Everybody has their own life, their own background, their own story. A little piece to my big puzzle of life was reshaped last year, January 7, 2015, at 2:47 when I was in the shower, listening to “What hurts the most” by Rascal Flatts, my song stopped. Though my phone had just died, but it did not. I was getting texts, and phone calls. Right when I step out of the shower I look down, and I had multiple missed calls from Jaydan. I call back, not thinking it would be any bad news, just thinking she wanted to hang out, and the words came out of her mouth, “Ceylon, Your brothers dead. You need to get here.” I know it may sound bad, but I did not believe her, even though inside, I knew she would not just lie about something like that. So, with me being me, I put a shirt on, and a pair of spandex and got into my car, only having to drive a couple blocks to grandmas house, I went almost 80 in a 25. I pulled up and there was no cops, no anything there. Besides Jaydan standing there crying, I walk inside and reality hit me. All I could remember at the moment I saw what I did, was the day I was told my big sister had went to heaven, when he passed, I was 16. And my little brother had died. Not just died in the way of an illness or from an unknown cause, but from suicide. He was pushed past the limit. He thought the only way to make himself happy, was to take his own life. Crazy how fast your whole world can turn upside down. After that I walked outside, it was a cold, snow all over the ground type of day, and I walked towards the grass and just went into tears. I was supposed to be getting ready for work, doing homework, being happy, but then my best friend, my rock, my little brother, and went to heaven. And only what i’d give to have him back is so indescribable. I still remember our every night phone calls, texts, snapchats, ect. I miss everything. I miss him. July 30, 2007 My big sister commited suicide. I was outside riding my bike with the neighbor kids, and I saw my aunt pull up and go inside crying. I thought she was just having a bad day. I was 8. I mean what 8 year old would even guess they were about to here some of the worst news every. Not me. I go inside and my mom and my aunt are sitting at the table. In my kitchen. They say “Ceylon, We need to talk. And you need to understand”. Well from then on, I was told my sister had killed herself, and they had just found her. Waiting on cops and all. Out of the suicide between my brother and sister, nothing was different. They both did it the same way. Let almost the same notes. Last texts, calls, cloths everything. I will not forget what my brothers face looked like, laying there in the closet. Everytime I look at a closet so much gets brought to mind. And I will never forget my sisters last words. Not many people can just open up and tell a broken piece to their story, It has taken me almost a year to even try to type this, and it has not been easy. If you ever feel lost, broken, bullied, like you can’t do it, contact somebody. People do care, and people are out there to help you. Just remember, you are beautiful. And you are worth every second of everyday. Don’t let others effect what you do or say in life. You can be anything you want to be. People will talk, and people will hate, but remember you are you. And thats who you were born to be.
Hi.. I am MrSilent. There is not much to know of me so I won’t bother with the details. I will give a very broad background of why I have chosen this name..
For years and counting, I have been silent. Silent of my emotion, silent of my thoughts and silent of my life and it’s duration. Recently, I’ve stumbled upon this community. I thought it would be quite interesting to be able to speak through text.. I have much to say but I will save most for later if I am still living. There is not a doubt that I am slowly collapsing, so, one day I will no longer be here to post for anyone who would actually read, or, see this, or, even follow each post. Some just don’t understand that being silent is the hardest for many..
Now that that’s all out of the way.., For many years, I have tried reaching out for assistance but ended up being the assistance for others. Apparently, people needed someone with ears and no mouth to speak to. I was the perfect guy for the job, of course. Hearing their stories.. I envied them. Many would claim that my mind is clouded with ignorance. I wouldn’t blame them, but at the same time, they would also be ignorant for not knowing my experiences as we all have different reactions towards the same and different scenarios and such. Therefore, it’s just a vicious cycle of people picking at each other trying to point out who’s the “real” insensitive one. But I digress.. From my perspective, these people have ideal lives from what they’ve told me and I would kill to have what they did.. So, that’s what I want to do. I want to kill for a new life.. I want to trade my life for a new one.
What’s stopping me? The fact that I must start life all over again. The fact that everything I’ve learned will be gone. My morals and perspective may even be different. This is all still giving the benefit of the doubt that there even is a chance at starting a new life after your current one has passed..
