Monday is when I go back to college but I’ve been falling slowly now. My grip on life is getting weaker by the day. Yet, I realized I’m beyond saving, be it by my own strength or another person’s. At the beginning of this forked path, I’ll post every uplifting/encouraging Japanese song I know for a week or so. The first one is Only Human by K, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppINLeLEnFo. Here’s hoping it helps you more than it did me.
I’m tired. Exhausted. My body wants to curl up into a fetal position and sleep for the next 2000 years.
Maybe life is better in 4016.
I you see, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to put my family through such sorrow and grieving. I love them all too much to chose to leave in sudden death. I don’t want to leave my mother wondering what she could have done better, or if she had said the right thing. I couldn’t do that to her, she doesn’t deserve that.
But I want to leave. I never used to be all that religious, but recently something has changed for […]
It’s 5am , don’t want to sleep. My life is a jungle I shouldn’t have traversed and I’m stuck in the quicksand of my own errors. Things will not change for me. I will eventually be swallowed and surrounded by warm shadows. I want nothing, I want to be nothing. There’s almost nothing left of me. I switch from being numb to being in pain until once again I feel nothing, a maelstrom that I will never escape. Maybe it’s time I got off this ride.
There may be no doors for this Dungeon, but there’s still a way out.
I’m going to kill myself. The world would be better without me. Who would miss me? I could count the people on one hand? Suicide is not selfish. It is in fact selfish of the people around me to not let me let kill myself. I should have done this years ago. I live alone. It would take days for anyone to notice. No one would check. He wouldn’t give two shits. He’s moved on. You were unimportant to him. You really are unimportant to several people. The only people who might care are mom and dad. Everyone else will move on. That’s what people […]
problems with parents. depressed. suicidal.
my mother finds every excuse to beat me, yell at me and ruin me. ive been told many times to kill myself by her, to leave, to go to an orphanage, but to mostly just die. it was terrible before but it’s only getting worse. recently she locked me outside of the house at night in below freezing weather, while it was raining and left me there for a near hour, locking the doors of the house. then, on the same day, she said to me “either i die or you die” and kicked me out of the house again for […]
I shouldn’t tell myself this but life reminds me of what i am. Idk why i post here still. Maybe because i don’t have a sure method to die. I wish i wasnt born and im old and meaningless and i keep getting reminded of how horrid my life has been my life is and will be. Im too incompetent to continually do anything about it. I hate being a fuckup. I hope i have a heart attack soon. I’ve been rejected abandoned neglected. I have no support system or meaningful relationships i do want to die. I am immobile, agoraphobic, perpetually suicidal. No one […]
Well its been 14 days since the new year. I guess the only new me thing I started to do was cry myself to sleep, cutting, being dead inside after my life is superficially spent helping my best friend with her almost boyfriend. I can barely do anything. Work is my escape because no one knows, no one cares, no one understands me enough to know. I laugh and take care of the petty issues that exist in the restaurant world.
Im so stupid.
Im so dumb.
Im such a bad person.
I could just leave.
I don’t understand.
Everybody hates me.
I don’t deserve anything.
Life is a trap.
Im so confused.
I could just die.
Torture.
Violence.
Kill myself.
Im mean.
Everyone is so nice, and I’m so horrible.
Im alone.
I don’t know why, I just wanted to make a list to see if I could right out everything from my head, I couldn’t, I’m not good at writing.
its probably only me but I just find life too hard. I hate the way my mind works, I just see the bad in everything and feel like I cant fit in with these happy go lucky optimistic people.
I wish there was a way to talk about issues and improve things before they got so bad. But when I was a teenager, I thought they were already really bad, was struggling back then and I didnt want to admit to anything because that would put me in a deeper hole that I already was in.
Just wish there were people that could have helped me when […]
The mind-numbing monotony of my life is driving me fucking insane. I feel like a dead person already.
How many days of my life have I wasted doing nothing? I don’t want to think about it.
