I have always speculated the meaning of my existence, but to no avail. I do not believe that anything has a purpose. There is actions and reactions but the universe has no motifs. Thus I find myself believing there is no reason to live. I don’t think many people talk openly about things like this but I wonder if and I the only one that does. Some people kill themselves from depression or other emotions, but for me its just a rational philosophical view that I do not need to exist. I need some enlightening, 17 is too young to be thinking like this.
Tag:
Mind
I am obsessed with death and suicide. In my mind, it looks like a beautiful way to go.
I picture myself in the final hours, preparing my own wake and the steps I take to my final sleep.
The only problem is, I feel that there are two minds inside my brain, both want to die, but one is still sad and urges me to seek help first. The other is evil and wants me to scare and push people away by becoming this dark and morbid girl, it wants me to die.
My belief is that they were whole once, feeling the same emotions of hurt and […]
Entry one:
Hello there…
This is the first time I am posting (or posting at all about anything before) about something like this but I think it is important to see if someone actually cares. Don’t try to remember my name or even ask for it, I don’t want you to do that and I hope that you could come to understand me than turn me away like the rest of them. I’ll try to write every briefly, so here it goes:
Suicide comes and goes from my mind everyday and I’ve really tried my best to figure out what’s wrong with me so I could fix it […]
I’ve never actually done anything like this before so sorry if this is the wrong place for this.
Things have been gradually getting worse for me and for a while now I’ve been feeling like there isn’t a way out other than to take my life. This past year has been pretty hard; I’m studying a really difficult degree at a competitive university, as well as living in a house of 6 boys who have chosen to target me… They’ve spent the past year playing loud music at ridiculous hours, playing drums in the morning, deliberately slamming all the doors in the house because they […]
what the fuck? chemicals affect behavior? no fucking way, the data is wrong, the scientists are stupid. look, here is the truth: what do BABIES do? fucking nothing. then when they hurt, they start crying screaming hellfire torture. they don’t DO anything, except scream when they hurt. babies KNOW the TRUTH. everything you do is LEARNED, it is sensed through PERCEPTION. a blind baby cannot see, so they CANNOT perceive things through eyes, so functionally sight is a LIE to them. they are TOLD that others can see, they have NO WAY of knowing except for your words to them. everything is LEARNED, everything is […]
Hello. My name is Shawn, and I’m going to inform you all about my life from within my head. I think my life was fairly normal except for my mental state and the fact that I lived in complete filth for most of my life. My house was ankle high with trash and nobody cleaned it. Laundry was rarely done so I was a generally gross kid. I remember however I was fairly smart. At school I knew everybody and was the school clown. It was fun having people laugh at me when I would do something stupid even if they didn’t really respect me.
On […]
Ellen is spontaneous, outgoing, kind of overbearing at times- but that is what make her so fun to be around- she’s always thinking of things to do and places to go. I, on the other hand, am awkward, shy and rather painful to be around due to a inconvenient addiction to poking people. I have sort of formulated it in to a language.
Through out my life, social ineptitude has been quite detrimental and has never failed to ruin important social encounters, it’s surprising I ever managed to acquire a boyfriend; my friend Ellen managed to conjure several relationships and buckets of friends. She has this […]
The reason we self-harm, is because we are not able to handle changes
by Engeltje
written by Engeltje
~ The reason we self-harm, is because we are not able to handle changes ~
This is a quote I wrote a few days ago. I was really thinking about a lot of things, when I came to the point I started to realize this. I’ll explain the quote. People self-harm for certain reasons, for example because they are depressed, sad, lonely or mad (but there are many more reasons). But where does this come from? It comes from changes we’re not able to deal with. Like you’re living your life, and you’re happy with that. But at a certain moment your house burns down, that […]
I’m sorry, mom
I’m sorry, dad
I’m sorry, friends
I’m sorry, Family
I’m sorry, body
I’m sorry, mind
I’m sorry, teachers
I’m sorry, voice
I have failed all of you at one point… or every day.