Friends, Family, Girlfriend.. All of them I love dearly.. But, I’ve never experienced being selfish. It’s always been my goal to be selfless. I need to be selfish just this once. I am going to leave them for silence in my mind and ear, rather than my mouth. I need silence. All my life, there’s been nothing but noise. I stay up every night trying to fight the loud thoughts and flashbacks. And now.. at the age of 17, I am exhausted..
Everyday is beginning to seem harder than the day before. Every night is beginning to seem longer. And all the things that have crippled me have become stronger..
If you’re still reading.., thank you. There’s a good chance people would read and say, “why are you complaining? At least you have _____,” but honestly? We all have different reactions to situations, and I would like to say that my current situations are quite unbearable for me.. All of which I will leave for people to piece together. It’ll make things interesting, plus, I really don’t feel like getting into all of it in one post. I may post a little about all of it in each post. “Little breadcrumbs,” I suppose you could call them..
If there really is anyone out there who took the time to read this, please feel free to contact me.. It would be nice to have a friend with similar intentions.. Someone to talk to, rather than just typing stuff and posting it regardless if anyone cares or not.. I am even willing to help comfort those in need. We’re all in this together. It may sound like the cheesiest thing to say, but, if you are reading this from start to finish, our minds may be in some ways alike. That’s why I say that “you’re not alone.” But, I need someone who’s going through the same thing to be able to tell me that.. It would mean the world to me.. Please. Living with a scarred mind just becomes more and more difficult. I’m sure there’s someone out there who’d understand..
I know that isn’t really a word. My daughter struggles with depression, scratching (not really deep cuts) and suicidal thoughts. I do, too. I have told her that before that I know where she is coming from. I even told her that I had thoughts of wanting to die. In typical 13 year old fashion, she must have never really heard me. We don’t like her psychiatrist, so yesterday I told her that I was going to start therapy and seeing a psychiatrist again because my thoughts of wanting to die were increasing. She started crying and was depressed the whole day stating she never knew I felt like that. I said I had told her before and that I would never leave her. I just have thoughts like she says she does. I asked her if she thought I wasn’t upset when she told me how she felt. If she thought she can just go around telling people that and they just are like “ok” and go on as before. i think she never really thought about it. But anyways, I called and am getting an appointment with a new psych and therapist. Also, I am going for some more testing for my health issues next week. My rheumatologist’s staff is not the best, but I live in a small city and don’t have many options. I have been waiting for a referral for almost 2 months. Finally the doc office that is supposed to be getting the referral called themselves and got it. So, happy. Maybe thinks will be looking up soon.
Family & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Why movies are better than reality / real life / real world ?
Why movie is better than reality / real life / real world ?
Why reality is boring ?
What puzzles me the most is human’s mind / human’s brains and imagination better than reality ( human’s fantasy is better than reality )
just look at the movies, novels, comics, games, books, , animations (anime / manga), science fiction (sci-fi), fantasy , like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, X-Men, Marvels & DC universe / movies , The Avengers , Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Swords Art Online, Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, Interstellar, etc etc, they are much more interesting, full of POSSIBILITIES & varieties / variations, and better than reality / BORING reality / real life / real world !
Our everyday’s Reality / real-life / real-world is boring, mundane, dull, LIMITED / full of LIMITATIONS, often we fantasize / fantasy I wish I live in the movies, video games, novels, comics, books, anime / manga, etc etc , than this Reality / real life / real world !
Why imagination better than reality?
Why imagination / dreams is better than reality?
Why fantasy / dream is better than reality ?
Why our human’s BRAIN / human’s MIND and human’s IMAGINATION is better than boring REALITY ?
(PS: I need serious and detailed answers. thank you).
(PSS: also, how many of you here also have heard about: Virtual Reality (VR) technology , Lucid Dreaming , Astral Projection ? I hope they are real, so I can leave this boring reality / real-life / real-world & enter worlds/universes of Imaginations .. ! )
Another night. I’m by myself in my room and my mind is racing, a million different thoughts going through my head. My boyfriend won’t answer don’t have many friends it’s just me myself and not I but my thoughts. They haunt me at 1 in the morning they are the reason I can’t sleep. I’m scared of being cheated on being left. Sometimes I’m just so scared. But then when I’m by myself I just feel empty. Like there is no one there in the end. My thoughts are my enemy. I hate being alone. I just want someone who is there when I need them and I can do the same, I thought I found it. But who knows. I don’t know that’s for sure. -inside my mind it’s a mess. I know I need help but I don’t know what to do.
i’ve thought about suicide since high school. Having dark thoughts, being depressed easily. I’ve experienced being broke and worked my way up again. But still, suicidal thoughts linger on my mind. Maybe im just weak. I’ve attempted twice but failed. I just need to be strong. I know i can do this. No one can help me. Its the only way out.