Today was absolutely horrible . I’m in the verge of tears . I can’t wait to get home and cry in my bed.
It just started with waking up. Monday’s are hard to wake up to . I hate leaving bed .
Then class . My dental assisting teacher fucking pisses me off . She expects me to know everything and anything . I was taking X-rays on a mannequin (it’s so hard) and I was trying to make sure they were perfect so I could show her . She came in after 15 minutes and asked me how long am I gonna take ?! She […]
Every time I try to do things right something comes up. I take 2 steps forward and 4 backwards like literally. My love life is horrible I got played and used so many times it’s not even funny. My hospital bills and student loans are ridiculous and I didn’t even get to finish school. All I ever wanted is to be happy I’m 25 and I haven’t yet to be happy.
My entire life is a nightmare. I didn’t think things could get any worse but they did, they can always get worse. I have no hope for a future. It would only consist of anxiety and loneliness, of being haunted by what my has been so far. I can’t do that, I just can’t. I’m 29 years old and I have given up. I feel too old to start over, too old to have the life I’ve always wanted. Because it’s too late now. I’m too young to be close to death, too young to have the health problems take over and kill me.
I’ve thought […]
I have been trying to push through but some days it gets too hard. I am not who I wish I were and I cannot have the impact that I wish I could have. I feel like I am useless and can’t help anyone. I feel like I’m stupid to try. Feel like I can’t help myself. Feel like there is no point living. feel like things are always tumbling but that sometimes i close my eyes and I can’t tell that they are. It feels like every time i open my eyes things are still melting away but I try to hide these feelings […]
It’s been a very long time since I have visited here. It’s been at least two months since I wrote anything here and since I felt this lost. Tonight however, was the first time in what feels like an eternity that I felt completely lost, alone, helpless, and like no one was ever going to be able to be trusted again.
You see, to understand you would have to know what it felt like to be living a type of Quintin Terentino movie that felt all too much like a dream but one that you could never wake up from. Add to that a movie […]
As eminem would say, i`m having a full blown relapse. I stopped taking anti depressants a while ago. I tried different ones, different doses, took them for years. None of them worked out for me, they all made me feel nothing. I still prefer the pain over just nothing. I now use all kinds of drugs. Sometimes they give me a feeling that is close to being happy. But sometimes they make me feel the pain and hear the voices even more. I tried killing myself a fuew days ago. Had the rope ready, ant in total drunkenness i fell of the chair and woke […]
Do you ever think that maybe this life is hell? That maybe we lived a life before and we are all in hell? That our only way out is to seek redemption or go farther into the pit. I sometimes wonder if the people who commit suicide get the redemption. That we have realized that we aren’t suppose to be in this world. That we were a mistake and our only way out, our only way to get to our redemption and happiness is to kill ourselves. Because that is how I view our world. That this is hell. We were in the normal world […]
I have come to the conclusion that life is some sick experimental scheme that we can curtail by refraining from reproduction . By walking hand in hand into the beautiful glare of oblivion and hence opting out of this Raw deal. Imagine the unfairness of yanking an innocent soul from the comfort of oblivion and casting it into this painful thresher called life. If you have Kids, love them. If you don’t have them, please just be kind enough not bring them into this sick […]
4th Jan 2016
I’m currently having some severe symptoms of anxiety (or which I think severe, but may not be so).
Feeling low again, extremely low..
I need someone to talk to.. someone to hug. I’m not even strong enough to cry right now.
I know I should go to a doctor for the satisfaction of my mind’s queries. I cannot answer them all by myself.
What should I do? What should I do??
Panic…. Panic….
I think my life is over. My life is literally over.
I’m telling honestly, from my heart.
I feel like I cannot cope with all the problems I have. My […]
For some reason, one of the things I really want in my life is to be abused. I want to be mentally and physically abused by someone because I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I don’t deserve to be in a healthy relationship with someone. I need to be in a relationship that is destructive and I don’t know why.