Mom: I’m sorry I am not like my brother, I’m not made of gold and jewels. I am not skinny, smart, good looking, or good at anything. I am sorry I am failing school, I am sorry you are embarrassed to call me your daughter. I am sorry that you are ashamed to be in public with me because I am not thin like all the other girls. I am sorry I don’t do make-up and my hair, […]
Today at photography class something weird happened, the teacher made us close our eyes and relax.. the she asked us to imagine the things she said: “imagine your walking ,peace and calm, through valley.. you”re walking to a tree, the only one there… your sitting gown the tree until you see a shadow, a white one. You stand up and noticed that the shadow wants you to follow it… you get close to the shadow and you take it hand and..” then she continue but i couldn’t. As everybody saw a white and friendly shadow.. I saw a shadow that terrified me to a point […]
hello everyone
so i am only 14 years old, in the 9th grade
my anxiety, depression and depersonalization disorder is getting out of hand; mother took me out of public school so i can get home schooled.
the problem is, is that we haven’t gotten anything down. we can’t find any of the right websites to help, and we’re both a little lost. my mother and father found it like we HAD to get me out of public school because how it reacts on my anxiety, depression and D.D. which i do not regret, public school was hell but my mental health has not changed one bit.
i feel […]
I’d rather not get into the “drama” about why I was wanting to die but i will say what put it to a stop, at least for the time being. I didn’t want to end my life by my own hands, first of all. I just wanted death, not suicide, but death by any means I could think of. But the more and more I tried to think of ways i could die without it truly having it been seen as suicide, my mind just started wandering to other things. No super important “life changing discoveries”, no mind shattering “realizations”, none of those last minute […]
I suppose this is one of my main reasons as to why I want to kill myself. About seven years ago I came to the realization that everything that I perceive as real could just be a creation of my mind, with no way of proving or disproving it. Because of this, I haven’t had any will to live in nearly a decade. I am convinced that this will sooner or later be the death of me, after all, it eliminates any guilt about committing suicide, as well as any fear of death or dying. This way of thinking has affected me so drastically that […]
I am 19 years old, have been suicidal for about 11 years, and seeing therapists for 7 or 8. I have also tried several different antidepressants with no results. It seems that it has gotten to the point where I just don’t do anything anymore, and frankly, I’ve become a complete waste of space. My parents and entire family have given up on me for the first time in my life, and I suffer from thoughts relating to solipsism non-stop. I am at the point where committing suicide is all that I care about, to the point where I would get rid of anything in […]
It’s all over now. I think i’m happy!
I’ve done my first youtube video. Feel free to watch it if you have nothing else to do.
Sincerely,
Nobody915
This is my tribute to bullying. There are SO MANY kids out there getting bullied. And what are we doing to stop it? Nothing. Stand up for once. Be yourself. Stop being fakes. And start caring. WE can only change this world. It’s not going to magically happen. So live in the moment. Don’t bully. Be you. And stand out. You were born to be YOU. Not someone else. You weren’t born to be bullied or to be a bully, just you. So what if you were born ‘weird’, an ‘outcast’, or ‘nerdy’. It’s you. You can’t change who you were supposed to be. […]
“If we refuse assent to reality: if we rebel against the nature of things and choose to think that what we at the moment want is the centre of the universe to which everything else ought to accommodate itself, the first effect on us will be that the whole universe will seem to be filled with an inexplicable hostility. We shall begin to feel that everything has a down on us, and that, being so badly treated, we have a just grievance against things in general. That is the knowledge of good and evil and the fall into illusion. If we cherish and fondle that […]
I tried to kill myself about a month and a half ago. As a result, I was forced on a medical leave from my school, had to go back home where my parents make my condition a lot worse, and forced to speak to what feels like an endless amount of therapists and psychiatrists that neither know what they’re doing or care about me. I was promised a second chance after it happened, that I would get help, in my mind I thought maybe if I finally talked to my friends and family about it, things would get better. Instead, I’ve spiraled, I feel more […]
I have like to have to die this world is to hash for to handle. When I think of way to die or kill myself, I laugh as if all my pain is freed from my soul. I ask anyone out there is this good?
I was thinking about the other night,  “Why did anything changeâ€, and I realised how it changed, I grew up and went into high school I thought it would be something I would love to be at but, to be honest, I didn’t think it’d be this hard. This hard to get up every morning and knowing something bad will happen, and most of the time I’m right. It sucks having to walk down those crowded hallways realising you’re different from everyone else because of your past, because of what you’ve done to yourself and what people think about you. Most of the things people […]