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Talk to someone about something relevant, and most people will respond like they are not interested.
People that prioritize their fantasies at the expense of the reality of things are, sadly, the byproduct of a lack of education, cultural indoctrination, or more drastically, some genetic outcomes, being a victim of violence, extreme poverty, sickness, addictions, to name a few…
Now try to fix or to solve a universal, a global, a regional or a local problem, because that idea you got is closer to an optimal state, clearly realistic, and/or overall less or not problematic at all. You will be stopped, discouraged, even stigmatized by many atm if you don’t “conform” to “their reality” as a group or, more often seen, as an individual.
If that even means something.
Let me add that reality is independent from experience, in this Universe.
If you’re not aware yet.
Yet we use experiences in order to seek a universal truth, shared by all, everywhere known.
No wonder that a lot of folks think about suicide, or act violently in response to their suicidal thoughts or particular background.
Because 1) people are, have been or will be overwhelmingly dishonest with them, for all the above reasons, and
2) they lose a big part of their hope, as a result.
A situation that can act like a virus within us.
And spread rather quickly.
The remaining subjects are the ones that are “completely” disatisfied with themselves or the situation(s) they faced/are facing currently, for which I can’t do much other than try to wake them up, to help somehow, if it’s even possible (depending on the case/stage/level of technology) or my responsibility to do so.
And no, I’m not religious, not affiliated with any culture nor slave of “society” as we may call it, and for a good reason.
I’m just trying to be honest,
living well in — hopefully — what will become an all-around responsible and sustainable world.
* * *
That’s a goal, obviously, not truly shared by many in this day and age.
Or not thought thoroughly.
Like it should be.
Since it affects deeply our kind, and life around.
Proof: look at the content posted on this website.
“Hopefully, one day, suicide will be a thing of the past.”
*Feel free to comment, to add on the subject, to share your story, etc.*
And please, decent English so people can read — not decipher — what you’re saying! 😉
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Before you convince yourself that now is the time to leave this world and enter a whole new dimension of an unknown abyss, ask yourself these questions. (and feel free to answer them yourself in the comments):
What makes it so hard for you to stay?
What do you view suicide as?
How would you commit suicide?
On average, 6 people are intimately affected by the suicide of a friend, family member, etc.
Who do you think would miss you the most? (Can be more or less than 6 people.)
Why would those people miss you so much?
What is your favorite thing about your everyday life?
What are some goals you have for yourself? (Doesn’t even have to be big goals)
What are 4 positive things that you would miss?
I did something similar to this before, and as a result I noticed a lot of people thinking more about their situation, myself included. I think it’s a good idea to ask yourself some personal question where you realize the value of your life. I don’t know many, or really any of you personally, but what I have seen from past and present post on this site, is that you are all lovely people, that seem to have very realistic goals in life, and I would hate for those goals to be demolished by suicide. Even if you don’t feel as if you have people in your life that would be affected if you left, and even if you really don’t, you have yourself, the person you were given to take care of and watch over. I know this is such a strange perspective to look at your own life as, but you received your own body, your own thoughts to nurture and grow with. And I understand that some days you just fall so deep into such a dark place it never seems like you’ll recover, but days always get better, I’ve been through some shitty days, days I didn’t want to recover from, days where I spent the entire time laying on the floor, incapable of even crying, but it got better, it always gets better, because when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up. I hope this post helped someone, even if it helped you a little tiny bit, that would brighten my day, and make this one of those better days. 🙂 Feel free to comment, I respond as much as possible! And I love reading what you guys have to say, positive or negative. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I really do appreciate it.
From one person struggling with suicide thoughts to another.
Hopefully this isn’t going to get redundant or repetitive as I type this. Basically, all I want to do is get everything out right now, it seems I can trust everyone on here.
First, I want to start by saying that I’m currently seeing a psychologist but there’s things I can’t even tell her. I found out I’ve been suffering from depression for about 5 years now, but starting last year my mind started deteriorating faster than I expected. One day I’m dreaming about the family I want to have and the next I’m dreaming of all the possible ways to die painlessly.
