If you are at the point when suicide is inevitable – it is not a matter of IF but WHEN – does it make sense to start distancing yourself from family and friends? Not sure if it would help but I have to believe it is easier to miss someone you remember as a jerk. I have intentionally not responded to calls and texts from my kids and a very good friend in hopes that maybe it will make them not care so much about me dying. I know it’s stupid but I’m going to do it any way.
Tag:
maybe
I don’t have the faith, nor self esteem. But the ability to try, the potential. I can, but i feel mentally weak and doubt myself. What is it that pulls me down every time? maybe its the opposite of what pushes me up every time; you know tao and all that. Perhaps the question is not how to move up but how to keep stable. It’s the attraction in degradation that pulls me down. I need to avoid/prevent that while remaining true with myself.
I need to be above things. i need to distinguish between what is utility and what is me. I have experienced such states when […]
Do you ever just stop and think that maybe you are being too selfish? Then you turn around and realize that you know nothing about yourself because you let your acts towards others define who you think you are? I was asked today, by a wonderful friend of mine, what I wanted to do with my life. Where I wanted to go to college, and what career path that I wanted to take. I answered the college because that has been a map of mine that I have followed for a couple of years, but I cannot for the life of me, think about what […]
Do you ever find yourself writing letters that you’ll never send? I don’t mean actual pen and paper letters, like maybe written down on your computer or as a draft in your inbox?
I’m doing it more often these days.
I write letters to everyone. Family. Friends. And you.
I think if I went I’d want them to be delivered to people. They are my essence. My everything. I don’t know any kind of post mortem delivery system for the suicidal though.
I find myself staring at the belt more and more. Nothing special. An old brown leather belt. It holds my weight, I’ve checked. So does the bed […]
Well, it looks like my psychiatrist is going out of business, as if mental health wasn’t already underfunded enough. I don’t know if anyone who worked at the place will start up a business here. I guess wealth and a great education go hand in hand, so maybe those doctors can form a new business, or maybe I’ll just be on my own from here on out. At any rate, nothing has really changed. I’m still bitter and I barely leave my room. I still have no friends because people make me contemplate the ultimate futility and disillusionment I feel when pursuing relationships. Plus, another […]
Ever since I was 13 I had sucicidel thoughts, I would cut almot daily, I was pretty much on my own and I would barley say a word, I’ve also atempted suicide but by destiny’s hand I still alive. I saw this as a sign, that maybe things in my life would get better, all the wrong would turn right and the darkness in me would fade. My depression and anxity where disapearing my problems didn’t seem so big any more. I’m 19 now and I feel as if nothing has changed, I feel that I was lieing to myself. My dad would take his frustration […]
I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.
by ToastIsMe
written by ToastIsMe
Ironically, I can’t actually describe what it feels like anymore. In September and October all I wanted was to forget and stop feeling- I was so certain that would solve my problems. Now I’ve forgotten so much I’m not even the same person. I have no idea what to say to people anymore. Writing is easier because you only see the finished product, you don’t see me daydreaming or imagining, or pausing; you just read this and that’s it. Face to face I find myself just sitting there staring. The only people I talk to are my roommate who is a self absorbed moron and […]
Hey everyone. My last post is Urgent Please Read! if you wanna see my whole story. Anyways I really just want to die now. My parents are so freaking annoying, my friends all hate me b/c of a stupid rumor and now my sister doesnt like me anymore. Why? Well we used to hang out every week. Then she got a job working for a family of millionaires. They have a daughter my same age. They do EVERYTHING together. Now we only hang out maybe once a month. She never invites me to do anything and she gets mad whenever I say something. No this is […]
Empty
Fading
Nothing
Now comes the warm pleasant burn
Drips become trickles
Trickles become waterfalls
Waterfalls become floods
Temporary relief, instant shame
What have I done
I’ve done it again
Always a disappointment
A Bitter sweet sin
Why is this the world I’m stuck in
Daily hell
Nothing but an empty shell
Drown the sorrows
Down another glass
Few more pills, maybe it’ll pass
Completely numb I lay awake
Praying for my soul to take
I was encouraged by impefertluck to write tonight.
There are so many people hurting and so much pain. Know you can get through your personal struggle and hurts. It can often seem like you can’t. Feelings lie. Maybe that sounds pretentious. Feelings lead us to conclude things we never would have if the feelings hadn’t been so strong.
