I don’t have Internet connection on a regular basis so if I want to write a post for this site I have to pre-write it and save it fir when I do have Internet. This is a bummer in one way because if I don’t have my laptop the next time I get Internet I can’t post it or if I have it on my flash drive but only have my cell phone the next time I have Internet then I can’t post it either.
So, now that I have that all explained away, I suppose I will update those who care or are even […]
Tag:
in the
A couple nights ago I stood in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and swollen; I’d been crying for a while. I had the bottle of pills in my hand. I was planning on drinking the dozen or so beers I had in the fridge as well, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Probably more out of fear than self-preservation or a desire to live. And it wasn’t even a fear of dying; it was a fear of living. I didn’t want to make an attempt and have to live through it. I couldn’t stand the idea of another […]
Its midnight. I’m sitting in the corner, wrapped in a blanket, trying not to cry my eyes out over nothing. Just because everyone else I know is happy, healthy, and in love is not a reason to cut. Just because I’m the only one who is fucked up isn’t a reason either. I love my family, I sometimes love my friends, but right now I don’t love me. And right now, I don’t think I’ll ever love myself. I’m worthless. Everyone else can figure their lives out, and I can’t. I will be forever in this frozen hell of self loathing
Don’t you just love those nights people trying to pull you down making you feel stupid for saying it in the first place. When you already got fucking enough on ur mind as it is. I am about to lose it……
So today my cousin told me that my mentor told her dad ALL the things I told her, IN CONFIDENCE. So that includes me taking pain pills, me cutting myself, me being molested when I was little. All the stuff that’s going on in my home life. She had no right! I am so sad/angry/upset, I don’t know what to feel right now. I told her I had trust issues because other teachers/mentors have betrayed me in the past, and she told me it was between me and her. And then she does this! And what makes it worse was I saw her today and […]
We are on different sides on the globe. She agreed to let me fly to her place for a few days. After that I learned I’m unloved, as usual.
She’s suicidal and have emotional problems. But she has an interesting life and all sorts of exciting experience. I have nothing.
I’m 25 years old and I’ve never been in a long relationship.
I have a stable 9-6 job. I have a master degree. I have good friends and family. I’ve always been a good student, employee, friend, and daughter. I excel in many areas but romantic life.
Don’t fucking ask me to just focus on other areas in life […]
I am terrified of my parents. I don’t know why. They’re good people, I just hate telling them anything. Whenever I get a grade back, I never tell them unless it’s really terrible or unless they haven’t seen a grade in the class in a long time. Like, sometimes I want to show them a grade, good or bad. But I get so much anxiety from just showing them; approaching them and saying ‘hey I got my —– test back’. I get so much anxiety that I wake up during sleep and my stomach gets that nervous feeling. I have no clue why. I just […]
Can I stop hurting? Feeling like a shitty human being? Because I don’t live life in the most absolutely best way possible. I don’t want to believe in GOD because I don’t want to feel like shit about myself every single day. Because I sin and I don’t want to change that, and I don’t want to hate myself for not wanting to change it. But either way it goes the truth is I don’t accept myself and I put myself down because the things I do and enjoy are sins. Cursing, drinking, smoking, disliking people, pre marital sex, all these trivial things. Why can’t […]
Is it possible to take a different approach to suicide?
Is it possible to come up with a radically different outlook completely on your own?
Is it possible to truly change?
Is it possible to put the past in the past, where it belongs?
its not possible
Everyday it is the same thing, get up go through my day, spend time with my daughter and my fiancée, occasionally talk to the few friends I have, clean or do school work. Sometimes I spend my spare time checking SP or Facebook which isn’t so bad but I swear it’s like a broken record playing through the same section of the same song and skipping in the same places everyday. I hate it. I wish it would change. Then I play it again. Every day. I don’t know why. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m a masochist. Not in a physical sense but emotionally. […]
Almost 12 in the morning. I haven’t get out of bed. Downstairs, my dogs are barking at something. They’re nervous, they haven’t gone for a walk for some days now. I feel terribly guilty for it. I guess that just not guilty enough to find the courage to face the world.
At some point, I’ll need to leave the bed, even if it’s just to feed them and go to the bathroom. It feels like an enormous job to do.
