I don’t want to get into who I am or why I’m doing what I’m doing. I am going to kill myself tonight. I have checked into a hotel room and it is on the 11th floor. I’m looking down and it is high, I’m sure high enough to kill myself, but I have no faith in my mortality so I don’t know if jumping from this height would be enough. I am however going to land on my back, with my head tilting down so the brain stem is completly shattered. I also have been trying to get a gun for the last couple […]
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So basically my dad told us the news on his birthday which sucked. This was before he left us.
Then my mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She had a lot of treatments done.
What else.. My mum and dad officially got a divorce and my dad stayed at his parents’ house.
I started getting bullied, cyber and at school. I still do, it’s because I’m apparently ‘fat’.
I developed anxiety and depression. I moved out of my mum’s, but got kidnapped back by her, unwillingly. It didn’t last long. I then got a psycologist. I still have her. It sometimes helps, but hardly.
I then moved out of my […]
So I’m from Australia and it’s all the same boring thing…
So here’s my story:
My mum started sleeping around with guys that were not her husband and my dad. I walked in on my mum in ‘action’ and it scarred me for life. It wasn’t easy having a bedroom right next door to hers.
My dad found out and left home, which was tragic for all of us. My mum continued being a slut. Still is.
Dad broke some news to us that he has been diagnosed with Lymphoma cancer.
to be continued…
Mother’s day. I don’t know……
I just gotta say you shouldn’t just appreciate your mom on mother’s day, you should appreciate her every single day. One day when she’s long gone you won’t be able to to tell her how much she means to you or how much you love her. One day she will be gone and you won’t get another.
I gotta admit, I wasn’t the best daughter. I always had some type of anger problems with her. Like sometimes, I have to say, and it hurts to say it, I would hit her. I would get mad and I would be rude. I wouldn’t […]
That’s all I have ever wanted to be; a faithful wife. Sadly, having had you in my life, this will never happen. The only desire in my heart for my entire life has been to simply devote myself completely to someone else and now I know that this will never happen. The depression and anxiety have been eating me alive for years but I hung on with the hope that I would eventually fulfill my dream. Now that this can’t happen, I struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. Oh, I have also since developed bulimia and attempted suicide (though the last […]
Some background info for those not familiar with my posts. The daughter in the title is not my biological child, and I have no claim to her in a legal sense, either. She is my ex-fiancée’s daughter. We were together for 5 1/2 years, and she left me for no reason earlier this year.
She then proceeded to completely erase me from her life. And so have her kids. She has gone back to her ex-husband, who she left in order to be with me. I haven’t seen her or the kids since February 1st.
To this day I don’t know what I did to […]
I love him more than I love myself. I love him more than breathing. The only thing keeping me here is my boyfriend, the flame that keeps me warm eventhough all I feel is the paralyzingly coldness around me. I don’t want to leave him but I can’t stay anymore. What do I do? What can I do that if I do leave this world he will move on, that he won’t blame himself, that he’ll still be happy. I’m tore between my pain and my love, the only good thing left in my heart.
i keep struggling to find myself.. as if who I was completely dissolved into air and what’s left behind is a hunk of junk. today, I’m late for school again. I don’t even want to be here. all these teachers trying to educate us on nonsense that were never going to use in life. I dread school because of how stupid the administration is. I can’t wait for my junior year to be over and see how my senior year goes… if I make it…
Today makes 11 years since i last saw you. 11 whole years since i walked out of your apartment and got into mom’s car. 11 years since you followed me out to tell me you loved me. 11 years since i last looked at you standing in front of me, 11 years since you loaded a gun and ended our lives. i swear i went with you when you died. who i was back then, that girl that loved life and people. that girl that wasnt full of sadness so deep that it literally radiates out into physical pain. i wonder what i would be […]
Everything that can be wrong with a person, is wrong with me. I’m a negative, bitter, asshole, shit-talking, coward piece of shit. I fucking hate myself. I dream of the day I die. I’d kill myself now but I’m the only child, I can’t do that to my parents. I’m a pathetic, lazy ***** that never learned to develop work ethic. I’m useless as fuck. People look at me like I’m an outcast. That awkward weirdo. I have no friends left, I’m lonely as fuck. I want to die so bad.
