What should I do now? I remember this time a year ago, when I was on vacations from school for 2 weeks. I remember those 2 weeks were the worst days on my life. For 14 days I didn’t go out of my home. I would stay hours or days laying on my bed, doing nothing at all, constantly checking if I had any kind of message or something that meant that anybody thought of me in those days. Well guess what? No one did. I’m in a similar situation right now, but worse.
I finished a semester in school, […]
How can I believe in love or marriage and having a happy family? I try to allow myself to want those things to believe they exists. Each time I try to do this the world shows me otherwise. I had a thing with this guy for a year and things weren’t working for us and I ended it. He popped back up now and turns out he has had a girlfriend for the last part of our thing. He wants to be together but I think that what he is doing is fucked up. I don’t understand why he would do this to her it’s […]
While generally I don’t adorn purely musical/lyrical posts… There is little point to be human if you don’t find yourself hypocritical.
“If you don’t have a song
To sing you’re okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm
If you don’t have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
‘Cause it’s just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore
No I don’t believe in the wasting of time,
But I don’t believe that I’m wasting mine
If you don’t have a point to make
Don’t sweat it
You’ll make a sharp one being so kind
And I’d sure appreciate it
Everyone […]
I don’t mean shit in this world. Being trans is only for the skinny and straight ones who will quickly change and pass and be accepted by women. Someone fat and ugly like me will always be judged by what’s on the outside and never have a chance in hell at love with a man. It’s useless for me to be so fat and ugly that no man will give me a chance. Transition or passing won’t change anything because only straight men are into my kind of music and the things I like. I’ve never had a chance in hell being born female and […]
I have a 2yr old and 4yr old and I never thought I would be in this place. However I’ve been sick too long now. I’m tired of doctors visits and fighting. 5 days that’s when it started the desire to just disappear. After all one moment of pain for my children can save them from a lifetime of watching their mother die. My husband building more debt and being my babysitter. All I’m becoming now is a pathetic meat sack anyway. So what’s the point. They will blame it on the tumurs in my head and my family will be free from me. There […]
I woke up quite early today, thought I’d grab the chance to enjoy The Witcher 3.. Turns out I should of slept away half the day instead. I dont know how but my most recent ex came into mind, its been over half a year but still.. Such happy memories, how can I possibly stop comparing what I am now, what I have now, with what I once had… Im over her, but I would like.. this kind of happiness again, with someone else.. anyway I know throughout our lifetime on this miserable planet we have our ups and downs, I’d like an elevator lift […]
Idk. I’ve been doing very well lately with college and diet.
I meet this guy 3 months ago, thought he was my friend but we become closer and it didn’t work out at the end. Too bad I know him and his intentions enough to realize how predictable can be everything when it comes to misunderstandings. I guess I don’t like him that much if i can’t deal with the whole situation. I didn’t wanted to be with him in a romantic way anyway, it ruined everything, wish i would said “no” at the very first chance. We had a good laugh though.
So, again, i meet […]
Not sure how it started, but I lost control last night. I’ve been battling with depression for a long time, only attempted suicide once before. I guess after a lifetime of never feeling good enough, I had a moment of weakness and fell off the wagon. I drank over half a bottle of 100-proof vodka and then downed about 600mg ambien and 20 hydrocodone/acetomenophin (5/325mg) pills. On top of my normal dose of anti-depressants. I have to admit I felt pretty good for a while there, and then passed out somewhere along the way.
I woke up a few hours ago and have been puking almost […]
A friend of mine just committed suicide 4 days ago and everyone in my community is totally shocked.
I was wondering what experiences you may have had with a suicide of a friend or family – whomever – and how you dealt with it.
He was a very smart student was best in his school year and an extremely intelligent and good person. He left a note that said noone should feel guilty with all his bank accounts and formal stuff. Then he left and jumped from a 10 story building. Before he has been fighting depression for one year and had medication ( I’m not sure […]
I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad the dreams in which I’m dying are the best ive ever had..
It’s one thing to be alone..but when ur around people who make you FEEL alone..that’s the worst! Sad… we live together but hardly ever speak even when the opportunity is there..we pass ec other without ever even looking up..its to the point where u realize the people ur suppose to know the best are really just strangers…
Hey guys and gals, I have not mentioned this but for the past 10 weeks of been getting medical testing done due to some health issues I’ve had since last November.
