I’m sick of feeling sad all the fucking time. I’m sick and bloody tired. There are some days where I think ‘how could I have possibly felt that sad?’ but then it all comes rushing back.
I don’t have the right to be sad. My life is a breeze compared to other people’s lives. And it makes me feel like my problems are inferior, which in some ways they are.
I got my English Literature AS result today, and I got a B. And I’m not happy with it. I should be, considering I’ve taken it a year early, and that’s like an A at […]
Tag:
it all
Just as 1+1 will always = 2
Death will be the result of you
Suicide, natural causes, it all leads to black
No god after life, a cosmic kick in the nutsack
I just want to hide behind a brick wall because I’m ugly and useless and pathetic. I am incapable of it all. I try to forget the pains those people never knew but old faded scars are literally hurting me. And I just want to hide. Maybe that way I won’t have to look at my dead end future.
…when all is said and done,it all boils down to one simple but nevertheless a very haunting question which he ask himself,”How much more can a man take before he breaks?” How much pain and regrets can one hold in his heart before his mind snaps and gives away to oblivion
I ask you all fine people, how much more can one take when he realizes that he has reached his end and he has exhausted all his faith and reasons to live in this world.That is when he takes the leap to his death and starts on a journey in search of peace through eternity.
Thank […]
I just want to disappear. I’m crying. It hurts. I’m sad. Suicide? No… I can’t think of any excuses or simple solutions. I don’t know how to raise my voice, speak up .. I’m too scared… I wear a mask everyday, a mask where the smile never fades and the eyes of a 14 year old girl light up bright. In reality, I force myself to smile.. I think too much. Sometimes I feel like if I didn’t exist everything would be a lot easier for my mum especially… then I realise there are many cases around the world. ugh, this world. My home is […]
I feel nothing. But at the same time I feel everything. Basically all I can think about is committing suicide. I just want to disappear. I want it all to be gone. I don’t understand what goes on in my mind. I want to be gone. I’m sorry mom and dad. I know I said I would never kill myself I just have to. You want me to be happy and by doing this I will be happy. It’s not your fault. I know I should be greatful for all that I have and I am but all those things don’t make me not want […]
I wish I were dead. I wish that, every single hour of every single day. I can’t actually do it myself. I can’t bring myself to be the one to do that to my parents. They wouldn’t understand, they would think it was their fault. In truth, I am privileged to have the parents that I do. It never feels like enough. I’m 28 years old, I’m single. And not just normal single, like, still a virgin, never even been kissed or asked out on one single, solitary date. Pathetic. Its driving me crazy. When I was younger my mom used to joke to her friends […]
With Kirsten Dunst and it’s the story of another planet colliding into earth. The movie made me think of how I don’t have “special people” to cuddle under a stick tent with as the world ends, and how nothing has any meaning anyway because it all gets destroyed. I hate thinking about how short life is; it makes me want to go and squeeze the love out of every person I see and suck their souls out like a death eater until I’m satisfied. How does one really “live” enough?
Second post…
me and Shanna had a fight last night. I was talking to my son who was upset about a death we recently experienced. I was trying to console him and make him comfortable. She lit me up so hard and I just sat there and cried like a ***** in front of my son. Then, to top it all off, she took her engagement ring off and gave it back to me as if she found it in a crackerjack box and it meant nothing. I was crushed. She grabbed her daughter and left. I hate myself. I’m not a man. I am a […]
Is religion real? if so, which one? i was raised christian, and i still am even after everything that has happened. I believe he was around to save the world. But many religions have key figures. What the heck? what does it all mean? does it even matter to try and figure this stuff out? does heaven exist in any form? Im poor, we dont ask ourselves these kinds of questions, we just try to keep living. I honestly dont want to live anymore (if i cant get my health issues fixed, or find a job), but what is the point of it all? i […]
where do i start?