I have dealt with my depression for over 20 years. I had counseling but no one listened to me when I talked about the pain of my family life so many years before. So, instead of understanding that the depression came from a situation I had no control over, […]
During my darkest times in life, I had nothing to resort to but pain and misery, on the brink of ending it all looking down at the depths of it all and seeing peace and happiness once and for all. I thought I could never be saved and nearly killed myself 3 times but somehow I just wouldn’t die. I’ve been to an asylum, etc. talked to various shrinks but at the end of the day, none of it could help, only I could. That was 4 years ago during my junior year of high school when I was displaced from everything I knew of. […]
Is it possible to actually die of boredom? I’m desperately hoping so. For the past few months, it’s been just so boring. School is a waste of time. I get all A’s, a B, and a C. I spend the day learning useless factoids that will never be necessary in later life, and then maybe go home and play music, and then just watch TV and eat ice cream before going to bed. Then, the game begins again. The weekends are just a continuation of my after-school activity, and they’re boring too because I remember that school is a day or so away. I have […]
I sit here looking out my window wishing a stray bullet would just come through and end it all.
Other times i sit and see the Semi trucks pass by. wondering and knowing it could end if I would just step right out in front of it.
Another night of self hatred. No way to get out, No way to make anything better.
Maybe for once Something will answer my pleads and just finish me off.
I wouldnt care if i died in a brutal way. Just want it to end.
No strength to fight, NO strength to end it myself. NO power to get by.
I am a ghost who […]
The world can be changed in a fort night by a person with a strong conviction to do so.
where does one find the strength, i wonder, to be the arbiter of their own fate, and still find
the means nessacary to empart their brand of wisdom on humanity
I understand now that I never had a chance against these convicted people, because I
flock to folly, I just cant stand against the tide of human emotion,its all just to fucking much to feel.
I am a runaway in my own skin, I am making a concious and concerted effort to check out, I just don’t […]
First, I fully admit that this is childish and stupid, but it pisses me the hell off, so I’m going to write about it. (In retrospect, I think I got mad about the same thing last year – there’s a fucking suprise.)
Friday was my birthday. As with every other year, no one remembered other than my parents. (Which I am grateful for – they’re getting up there in years and my mom is terminally ill, so it meant a lot.) But, what makes me mad is that I have “friends”. I call these friends, I try to be there, to listen, to help out, etc. […]
I dont want to die. Really I dont. But the pain is stronger than the will to live. It dominates my thoughts. It wont give me a break. I try to sleep it away, but I cant sleep long enough. Honestly I wish I would never wake up. Maybe if it were as easy as flipping a switch I would turn my life off. What I really want is my happiness. I want my family back. But without them, I am overwhelmed, and I think I have to end.
So. Tonight I was the closest I’ve ever gotten to finally killing myself. I mean it’s been maybe 8 months since I came to the conclusion that I needed to die, yet all I have to show for it are some fading scratches on my arm. It’s also been only a little bit shorter since I’ve started cutting myself – not so much because it made me feel better, but to get used to the pain and basically practice. I have to admit though, it usually did make the pain go away for the moment – except today. I made a deliberately deeper cut than […]
I don’t know what to do I try and explain how I’m feeling to friends and they just say your fine. But I don’t feel fine. Most people see me and a nice funny smart person and wouldent think I’m depressed but I can’t eat I throw up the meal a day I way I can’t sleep . I don’t get it I need help but no one seems to care I honestly lost the thing that kept me going but what do I have now a family that honestly doesn’t care for me I don’t know what to do anymore I haven’t eaten for […]
By the time you read this again, we may or may not have been together. Somehow I feel like writing this letter to you. We have been through many things. I know you have cried a lot, lost many things, screamed a lot, and died many times. But I need you to know that you are my reason to hold on. You are my greatest treasure and everyday I pray that you will be safe, alive, and healthy. God knows how I have begged him to not let you feel alone, to give me the strength to make up to you what you have lost. […]
I think that a lot of our hate towards ourselves comes from the comparison game that we play. Facebook and instagram and tumblr. All of the images and the posts and the videos we see of peoples lives on these sites are luxurious and “better than ours”. We compare ourselves so much to these people…..
“oh, she’s so pretty, why can’t I be that pretty”
“oh, she’s so skinny, why can’t I be that thin”
“oh they are skydiving”
“oh they have a huge house” ……… so on and so forth
We are all constantly comparing ourselves to the people that are just like us, […]