No Internet, not phone at home. The bill hasn’t been paid. Some weeks ago, it would have dragged me to anxiety. Today, it’s almost a relief not […]
I had an horrible night tonight… Among other things, I dreamed i was locked in psych ward, trying to escape… And finally a friend helped me to commit suicide… Weird, but it’s not the first time dreams like that have happened.
Throughout this dream i knew i was dreaming…In some may, i could decide what i wanted to do or not, as in real life…It’s what i call “lucid dreams”. But everytime i had these lucid dreams, then I’m suffering from false awakening. I felt trapped in the dream… With no way of escape from it and wake up.
Everytime I try to wake up, i […]
Humanity cannot be happy. The developed countries have higher suicide rates, possibly because humans have not adapted to life in the first world. For example, people chop down trees so they can wipe their asses. Surely, one would think that there would be consequences. First world countries have toilets filled with water, where there are other countries that are dry and impoverished. Many countries are rubbish, and other countries are busy making technologies that help destroy the planet just the same. The best way to be happy is to be an ignoramus, and even then, stupid people often tend to be emotional and violent.
Who’s to say the way that I think is wrong?
It may be different to you, but why is different wrong?
Maybe I’m a step above you on the evolutionary tree.
Compassion is a trait commonly found in the losing side.
“Have you thought about harming anyone besides yourself?” Frequently.
“What do these thoughts consist of?” I want to know what their insides look like on the outside.
The disgust in your eyes. The way your lip curls without you even noticing.
I’m what you’d look like if you didn’t care so damned much.
don’t you dare label me
I’m a loser , I am a loser in this cruel boring LIMITED real world , reality , real life
by niki
written by niki
I’m a loser , I am a loser in this cruel boring LIMITED real world , reality , real life .. !
I am a 33 years old Asian guy, who used to have so many beautiful hope & dreams ,
and many people have told me that I’m a smart, multi talent , very creative, & wise person
but now the more I see this cursed world, people, humans beings, and this reality, the more I lose hope in humanity , losing hope in human beings, and also lose hope in myself & my future
you see ,.. Reality / real world / real […]
What would happen if I began shrieking? And then took a permanent marker and scarred up my grandmother’s gleaming new cupboards? And then chucked a glass mug through the windowpanes? Let all that chilled air in here.
She’s cleaning something in the bathroom…I’m doing schoolwork…ooh, I’m tempted…
I need to stop this. A spell is coming on, I can feel it, this is a bad time…can’t concentrate. Gonna hurt something.
There’s a caved-in Valentine’s balloon in the living room, floating near the ceiling…ha ha, Valentine’s day…my mother was committed to the hospital on the day of love…we brought her flowers and told her through glass smiles that she […]
Its been a very rough past few months for me. Hell who am I kidding, its been a very rough past 7 years. I just havent been able to catch a break. It’s been one thing after another. When it rains it pours? Yeah it’s been absolutely pouring down on me with no signs of stopping. Still looking for that ever non existent light at the end of this tunnel. Yet everytime I get to the point of no return I somehow am still here to live it all over again the next day. I have wanted to die for quite some time but I […]
I think about it all the time……killing myself. I’m in a abusive, manipulated, horrible relationship. I am 31 and female. My common law husband is 43, so we are many years apart. He is horrible to me. He plays mind games with me all the time, manipulates every situation that he can with me. He makes me feel horrible about myself and he thinks he is better than anyone.
Because of all this I want to kill myself. I just can’t take this pain anymore. I can’t leave cuz I do love him, but at the same time I can’t take his shit. I feel like […]
I feel so frightened about the way I am now. I’ve started to put somethings into place for an exit. Bought some rope. Started practicing how to do a proper noose. Thinking about logistics. At the same time I am fighting to keep a job that because of the way I am feeling I have started to hate. I am a big woman, but I cry all the time like a baby and I don’t know why. I hate my lack of control. I hate people telling me how lucky I am to have a good job. They tell me that and I feel desperate […]
I’ve been toying with what I think is my favourite memory recently, just letting it play on repeat behind my eyes. It’s kind of a double edged blade, because when I’m in it, I’m happy. But happiness leads to overthinking, a sword I think many of us here at SP fall on regularly.
Okay, so it’s his 20th birthday. It feels like only yesterday but it was a lifetime ago now. We threw him a party at the house and so many people came. A testament to how loved he was. Scratch that. How loved he still is. I was actually enjoying myself being around other […]