I thoughtI was strong enough, I thought I would find purpose, but all I find is a crushing pain.
I am alone, I have nothing in my life that brings joy, only pain. I know now that I have just 1 week left here. I cannot carry on like this, I am stuck and I have to make a decision. I need to move on and I need to do it soon. I will spend 1 more week at work, let people see me in my current state (I have lost over 88 pounds/40 kilos) in the last year and I am skeletal to say the […]
The ability to think is infinite, the options are scarce in the analysis, and the desicion at the end is unique and irreparable. If wrong the worst, if succesful the best. Once you’ve lost everything that has meaning and importance, once you’ve tried to recover it, trying all possible options to try and failed in every one of them, once you realize it wasn’t possible you tried the impossible and still didn’t work out. Once you have resigned to not getting anything back but still you can’t forget it. One time that becomes one thousand and one times. However this must be an opportunity to […]
Got this website while browsing, like my heading state im 30 going on 31 and still want to die every day, some days worse then the others. I would never commit suicide, but i do know that if I could die for someone, if I could go in someone elses place that still want this earth, I would gladly take her.his place. I have searched for 30 years for my purpose which i believe i did what i had and was expected of me -yet dying is what i live for.
The old me held on to hatred
The new me holds on to love
The old me would hurt others on a whim
The new me tries to help others whenever possible
The old me hated the world
The new me loves the world
The old me embraced the Darkness
The new me embraces the Light
The old me signed a contract with the Devil
The new me has given himself to Life
The old me thought that he was a god
The new me knows that he is a servant
The old me was a masochist
The new me is an optimistÂ
The old […]
Up till now, i have always tried to change my life.
I have tried to be consistent, in everything but failed..in everything.
Everything i try from losing weight to even brushing my teeth ends up not being done, and im sick of it, im sick of it all, life is a god damn chore that i don’t want to join, its sucks,i have no one else that understands me, no one, all i have are idiots around me, my family and friends will never understand me and how painful it is thinking this way, getting up to wash your face feels like climbing a mountain.
I will never […]
It’s been at the back of my mind for a while. But now I’ve come to realise that it’s more than just suicidal thoughts. I’ve gotten to a point where I just have this really strong feeling that there’s something not right about me being alive. It’s not a result of bullying or any sort of trauma, it’s just a feeling, a really strong one. Over the past few weeks I’ve been putting myself through relatively dangerous “tests” to see whether I belong here or not. So far, I’ve survived them (clearly) but they’re not enough proof for me that I belong anymore. I just […]
To me the only way to live is to say its my life and I will do what ever I fucking feel like doing. If I don’t want to go to school I dont go, If I feel like going outside at 3am I say fuck the curfew. I will no longer have anybody ever again tell me what to do and I will personally clash with anybody telling me otherwise. I dont give a fuck about societies norms and expectations and Fuck getting a job. I am obligated to absolutely fucking nothing at all becuase I didnt even choose to live this life. If […]
It seems as if though everything is getting better but I don’t know….. I am still sad…. Yet, I am happy too now. My so called “friend” is going around and saying that I’m knocked up… I can’t take more rumors…. I feel like breaking down and crying… I don’t know what to do anymore… I wish that someone could help me…. It seems as if no one can, though.. I am nothing really. Just a girl with a lot of problems… Nothing special about me really…. Being put down your whole life changes how you look at yourself…. I wish that I could smile […]
Feet don’t fail me now
Take me to the finish line
All my heart, it breaks every step that I take
But I’m hoping that the gates,
They’ll tell me that you’re mine
Walking through the city streets
Is it by mistake or design?
I feel so alone on a Friday night
Can you make it feel like home, if I tell you you’re mine
It’s like I told you honey
Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don’t know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let’s go get high
The road is long, we […]
I’ve never attempted suicide, but I find myself thinking about dying ALOT. Wondering who would care, how would their lives be, who would miss me, if my ex would feel guilty, how would I die, who would be at my funeral. I feel as if these thoughts consume a part of me that is too much to bare. Here I am 9:20 am. I should be in class but of course I woke up today with no sense of motivation, wondering why I woke up in the first place. I fucked myself over again, I failed last semester, &failed this semester too because I have […]
A few things happened today, one good, one bad.