This scares me immensely. I love my family and don’t want to put them through that kind of pain. Whenever I have suicidal thoughts, I try to think about how my mom would feel when she finds out about my death. And then I snap out of it and continue with my robotic schedule. Everything feels so dull and I just go through my life sighing.
Jump back to now and it’s like I can’t stop myself from looking up methods to end it all. I’m desperately trying to climb up out of the abyss, but the more I try, the further I fall back down. Considering I’m a loner I don’t really have anyone to turn to so I’m doing this now.
Whenever I try to look for help, it feels like I’m just seeking attention, “oh look at me, my life sucks, feel bad for me” So to avoid that I just bottle it up and it never comes out. Once it does though, I can’t stop it. I feel like I’m rapidly going towards the end where I shove a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.
I don’t want to be committed, being treated like a maniac is the biggest fear I have. Lately, it’s been so hard to laugh at things that used to make me laugh, or enjoy things that I usually enjoy. Hell now I can’t even take a joke without getting bent out of shape. One of my friends told me, before he completely left me was that I’ve become distant, not talking to anyone. So now, because of that, I’m beating myself up over it and blaming myself for my friend leaving.
It’s like I’m my own worst enemy. My heart and mind constantly fighting each other over this and that and I’m being pulled in the middle. It seems like every time I make a decision, it ends up blowing up in my face and I regret it later.
I had a dream last night that I finally did it, I finally ended my life. I woke up around 3 in the morning and couldn’t fall asleep the rest of the day. I want to seek help but I’m afraid they’re going to isolate me. I don’t want them to treat me like I’m a threat to myself. The last thing I need is my mother worrying about me 24/7. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, I can fight back my demons; but other times I feel like it’s pointless, that I should just give in and let the darkness consume me.
I’m so tired from fighting. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. “He died peacefully in his sleep” is what I would rather my mom hear instead of “We found his body in his room with a shotgun in his hands” and you can fill in the rest.
It’s funny. If I was asked “how are you feeling” two years ago, I would have said something like “Oh I’m great, just a bit tired and hungry because I haven’t eaten since lunch” Now it’s just “I’m fine” even though I’m not. I force a smile and hide everything, thinking it will all go away, but it’s proven to be more annoying than I thought.
I think I’ve droned on long enough for now. If you read everything then thank you. I guess I’ll keep updating everyone if anything changes “if you care haha”
So I’ll start of by saying that I’m an 18 year old college student. The reason I’m posting on here is that I’m hoping to obtain some secondary opinions to help me better understand whatever it is that I’m going through.
So ever since I can remember I’ve always had a very rational, apathetic mindset. In saying this I don’t mean that I’m cold, emotionless, blah, etc.. I mean that for lack of better words I’ve always felt pretty dead on the inside. I can easily explain this away as depression and I’m sure I can come up with a few life events to justify depression but even so this dead empty feeling dates farther back that any of these “events”.
I can remember being 12 years old, having absolutely no reason whatsoever to be depressed in anyway, and just having constant thoughts of death and life in my head and wondering if there’s any logical point to life it if it’s guaranteed to end in death no matter what. These thoughts only got more and more pervasive and construed as I got older.
I’ve also never been very reactionary. When my parents divorced I couldn’t care less. Even when people that I’ve loved passed away, I still felt nothing. I can say I missed them but I can’t really say I felt any actually sorrow or pain over their passing. I simply thought “oh well, that’s the way life works, there’s no point in wasting time being upset that was so assured to happen eventually”. This is more or less a decent representation of my overall thought processes on most matters including my own life.
Really, I can’t ever remember feeling complete or at peace ever.
I can say that while I am currently not “actively” suicidal, I have daily thoughts of it and lately I’ve felt that these thoughts will soon turn into action. I don’t really know why but I’ve always felt, even when I was 12 and hardly understood the thoughts I had, that suicide is inevitable for me really only being a matter of time. I had these same thoughts in middle school only at a lesser intensity. The idea of drowning seems appealing to me.
As my title post says, it really does feel like I was born without a will to live, I’ve never in my life felt any strong desire to live, I’ve never felt passionate over anything, I’ve never felt truly motivated over anything, and I’ve always been indifferent to world events and just about everything going around me.
While I’m pretty sure that I’m currently depressed, I doubt I was born depressed so I don’t think any of this can be explained away with depression. These past few days I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to figure out why I’ve always been this way. So any thoughts or opinions?