I have a Dr.s appointment tomorrow to get the test results and honestly I am a nervous wreck . I don’t know if its out of fear what could possibly be wrong with me or hearing those 3 little words… If that would happen I don’t know what I would do . I mean what kind of man would want to marry a girl like that. I sure as hell wouldn’t.
I am not very religious […]
I am the asphalt. You drive over me. Barley recognizing my existence. Composed of hard rock and soft tar. What do you see? I have many flaws, many pot holes. Is that all you notice? Still, I get you to work everyday. I suit your needs, your whim. I am around at 3am, when you feel a sudden need for chips and salsa. I am there the next day on your drive to work or the club. All you notice is the divot that inconveniences you. Your tire slamming into it. No harm done, an annoyance at best. You curse at me. Still, I will […]
I told myself I wasn’t going to post here until I started my short story, but I found an old journal of mine and felt like I should post anyway. I was flipping through it and I was kind of startled at how much I wanted to die. Not because I’m better, but because I have made absolutely no progress. If anything, I’ve gotten worse. I’m more isolated now. I feel things less. I’ve lost any bit of hope I had before.
Damn, usually when I see these types of things, people always say how much better they are, and I’m jealous. I don’t want to […]
Well, I will uh, I’ll keep this concise. I am admittedly young. I am old enough to realize that I have feelings for members of the same sex, and, when my parents found out, indeed, my dad broke into my phone and found my boyfriends contact, we’re not happy. Their supposed perfect son was…. Undesirable as far as they are concerned. They have tried to get me to fix my “lifestyle” and “help me though this phase.” As it is, this is just…. Breaking me. I physisically cannot fathom how who I care about can make me undesirable. And while, I have figured might as […]
Half an hour and I’ll be 25.
Anything could happen tomorrow. Will anyone put some light in my life? I hope so, I’m kind of confident that good things will happen. But I know what happens when you expect too much for your birthday.
Oh, there’s also that… tomorrow will have past a year since the last message I received from my dad. Will he at least let me know that he’s alive? If he does, will he be nice, or just as asshole as he was last year?
Hard to understand? Well it was the first one in a year that didn’t involve suicide in any form.
I dreamt that I was pregnant and the baby was very ill and could not survive. It’s because of something I saw yesterday on Facebook… and I woke up with a horrible feeling… but… the fact that is the first dream without suicides since my stepfather killed himself is kind of good. And also… by writing this I’m realizing that I do want to have a child. Not now, of course, but… it is a true desire. Maybe that’s something to hold on for…
PS: I’m sorry […]
My life is defined by fear. What am I afraid of? That I will never feel happy, peaceful, or content. That I will never experience love, or form any kind of real connection with another person. That I will never see this world, or my life, as truly meaningful.
Why do I fear these things? Experience. It’s been so many years since I felt ok with reality. Since I got a good nights sleep. Since I had a good day. I can’t imagine anything that would make this life seem ok. I can’t imagine anyone ever being able to accept me as I truly am (pathetic, […]
Okay, so this divorce thing has been dragging on for a year. It’s not what I wanted. Sure I could have been a better husband, but that doesn’t really matter now. Have a court appearance next week, hopefully that will resolve the thing once and for all. Visiting with our son tomorrow, I have to try really hard not to talk to him about her. But really the big thing is we’re not getting back together. So I’ve been laying around mostly feeling sorry for myself. I think it’s time to get up off my ass and start trying to build some sort of new […]
i war with myself constantly, going from extreme highs to lowly lows. I don’t know what to do, I always over react and I always make mistakes, I’m like a sporadic pendulumI swing from doing what’s right and what’s wrong so quickly. my life’s a mess.in the long run I think I’m going to get a truck and I’m going to do some traveling probably go from one corner of the Americas to the other. and in the end of find a nice quiet and beautiful place then I will remove my stained from humanity. in the end I guess nothing was worth it, we […]
Just a quick question to the community at large. Taking anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers during the day. Take benzos and sedatives at night to calm myself and help me sleep. Thing is, I’m been getting progressively more and more depressed, especially during the day. Feel like shit during the day too, kind of like a hangover. I’m starting to wonder if the benzos/sedatives are making things worse, almost sorry I started taking them. Anyone have any thoughts about this? Can they add to the depression? Any comments will be much appreciated.
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