How about with the life everyone thought i had – hell i even deluded myself into believing it for awhile – and then the rape and then the child and i can’t say if the 2 happened at the same time and now that grown little girl is crying her eyes out over a tiny cut her Mother made on her wrist- she called her brother – didn’t ask me anything… I don’t blame her – I wasn’t there for her like i should have been – ever.. I’ve tried to be there now – but she saw the cut – it […]
Epiphany!
I was rambling on in the comments of Tristeza’s post when I finally hit bottom and realized why I’m so unhappy and want to die. The gist of what I was saying is that life is nothing more than a dream and that when we die, our minds are erased from reality permanently. All of the information that our brains are holding onto is erased when it shuts down for good. The person that you think you are (Tom, Dick, Jane etc) is little more than a function of the brain, and so when the brain dies, you die too.
As in a dream, I’ve […]
I really don’t know what to feel about myself at the moment. I’m not sure how to word this, but I just go ahead anyway. I’ve recently been watching Onision videos since he popped out on my Recommended List.
I checked out his videos on cutting on a whim, and frankly speaking, he’s super blunt. I’m not going to lie, the way he says it all, about how cutting is ‘attention whoring’, and that cutters are ‘stupid, and crazy’ kinda hit me hard. He says that I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head and a good education and all the opportunities […]
Didn’t get what i needed
But i talked to someone and it calmed me down
Im still here- scared as hell.. feel like shit
But I want you to know that your comments (on my last post) today – i read them and they matter to me. Thank you
When you feel so alone and cut off its hard to see anything but the darkness..its around me and in me – its trying to win and i’m trying to fight.. i want to give up so badly but something keeps me here… Right now, i keep running to my room for solace- i have panic attacks and the feeling of overwhelming dread […]
They make me feel better émotions-wise but it’s fake, it’s all fake feelings made by some white fucking pill; escitalopram. It doesn’t stopy my suicidal thoughts either, they’re not based on emotion. I don’t want them gone though, they comfort me in times of need. I want to explode. I will explode. I’m fucked.
I tried collecting my thoughts as they come in pairs
An overwhelming feeling followed by emptiness,
As im searching for the signs between intersections in my mind,
I trace back to questions left behind
That led me to a line between certainty and confusion
When I can’t tell the difference between
When I can’t see the difference it seems
What holds me together
What breaks me down
What pulls me under
What keeps me alive
This are the thoughts that keep me up every night
And I can’t help but be consumed by this
My thoughts derail and collide with insecurities,
Like crooked teeth I lose my place, […]
Unfortunately still alive. Yesterday one of my best friends from high school basically said she was going to kill herself. Seemingly she has it all. Born into money, comfortable, normal life that I’ll never have. She wouldn’t answer as to why.
And after all the pain, I still find myself loving the guy I fell for May 1st, the day we met. I know he’ll never give me a chance. He’s so stuck on looks and ‘proving himself’ to the world. I wish he could see it from a different perspective. One where he could realize he has someone who has given him so much, would […]
BEFORE
When i see you, i die it’s like i forget how to breath should i inhale should i exhale i never know what to do.
when you look at me, oh with those eyes, they’re brown just brown not so exiting but to me, those eyes are my little universe.
when you smile at me, i swear i loose it all, it’s like the world stop, everything else fades away and it’s just us against the world.
when you touche me, fire run trough my veins, i’m being electrocuted .
when you hug me, i feel at home, it’s my safe heaven i never want […]
I find myself not being able to catch my breath. Like a stranger just comes out with a punch to the gut. I am just moving along in this life trying to cope and maybe fool myself into thinking that I am putting one over on the rest of them. The them that seem to have it all together. The them that are capable of connection.
Then there is something, maybe something I see, I smell, I read, I dream or watch in a movie that just knocks the wind out of me. Maybe these little events show me a glimse of what could be if […]
My whole world came crashing down today when I realised my whole world is not what it seemed and I am really in fact a stalker. It all started around two or three years ago, when I took a dance class with a dance teacher I never had before. I had not even walked into the room and I believe he was staring at me with awe in his eyes. I notice that he would pay special attention to me in class and when he told us to freestyle he looked uncomfortable but it as though he was getting turned on. This uncomfortable look was […]