Well I have just a couple days left before I leave this place for good. I have arranged to see my two youngest daughters on this day so I can hold them in my arms one last time and tell them how much I love them. Nobody sees this coming and I am sure it will shock them all, but it will look like an accident as I have done my work. I have my notes wrote to my daughters and a will that is notarized leaving both my daughters everything. Life should not be this hard as I have contemplated this for years as I was tired of all the beatings and abuse I have endured not to mention no woman has told me she loved me for years. Death is a welcome thing in my life! 4 days and this will be over, I will return and say my goodbyes a couple hours before. Thank you for not judging me or condemning me for my choice to finally have peace in my life. My daughters will be confused at first but after they are older and read the notes that they will get when they are a little older I am sure they will understand, as they are 9 and 10. My daughters are and always will be my little angels May God bless them.
To those women out their that keep their kids from their fathers for financial reasons and make false accusations when all else fails may you burn in hell….
I have made my mind up and have a date picked out, contacted social security to get things in line for my daughters and will write my note to my family tomorrow. All I wanted was to be a father to my kids and my ex wives stole that from me, without my kids I have nothing. I have been physically abused my whole life so I am use to this, death will finally bring me peace. Less than 10 days to get everything in order with the bank and aquire my stuff for my way out. Still trying to decide on the place so as to cause as little trauma as possible. I hope I can explaine my thoughts well enough to my family and children. I love my girls and I hope someday they will understand the reason this has to happen. Pray for my children may they find comfort and peace and always have the love they deserve as two little angles that blessed my life.
I feel like I need to share my whole story with someone and this forum seems very welcoming. So, hello everyone! Name is Sam, I am a 23 year old from south west UK working as a PA.
I am 8 weeks into treatment for Depression however I am not sure how effective the medicine is as I still feel like I want and need to die.
I first suffered from depression aged 13, I had no friends at school, my dad had severe ME and was signed off work. My mum was under massive pressure to care for my dad and work full time to provide for us. We never had much money and I regularly went hungry as a child, my parents never smoked or drank we were just poor. I began to cut myself and never felt hungry so usually forced half of my evening meal down myself just to satisfy my family. No body ever knew I was suffering from depression but I knew I was, I spoke to no one about it. Probably because I planned on ending my life. I had a weekend job in a cafe and forced myself to continue it and slipped the money I earnt into my mothers purse. This went on for about a year and one day I literally woke up and felt better… I had lost a lot of weight and had scars on my arms but gradually life got better.
I had several bad sexual experiences in my teens, lost my virginty aged 19 in a nightclub toilet to some guy who I have no idea who he was. Then two months later was raped by a friend of mine. I was forced to report this to the police by a friend, I did so anonymously and put the event behind me. Life went on and I decided that I was gay and found myself what I thought was a lovely girl. We had a nice two years generally but I saw my friends less and less and spent more and more time doing what she wanted with her family. Before I knew it I had given up everything in life to stay home with her family while her father was dying of oesophageal cancer. He passed away 8 months later, I watched him die over time and I guess it traumatised me… A month after he died (3 and a half years into the relationship) my (now) ex thanked me by cheating on me and never speaking to me again. Life goes on,I picked myself and dusted myself off. Spent several months partying and having a genuine good time. I go into work one day and the police have left a message on my answer machine. I call them back and they are wanting to interview me about the historic rape. I am fuming because they lied to me when they said it was anonymous. I am interviewed on three separate occasions and eventually I ask them not to contact me again because I don’t want to be a part of the new allegations involving attempted murder.
Meanwhile I have a phone call from a prison asking if my ex (male) could contact me, I agree because I could never get him out of my head. we write weekly and end up declaring our love for each other. He won’t be out for another four years and then will be in a hostel for a while etc etc. I am not convinced we will work as he too cheated on me. like everyone else I have ever been with has.
So right now, I feel suicidal. I almost killed myself two weeks ago but my friend text me just in time. I think I fancy her to be honest…but she is married with children. So now I feel extra shit because she said I can text her when I need to but I feel I can’t because she has a busy life plus I pretty much fancy her…
My head is so fucked up. I don’t know who or what I like. I can see no future for myself, I live with my parents and will do forever because house prices are so high around here. I avoid all social situations and the only way out is to die but I am too cowardly to go through with it.
