish you’d leave my mind
sometimes I want to go after you
but I know that’s not what you want
i understand why you had to leave
I just wish you didn’t
I feel terrible for what I did
what I excepted of you was too great
I got too mad
said and did terrible things
im sorry, and I think you know that
you just don’t care
you left me to save yourself
and that’s ok
i just wish you’d come back
I miss you
I miss our friend ship
I wish things could go back to the way they were
but I know […]
im ready for the void
im ready for the nothingness
my very last breaths
into the darkness
my heart beat quickens
it starts to race
beating slower and slower
to a steady pace
someone runs into the room
screaming loudly
but i can barely hear them
trying to save me despertly
the world around me goes black
this world is not right
drove me to suicide
im now dead tonight
I find it extremely difficult to actually make decent real life friends.
I’m 15 years old and all the “Real life friends” ive had up until this point have either used me or don’t care about me and make fun of me.
I made another post about most of my life and in that post I explained how I had cancer from when I was 9 up until I was 14. most of the people I know call me cancer boy and some people act so scared of me because they might catch my disease even though it is not contagious (obviously) and I do not have […]
I never thought it would be like this. I never thought I’d want to end my life. When I first thought about it, it scared me but now I’m embracing it. I’m rude, selfish, annoying,stupid, everything you can think of. Im mad though, at my self mostly. Why couldnt I be happy? Why am I such a *****? Why? Why do I always mess everything up? My parents hate me, im failing two classes already, i dont have any close friends. But most of all, I’m tired. Im tired of being alone, Im tired of hating my self so much and most of all, Im […]
This past weekend seemed miserable much of the time but later last night i had another good moment and talk with the guy I love. Im trying not to takke it personally. So he doesnt believe I’m really attracted to him because I’m the only person who is and he feels shitty about himself for being fat. He has a lot against being fat, and is stuck on society’s opinions of stick thin equals beauty. So he showed me pictures of himself when he was 200 lbs vs being 290-300 as I’ve known him. He does look a bit different but hes still amazingly gorgeous […]
My life sucks… My mother died last year before christmas and now nothing is the same. I thought that my life was already horrible, but after her death it was fucking hell. My father acts and treats me as if im the one to blame and im less of a daughter somehow even though I was the only one to take care of her when she was still alive, he constantly makes fun of
my weight and compares me to my little sister, my older bros and sis dont give my little sis and I some damn time to talk and
they treat us like […]
Ive gotten to the point where i dont really feel bad for a number of things. I still feel in the ‘wrong’ on a social stance because i feel that i might be lacking empathy and well thats my own self analysis. Im entitle to it right? I do feel at times im horrible, a monster it would be better to burn my bridges than to subject those who still care to my ups and downs. But then they’re also choosing to stick around when they know how bad things can get with me.
Things have never felt or seemed so clear before. A lot […]
Im back home and instantly i regret not downing half a month’s of sereoquel for the drive back home. Hell even if it didnt kill me im sure it would help satiate the voices that keep bothering me about harmful ideation.
My psych doc wants to increase it but i told him it would hinder me driving, honestly if he was so quick to want to i shouldve just let him. I feel like im doomed for the med life to feel comfortably numb and not unexpectedly lash out due to the wierd messages my brain thinks its receiving. Which is safe for everyone but […]
i fucking hate people its no fucking use no matter what i do people always think its the worst thing i cant explane it because no one wants to believe me or they all think im fucking crazy. i have no choice ether people are going to kill me or i just have to take my own life that’s it. my mom told me i can be happy i just have to choose it but i don’t have a choice people are always going to think what they are going to think and i cant change there minds because everyone hates me. no one cares about […]
i dont see the point in why i even woke up today. haven’t been awake 30 minutes and already i feel like shit. get called a bum by my brothers boyfriend and of cores my brother thinks its funny. my next door neighbors are laughing at me while im crying saying “i hope she kills herself” while they are calling me a child molester with an std and thats probably the reason why im depressed, and my mother (who i love dearly) just thinks that i can flip a switch in my head that turns it all off and makes it stop. the only people […]
I want to swallow all my pills. I am unsure about wanting to die. But this exsistence seems meaningless. And lonely. I want all the things im supposed to hate. Alcohol. Cigarettes. My bulimia. Sex eith strangers. I want all of it to help ease my sadness, my lonely, my anxiety and insecurity. I feel so desperate and lonely. Why am i all alone.
Im a little nervous bout tomorrow night. I dont have anything planned but it always seems in my luck for things to start turning topsy turvy whenever i let the roll of the dice take the wheel. Ive been spending the week with a really close friend of mine i known since highschool. Hes been under a lot of stress with his mom going through chemo even had an infection scare and i drove her an hour back towards LA to the nearest hospital.
Shes doing much better btw and weve been having a good time in each other’s company but it feels bittersweet knowing […]
Im a couple months away from being 30 and i have felt like dying every single day since I was 12 years old. I remember the exact day i realized i didnt want to live. I have friends, i date, i have things im passionate about, a good job. Nothing traumatic happened to me in my youth. I just dont have whatever biological imperative that makes people want to live. My closest friends and mother know about it. My mom is the reason i havent, ive begged her to let me go. I dont want to transfer my pain to her, i want her to […]