Entry One

Entry one:

Hello there…

This is the first time I am posting (or posting at all about anything before) about something like this but I think it is important to see if someone actually cares. Don’t try to remember my name or even ask for it, I don’t want you to do that and I hope that you could come to understand me than turn me away like the rest of them. I’ll try to write every briefly, so here it goes:

Suicide comes and goes from my mind everyday and I’ve really tried my best to figure out what’s wrong with me so I could fix it and I’ve pretty much tried everything to keep it away from my mind. So, I try to say that my sadness is just temporary but I’ve been saying this everyday since the 6th grade. I’m a Senior in High School now and the only thing I’ve managed to do was just say that it will all blow over but instead I let my emotions only bottle up inside of me and has seemed to make it even worse. It has only made me feel empty and even more worthless as a person, I guess that’s the reason why I look so bitter all the time.

I hardly have any friends, I’m possibly Autistic and I have a lot of anxiety so it’s hard for me to talk to people and even trying to start a basically conversation and everyone at school (I’m 17 years old) seems to think that something is wrong with me so they try to pretty much avoid me and everyday feels like a shadow of what they once used to be. The way I interpret days now are only filled with void and misery, wishing that I could be my old self again. People at school think of me as hostile, crazy, anti-social and that I don’t feel at all. How mean they are to think that when they don’t understand why I appear that way, they don’t know my sorrow or the pain I go through just getting up every morning and hating how the light seeped in through my room, wishing I could stay asleep. Since I don’t have many friends to talk to, I write everyday (nearly 2000 words) so that I could try to pretend that someone like my best friend would understand how I feel, but he’s dead now…

Recently, I had a friend who committed suicide and it’s only made my days feel worse because he was the only person who could try to understand me and its still tearing me apart (it’s been four months since his suicide). He was a good friend that I loved with all of my heart and because he took his life I’m feeling the same way and the bad thoughts are even more powerful than the ones I had prior to when he died. I’m not only lonely now, but I am miserable and feeling worthless because I wished I could have been a better friend to him.

I’ll be honest, I used to think that I didn’t have a bad childhood but compared to other people, I’ve noticed that I’ve been through a lot (or at least what my Therapist tells me and I won’t go much into detail) and I guess it’s what triggered me into this state. I really want to resolve it either through death or through self-discovery and recover to find the person I once was if there ever was a person there at all. Overall, I am pretty convinced now that death will free me from feeling this way now. I have not taken medication and have hidden my feelings and emotions from other people and how I feel from whatever is left of my family and friends. I was always very good at hiding my emotions because I am a quiet person, mainly because I don’t want anyone to think of me as depressed and weak. So, since I’ve been pretty convinced about dying, I’ve done my best to try to write letters to people.

I don’t want you to hate me and ignore me like the rest of them, I just want you to try to understand and respect the person I am, I’m usually not this selfish but it’s all I ask if for you to listen for my last few days (if they are my last few days I spend alive). I am thinking about doing it sometime next week before I graduate from High School because I could feel all of my bad thoughts coming back to me again and I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I don’t want it to hurt.

With this, I’ll leave you with something I wrote today:

Through the mirror of despair I see both reality and obscurity

In my demise I could only see, but I can’t fix and cannot truly understand

All feelings become numb as I can only helplessly gaze at what I am now

And so ask myself: When will I be able to feel?

Until next time, peace out.