I am That Traumatised From The Last Past 24 Hours That I think That I Might Have Forgotten a Few of my Friends and Mates in My Facebook Friend List I Look at the Name and the Name Looks Familier But No Matter How Hard I Try I Just Can’t Remember Them at all I Just Wish and Hope my Friends and Mates Understand The Trauma That I’ve Been Through in the Last Past 24 Hours since Yesterday Afternoon Cause It hurts when 1 Friend Betrays You But it When You Find 2 of Your Friends has Betrayed You It Will hit you Hardest in The Heart and Mind and That Where my Shock Betrayel Trauma Has Come From it has Come from my 2 Friends Betraying me That Bad That I haven’t Slept or Eaten Since Finding out Yesterday Afternoon
Hi my name is Ariel and I’m thirteen. This is honestly my last resort. I know that when people see “suicidal teens” they assume that they are “faking it” but I assure you that I wouldn’t be doing this unless absolutely necessecary. I am so scared. I tried to sleep a little bit ago but I couldn’t with my racing mind and I have been so scared that I think I might throw up. Basically, I am a very big over-thinker. Very, very big over-thinker. Lately I’ve been thinking so much that I actually don’t feel like myself and I cannot express in words how absolutely terrifying that is. It is so confusing to explain and it makes me feel so scared that I just want to end it all. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. And even those thoughts scare me. Even the thought of suicidal thoughts scares me, however confusing that may seem. I don’t know what to do. This sucks… a lot. However, reading the post that lead me to registering this account gave me a little bit of hope and let me know that having these thoughts is okay. That let me breathe a little. I am seeing a therapist because I have other issues including deprssion and a previous eating disorder. And I know, you are probably thinking that I am full of crap; a teenager with a previous eating disorder and depression, but I don’t care. I’ve tried to tell my mom about these feelings but it’s hard to explain. Sometimes the only thing that makes me feel normal is going on the internet or watching tv and she just assumes I am being a lazy teenager. I don’t want to tell her about… my… suicidal feelings (God that scares me even saying it) because if I did then that would make everything real. I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to tell my therapist I think. My mom would cry if I told her about these things, and that is the last thing I want. I need help
I’m not old. I’m not sick. I’m not sad. But I’m dying, all the same. I should be happy, my life is good. Better than a lot of people. Better than it has been in the past. Nothing is wrong, really. Nothing’s really right either, but hey. I’m just not happy. I’m getting so tired of hearing myself cry. And that’s all it is. I hear it, but don’t really experience it. Its like I’m watching all these good things happen to someone else. I think I’m just uncomfortable being happy. Is that possible?
I saw something online the other day that posed the following question:
If you had the chance to kill yourself, no pain or blood, and no one left behind to mourn, would you do it?
Up until that moment, I’d been doing alright. Almost four months off meds (other than for sleep), was doing fantastic in therapy, great in school, making friends, all of it. But that question just….eradicated all my progress. Now all those suicidal thoughts, my once dear friends, are back to haunt me relentlessly. I’m trapped inside of myself, and its not a pretty place to be. I will be the first to admit, I’m a coward. I don’t want dying to hurt, and I don’t want to leave a mess for someone else to deal with. You know, someone told me the other day (in a conversation completely unrelated to my current predicament) that suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it just gives it to somebody else.
And I thought about that. I really did. And I decided that I just don’t care anymore. I don’t think I’ve got enough light left inside me to care. I think about dying all the time. In the shower. In class. In bed. It doesn’t go away, ever. I don’t really want to die because I’m depressed, I think its just a chronic disinterest in whatever possibilities lie ahead.
Yeah. Because its not happening to you.
“In the end it’s not about what you have.
In the end it’s all about where you want to go
And the roads you take to help you get there.
Cause you’ve only got one life to lead.
So don’t take for granted those little things.
Those little things are all that we have.”
i know we’re all going thru our own shit, and if you’re like me these thoughts could pop up and disappear on your mind constantly. just an hour ago i was ready to go, but my friend asked me to eat out, and we talked, and it did feel good. sometimes i feel the world is against me, but sometimes i feel i can conquer the world. i hope the lyrics above would make sense to any of you. i know it maybe cheesy or corny or a little bit cliche, but its a cliche for one reason, because its true..
goodluck to all
I don´t know how I ended up like this.