Starting with the bad, my dad yelled at me for eating today. He yelled at my sisters and I for eating too much today and said that we have to ask before we eat anything anymore. My dad gets really mad sometimes, and when he does he exaggerates punishments. But what he doesn’t understand is how powerful his words are to me. Last year I stopped eating. Starving became my life, calories and exercise were my gods, I worshiped them like no other. I lost 20 pounds, went from weighing 123 to 103 in much less than […]
I saw the mist that day and it entranced me.
I went in not because I chose to be different, or I chose to be something else; I consciously was drawn to it, the mystique, the vapor, the aroma.
I left the group and went down the misty path. I loved it. Everything around me swelled up and was lost. Slowly I lost sight of where I came from. I wondered where I was going, who I was going to meet in this mist.
The beads of water fell onto my face. The cold bit my nose ever so gently, the air was lively and dark. The lights […]
I’ve lost everything. Its all gone. I just lost my boyfriend cause I’ve been doing some bad things. I’ve lost my friends cause they don’t want to be around someone who is suicidal and needs their help. My famaily were never there cause all they do is criticise me. My sister says that she never criticises me but thats all she ever does. I feel so worthless, so alone. Nothing is here for me anymore. I’ve lost it all. All because I am depressed. Its all gone.
I am surrounded by people yet I am so lonely, my husband doesn’t love me, thenonlynman that did is dead, my dad, my mom adores my brother that have taken from me my life, money love and I work hard for everything. My own husband doesn’t provide for me less emotionally. I a a piece of meat. I’m lost so tired I just wishnJesus would come for me. It was a mistake to be born. I don’t fit in and I am worthless to all. Now my greatest joy mynjob isntakingnanchange formthenworse, and all I have is a computer to type and hope that […]
I am just sitting here and I just randomly start crying… I wanna just cut or kill myself so that I don’t cry anymore…. I hate crying…. I grew up learning that it was wrong to cry and that we couldn’t talk about anything… So I don’t talk to anyone about it… I wish that I could….. I wanna just open my arm and bleed out… Idk anymore
Every doctor pretty much makes it seem as though if you take this medicine, everything will get better. Sadly, that ain’t the truth. I have been taking medicine since I was in 6th grade and look at me. I am STILL depressed and I STILL have a lot of anxiety and anger. Can medicine really help you? No. It can help you a little. It can slightly make you happier and slightly less anxious, but that’s not always the case. When I cry, I can’t stop crying for about an hour. My anxiety gets so bad that I shake to the point that I can’t […]
You try and try again
But the pages keep filling themselves in
How ever much you want to change
Things will never be the same
And the pages keep filling themselves in
There’s no room to stop
With no choice but to get lost
Lost in the pages you help create
This is a book written in pen, you cannot erase
This is life and you’re only given time
Time to waste
And skip a few things
Miss a few words, misunderstand a few scenes
Get lost within the stories we all make
It’s just a big reality we all face
We’re forced to get to the end, but it’s not a race
Since the beginning, you get more pages each […]
I’ve been wanting to address this idea for at least a few days now. I know that I am not going to recover and that redemption is not by any means guaranteed. I almost feel sorry for people that feel that way since it can be a real set up for disappointment and for me not worth pursuing. Truly I can’t tolerate any more disappointment I’d rather just be satisfied with the beating I’ve taken, the fact that I lost.
I would just say “Yes, Steve, you lost.”
Lost inside idk where to go
trapped with anger, lost of all hope
no finger pointing, only I who is to blame
Im shackled and caged filled FULL of rage
If I wrap this sheet around my neck
I can put water to the blaze
Satan got ahold of me, BOY is he vicious
gave up on myself, dont even care about christmas
miracles dont happen, so I accept my fate
trapped in my own mind there is no escape
razors and knives pierce thru my heart
misery filled conscience, stand alone in the dark
nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
failure hurts, I just want to die
written in summer of 2011, but just bought my charcoal grill […]
I hate myself. I am stupid. I am ugly. I am fat . I am died inside. I am alone. I am fat. I am selfish. I am annoying . I am a person who wants help but can tell anyone in fear of them judgeing me. I am finished.
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