I know I am responsible for my own life. But it has become so hard.
I don’t know if it is flashbacks or just sickening fantasies. It makes me sick. It makes me anxious. If it is flashbacks then it is reality and I can’t live with that.
I feel desperate. I need rest.
I am scattering into trillions of pieces. Not coping at all. Why would I have such sickening fantasies. What is wrong with me? But if it is true, what then. I don’t know where to turn. Exhausted
I don’t know if anyone will even read all of this and offer some viable help for me to end my suffering. Please I’m not looking for a lecture to the values of life and what not. Also what remains of my once dysfunctional family is chipped away to only my very elderly judgmental mother and me, we are barely in touch, we didn’t even talk at my dad’s funeral. I just need advise to exit in a dignified and painless way.
I was an intelligent kid with a high IQ and EQ. Born in Asia and sent to university in NA by age of 15. […]
I need the edge of insanity, to know I’m not crazy.
I want to share the darkest parts of me, be heard and understood.
I crave my death, but will fight for last breaths.
Inside I’m dead, I died when you left.
I can only see my beauty, inside empty hearts.
I need to suffer for my pleasure, I want to suffer for my art.
Are you the one to take me there? Come play loves darkest game.
Mark me with dark bruises, in time they’ll fade away.
Watch me through your windows, while im […]
I’ve suffered from depression a lot in my life. In the late 1990’s, approaching 40 years old, I fell into a deep depression my wife later said I should have been hospitalized for. I was overweight, had left my job and sold our home hoping to follow my dreams. I was (and still am) married with 3 of my 5 children still at home. The 2 oldest had started college.
The money I made from selling our home began dwindling away. I didn’t have a concrete plan or goal as to what I wanted to do but just a vague idea. I ended up moving my […]
I’ve always felt like a failure. Never good enough. I feel so empty inside. My mother always saw me as weak and my father, well I don’t know. I always wanted to make my family proud. I was raised to do better than my parents, but I’m not enough, just a failure….i have 3 beautiful daughters and it hurts my heart that I am even considering taking my life….it’s selfish, they need me and I need them, but I am not enough. People have hurt me, abused me, and have broken me..there is nothing left. All I ever wanted was to be loved, but as […]
My essence, my essence, oh, eureka . . .
Hurl me, only my good friend knows
I lost or made one tonight
Whoa, but last night
I ate real quick and left
My essence, my essence, oh, eureka . . .
Rolling, my bike
Oh, Eureka
Where are you going
Zodiac, inside
Pegasus versus
To the other side
Totem, I chant to the sky
Hear me, heed, warrior
I thought I’d feel better when you get back.
When you were here I felt like I could do something right.
And when you left it just left me feeling empty
Now that you’re back, I thought I’d have a purpose again
Trying to help you, because I thought it would help me
Trying to figure out ways to make you happy
Of course it wouldn’t be easy.
Definitely one of the hardest things to do is get better
I thought I’d be able to help you get better, but
Even that I can’t do.
You’ll see what I want to be, when you get back […]
Basically.. My birth mother was a fucking drug addict. She did cocaine while being pregnant with me. Therefore I was born with a congenital heart defect called hypo plastic left heart syndrome (basically I was born without the left side of my heart.) I lived with that piece of shit until I was 8 years old. She physically abused me everyday, very harshly. I was never good enough. At 8 years old I moved in with my father. May 1st 2010 I had a heart transplant. On my 12th birthday I was diagnosed with cancer. My father is very verbally abusive. When he found out […]
Every day I go thru this. Even on this site, nobody cares, forever the invisible person, hearing his voice in my head. I am tired of bearing the unbearable alone in a triggering hell. I am tired b/c people’s casual judgment can’t begin to touch how bad the remains of what csa has done to me, a battering and torture of my mind heart body and spirit. They can judge thru these words not understanding the anguish I feel in my soul, how my brain can feel so scary, how noise batters me, how his horrible voice accosts me, how I have panic attacks in […]
Tall, proud flowers project
Plucked one by one
Until I am all that is left
No competition for sun
Instead of basking and having fun
I shrink down to the size of a thumb
For I made the other plants feel dumb