I feel like I don´t have anyone. Anyone I can hug or touch, just to feel the warmness of the body of someone else. Everybody leaves me. I can´t sleep at nights. I lay in my bed and listen how drops of rain are colliding with my window, thinking about all the people that left me behind continuing in their way and I stayed, like glued to the ground with no chance to move on. Someone would say I finally get used to people leaving me. But everytime it´s getting worse and worse. And I, like an idiot, am waiting for them to come back and leave me again. I don´t have friends that would hold me in my worst. That would stay with me. Their mouth are full of their own problems with one week boyfriend or other shit. And I´m sick.
My dad drinks a lot. Every day. He shouts and swears and calls me and my mother names. He´s disgusting for me as my father. And like the cherry on the top, I´ve never been good enough, for anyone. I was always that worse. I´ve been alwys questioned why am I not like her or her, why can´t I do it like her or her. Why am I not her?
And suddenly it was too much for me. The scissors wasn´t for cutting paper since that. It reveals my mental pain, it gets me calmer, it makes me feel better. I thought that my life is just a big horrible nightmare. And one little sting won´t help me wake up. So I tried harder, I tried so hard that my grey world had a little red in there.
Then I started hearing voices, quiet one. They were calling my name or just talking or screaming. They were telling me what to draw. And I drew. Pictures that would be scary for normal people. And they are. My mother started to be concened. She sent me to the psychologist and then I ended up with sessions at psychyatrist. But it´s getting worse. The numbness and emptyness I feel is unbearable. The tension inside of me is too much for me to deal with.
And I´m alone, just with my scars that never leave.
First a few notices.
I know I must be the millionth person to blabber about how I’m too much of a coward to kill myself (though you might say suicide is not courageous) and I apologize for annoying you. You don’t need to read if your busy.
Now an introduction.
I hate my real name so just call me Mortimer (changing it to that someday if I can) I’m 19 years old from that small country Qatar that’s to the left of the UAE, might have heard of it. I don’t look like the people here, I don’t act or think like the people here, my interests and everything else differs from everyone from here. I’m an Apatheist, which means I don’t care whether or not any god exists because quite frankly I dislike the divine.
Now for the reason why I hate life.
First of all you should know that I love my family, unfortunately they won’t like my opinions on faith so I can either live a lie here, or cut my ties and live abroad. This is reason number one.
Next reason on why I can’t wait to have a life threatening disease is humanity today. I used to look forward to the future, especially excited about love. You see I’m a hopeless romantic, so I’m notoriously picky but if I find her I’ll be hers for life and beyond..although that’s what I used to feel. I’ve lost trust in people, social anxiety and all. thinking everyone hates me in secret, thinking that whoever I might think I’d fall for would eventually cheat on me or ask for a divorce or something worse than both. I’m sure I’ll never find the love I want so that’s love gone. People today annoy me, the constant conflict over ridiculous matters. People thinking they can do anything they want if it’s legal, doesn’t anyone care about self worth anymore? I honestly believe that words like dignity won’t exist after another century. moral degeneration is a problem, people today are pathetic. And I don’t mean that as an insult, it’s just how they are.
…I’m starting college in the UK this September for marine biology but Im changing to applied physics, I’m so stressed out that I developed Alopecia, I keep thinking something is bound to go wrong. Maybe I’ll turn out to be too stupid to actually graduate, maybe I’ll do something to embarrassing in front of everyone and look like a fool. and looking at myself I know that chances are those things will happen.
I said how I think most people today are pathetic, truth is I’m the wretched and pitiful one. I mess everything I try to do, I stutter, I’ve had insomnia for the past year, I’m lazy, slow..
I like to daydream along some music. I used to dream a lot of thrilling things happening to me even if they were impossible, lately I’ve only dreamed about killing myself is crouching at a dark damp corner somewhere feeling miserable. I’ll always be a below average human being. And even if I was above average and talented at something, I’m still just some human. I’ll live until probably 87 if I don’t kill myself first (if I gather up the courage) and die. and after 30 years whatever friends and family I’d have would forget about me.
people don’t really know what happens when someone dies do they? some people believe in some religious books written centuries ago, others make up and after life and some think that you simply vanish. I accepted the fact that it simply is impossible to know I actually am dead..unless of course I do vanish in which case my pitiable consciousness is gone anyway.
so really I think the main reason on why I hate my life is because of how small weak and insignificant I am, even compared to the rest of the global population, I’m not a physics prodigy nor a skilled doctor. and there’s no way to change that.
What do you think about disclosing your depression in the workplace? Telling your boss or HR or someone you trust.
Is it a good idea?
What are your experiences?