I am broken
I fear I’ve always been this way
what was it that broke me?
i doubt anyone could say
the doctors are confused
I lived a good life
supporting parents
no abuse
yet I’m broken
i often pretend I’m not
pretend I’m whole
pretend I’m happy
but I can never pretend for long
I think most people have some idea of a ‘worthwhile life’. Maybe it involves being in love. Raising a family. Or close friends. Fulfilling work. Expressing yourself creatively. Or just enjoying yourself – sex, drugs, rock & roll (or whatever else floats your boat.)
But for some of us, those meaningful things seem out of reach, or we’re prevented from enjoying them by obstacles. Perhaps we believe ourselves incapable (or undeserving) of love or friendship. Unable to connect with others. Or we’re crippled by extreme social anxiety, and unable to function. Weighed down by feelings of loss or loneliness. Maybe we suffer from chronic pain and […]
caveats, inherent to their nature and purpose, usu come after, being creatures that covet comfort, but fuck strunk and white (writers know who the fuck these O-muthafuckin-Gs are) but CAVETE*** if I were asked, what are you rebelling against, my bone marrow would diffuse the clichéd and ironic answer,….;”what the fuck you got?’ thru evry poor, every vessel; my body w2ould find itself inclined, not a single fiber exempt, interstitial fluid would provide the bass line….society no longer bothers me, and there is something intrinsicly wrong with that…but i digress….***cavete; the longer thiese linesz proliferate out into the void of the dead that walk among […]
There was a time when I was fairly content with life. Took a lot of things for granted, things I should’ve cherished but instead just let them pass me by. I let myself just dwindle, sliding down further without me even knowing it. I wish there was a way I could go back in time and tell my reckless, dumb self to be more wary and careful. This all stemmed from me never looking at myself with love, I always thought I had to prove something, to be someone I was never meant to be. I should’ve just accepted who I was. If life presents […]
My sister happened to discover the brilliance of creating art on our skin. She had danced her paintbrush across the canvas, creating a crimson stain, a promised scar awaiting the near future. I know she had to have learned them from somewhere. From someone. The saying “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” has never held such a deep meaning before. She learned it from me. Her big sis. And why don’t I feel guilty for not teaching her the harsh and damaging effects of self damage? Why don’t I feel guilty that she has to conceal her wounds until further notice? I think […]
I can’t even think. I feel dead inside. There’s always a reason to keep me down. SROs are like prisons that you pay market rate apartment rent for, to have a prison cell sized room, be controlled, moniotred, have your belongings rummaged through every othe day, and aren’t allowed to have visitors beyond common areas. Fuck that. I hope I don’t get in. I’m going to put an end to this shit soon.
I don’t even feel as in love as I once did. He kind of pisses me off that he can complain about his life and problems, even posting on Facebook that he wanted […]
This morning I drove 6 hours from Phoenix to Los Angeles to spend a couple of days with the most beautiful human being I have ever known. He is an elderly, British gentleman, a Royal Chaplain (meaning he was once assigned by the Archbishop of Canterbury in England, to take charge of a small chapel in Wales which is still under the “protection” of the Crown), a Franciscan Friar, and my friend.
A week ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. At 84 years of age, after two previous battles with cancer, he is too frail to undergo a strenuous attempt at fighting it […]
Riding a bicycle into traffic. No one but me would ever know it was not an accident. But I would not be around to tell. Will I do it? Probably never. But with life going to crap so much recently, I have been thinking about it a lot.
honestly i’m just so fucking tired of everything.
i’ve gone past the stage of feeling depressed, to the feeling empty and numb inside. everyday, i’m walking around like a zombie, my mind blank and not really listening to anything, yet on the outer side, i seem to be laughing and socialising. and it wows me just how much a smile can hide. haha.
what future do i have in life? everyday, it’s just the same thing over and over again, if you’re a student, going to school, coming back home, occasional trips out with your friends, if you’re a working adult, going to work, coming back home, […]
i don’t know, i’m not even that old. but life just seems so tiring and pointless, every day, i do the same thing, and i don’t even do it well, and i just can’t find the energy to do anything. yet in front of everyone i have to put up a smile, and act like i’m ok with this life. and maybe i need to quote megan louisa garcia when i say it seems like right now, the most i can hope for is persevering through life, not enjoying it, not living it, and that’s really not what i want. at times, i just feel […]
what defines life as successful?
Just those typical brain clouds again, swirling around, filled with negativity, hopelessness, death. I’m fantasizing about something I shouldn’t be but I just can’t help it. It’s not about beating my thoughts anymore, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are simply just there, and they will stay there most likely. It’s almost a peaceful feeling knowing that something is out of your control and you just have to accept it. They come and go, I try not to dwell on them but there are those times where I am just consumed. That is when I feel the most lost, when I am a victim […]
I fully give up in finding housing. There’s absolutely no place for me in this world. I’m completely fucking useless and a throw away of society with a computer degree, (almost) film degree, and IQ of 137. It all means nothing. Homeless and transgender, physical disabilities and failing health due to homelessness and lack of sleep. No one gives a fuck and there is no help. No one wants to live with someone obese. No one wants to live with someone over the age of 30. No one will rent to someone with bad credit. No one will rent to someone who’s background check produces […]
Not that I think of suicide. Its just that part of life where nothing excites me. I feel no enthusiasm for anything that i can do. Tell me if this feeling is normal so i can keep my sanity in check.
18 here
I really hate the word reality. I hate when my mom storms in to my room
and tells me that lying in bed and taking naps all the time isn’t reality. She tells me I have to get up and sometimes I feel like I can’t. I don’t want to and it would be heaven if I could stay in my bedroom forever. It’s my safe place and I feel like no one can hurt me here. Today my mom came in to my room and she told me I had to start […]
I cling to life, not to hope.
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Suicide
it seems so easy
no more pain
just one little step
and your life becomes in vain
it’s just so tempting
no more sarrow
a couple of pils
and no tomorrow
it seems about right
no more suffering
just one little cut
and no more fighting
its just so soothing
no more contest
just one quick shot
and your finally at rest
just jump off the bridge
across the river of life
lights out forever blind
but what of the hurt
of those you leave behind
When I finally get the courage to step out of this joke called life, I want my obituary to be honest. “She is survived by her cats, the only living creatures that loved her unconditionally. Some people on a website might be sad she’s gone, but the rest of us couldn’t be bothered to treat her like anything but a burden while she was alive. We’ll just brush aside the fact she was the most loyal person we ever met. Thank goodness she’s gone!”
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