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Tag:
maybe
Yesterday I was at the condo unit of my friend with some blockmates. We decided to hang out there. They have 3 doubled deck. I lay down on the top bed near the window. I tried opening the window but they were mad at me. Maybe they know that I might jump out of the window. They know how crazy and mad I am. But I told them I wouldn’t jump. Not yet. And they let me open it but they were guarding me. I opened it and took my feet out. I looked down. I was very tempted to jump. It’s like I can […]
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It’s 5am , don’t want to sleep. My life is a jungle I shouldn’t have traversed and I’m stuck in the quicksand of my own errors. Things will not change for me. I will eventually be swallowed and surrounded by warm shadows. I want nothing, I want to be nothing. There’s almost nothing left of me. I switch from being numb to being in pain until once again I feel nothing, a maelstrom that I will never escape. Maybe it’s time I got off this ride.
There may be no doors for this Dungeon, but there’s still a way out.
About 50 minutes ago, I posted a question asking whether any of you intentionally cut off your friends, just to make yourself feel horrible, or to spare them.
(Its called, “Anyone Else: Loneliness.” in case any of you wanna give it a look at.)
I’ve been sitting here dreading every second, thinking about it.
And I remembered what I used to say to myself about it,
I used to think it was to prevent myself from happiness.
I don’t deserve a happy; This is all my fault.
Everyone’s problems? My fault. I can’t be happy because its not fair.
You know what I hate the most? Hearing people deny it, try to […]
I never got anything I really want. When I do anything, have excellent results, I am the best, the unattainable… But when I do something I really want, no matter how small it is, all I gain is a miserable failure to remember for a long time. And isn’t a normal failure, is the most painful of all: the frustration, when you can 99 when need 100, when you see the finish line and falls in the race.
Know, I like drawing, but I can’t even draw a face… and I’ve been trying to learn 6 years ago. I like music, but I know even […]
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Tall-guy-Free-me.mp3
A song I wrote about depression.
Lyrics:
Free me from this prison,
I’ve been locked away for so long,
every day seems to last forever.
Then comes the night,
the time when all my toughts are set free,
they flow through me aimlessly
wanting to become a part of me!
I can feel the darkness
taking over my mind,
all I can see is blackness,
I feel empty, like there’s nothing to be found.
Within me
there is only despair,
I can not see clearly
it feels like life isn’t fair.
And then I think to myself
what feels better,
or less painfull
than being alive?
A rope around my neck?
A bullet through my head?
freefalling through the sky
meeting death at the end?
And then I think […]
My depression took a break, I think. I didn’t go anywhere or see anyone but I had a moment of happiness when I heard one of my favorite songs . Then I drew a little and actually enjoyed it.
I’m not sure this is SP material but I thought maybe this is hope for some of you.
Either way today was a win. I wish for all of you to have a victory tomorrow 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPD-a1FjUtU -Elliott Smith, Between the Bars
Don’t know how to put the link in vid format like all the cool kids sorry.
So yeah I am here, quite a things have happened, so take a seat and don’t expect this to be something too grim.
So I fought my depression, and finally won, I guess, I feel more neutral or rather “passive happy” now…Maybe with an image things would clear up: I feel like a lone wolf in his cave having food and water.
I am happy with what I have here, always water and something to eat, it is warm, and nobody is here to get on my nerves.
But this is what I have fought for in school, to never go back there.
And I broke my phone, which […]
After one more day in my life, i got a “news”, i went for a walk with some music, with my life going deeper and deeper and i came a across to this.
I dont know if im depressed, all i know is that im empty and hopeless, i hope i dont last that much longer because i find no happiness or goals, in matter fact the news is about why some girl just gave up on me, some1 that ive met in the first day of the year, some1 who could bring some sort of light, she said to her friends that i was empty […]
I’m a mess of conflicting emotions. Maybe everybody is. But it seems like most people manage to maintain a degree of balance.
I want so many different, irreconcilable things. Many of them are flat out logically incoherent (even if I could time travel.) Some are just wildly improbable. And of those that are possible, my preference swings back and forth on an hourly basis. Any steps I take towards one goal will likely be undone the next day in pursuit of another. I don’t just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the whole frickin’ cake shop, and all possible cakes yet to […]
Yes. Today will go down as one of the shittiest days I’ve ever had to go through. Never has my depression been so crippling. I feel physically ill. Like I want to throw up. I have one hell of a headache. I can barely get out of bed. My muscles are weak. I am shaking.
Maybe it’s partly because I haven’t been sleeping lately. But, I’m terrified of sleeping. I’m tired of the nightmares.
I am so passively suicidal today, it’s a good thing I have no strength to do anything… But type, I guess. Letting it out this way helps.
I just cut. After a month or […]
I am sure we all know the stages of grief….
I am having trouble though. I have gone through them all except one.
I just can’t get angry… It won’t come….
I have every right to be furious with K, but that anger just won’t come.
Maybe because I know that once i get angry its done and I am not really ready to let go yet.
I don’t know….I love her still, and no woman will ever replace her
Today I lost a friend.
Not even a few hours ago.
I saw him the other day, smiling.
Today, he shot himself.
Today people cried.
But I didn’t.
My thoughts were, maybe now he can smile, maybe now he isn’t in any more pain.
All I know for a fact is… that today, I lost a friend.
Hi, call me Kninea, and no that’s not my real name. We were told to not use them so this is my username now. Some of you have found this website the same way I did. Through a book, things like smooth passages. I have dealt with my own version of depression. Hasn’t everyone at least once in their life? I, myself, have fleeting moments of depression, but those moments are almost unbearable. I have decided to tell you my opinion on depression. I, honestly, have contemplated suicide, but I wouldn’t want my family to go through the pain I go through. That’s the only […]
I found this website an hour ago. I read posts. I am sobbing.
I’m not alone. I’m not alone, I’m not alone, I’m not the only one. And I am so angry because of it.
Why do other people have to suffer? Why do these things happen? I knew I wasn’t the only person- most of my friends are, but the fact that this many people-
this many people have gone as far as I have-
people younger and-
it just kills me, and I mean it literally.
It’s unfair and I am so sorry to anyone who is reading this. Because what you are going through seems impossible.
It is sometimes […]
I had a friend, lemme back up…… my husband knew this guy, they used to be the best of friends. They had known each other since they were 12. The guy got non Hodgkin s lymph node cancer when he was a teenager. My husband was up there at the hospital every day with him. he lived, ‘beat it’, whatever..this is unrelated, just a back drop…..anyways, flashfoward….he moves in with us, maybe 3 years into our marriage, lives with us for about a year. Nice guy. I wouldn’t have chosen to live with the guy, but he was an integral part of my husband’s life, […]
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