Things have changed ever so slightly. As I feel myself pulling back from all the friends that have supported me throughout high school, and losing touch even more with my true best friend, who lives long distance, things are getting better. I met a girl this year who has really changed me for the better, and is a true friend I can rely on and makes me happy for once and allows me to have fun. I just dont ever think I can get to that deep emotional level where I can share about my depression and anxiety with her. Its hard, and eats away […]
Tag:
losing
It’s my senior year and I’m afraid of losing touch with my friends… That’s all I can think about and it scares me. I don’t want to let them go like some of my old friends. Please, how do I keep updated and in touch with them when I’m done with high school?
Yup. totally and utterly numb.
It feels like someone has turned off a switch in my head and switched on autopilot mode. I am doing daily chores, smiling and talking to family, going to work and coming back home, cook meals, and cut.
Its like a routine and for last two weeks I cut on my thighs (so that my hubby wont see) every other day just to make sure that I am still alive. The pain is the only reminder left of life.
Oh how I wish, this routine would include studying… I am at the verge of being thrown out of my PhD, both my supervisors extremely […]
I’ll be using SP as my dream journal as long as I’m having these horrible nightmares.
I dream about that day. The day he died. I have been dreaming about it mostly every time I go to sleep. This was one reason I refused to sleep for weeks. I didn’t want to sleep because I was afraid of seeing him in my dreams. Afraid of losing him over and over again. In my dreams is where he is alive. I wake up to the reality that he is gone. That’s what hurts more than anything. Each time, he dies. I try to save him somehow, but […]
This will be my 3rd post since discovering this website yesterday… I feel so alone and hopeless In life and I do want to face the pain anymore. After losing the only love of my life to someone else is Undescribable. I have been researching different methods on how to end my life peacefully. Yesterday I research the helium hood for around 12 hours. I have now opted for the ******** method… How long it will take for me to execute I have no idea until I summon the courage to do it I guess.. This is the only option I have as obtaining a […]
Really? Like really?
How the hell do I do this every day? I’m tired. I want to stop smiling. Nothing in me feels like smiling. Yet, when someone talks to me, I give them the warmest smile that makes it seem as though I’m okay.
How do I do this? I feel like I’ve been programmed to smile or something. Have I become that good at faking being okay and happy that I don’t even know how to shut it off anymore? I’m tired of faking now.
I just cried my eyes out while taking a bath. Then I get out, and I’m smiling like nothing happened. […]
and then she agreed to talk to me, like she did yesterday…..
and same as yesterday…..Nothing….
cant win for losing…..
and I was doing so much better…..
Today im telling my sister that i need help. Im 22 all my life i thought shit would be okay but its not. Mu battle with depression has caused lots of cuts covering my arms and legs and 3 suicide attempts. Im losing. Medicine just didnt cut it. Life always seem to fuck me over in new ways. Nothingd never okay. So this is my last stand. Hopefully i can get the help i need. Wish me luck.
Imagination.
Imagine having no spouse, no significant other. Nobody that gives a shit whether you live, or die.
Imagine losing your house, or rather having it taken from you on the whims of others. Imagine this happening multiple times.
Imagine your children scoffing at your efforts, your love, your time, your value in their lives. Imagine living as a money tree, only visited when the fruits of your efforts are desirable pickings.
Imagine not being worthy of friendship, companionship, or love. You know this through constant and consistent demonstration.
Imagine being shunned by coworkers and peers. You are not enough. You are weird. Why do you wear that hat freak?
Imagine […]
After lurking for a few months this is my first post here, let me just apologise beforehand for any spelling and grammar mistakes, english is not my native language.
i wish my parents were already dead so i could just go ahead and off myself, they have been so good to me throughout life i feel i can’t put them through the pain and grief of losing their only son.
But i dont know how much longer i can take this.
Every day I wake up with the same thought
Reminiscing about the losing battles that I fought
I remind myself of these miserable pasts
So that I may learn and achieve victory at last
Sometimes I win a battle but not the war
I still go on for what I’m fighting for
But lately I have only met defeat
Making it harder to stand on my feet
Must I give up and accept this fate?
Living in shackles with a heavy weight?
I refuse to live in such a way
But losing […]
When you keep opening up and giving someone your all, then they turn around and fuck you over every time, it slowly starts to take a toll on you. You start losing pieces of yourself, and friends start to leave you. You slowly start to hate yourself because of what you’ve turned into and you eventually get pushed to the edge and slowly start falling off into a downward spiral of tears and other horrible things. You know they are the only one that can help you because they are the only one you want, but every time you just get hurt worse […]
I am losing control, I am losing myself, I have held on to me for so long, but my grasp of reality is slipping, I feel it, with every word that is spoken to me, with every look that’s given, I fall more, I lose myself more, I am drifting back to that pool of sadness that last time almost ate me whole.
sometimes i cant think about anything but death
but when i see the one that smashed me and raped my heart before my body seeking my death
i say that i will not surrender i will not fade
i will be stronger than all that happened to me ,, i will never break ,, maybe i am already broken and feeling death through my vines
he wants me to die
and i will never help him to be pleasured
i will smile i will laugh i will be strong and forget everything about my pain
i will never ask to be dead again and never think about it ,, i will kill […]
I have been struggling with anxiety for around five years now, and I thought I was getting better. And then Thursday rolled around. I took the ACT this weekend, and I was studying for it. It really didn’t seem that bad, until my heart started racing. My head started to hurt, my knees buckled, I started to cry. The normal panic symptoms. The worst part: I was home alone. You think a panic attack is bad. Going through it without anyone there makes you feel so alone and desperate. I hadn’t thought about suicide in two months, and all the sudden, all the thoughts came […]
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